Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough (25 page)

TRISHA:

As Justin and I embraced this intense yet redeeming path back into ministry, we still had no idea what “going back into ministry” would look like. In the past, I had always assumed “calling” was defined by a title or position meant just for pastors. I had convinced myself that being “called” back into ministry was God’s way of completing our redemption story. I looked at it as a bookend rather than another chapter. I couldn’t have been more wrong!

This process wasn’t about trying to earn grace. This wasn’t about proving we were worthy to be back in ministry. Justin and I were being asked to be willing to have a posture of submission in order for God to bring about transformation in areas of our hearts that were still wrapped in caution tape. Look at what the Bible says in Hebrews 12:10-11:

We sometimes confuse discipline with a lack of grace, but discipline is an extension of grace. Being willing to submit to a process that is good allows us to “share in his holiness.” Submitting to the restoration process was giving Kerry and the others involved permission to help take the tape off our hearts and expose the pain we had not yet dealt with.

The writer of Hebrews says, “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful!” It
was
hard to watch Justin apologize to those he had hurt. It
was
hard that even though I had forgiven Justin, others still hadn’t. It
was
hard to not defend Justin but rather to allow God to heal those still hurting. It
was
hard to relinquish my caution tape that made me feel safe and protected in order to receive apologies made to me and to give them to others. It was painful, “but afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” As we embraced this truth, God continued to create anew the calling we had allowed to die.

In January 2009, lead pastor Aaron Brockett of Traders Point Christian Church asked if we would share our story at their weekend services. Traders Point was also in Zionsville, so sharing meant that many of the people in the congregation would know us but not our story. I said no, but Justin asked if I would pray about it and make sure I was saying no for the right reason, not just out of fear. I prayed and felt God prompting me to share our story. I told Pastor Brockett I would do it “just this once.” So in January 2009, Justin and I invited two-thousand-plus people into our story. I was not prepared for the response that followed.

After the first service, there was a long line of people waiting to
talk to us. I didn’t understand why they would want advice from us after hearing our story. After the last service, Justin and I talked to so many people that we had to ask a family friend to come to the church to pick up our bored-out-of-their-minds kids and take them home because it was so late in the afternoon. The people who came up to us wanted to know how we stayed married, how I forgave Justin, how Justin forgave himself, how I learned to trust again. At that time, I didn’t really have an answer other than taking it day by day. We naively put our e-mail in the bulletin for anyone who wanted to talk, and for the next month, we responded to and met with so many people. It was exhausting.

Justin called Pete to ask for advice. Pete knew about my experience in Orlando and the journey we were on to go back into ministry. Every couple of months, Pete would text or call to offer Justin a job at his church, Cross Point Community Church. It became a running joke between us all that there was no way Pete could get me to move to Nashville again. He couldn’t get me to move to the Grand Cayman Islands, for that matter, because I wasn’t moving anywhere!

Justin told Pete about the response we received after sharing our story and asked for direction about what to do. He encouraged us to start a blog. Justin’s response was, “What’s a blog?” We were so out of the loop in social media that we weren’t reading blogs, we weren’t on Twitter, and I had just joined Facebook in 2008. So in January 2009, we created
RefineUs.org
and, from our blog, RefineUs Ministries. God gave us a burden not just for marriages that were failing but also for seemingly healthy marriages that were really just ordinary.

At this point we had several opportunities to return to vocational ministry, and they all seemed good. We were asked to consider starting a church in Chicago. We were asked to consider starting another church in Indianapolis. We considered raising money and working for RefineUs full time. As we prayed and agonized about the different ministry opportunities to choose from, Pete’s invitation to
come on staff at Cross Point, while it didn’t make much sense and scared me to death, felt like the right one. Although Justin felt like he would one day return to being a lead pastor, we both felt it was too soon (at least for us) for Justin to take on such a position. So in July 2009, Justin accepted the Campus and Teaching Pastor position at Cross Point, and we prepared to move to Nashville—again.

JUSTIN:

When I chose to pursue an extraordinary life with God and an extraordinary marriage, God brought healing to parts of my story and marriage that I didn’t even know had been wounded.

About a week before we moved from Zionsville to Nashville, I got a call from my mom, asking if she could spend the afternoon with me. Trisha was in Nashville painting the house we were renting, and our two oldest boys were at basketball camp. I let her know that it was just Isaiah and me at the house and that she was welcome to come hang out.

From the time she arrived, I knew something was off. I didn’t know what, but she wasn’t acting like herself. A few months before, my mom and dad had finalized their divorce after thirty-six years of marriage. I knew how much my mom had been through and at first just attributed her demeanor to the pain of her own situation. As she prepared to leave, she asked if we could sit down and talk. She became very emotional. We both sat down on the couch, and she took a Bible out of her bag.

She said, “The past few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I have spent them encouraging your dad to be a man of truth. To be honest. To live with integrity. The more I have gone after your dad to tell the truth, the more God has convicted me of choices I have made to not be a person of truth. One of the things God has laid on my heart is my relationship with you. I am going to tell you right now, Justin, that I am laying our relationship on the altar. I am willing to sacrifice our relationship to do what is
right and to be a person of truth.” With that statement, she opened the Bible to Genesis 22, where the story of Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain and putting him on the altar is recorded.

I’m a hypochondriac, so at this point I wasn’t hearing anything my mom was saying. I was thinking,
She is going to sacrifice me? Do I have a deadly disease that she hasn’t told me about? I wonder how advanced it is? I wonder how much time I have left? If I were to die, where would they bury me? We haven’t even bought a cemetery plot yet! I hope it isn’t a painful death. I’m really too young to die!
I know, I have serious issues, but that was my thought process. After I snapped out of it, my mom got to the point.

She said, “You know that your dad and I got married fifteen days after you were born. I got pregnant with you out of wedlock.” I nodded. “What you don’t know and what I have been lying to you about for the past thirty-six years is that when I met your dad, I was eight months pregnant with you. Your dad is not your real dad. Your dad adopted you when you were a toddler. He is your adoptive father, not your birth father.”

My head started spinning. She could have told me I was from Mars and it would have made more sense to me than what she was saying. I don’t remember much of what else she said, but I do remember asking her to leave. As soon as she was in the car, I called Trisha and told her of the bomb that had just been dropped on me. She couldn’t make any more sense of it than I could. The identity I had found in ministry for so many years was gone, and now the identity I had found in my parents was turned upside down.

Trisha was just a few minutes from Pete and Brandi’s house, so she drove there and shared the news with them while she was on the phone with me. Pete got on the phone, and the first thing he said was, “Well, if ministry doesn’t work out for you, you could always go on Jerry Springer.” It was the light moment we all needed. Then he said something profound: “It is all out now. There is absolutely nothing hidden about your life anymore.”

That statement became the foundation for another work of
healing and restoration that continues today. The way God had led Trisha through the process of forgiving me was crucial as I walked through that same process with my mom. It was a yearlong process of asking questions, having tough conversations, choosing to forgive, and allowing truth to bring healing. Today, my mom and I have a deeper, closer relationship than we’ve ever had. The waterline is completely lowered. There is nothing left below the surface.

JUSTIN & TRISHA:

FINAL WORDS FROM TRISHA

I wish I could say that it was all happily ever after, but there is no pretty bow to tie around our refinement process. Six months into our move to Nashville, I became depressed and had no idea why, so I went back to counseling. As I unpacked my heart with Justin and my counselor, I realized that I had made Cross Point the Promised Land where life was to be easy-breezy 24-7.

When reality set in that our return to ministry was going to be harder than I realized, I felt lost. I had convinced myself that ministry wouldn’t be as hard this time around because
we
were different, so ministry had to be too. I apologized to both Pete and Brandi for placing unrealistic expectations on them and on Cross Point. I had to allow the principles I had learned for my marriage relationship to be transferred to my relationship with the bride of Christ. Three years later, the bride of Christ has become a good friend that I get to partner with to share the love of Christ with others.

As you choose to take the path to extraordinary, know that there will be discouraging days when you take three steps forward, then two steps back. All the principles we have learned and shared throughout this book are principles we must still remind ourselves of and continue to explore. The biggest lesson I have learned writing this book is that just because you have the knowledge of something doesn’t mean you automatically apply it to your life and allow it to transform you. Living in the extraordinary is
daily asking God to lead us out of the ordinary we are tempted to settle for. If I had to go through all the pain and trials again in order to lead me to who I am today, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m eternally grateful to our heavenly Father, who loves us so much that he gave us the extraordinary gift of his Son so that we could have an extraordinary life through him.

FINAL WORDS FROM JUSTIN

Just a few nights ago, I sat on the couch next to Trisha, fighting to stay awake while we watched TV. Seven years ago, we were fighting for our married lives. I was fighting to be a person of truth. Trisha was fighting to forgive. We were fighting for a new start. What was true then is still true today: we aren’t meant to fight
with
each other; we are meant to fight
for
each other. I would never choose the path we took, but I wouldn’t change it either. It was and is worth the fight.

God is fighting for you right now. God is fighting for your heart. God is fighting for your husband. God is fighting for your wife. God’s vision for your marriage is extraordinary! Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop pursuing. Don’t stop sharing truth. Don’t stop forgiving. Don’t stop praying. Don’t lose hope. The vision you had when you said “I do” isn’t nearly as extraordinary as God’s vision for your marriage.

Author Frederick Buechner says, “A marriage made in Heaven
is one where a man and a woman become more richly themselves together than the chances are either of them could ever have managed to become alone.”
¹¹

Beyond ordinary is you becoming more of who God has created you to be so you can become more of the husband or wife God calls you to be. As you choose refinement and allow Christ to transform you, your marriage will move beyond ordinary.

God’s vision for your marriage is oneness.

It is possible, but it has to be intentional.

You have to choose it, day after day, moment after moment. One step at a time.

QUESTIONS

1. Have you ever had God call you out of a place of comfort and into a place of risk? How did you react?
   
2. Do you see your marriage story as something God could use to bring hope to others? Why or why not?
   
3. In order to begin an extraordinary marriage you will have to ask God daily to lead you out of the ordinary you are tempted to settle for. Moving forward, what will you refuse to settle for?
   
4. God’s vision for your marriage is oneness. What will you do today to pursue oneness with your spouse?
   

FROM JUSTIN

Tony and Suzy Anthony—
Thank you for looking past your own hurt and giving me a place to live, heal, and allow God to restore my soul.

Mike and Emily Jackson—
Thank you for loving me in spite of the pain I caused you. Your grace and mercy in my darkest hours helped me find my way out of the darkness.

Craig Parker, Dave Rodriguez, Keith Carlson—
Thank you for tough love, speaking truth, and pastoring my family even as you shared in the consequences of my poor choices.

Mom—
Your willingness to lower the waterline in our relationship and to be honest and vulnerable allowed God’s grace and mercy to shine brightly. Thank you for loving me and my family well.

Brennan Manning—
You will probably never see this thank-you, but I had to acknowledge the role
Abba’s Child
had in my redemption and restoration. Thank you.

Bill and Martha Kuntz—
Thank you for taking a chance on a broken-down pastor that had never done sales before by allowing me to be a part of PrincetonOne. God used you to help me provide for my family as he healed my heart and prepared us for ministry.

FROM TRISHA

Mom—
The trials and heartaches which have flowed from your life would leave most people defeated and bitter, but not you. Your very being is a testimony that through Christ all things are possible if we let him lead. Thank you for choosing him over and over and over again. You will never know how deep and far reaching your testimony has moved others closer to Jesus. Thank you for being beyond ordinary. I love you!

Pops—
Thank you for loving me and believing in my marriage when I couldn’t do either for myself.

Angi, Jodi, and Brooker (Team Justin)—
For telling our waiter his name isn’t Justin and for simply being you!

Rose Curnutt, Beth Belleville, and Julie Gerhardt—
Thank you for loving my boys and me in the midst of the storm and for telling me that one day God was going to use our mess for his glory.

Joan Jackson—
Thank you for your wisdom and love. I will forever cherish my days of Bible study in your home!

Kathy Elzinga—
Thank you for being an unseen superhero who dared to park outside my home dressed in the full armor of God to be a prayer warrior fighting for my family.

Frankie—
As my brother, it came as no surprise that you came to my rescue when I needed you most. But the day you chose to see and hug Justin just hours into our chaos forever changed my perspective of grace. Thank you!

Natalie Grant—
Your music provided a backdrop to my pain that often guided me back to the truth of who God is. Thank you for your passion for your music, your family, and your friends.

Charity Martin—
I never knew sweet tea and homemade peanut butter cookies would touch my heart so deeply. Thank you!

Lindsey Nobles—
Without even asking you took it upon yourself to bust through walls I had built around my heart. You have given me the gift to see that truth, grace, and trust can coexist, even in the messiness of life and friendships! I love you!

JUSTIN & TRISHA

Lisa Jackson—
Your belief in us and in this book gave us confidence and endurance throughout this entire project. Thank you for choosing us and for developing us as authors. Thank you for enduring my (Justin’s) long-winded conference calls and incessant e-mails. We appreciate you so much.

Jonathan Schindler—
Thank you for the time, heart, and attention to detail you gave our manuscript. You said you had three goals: to preserve the author’s voice, to edify the reader, and to bring glory to God. We believe with all of our hearts that you accomplished all three with our book. Thank you for your patience and care with our story.

To our Tyndale team:
Kara, April, Maria, Carol, Linda, Jennifer, and the rest of the Beers team—
Thank you for helping us share such an intimate story in a way that shows God’s grace and restoration. We love you and appreciate you so very much.

Jenni Burke—
Thank you for your guidance, encouragement, gentle spirit, and tenacious belief in this book and in us. Thank you for responding to text messages . . . even when I (Trish) told Justin not to send them. We are blessed to have you not only as our literary agent but also as our friend.

Don Jacobson—
Thank you for your heart for authors, their stories, and the way you steward the role, experience, and authority God has given you. It is an honor to be represented by you.

Our family:
Julie, Frankie, Justin, Josh, Meredith, Jake, Deb, Jonah, Crystal, our dads, and our awesome nieces and nephews—
Thank you for your continued love and support. We love you deeply!

Pete and Brandi—
There are no words to describe the depth of love and gratitude we have for you. Over the past twelve years, you have listened, loved, supported, encouraged, admonished, believed in, and inspired us to be the family we are today. Without you, this book wouldn’t exist. Thank you for being beyond-ordinary friends who love unconditionally.

Our Cross Point Community Church family—
Thank you for truly being a place where “Everyone’s welcomed because nobody’s perfect and anything is possible”! Not all churches give second chances. Thank you for the honor of pastoring again at Cross Point.

Tom and Shelly Anthony—
Thank you for your unconditional love, words of wisdom, encouragement, and friendship. Your shoulders to cry on have guided us in times of doubt and carried us in times of fear. This book has our friendship sprinkled from cover to cover.

Chris and Cindy Johnson—
Beyond ordinary is the only way to describe the friendship that you have given us over the past ten years. You are our biggest cheerleaders and dearest friends.

Dan Crosley—
Thank you for setting us on a narrow, painful, and hard path that led us to a marriage that is beyond ordinary.

Our neighbors on Lancaster Place—
Your love of our family broke down walls and healed wounds you didn’t even knew existed. Thank you for being biblical community when we needed it most.

Focus on the Family—
Thank you for your ministry that provides crisis counseling in people’s most desperate time of need, and thank you to the counselor, whose name we don’t even know, whose words of wisdom changed everything.

Aaron Brockett—
Thank you for hearing the story within us before we even knew how to articulate it. Sunday, January 4, 2009, launched a bigger story that God is still writing to this day.

Eagle Church—
Thank you for providing a safe place to hide and heal yet loving us out of hiding to share our healing with the world.

Pam Case—
Your vivacious passion to see people win is contagious! Thank you for coming alongside us and for opening doors for this book to have a fighting chance.

Bryan Norman—
Thank you for your brilliance, friendship, and belief in us. Thank you for lunches full of Mexican food and grace.

Kenny Sandifer—
Thank you for being our counselor and friend who keeps us on the path of an extraordinary marriage when we feel like we have lost our way.

Pam, Emily, and Rachel—
Thank you for many years of being family away from family. We love you!

Readers of RefineUs—
Thank you for being a part of our ministry. Who says a blog can’t change the world! Every marriage that is helped with this book is a reflection of God’s using you as a part of our community and ministry. We are grateful for your years of support and encouragement.