Beyond 4/20 (14 page)

Never did John feel jealous anymore. Sara Beth gave him something with Chelsea that Tuck would never experience. They – he, Chelsea, and the girls – were a true family. Tuck would always be on the perimeter of that. There was no gloating over that fact in John’s heart. He sincerely felt sorry for Tuck and prayed more for him than he did most anyone else but Chelsea and the girls. From John’s perspective, Tuck lived a terribly sad existence. Sure, he had Lucy, whom he adored, but other than his daughter, he seemed to only have farm work, at least in his personal life. Often John specifically prayed for a wife someday, one who would love Tuck and Lucy too. His spiritual life was another story altogether. Tuck clearly had a heart for missions and often went on short trips when he could. For Tuck’s sake, John hoped that filled a void for him.

Once they were on the elevator, Tuck turned to Chelsea and asked, “Well?”

With her heart pounding in her throat, she closed her eyes and whispered, “This is as good as childbirth.”

Tuck chuckled. “Hopefully much less painful.”

He tried to get the image of a pregnant Chelsea out of his mind. Every time he had seen her while she was pregnant, he couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have his child growing inside of her. The fact that she should have been the mother of his children was always his first thought, and now, ironically, she would be the mother of his only daughter. How strange life was and the turns it took them.

“Much less painful.”

Chelsea grinned. Tuck seemed almost as nervous as she was. Though she had said it many times in the past weeks, she said again, “Thanks for this. You don’t know what it means to me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Tuck’s greatest desire was to reach for Chelsea’s hand, but he didn’t. Over the past weeks, he had come to respect John much too much to touch his wife, no matter his own feelings for her. John had prevented the worst disaster from happening, and even greater still, he gave Tuck’s little girl the mama she needed. Had John not have asked, Tuck would have never thought of Chelsea adopting Lucy, and Chelsea would have never asked. From the very beginning since Chelsea moved home, she had told him that was what Lucy needed, a mother. She had been right all along. Who would have suspected Lucy would get one in such an unconventional way?

John walked and bounced with Sara Beth up and down the corridor. She was hungry and very vocal about it. Chelsea was gone longer than he had anticipated, and John couldn’t help but become concerned over how long the meeting was taking.

Just as he reached for his phone to text her, the elevator doors opened and Chelsea came bouncing out shouting, “It’s a girl!”

As Sara Beth squalled, Chelsea took her into her arms and John draped a blanket over her shoulder so that she could nurse. Even before she could latch on, Sara Beth calmed. Just the feel of her mother’s arms, knowing her hunger would soon be satisfied, easily quieted the fussing baby.

Tuck stood for an awkward moment with John as Chelsea fed her baby. It was a precious sight, but Tuck tried his best to avoid staring. Lindsey had been so detached that she would have no part of breast feeding, so he had given Lucy bottles. He wished things could have been different for Lucy and that she could have had a mother to love her as Chelsea loved Sara Beth. Since the papers were signed just a few minutes before, Lucy at least had that kind of caring mother going forward. Besides the benefit to Lucy, Tuck had a small sense of satisfaction, or maybe a better word was contentment, that he would forever be joined with Chelsea as Lucy’s parents. Even though Chelsea would never be his, at least she was Lucy’s, and because of that, he would always have a place in her life, however limited.

As Chelsea waited for Lucy to come through the side door of the school, she was reminded of the day she waited to tell her about John’s arrival. She was just as excited about today’s news. Since knowing this day would come, she had tried to decide how to tell her and whether it would be some big party or celebration. After several crazy ideas and elaborate schemes, she decided that a quiet moment with Lucy was what was best. John had Sara Beth, and Tuck was back home already. It would just be the two of them.

“Where’s Sara B.?” was Lucy’s first question.

“She’s at home with John.” Chelsea took Lucy’s hand. “I wanted to spend a little time alone.”

Lucy walked with Chelsea toward home. When they arrived, Chelsea led her toward the back of the house rather than the front door.

“Why are we going back here?” Lucy wondered aloud.

Chelsea was excited and even a little nervous. What she was about to tell Lucy was life-changing for them both.

“I wanted a few minutes alone to talk.”

They went over and sat on the swing. The backyard overall was a child’s paradise. John had allowed Lucy to design the majority of it. There were play houses and play sets, teeter-totters, and slides. John spared no expense and used professional designers to help Lucy create her little paradise. The only adult areas were the swing where they were currently sitting and the patio where the grill and table were.

“I have some pretty big news for you, something I hope makes you as happy as it does me. It’s a secret I’ve been keeping.”

The last time Chelsea had big news, John had come. At the time it didn’t seem like the best news, but since he had been there with Chelsea, Lucy felt like she had two dads most of the time.

Excitedly, she whispered, “What is it?”

“Know how you say I’m
like
your mom?”

Lucy only nodded.

“What if I told you that as of today, I
am
your mom?”

Sitting very still, Lucy tried to understand how that could happen if she didn’t marry her dad. She knew Chelsea couldn’t have done that.

“Your dad and I went to see a judge today, and he signed papers that make me your mom.”

Nothing had ever felt like what she was feeling at the moment. Lucy’s chest felt really warm and her eyes filled with tears. Without saying a word, she leaned into Chelsea and hugged her. For a very long time they sat that way, both crying quietly.

Finally, after a long moment, Lucy admitted, “I’ve always wanted a mom, ya know?”

“Now you have me.”

John was in the kitchen and had a front row seat for the news Chelsea had for Lucy. He expected giggles and excitement, so Lucy’s reaction took him totally by surprise. The moment was so personal and sweet, he quickly turned away, allowing them their privacy. As much as he knew Lucy wanted Chelsea to be her mom, he had underestimated how much it would mean to her when it became a reality. Until Sara B. started screaming for her mama, John allowed his wife and daughter to cuddle alone together in the swing he had built for Chelsea. They were such a beautiful sight.

Chapter 8

T
he holidays came and went in a blur. Christmas was very different than the year before. On Christmas morning, John and Chelsea invited Tuck and Lucy to be with them at their house, and Tuck actually agreed to come. So there they were, this well-functioning dysfunctional family. John was amused to see Tuck holding and playing with Sara B. like an uncle. The entire day was strange yet oddly normal. As long as he could be with Chelsea and the girls, he didn’t mind Tuck being around too. He had come to Thanksgiving again that year, which seemed perfectly normal. Their family was indeed unusual.

During the winter months as the baby grew and they developed a regular routine with both girls, John found himself back in his office more. Though he never really missed work, work missed him. He was clearly needed as one failed merger proved. When the deal went up in smoke, he never once faulted Mark for what went wrong. He should have been a more integral part of what went on but wasn’t. Beginning in January and clear through the spring months, John logged more hours at work than he had since leaving L.A. On occasion he made day trips for meetings, but for the most part, he was able to “meet” with whomever he needed to right there from his office. Chelsea was nearby and often came into the office with Sara Beth, and of course Lucy spent her afternoons there with him, so he never felt as if he were abandoning the family. Any time he was needed, he stopped what he was doing. Always, his family came first.

Once, he had gotten through an entire Skype session with Mark and several others with Sara B. in his arms. She cooed and played with anything she could reach on his desk. He spent most of the time trying to keep desk objects out of her mouth: his pen, paper clips, and cell phone. On one occasion, Mark actually began making babbling noises at Sara Beth, trying to get her attention. John’s was the greatest life, and he could only thank God for it daily.

As much as he loved his family, John found he was learning to love God even more. It was staggering to discover new and amazing facets of His love for him. Early on when he was newly walking with God, John experienced much more fear. He feared losing Chelsea to Tuck or to death. He feared for Sara Beth and Lucy. With all the things that could happen to a child in a world so upside-down, John often listed off the possibilities and then tried to figure out a way to protect them from harm. Ultimately, though, God taught him the greatest lesson any man can learn: God was God. John was just a man. John didn’t have to be everything to everybody. God was watching over his wife and children. John’s job was to listen to God, father his children well, and love Chelsea. It really all boiled down to that. Learning to listen to God was the pivotal point in his life which allowed the greatest peace to flood into his mind and heart. He could hardly conceive that he had ever managed any other way.

This morning, John sat on a bench in town resting, thinking over the day ahead. It was early enough still that all was quiet. Hardly anyone was out and stirring, the time when he liked to run best. Chelsea had given up running, which didn’t seem to bother her at all. All that did matter to her was their family and home. John smiled at that thought. For such a young woman, she sure had it all together. She effortlessly juggled all that her days demanded of her. Lucy’s school and extracurricular activities kept her busy enough, but add a busy baby in the mix and life was often plain hectic. Always she loved it, though, and said so every day. Chelsea was a phenomenal mom and an even better wife. At times, John was still astonished that such a woman had become his.

“What are you doing? Don’t seem much like exercise when you sit on a bench.”

Bob had just left the feed store when he saw John sitting on the bench. At least he thought it was John. He had to turn around and make another pass to make sure.

“Resting.” John laughed and stood. As he climbed into the cab of the truck, he admitted, “I’m getting too old for this.”

“Wouldn’t know it to look at you.”

John was in excellent shape, which secretly prompted Bob to back away from the table a bit. Since John was a little older but in better shape, he figured he could at least put in a little more effort for Gail’s sake. She had noticed.

They rode in silence as they usually did. Chelsea would often ask what they talked about when they worked for hours out in her dad’s shop or on those few occasions when they made a road trip to look at a car to fix up. Each time, about all he could remember would be the weather or the girls. Not much, other than that, ever came up.

This morning as they rode, John was thinking about what happened just before he made it to the bench. He had become so breathless that he feared he might pass out. After that, he had no intentions of running home, so it was a great coincidence that Bob happened along when he did. While this wasn’t the first morning he struggled with his run, it was the most noteworthy. Something seemed off. He was off, and today gave him cause to wonder.

John had been more tired recently but attributed it to interrupted sleep. He coughed a lot when he lay down, so that kept him awake, and Sara B. wasn’t the best sleeper. She wasn’t exactly fussy in the night, but she woke most nights and couldn’t get herself back to sleep. Since John was out of the main house most of the day, he insisted on being the one to be with her when she woke at night. He assumed that was catching up with him, or that maybe he was just too old to be a dad of a baby. For the most part, he kept quiet about being tired. The one time he mentioned it to Chelsea caused her to worry. She insisted on getting up with the baby for several nights after that, which kind of bothered him. He actually liked that time alone with his daughter; it was their special time, and he cherished it.

The more he thought about it, the tiredness, the more he wondered what was going on. He had several more, what he first considered to be anxiety attacks where his heart would palpitate. During the recent episodes, nothing unusual was going on as it was when Chelsea was pregnant and the custody issue came up with Lucy. Currently, nothing stressful was going on even with work, so anxiety didn’t make sense. When looked at all together, his symptoms gave him reason for concern. How many times had he felt intense pressure in his chest when he was with and apart from Chelsea those first two years? Maybe all that time he had been ignoring heart symptoms. His dad had a history of it, so maybe he was in the beginning stages of a similar problem. Since he ran and took care of himself, he had almost convinced himself he was somehow immune to genetic heart issues, as if he were invincible. Clearly, based on his past few weeks, he wasn’t.

John thanked Bob for the ride home as he got out of the truck. Without going into the main house, he headed instead to his office. For the next half-hour, he researched heart conditions. Just as he did when Chelsea developed symptoms of preeclampsia, John diagnosed himself. It didn’t look so good.

Three weeks after Sara Beth’s first birthday at the end of July, John was heading out on a Monday morning to pick up Bob. They were flying to Minnesota to look at a car to remodel.

Suspicious, Chelsea asked again, “Why Minnesota?”

“It’s where the Chevelle is.” John had found the car near Rochester, Minnesota and had no problem talking Bob into the trip.

“Your dad can use a day off, and since Bobby has agreed to take care of things, I thought it would be a perfect day trip.”

He felt more than a little guilty over his partial dishonesty since there was more to the trip than the car, much more.

He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly. “It’s just for the day. I promise. I’ll be back home in bed with you tonight.”

She leaned back to look at him, eyes narrowing. “You know what I think this is about?”

John could hardly look her in the eye by this point. “What?”

“Food. I think you’re going to eat like maniacs all day.”

She and her mom had discussed it the afternoon before. Her mom had the same suspicion.

He chuckled at her. “If this were about food, don’t you think I would pick a better destination than Minnesota?”

“I suppose.”

Still, she had a sneaking feeling that he was up to something. He hated being away from home, even for a day. Moving back into him, she whispered, “Come back.”

“Of course I’ll come back.”

He knew she worried about him flying without her. John lifted her chin and kissed her softly on the lips. “By bedtime I’ll be snuggled in next to you.”

Bob spent most of the flight talking, which annoyed John. Accustomed to their usual silence, John found he had little time to ponder what was ahead of him. Technically, since he had spent the past few weeks mulling over his future, he supposed a break from thinking was probably pretty healthy for him. Once he had become convinced his heart was the issue, John’s main concern was getting through Sara B.’s birthday and Lucy’s birthday and first day of school. With those milestones behind them, he had become focused on getting to the bottom of what was bothering him.

Chelsea had already called twice, both times to just chat. She was worried, having recently developed a fear of flying, or more specifically, a fear of him flying without her. She said as long as they went down together, it didn’t matter, but she couldn’t imagine losing him in such a way. The birth of their baby seemed to bring with it a whole host of other irrational fears for her. He understood that as he was once plagued with them too.

The only fear he had recently was this heart thing. Sometimes, late at night, he would lie in bed and think of the worst happening. He could die sooner, much sooner than he had ever considered before. What if he left Chelsea with a baby and a little girl? What if he never even got to watch the girls grow up?

Realizing Bob was asking him a question, John said, “Huh?”

“I asked, so why are we really going to Minnesota?” Bob had known all along there was something beyond a car to look at. At first, he too thought that maybe it was a day trip for a burger, but quickly, he changed his mind. John had been much more quiet than usual. Something was going on; he was sure of it.

John admitted, “I have an appointment there this morning.”

“Uh huh. What kind of appointment, and why bring me?”

John sighed, feeling almost relieved to let Bob in on his suspicion. “I’m seeing a cardiologist, and I didn’t want to do it alone.”

“Oh, I see.”

Bob decided not to ask any more questions. He didn’t need to. Having found John sitting on a bench looking as pale as a corpse was all he needed for the pieces to fall into place.

When John walked with Bob down the stairs of the jet, he found Mark and Irene standing beside a limo waiting for him. He should have known. As much as he had tried to assure Irene that it was likely nothing, she had obviously seen through his attempt to downplay his concern, typical of her. He was glad she told Mark.

Rather than shake John’s hand as he usually would, Mark embraced him. When John sighed and kind of leaned into him, Mark became even more concerned. His oldest and closest friend looked different, paler than when he had seen him just a few weeks before. The simple fact that John had scheduled the appointment, and even more the fact that he was concerned enough to hide it from Chelsea, convinced Mark that it was just as serious as Irene suspected. Waiting for the appointment date to arrive had been agonizing, and Mark could only wonder how John was holding up.

The four rode in near silence to the Mayo Clinic. Oddly enough, Bob didn’t feel at all out of place as he felt he should. Though the three of them were executives, and there he was a simple farmer, over the past year or so, he had grown so close to John, he felt he had every right to be there with him. It was his place. More than a son-in-law, which was a term that made him chuckle any other day than that one, John was the closest friend he had had as a grown man, maybe his only friend.

Once they were dropped off at the entrance of the building and they began walking the maze through the complex to the doctor’s office, there came a point at which John had to sit down to rest. He had become so winded that he couldn’t make it the rest of the way. Seated for a few minutes, he stood to try to begin again, but then sat again. Finally, he admitted, “I think I might need some help.”

Mark looked at Irene, who didn’t miss a beat.

“I’ll have a chair brought for you,” she said to him, clearly as concerned as Mark.

Bob watched their faces, knowing they knew what he did; this was serious.

The remainder of the morning looked nothing like what John expected. He thought he would have some tests and then return home and wait for the results. Unable to even complete a stress test, he was taken immediately to have an echocardiogram. Things only went downhill from there.

Chelsea was changing Sara Beth when the phone rang. Right in the middle of a nasty diaper, she knew she would never make it to the phone in time. When she finally did get there, the ringing had stopped. It was her dad. Dialing him right back, she immediately asked, “Is something wrong?”

She had a sinking feeling all morning. It wasn’t anything she could identify, but she had a sense that something was wrong. John seemed different that morning and when they talked on the phone during his flight. She knew him too well not to have picked up on it.

“Moonshine, you need to catch a flight to Minnesota right away. I’ve already called and your mom is on the way there to stay with the baby.”

Chelsea began trembling, her hands shaking so badly that she nearly dropped the phone. “Whatever it is, tell me.”

“We just thought we were coming in for some tests, but they’ve got John in surgery now.”

The remainder of the conversation was like a bad dream. John had something called cardiomyopathy, which had led to heart failure. They were putting in a pacemaker to see if that would help. Though her father assured her that John was in the best hands possible, Chelsea sensed her dad didn’t have a whole lot of hope; she could hear it in his tone of voice. He was trying to shield her from the truth.