Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough (8 page)

At this moment, David would have known exactly who Bathsheba was. In 1 Chronicles 11, Uriah the Hittite is listed as one of David’s mighty warriors. Uriah was one of thirty men who had fought with and for David in the most epic of battles. Uriah would have been very close—in proximity if not regular comradery—to David.

But even with this new information, David overlooks what Uriah has done for him and makes a really poor decision. It is a story you are probably familiar with: David sends for Bathsheba
and sleeps with her.
No one will know
, he thinks. He is the king and has the power to keep things quiet. But sin has a way of revealing itself, even when we think we can hide it. A short time later, Bathsheba realizes she is pregnant.

Much like Justin on that cold winter’s night, David decides to continue lying rather than tell the truth. David calls Uriah back from the front, invites him to the palace, and then sends him home to sleep with his wife so David can cover up his part in Bathsheba’s pregnancy. But Uriah is so loyal to the king that he refuses to go home. The next day, David invites Uriah back to the palace to convince him to go home and sleep with his wife, even getting him drunk, but again Uriah refuses out of loyalty to David and his fellow soldiers. David then escalates his cover-up scheme, and he has Uriah put on the front lines of the battle and killed.

Like David, I (Trisha) for years felt that even though my family had to endure a lot of tough and heartbreaking battles, God was with me. Like David, when times got hard, I would turn to God, and God would answer. But as David’s circumstances started to change, so did he. When David committed adultery, he not only covered up what he did from those around him, but even worse, he hid from God. Just like Adam and Eve in the Garden, David attempted to deal with sin by hiding it. Justin and I were no different.

Unconfessed sin leads to either distorting the truth or withholding it. Both erode intimacy and break trust.

ICEBERGS & WATER LEVELS: WITHHOLDING TRUTH

There is another type of dishonesty that keeps our marriages ordinary. This kind of dishonesty is more subtle. It seems less damaging. It doesn’t feel like such a big deal. It isn’t distorting the truth; it is simply withholding the truth.

Let’s pretend that our lives are icebergs. Our family relationships, our friendships, our work and school relationships, our marriages, and our relationships with God all make up this iceberg.

What’s dangerous about icebergs is that what lies below the surface is usually larger than what can be seen above the waterline. The part of an iceberg that isn’t visible is the part that has the potential to do the most damage. I think the same thing is true in our lives. Each relational level of our lives is like a waterline, and as we allow that waterline to lower in our relationships, more of who we are is exposed—to others and to God.

Unlike icebergs, the waterline in our lives is totally within our control. It is totally up to us how high or low that waterline is. How low we allow the waterline to go will determine the intimacy we are capable of experiencing in our relationships and in our marriages.

The first waterline in our lives we might call “image.” The image waterline is the level we work hard to make appealing. This waterline leaves the part of the iceberg above the surface that everyone sees. It represents the most visible and public parts of your life. This is your job. This is the car you drive. This is the house you live in. This is the smile you put on your face on the way to church. This is what your golfing buddies think about you. This is the school you want your kids to go to. This is the neighborhood you aspire to live in. This is the public persona you display for those you want to impress. This is what your neighbors think about you. This is the area of your life that you try really hard to make respectable and noticeable. This is what you allow the majority of your relationships to know about you. This is the surface level of our lives.

There is a second waterline in most of our lives, the relationship waterline. This waterline represents what your friends know about you. When you allow others to see your life at this waterline, more of your heart is exposed. This waterline is reserved for a select group of people in your life. It allows a smaller group of people to know more about you. They know your successes as well as your failures. They know your dreams and your hopes. At this waterline, you share your story and go beyond the exterior you’ve cultivated. The smaller group at this waterline is allowed to see your dysfunc
tions and weaknesses. This is where your relationship with your spouse likely started.

The waterline probably started high when you were dating. Your spouse could do no wrong. She was perfect, you never fought, he didn’t know your past, she didn’t know your flaws. But then there was a shift, and you realized that you could trust this person. You could be more vulnerable with him or her. You could share more of yourself. As your relationship grew, you made a conscious decision to allow the person you were dating to become the person you would marry. You lowered the waterline; you exposed more of your heart.

The next waterline is marriage. This is the waterline reserved for your spouse. It is the most intimidating waterline and leaves your heart exposed and vulnerable. You envisioned your spouse knowing everything about you and you knowing everything about your spouse. This is the part of your heart that you allow only your spouse to see.

When you stood at the altar and said, “I do,” you didn’t anticipate there being another waterline. In that moment, you probably believed that in your marriage relationship you would have the safety and security to be fully known, to be fully exposed, to have no part of your life below the waterline. That was God’s vision for your marriage, and it was likely your vision as well.

But the longer we are married, the easier it is to allow the waterline of our hearts to creep back up and leave more and more of our hearts below the surface, not visible even to our spouses.

There is another waterline in most of our lives. It is what we call “hiddenness,” and this is the part of our hearts that we don’t allow even our spouses to see. This is the part of our hearts where we withhold truth. This is that part of our hearts where we say,

“I could never tell my husband that.”

“If my wife ever knew that about me, it would be over.”

“I don’t need to share that with my husband; it’s not that big of a deal.”

“What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

This was the lustful part of my (Justin’s) heart. This was the part of my heart that I knew was there but didn’t think I could share with Trisha. It was the hidden part of me.

What we realize in our marriages is that we do want to spend the rest of our lives with the other person, but we don’t want to share all of our hearts. This last level is the waterline that costs us something. As our willingness to share this part of our hearts increases, our vulnerability to risk and hurt also increases.

For most of us, we get to a place where we not only think we can hide this part of our hearts from our spouses, but we think we can hide it from God, too. If we can go to church enough, if we can be spiritual enough, if we can read our Bibles enough, if we can be good enough, then maybe God won’t notice the parts of our hearts we have yet to expose to him.

Maybe the ordinary state of our marriages has less to do with the marriage and more to do with the truth we withhold or distort in our relationships with God. When we hide truth, we limit the level of intimacy we are capable of experiencing in that relationship. We put a cap on being fully known. Partial truth will never lead to complete intimacy. Partial truth always leads to ordinary relationships, with God and with our spouses. And we can never have extraordinary relationships with our spouses when we are settling for an ordinary relationship with God.

Intimacy, being fully known, is built upon a foundation of truth telling.

LIVING WITH NO SECRETS

It is easy to think that the solution to our dishonesty is simply, “Just tell the truth.” But it’s not that easy. If it were that easy, we would all be great truth tellers. Intimacy comes with a price, and the cost of intimacy is complete honesty. Complete honesty with God, complete honesty with ourselves, complete honesty with our
spouses. The problem that most of us have is that we think we can
behave
our way into being honest. Being honest isn’t a condition of our behavior; it is a condition of our hearts. If we want our lying to change, we have to allow God to change our hearts.

I (Justin) have struggled with honesty my entire life. I have distorted, exaggerated, and withheld truth in ways that have caused immense damage to those I love the most. More than that, my dishonesty has broken intimacy in my relationship with God. Because truth telling is a prerequisite to intimacy, it has become a nonnegotiable in my life. Here are some questions I ask myself that allow God the space in my heart he needs to transform me:

1. Is the fear of the consequences of the truth greater than my commitment to tell the truth?

2. Am I telling myself the truth?

3. Is there a truth I have distorted or am distorting right now?

4. Is there something I have withheld or am currently withholding from my spouse?

Let’s go back to the story of David. He has already committed adultery and murder. The king of Israel—in no uncertain terms—has sinned. Not only has he sinned, he has hidden his sin and withheld truth. For almost an entire year, this sin goes unconfessed. God has had enough, and he wants to confront David.

In 2 Samuel 12, we read how God sends the prophet Nathan to confront David’s sin, to lower the waterline of his heart and expose the iceberg he’s been hiding:

David was furious. “As surely as the L
ORD
lives,” he vowed, “any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.”

Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man!”

This is what I love about the story of David: with those four words—“You are that man!”—the waterline of David’s heart is lowered and his entire life is exposed. Most of the time, like David, we also wait until we are exposed before we realize the tremendous freedom of living with no secrets. David is exposed, and in the process of being exposed, he realizes the power of confession.

Look what David says in Psalm 32:

     
Blessed is the one

          
whose transgressions are forgiven,

          
whose sins are covered.

     
Blessed is the one

          
whose sin the L
ORD
does not count against them

          
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

     
When I kept silent,

          
my bones wasted away

          
through my groaning all day long.

     
For day and night

          
your hand was heavy on me;

     
my strength was sapped

          
as in the heat of summer.

     
Then I acknowledged my sin to you

          
and did not cover up my iniquity.

     
I said, “I will confess

          
my transgressions to the L
ORD
.”

     
And you forgave

          
the guilt of my sin.

     
Therefore let all the faithful pray to you

          
while you may be found;

     
surely the rising of the mighty waters

          
will not reach them.

     
You are my hiding place;

          
you will protect me from trouble

          
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Maybe you are in a place similar to the one David was in. You are wasting away because you are silent about your sin. You have secrets and mistakes and things you have convinced yourself that you can never tell your spouse. You are tired. Your marriage is tired.

Maybe as you read this chapter you know that you are David: you have withheld truth for a long time, and it has put distance between you and God and you and your spouse. Your marriage is ordinary, and it may be because your relationship is built on only partial honesty. You want to tell the truth, but you know it will hurt.

I read a Tweet from Andy Stanley that said, “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.” This certainly seems true from my vantage point. The consequences of your concealment may be less visible than the consequences of your confession, but they will always do more damage.

The path to extraordinary is confession, but how do you choose confession?

May I offer a few suggestions? Trisha and I have benefited from the help and guidance of a Christian marriage counselor. We highly recommend that couples who struggle in the area of honesty work with a marriage counselor to help refine and improve their marriages. Especially if you have truth that has been withheld or distorted for a long time, the expertise of a marriage counselor can be essential to help you and your spouse start the healing process. Confession doesn’t do any good if it doesn’t lead to transformation. A counselor will help you move toward transformation.