Beyond Control (6 page)

Shit!

My phone lit up again and Brandy tapped lightly on the glass. I motioned for her to open the door and she stuck her head inside.

“Try not to hang up on him again,” she said, smiling coyly and quickly shut the door.

Just because my last three long-term relationships fizzled out—Okay, they didn’t fizzle out. It was more like a huge nuclear blast that hit everyone around me—didn’t mean I couldn’t maybe try it again.

The phone was on its last ring, and I saw Brandy glaring at me through the glass, getting extremely frustrated. I smiled at her and picked up the phone.

“Gabby speaking,” I said.

“Gabby, I’m not going to go away that easily,” he teased, his voice lighting up the connection between us. “You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Sorry. It was the phone system,” I muttered, quickly losing my mind as I felt his overconfidence wrap around me.

“Sure it was.” I felt his smile come over the phone.

“I’m not really into dating right now,” I said, attempting to regain control of the situation. I wasn’t going to let his sultry voice completely crumble my modus of operandi.

“Huh. Really. Well, I generally don’t rule it out myself, but I’m pretty content right now as well... Just focusing on my builds and what not. So what time works best for me to drop off the bike on Saturday?” his voice charmed.

Shittily dee!

Mortified didn’t even cover what I was feeling right now. I can’t believe I thought he was going to ask me out. Now I look like a complete dweeb.

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah. Yes. Saturday works great,” I said.

“I think we established that yesterday. I was only hoping to find out the time,” he said, completely delighted with the effect he was having on me. I could sense that much.

“Oh, um. Late afternoon? Maybe three o’clock?” I barely chirped off.

All I wanted to do was hang up and slide off my chair and under my desk. In speaking with him less than a handful of times, I’ve somehow managed to secure my image of a prissy ass who was completely presumptuous and overly sure of herself. And I’d like to think I wasn’t usually any one of those.

“Great. I’ll see you then. Maybe we can do coffee after.” And he hung up the phone.

Wait. What? Now he was just messing with me. That was it. Time to throw myself into the slew of emails that were waiting in my inbox about how to repeat last week’s sales this week.

I tried to convince myself that I really did care about organic dairy products and began clicking through my inbox, determined not to give Jason another thought. But then my fingers began typing his name into Google.

No!
I was not going to become one of those who endlessly searched for images and tidbits about some guy I’d barely met. Closing out of Google, I let out a sigh and focused on my emails.

Brandy paged me on the phone, and I glanced at the clock. I had been sifting through emails for a few hours, and I didn’t even realize it.

“Ready for lunch?” she asked.

I attached our results with a mini-synopsis, typed in my father’s email address, and clicked send. He always liked a weekly recap from all his divisions, and I wasn’t about to let the good news go unnoticed.

“Yep. Let’s get out of here.” I ended the call and hopped up from my desk, feeling rejuvenated. Nothing like getting a shitload of work done before lunch even rolled around.

She opened the door and gave me a big grin. “What do you feel like for lunch?”

“Since it actually feels like summer,” I mused. “Let’s find a place with a patio.”

“Sounds good to me. We could try that French bakery on the corner. They have sidewalk seating and their croissant sandwiches look scrumptious.” Her eyes sparkled with curiosity, and I knew what she really wanted to ask.

I peeled off my sweater jacket and tossed it on the chair. If we were going to eat outside, I didn’t need it.

“Perfect! I might have dessert for lunch. Someone came in a couple days ago with an éclair, and it looked so good.” I turned on my voicemail and followed Brandy out of my office.

We found a table for two in the far corner of the café’s patio. It was right under one of the nice shade trees that were sprinkled along the sidewalk. I couldn’t imagine how sterile the city would be without them. I loved when Seattle began keeping the twinkle lights on the trees year round. I took a seat in the scrolled iron chair and scooted closer to the tiny matching table. The row of red geraniums at the base of the patio fencing caught my eye, and I made a mental note to pick some up.

“We should do this on our balcony,” I said, pointing at the flowers.

Brandy nodded and began scanning the menu right as the waitress came over and took our drink order. I could tell Brandy couldn’t wait to ask me about the call with Jason. Thankfully, there wasn’t much to reveal.

After I ordered my apricot iced tea, I felt Brandy’s prodding eyes waiting for me to say something.

“Well?” she blurted out, unable to handle it any longer.

“Well what?” I asked, grinning. It felt like our many lunches back on campus. One or the other of us gabbing about our latest relationship woes, but this time I wasn’t even in a relationship.

“Are you guys going out?” She threw me a half-smile and sat back in the chair.

“That’s not why he called, and even if it had been, I would have told him no.”

Her brows shot up and she shook her head. “You’ve gotta get out of your dry spell,” she said as the waitress brought our drinks.

Thanks for that, Brandy.

“Have you decided on what you’d like to order?” the waitress asked, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“I would love two éclairs,” I said.

“Two?” Brandy asked.

I shrugged.

“And I’d like the Brie and ham croissant,” Brandy replied.

“Great. Is there anything else I can get you?”

“No, thanks,” I said.

Once a group of girls walked by the patio and far enough down the sidewalk, I leaned across the tiny table. “It’s not a dry spell when it’s self-inflicted,” I began again.

“Say what you want. I just don’t know how you could resist those amazing blue eyes—” she started.

“They’re not blue. They’re a nice amber color,” I corrected her.

“Ha! I knew it. You’re completely into him.” She grinned.

“Somehow, I’m beginning to feel like we rewound back to my teen years with you.” I rolled my eyes and took a sip of the tea, trying not to laugh.

“Oh no,” she said emphatically. “I was way worse back then. But seriously, what’s the deal?”

“I don’t know. It seems like I’m always attracted to the overly cocky guys, and it always screws me in the end. And the whole knowing my brother thing…” I shuddered at the thought.

“You’re going to have to open up about that to me a little because I’m completely puzzled. You know I’ve got your back, but I’m not really sure what he did that was so bad?” She pressed her lips together and looked down at her drink, stirring it a couple times. “I mean I’m actually not over the shock of finding out you even had one.”

“Sorry about that,” I said. “I shoved the whole situation out of my head and did my best to move on.”

The waitress placed my éclairs in front of me and Brandy’s sandwich in front of her. The éclairs looked like they would definitely take away my cares in a second.

“I think this could be a regular spot for us,” I said, eyeing her croissant sandwich.

“I agree.”

I glanced around the patio and all of the tables had filled up, and the sidewalk was now bustling with the lunch crowd. I took a bite of the first éclair and felt the goodness melt in my mouth—definitely the perfect choice for today.

“Let me have it,” she prompted.

“So my brother and I were inseparable. Everywhere he went, I went. He never seemed to care that his kid sister followed him around. No matter what he was up to, he let me tag along. I mean there he was, a fifteen-year-old guy, not running away from his ten-year-old sister. Once he got his license, he offered to drive me around to all my lessons, and I had a ton of them. One day it would be piano, the next ballet, and he’d take me to every single one and watch the entire time, offering words of encouragement. When my mom got sick, he was devastated.”

As I told Brandy about my brother I could feel the sorrow and rejection build up again. I had done so well at pushing those emotions away, and here I was unburying something I had tried so hard to forget. I stopped eating my éclair, and Brandy reached over and grabbed my hand.

“If it’s too hard…” she began.

“No. If he’s going to be back in my life, I’m going to need to deal with it at some point.”

She nodded, releasing her hand from mine.

“Aaron never let me believe that my mom wasn’t going to make it. He always wanted me to see the bright side of things. Even though I think he was carrying the burden around knowing the reality of the situation, he never let me veer from keeping the faith that my mom would beat the cancer. At the same time my father threw himself into the company, a lot of the responsibility of caring for my mom fell on Aaron. Granted, we had help but it’s not the same. Never once did he complain. He still drove me to the lessons, and even took pictures so we could show my mom how I was doing.” I felt a lump forming in the back of my throat.
Damn!
This was what I was worried about.

“For the last two years of her life, he was more than my brother. He was my best friend, and as silly as this sounds, kind of like a father to me. My dad was busy flying around the world for the company. Now that I’m older, I understand why my father left us behind. He couldn’t deal with the grief. It doesn’t make it acceptable, but I at least understand it. They’d been high school sweethearts.”

Brandy frowned, shaking her head slowly.

“I think that’s why my dad tries to burn through the money so quickly. The company always did great under his leadership. It was always profitable, but the years when my mother was sick were the years my father threw himself into the business. The sales went through the roof, and that’s when most of his real wealth accumulated. I think he feels guilty and doesn’t want anything to do with the money. He’d rather give it away then be reminded about how he earned it.”

“Brutal,” Brandy whispered.

“Yeah, especially now that I’m older and kind of see things for how they were. My mother was such a sweetheart. She never ever let her worries transfer to my brother or me. She always praised my father, and I know half the time she was lying. In the mornings, she’d tell us he’d been home with her the night before and had snuck out to catch a plane before we got up, things like that.” I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, scanning the sidewalk as a skater rolled by.

“My mom passed away when I was twelve, and Aaron had turned eighteen a few days prior to her death. The day after my mom’s memorial service, my brother took off. He never said goodbye, didn’t tell me or anyone where he was going. With a father who was never around and a mother who had died, he’d left me all alone. I didn’t know what loneliness was until that moment. I couldn’t understand how he could just abandon me like that; especially knowing my dad wasn’t around anyway. She passed away in the spring, and he still had a couple months left of school, but he left. For the first few months, I kept thinking he’d come back home. I’d spend my days staring out the window waiting for him to return. He never did. Not only did I lose my brother, I lost my best friend and the one guy I could always count on. It took me a long time to get over it, but I guess I didn’t really. It was more like pushing it out of my mind.”

“Wow. You still don’t know why he left?” she asked, her voice soft.

I shook my head. “Nope. For the first few years, I expected like a letter from him explaining what happened or why he left. By the time I got to high school, I knew that would never arrive and I moved on. If people asked if I had any siblings, the answer was no.”

“I can see why…so he doesn’t know about the transplant,” she paused, biting her lip. “And everything you went through?”

I shook my head. “I saw him spot the scar but no. I mean I know I never told him. When I needed him the most, not once but twice, he was nowhere to be found.”

“Aren’t you kind of curious to find out where he’s been or why he left?”

“I don’t know if I am. That summer I was mourning for two people, and I had to put him in a box in the back of my head to be able to function. Just seeing him makes me angry, so I’m not really sure it would be a great idea. I learned to take control of my emotions from that summer on.”

“It makes more sense now that you’ve explained everything,” she replied. “And I’m going to forgive you for not telling me.” She winked at me and I started laughing.

“That’s probably why most of my relationships suck. I control everything. What I tell people. What I don’t tell people. Everything feels highly orchestrated. I’m most in my comfort zone when I’m at the control panel, so I don’t have a chance at getting hurt,” I muttered, letting the realization of my words sink in. Maybe that really was the problem.

“But that doesn’t always work,” she reminded me.

I gave her a dirty look as I tried to force out the images that immediately came to mind. Finding my last boyfriend in bed with someone else didn’t help the cause either. And the boyfriend before that seemed to be mysteriously unavailable on weekends. Just poor choices on my part, that was all.

“No. I let it slip. I lost control and gave him my heart. That was the problem,” I corrected her. “Which is why sex and relationships aren’t part of my equation any longer. And definitely no love.”

“That order might be a little backwards but whatever. I think you’ll change your mind sooner than you think.”

“I need to focus on my career,” I countered. “That’s where I’ll thrive. The other stuff will come later when I can control my life a little better.”

“Do you think that’s why you switched majors?” she asked. “Because working in a corporate setting is more certain than trying something on your own?”

“Probably,” I said, ignoring the gnawing in my stomach.