Between Friends (23 page)

I want to be able to fall into his
arms and tell him I can get over this lie, the girls, and his
commitment issues. But I can’t do that right now. I want more from
him, but I know he can’t give that to me. It’s not fair to either
of us.

Ben clears his throat and fixes his
tie. He puts his head down in his chest and takes a deep breath.
Within seconds the lights are on us and our names are announced. We
pass by Steven who winks at me, clapping with all the guests and I
smile back at him.

By the time Jessica and Michael are
introduced, everyone is ecstatic, standing up and cheering. Michael
twirls Jessica on the dance floor, dips her and places a huge kiss
on her lips. She comes up lit with admiration, laughing and
whispering into his ear as they find their way to the head table.
Jessica sits down beside me and I gently fix her dress. Then right
away, just like Jose anticipated, the first course of our meal is
promptly served.

When dinner is done, the
speeches are ready to start. Of course I’m the first one up to the
podium. I nervously fumble my wrinkled speech and straighten it out
on the table. Jessica watches me like a hawk and I can almost hear
her thoughts...
It better be good.
I clumsily make my way to the podium. I look out
into the crowd of guests and then back to the head table filled
with all my longest and dearest friends. Ben leans forward, placing
his chin between his thumb and index finger and watches me adjust
the microphone making my hand a little shaky.

I take a deep breath when my mind
betrays me and provides me with an image of Ben and I as the bride
and groom. I shake it away, clear my throat and force my eyes to
Jessica and Michael, ready to start my speech. My vision blurs
again when I catch Ben leaning into my view and a lump forms in my
throat. Is it possible I have always loved him? No. There is no
way. Weddings make single people who are weeks away from their
twenty-fifth birthday think crazy things.

When the room falls silent, I start my
speech. I cover all the basics and stick to the guidelines Jessica
provided me with. I talk about how wonderful Jessica is, and how
great a friend she has been to me for all these years. I bring up
the story of Jessica trying on her mother’s old wedding dress when
we were twelve years old in her basement closet and our
maid-of-honor promise to one another. Jessica’s mother laughs and
shouts out from the crowd she knew someone had been tampering with
her dress that day. I say how lucky Michael was to find Jessica,
and how their love has grown over the years making them a wonderful
and admirable couple. I finish with a quote about marriage I found
through a Google search, on things to include in a maid-of-honor
speech and it’s done. Jessica gets up and hugs me with tears in her
eyes. She says it was perfect and I did a great job.

I let out a huge sigh. I am relieved
it is finally over. I sit down just in time to hear Jose call up
Ben to give his best man speech. Ben walks up with no paper, no cue
cards, nothing. I always envied poise and charisma, but now it just
annoys me.

Ben’s speech is less formal, and way
funnier than mine. He has everyone in stitches, telling stories
about Michael from their younger years as kids then transitioning
into high school and right on through to college. But despite all
the laughter, Ben becomes serious and says how lucky Michael was to
find the love of his life. He pauses and locks his eyes with mine.
My breathing hitches when he smiles to himself, looking down at the
podium, “You know, there are only so many people in this world that
can honestly say they were lucky enough to have married their best
friend.”

Everyone awes at his reflective words,
but he doesn’t even pay attention to the crowd; instead his eyes
don’t leave mine. Jessica glances suspiciously between Ben’s gaze
and my face. I turn red and look down into my lap. Ben clears his
throat and I peer up from the corner of my eye to see him return
his glare out to the guests and comically add, “That is why I am so
happy Jessica said yes when Michael asked her to marry him, so I
wouldn’t have to.”

Everyone cracks up and Ben finishes by
saying how happy he is for the both of them and wishes them all the
love in the world. He raises his glass for a toast to the happy
couple and everyone clinks their glasses around the room. Michael
gets up and gives him a firm handshake and tight hug. Ben looks
over his shoulder and locks his eyes with mine. I feel hot and
bothered, confused and uncertain, so I push myself up from the
table and head straight to the bar.

OK. There is no need to
panic. Ben may be unhappy with my ending of things, but he knows as
well as I do it ended it for the better. We could never possibly be
together forever and he knows it. He was the one, who three years
ago said over a game of Gin Rummy, that marriage was for fools and
it is a proven fact humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. To which
I laughed and told him he would grow into an old and senile man one
day if he actually believed that, and threw down a strong run of
sevens.

I order a vodka water and
slam it back to immediately order another. This situation is
simple, I have been deceived and I will not stand for it. Even if
it was by Ben, and even if our sex was fantastic, I will not be
sucked in by his sneaky manipulation. I watch the
bartender mixing my drink, taking his grand ole
time to fill my glass with ice, measure an even ounce and fill it
up with water. He looks over at me and asks me if this time I want
a splash of lime. I sigh out a “Whatever” and lean up against the
bar to watch all the guests chatter amongst themselves as a light
musical medley plays softly in the background. The bartender
distracts me and finally hands me my second drink. I debate on
slamming it, but my better judgment tells me to keep it together
for Jessica and her perfect evening.

I lean against the polished
wood and take my first sip of my wonderfully refreshing drink, all
the while telling myself to stop fussing and start enjoying my
night. I take a deep breath and shift my weight, but I am sweating
like crazy and it won’t stop. In fact it is getting much worse. My
face feels like it is on fire, and my armpits need a firm dabbing
with that bar cloth tossed over the bartender’s
shoulder.

“
I’ll have whatever she’s
having.” I look to my side and see Steven leaning against the bar
beside me. I feel myself loosen up a bit, thankful for the handsome
distraction in front of me.

“
Enjoying the wedding?” I
say taking a sip from my drink.

“
I am now.” Steven says
resting his chin in his hand. The bartender slides him a drink and
Steven raises his glass, “To new beginnings.”

I smile, thinking what a
great thing to hear right now. Steven couldn’t be more right. So I
clink my glass with his and we each take a sip just smiling at one
another. We make some awkward small talk and he asks me how my
dinner was. I tell him I enjoyed the lobster and ask him if he
enjoyed the ceremony. He smiles and says the best part was when I
walked down the aisle. I blush, and change the subject to asking
him if he went on any other excursions over the past couple of
days. He tells me he went to Tamarindo beach to surf with Charlie
and Dave, and that he took a catamaran tour with his parents. But
he quickly turns things back around to complimenting me in my
golden heels and how great I look in my bridesmaid dress. I thank
him, coyly keeping my eyes to the floor.

The DJ distracts us, and calls Jessica
and Michael up for their first dance as a married couple. They hold
hands walking up to the dance floor, both beaming and filling the
room with happiness and love.

Steven leans in and says, “Do you ever
want to get married one day?

I nearly choke on my drink, and give a
nervous laugh. “It will probably never happen.”

Steven doesn’t say a thing at first,
instead he watches me uncomfortably fumble my drink in my hands,
“Never say never.”

“
I guess.” I mumble and
watch Michael and Jessica perform their rehearsed fox trot. Jessica
insisted they take dance lessons for the past year, so it is no
surprise they look flawless on the dance floor. Steven and I make
some more casual banter throughout the rest of their dance, and say
even less to each other when Jessica dances with her
father.

Soon enough, the DJ invites everyone
up to dance and the hall fills up with a slow country song. Steven
puts his hand out and asks me to join him. I agree, thinking I have
nothing to lose. I walk hand in hand with him and see Ben glaring
at us and completely distracted from his conversation with Eric and
Matthew. I pretend I don’t see him, and continue on with a guilty
free conscious. Besides, what does he care? There was no title
between us, and I am free to do what I want, with whomever I want -
Clearly that is his mantra.

Steven pulls me into him and I inhale
the most delicious scent of his cologne. I can’t help but notice
that he is a classy dancer. He leads, placing one hand in mine and
resting one hand on my lower back. He sways us back and forth,
chatting about how his mother taught him how to dance as a child. I
think how wonderful Steven’s family must be. I envision them all
wearing holiday themed sweaters at Christmas time, and playing
board games on a Friday night around a roaring fire, drinking hot
cocoa and eating a delicious lemon cake.

Ben appears right behind Steven,
holding onto Stephanie’s lower back and knocking me out of my
fantasy. She tosses around her long auburn curls and holds two shot
glasses in either hand. They awkwardly sway to the music and I hear
her offer Ben a shot, but he declines. I try to look away and keep
my face as unaffected as possible, but I can’t stop watching them.
I keep on convincing myself this is what I wanted. I am choosing
not be with Ben because clearly he is bad boyfriend material, and
there is no possible way we would ever work out. I need a man like
Steven, reliable, sure of himself, and monogamous.

“
Want a shot of
Jägermeister?” Stephanie shouts out, waving the shot right in front
of me.

I blink, completely taken off guard,
“No thanks.”

“
Come on Megan, just do
it.” Stephanie whines over the music and shoves it in my
face.

I look to Steven for disproval, but
instead he insists I take it. I do, even though I am already
feeling blurry around the edges from my vodka and water
consumption. Stephanie laughs and wraps her arms around Ben. He
twirls her around and brushes his warm hard body against my back.
He looks back at me with a scowl and I bite my tongue. I will never
let him see how he affects me ever again. Steven shifts in my arms
and says, “Is something wrong?”

“
Nope, everything’s
perfect.” I mumble and keep my eyes to the floor.

Chapter 18

I would rather find myself running
buck naked through the streets of Costa Rica with a monkey on my
back, than surrendering to my feelings of envy over Ben and
Stephanie. Here I am trying to be as mature and poised as possible,
innocently sharing a slow dance with Steven. Yet Ben has chosen to
let Stephanie suggestively dry hump him on the dance floor right in
front of me. Who does Ben think he is?

Ben keeps perfect eye contact with me
and sways Stephanie from side to side. He laughs at everything she
whispers in his ear, which I know isn’t funny. Stephanie rarely
makes for riveting conversation, let alone witty banter. I remain
locked in Steven’s arms thinking Ben knows exactly what he’s doing.
He is trying to make me jealous, but I will not let him get the
better of me. I refuse to engage in his childish mind-games. I will
not succumb to him.

How on earth, did it boil down to
this? We were friends, the best of friends. How did I suddenly
become subject to irrational feelings of lust, jealously, and
heartache over Ben? I am blinded by numb disbelief when I think of
him in his old wrinkled Nirvana t-shirt at the ripe age of sixteen,
followed by an image of us young and dumbly cruising around in his
mother’s mini-van rocking out to Blink 182 and eating cheeseburgers
from McDonalds. I wish so badly we were back in those moments, in
that innocent place and time when everything was easy and not
complicated. When Ben was nothing more to me than a cute jokester
with adolescent acne.

Ben’s familiar voice interrupts me
from my thoughts, “Can I cut in?”

I look up and see his thick long
fingers roughly grip into Steven’s shoulder as he towers behind
him. Steven looks a bit taken back by his request, and jerks free
from his grasp. I stare directly into Ben’s eyes, feeling outrage
well up inside me. Does he not understand I am furious with him?
Does he not understand his sleeping with Stephanie is a deal
breaker? Can he not understand if he ever wants things to be the
same between us, he needs to give me some space right now! Steven
shifts in my arms without even turning around to acknowledge Ben
and tensely says, “You can have the next dance.”

For a moment, Steven and his smug
demeanor amaze me. I like how he doesn’t give in to Ben, but I
don’t dare look up. An instant later, I hear the music stop and Ben
arrogantly chuckle, “Well it looks like your dance is
done.”

Steven tenses in my arms, “Well I
think Megan was going to accompany me to get another drink. Right
Megan?”