Between You & Me (21 page)

We can't use the school pool because it's the weekend, so we're over at your neighbors'. They have the nice house next to yours and a pool—outdoors, but heated. It's late afternoon already, so the underwater lights are on, making it glow a brilliant blue. I sink into the warm water. It's colder out than in, steam rising off the surface, evaporating where it meets the cold air. We duck under together, gliding along the bottom of the pool. You've always been comfortable in water—graceful and quick. I roll over to look up at the surface, to make sure I'm not causing ripples. It's like a different world down here, the surface like a sheet of glass above us. You swim ahead, light glancing off your body. You come up in the shallow end and I swim up to you, wrapping my arms around your knees and tipping you into the water. We break into the air together laughing. I push my hair back from my face. The sun has disappeared behind the trees and I hear you sigh in the silence. You sink down into the water again, resting your chin on the
surface like me, to keep your shoulders warm. I suck in the brisk air. I feel alive, divided in two, my body relaxed, soaked in warmth, my face wide awake in the cold air. I watch the tips of my hair fan out on the surface, thinking of all the times we've gone swimming together since we were young. We bob there a while longer, just breathing and listening to the birds that sing at dusk. Under the water, your skin appears almost blue in the light, separate from the tops of your tanned shoulders. Now and again I duck beneath the surface to warm up my face. Only when I finally start to shiver do we make a run for our towels, the cold air catching in my throat until I'm hugging my towel around me.

We watch the last of the light drain out of the sky from the warmth of your window. Kneeling on your bed to see over your head into the small mirror, I pin up my hair, mumbling through the clips in my mouth.

ME

Anks er elppin me.

You turn around and gently remove the clips so I can smile at you for real.

YOU

Hope you didn't say something really special 'cause I missed it.

ME

I said,
anks
.

You laugh the warmest laugh you have.

YOU

In that case, you're
wecom
.

You kneel beside me, your face still glowing from the cold. Mine must be too because you run your finger down my nose, then drop abruptly back on to the bed. I look at my cherrypink nose in the mirror and cover it with my hand, pulling my sweater up to rest below my eyes. When you catch my eye, you laugh again.

ME

I'd never have made it through this week without you.

As I watch you tug your fingers through your hair, I think about how self-involved I've been. With everything that's been going on, I can't remember the last time I asked about you.

ME

How are you?

You reach out a hand for me to shake.

YOU

I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

I slap your hand away.

ME

Stop, I'm serious! I haven't asked in a long time and I'd like to know.

You pull your sweater up over your nose too so I can only see your eyes, your blond hair drying in a flighty sweep across your forehead.

YOU

Everything's good. Really good.

ME

And you would tell me if it wasn't?

YOU

Sure I would.

Your eyes crease, so I figure you're smiling.

Feel ready for the play?

I look right at the dark centers of your eyes, the only feature I can see.

ME

I think so.

I'm sitting at the edge of the glistening pool of water in the stage, knees tucked up and gazing at the shimmering surface beneath the stage lights. There are a few people spread around the theater, putting finishing touches to the set and lighting. I'm trying not to look at Mia. I can sense her standing in the first row and looking out at the stage but I figure that if I seem aloof I'll prove something to the rest of the cast and to myself. I'm not sure she's even noticed. There's no heartbreak, no
Phyre, I feel like you're not speaking to me.
Besides, ignoring her is not helping. The whispering has continued. I take a breath. It's almost the end of the semester, nearly the holidays, and she'll be gone. Bittersweet. Maybe I'll be able to get on with my life.

We have the dress rehearsal tonight. I shall immerse myself in Lily's life, or try. Seeing you at the top of the auditorium
steps brings me quickly back to myself. I watch you focusing a spotlight on the balcony above me, your concentration lapsing into laughter as I notice Kate's arms wrapped around your knees to keep you stable.

I turn instead and watch the ripples of light dancing on the cyclorama behind me. After a few minutes, a silhouette steps into the picture, a fan of shadows, one strong with fuzzy impersonators from all the lights overhead. I pause, my space shared. Mia?—the shadow of a gesture I'd know anywhere—better, it's you. I turn. Your hair is still sliding back into place from you running your fingers through it. But you're not looking at me, you're gazing up at the balcony. Light spills through the windows, as if we're outside looking in. A spotlight swings across the stage, catching you in its beam and I look past you to Kate at the lighting rig. You, never in the spotlight, are illuminated by its cool glow. Standing center stage, you bring up your right hand and the spotlight's focus softens, your shadow fanning out around you. You gesture with the other hand and the auditorium lights go down, leaving us in the dark except for the light from the house and from the balcony, glowing by lantern and moonlight.

Noticing me now as if for the first time you beckon and I follow you up the stairs to the balcony. You set me in place and step back to scrutinize me.

YOU

Bring up the moon!

The cool light brightens, giving the side of your face a bluer hue against the golden glow of the lights from the windows. And then you smile, your green eyes glinting.

YOU

Don't ever say I didn't give you the moon.

The people in the theater seem to have thinned out. I can't see anyone, not even Mia, and it feels as if we're alone. We stand here in the quiet, your eyes still on me, but the big picture is clearly all you're thinking about as you disappear abruptly back down the stairs, leaving me alone on the balcony. I squint into the darkness. I can't see more than a few signs of movement, and I hear you with Kate up at the lighting rig. Then your voice out of the darkness:

YOU

Thanks, Phy.

And that's it. I stand on the balcony for another moment looking out at nothing. I can still hear your voices, hushed voices that carry like the hiss of a whisper. I know that feeling. I'm jealous. Feeling exposed today for all the wrong reasons, in a shining pool of light that isolates me from everyone else, I head quickly down the stairs and escape behind the
curtain into the wings. I pause in the darkness, safe and invisible. I'm not sure how many minutes I've stood here when I hear footsteps coming down the aisle toward the stage. There's a voice. Kate's:

KATE

… It's always nice when someone tells you they like you.

I put my face instantly to the gap in the curtain. The stage lights illuminate the space in front of the first row where she's standing, with
you
. You like Kate? That's impossible! She can't mean you. You would have told me that! But you haven't. Have you confided in
her
about someone, and not in me? She swings her hair intimately over her shoulder—no hands, just a swish of her head, which is ridiculous! I fight my childish impulse to jump out and yell aha—the vindictive “I know all your little secrets” kind of yell.

KATE

So, what's the plan for tonight?

You have a plan for tonight? You're heading out of my line of sight. There's nothing I can do without sending a great big ripple down the entire curtain if I touch it. Your voices move toward the door.

YOU

I figured we could celebrate opening night somehow. A good-luck thing. Seems like a decent reason …

I push through the curtain, incredulous that you could do this without me. You both turn. You have your “I'm hiding something” face—I've never been on the receiving end of it. I've only ever seen it from the corner of my eye when we're side by side and my expression matches. You're still looking a little stricken as Kate clasps your shoulder and makes a hasty exit:

KATE

See ya.

We stare at each other.

ME

Shouldn't you catch up? Sounds like you have something fun planned.

A snide tone hampers my plan to be mature. I give an artificial sigh.

Well, I'll be glad to head home and get a good night's sleep before tomorrow. Is that the best idea, to go out tonight? See you bright and early.

Surprise gone, now you just look offended.

YOU

Phyre, I was talking about you.

Huh?

I'd been telling Kate I wanted to do something for you before your first night … But we don't have to if you think it's stupid. I just thought it would be nice, because this thing's been so important to you.

Three-minute pause.

ME

Oh.

The genius strikes again.

I thought you were making plans with Kate.

The only thing worse than eavesdropping is eavesdropping badly and misunderstanding. You shake your head.

ME

You
said
“we.”

YOU

We, you and me.

ME

When you're talking to someone,
we
usually means
we
.

I gesture with big circling arms.

YOU

When
I
say we, I usually mean us.

ME

That's not normal!

YOU

You know, you can be pretty hard to please.

Silence.

ME

I only said it was stupid because I thought you hadn't included me.

Your sigh is genuine. Not my best moment. We walk slowly toward the door.

ME

Is there any chance I can make up for this one on a quicker schedule? Because I'd really like to be talking by tomorrow night.

YOU

Admitting you're crazy is a good first step.

ME

First step. Check.

I check it off with a finger in the air. There's no coming back from this in a hurry, so I give your hand a squeeze and let you go.

Eyes closed, I sit in costume in front of the mirror. I can sense people rushing past. Their voices seem hollow and far away. My heart has been beating out of my chest all day but now that evening is here, I'm almost calm. I can feel on my eyelids the light touch of Viv, who is in charge of hair and makeup,
sweeping on eye shadow. I sit still, playing with the tiny buttons at the wrists of my gloves. We always have a purpose, I think to myself. I wanted to be Lily to impress Mia. Tonight, I want to be Lily for me. I feel the tug of a curling iron and smell hair spray. Viv is in front of me now, blocking the bulbs around the mirror from making the inside of my eyelids glow. When I sense her step away, I open my eyes and the room comes rushing back. I look at my reflection for the first time. But it's not me I see, it's Lily. I take a deep breath. I wonder if this really will all seem unimportant some day. It feels important today.