Big Girl (2010) (21 page)

Chapter 19

As she did every year, Victoria flew to L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was going to be different this year because Harry had agreed to join them. It was a prelude to what it would be like when he and Gracie were married. And when Victoria got to the house on Wednesday night, her mother was in a flap setting the table with their best linens and Gracie was nowhere to be seen. She and Harry were out having dinner with his sister, who was going to her in-laws' the next day. Their parents were away, so Harry was having Thanksgiving with the Dawsons instead. And her parents were acting as though a head of state was going to be with them. Their best everything was being used, which seemed silly to Victoria. But she helped her mother set the table as soon as she arrived. They were using her grandmother's linens and crystal, and Christine's own wedding plates.

"Gee, Mom, do we really have to go to all this trouble for him? I can't remember you ever using these plates before."

"I haven't in twenty years," she admitted sheepishly. "Your father wants me to. He thinks Harry is used to only the finest, and he doesn't want him to think we don't have nice things." It gave Victoria a sudden urge to turn Thanksgiving into a backyard barbecue and use paper plates. It seemed so pretentious to go to such lengths for a twenty-seven-year-old kid, who was about to be family after all. But her parents were showing off. Harry would probably have been just as happy with their everyday plates, which he had seen before, and were perfectly fine. It turned their holiday into a much bigger deal than it usually was.

Gracie came home at midnight and raved about how adorable Harry's sister was, and what a good time she'd had with them, although she'd met her before. But they were going to be sisters-in-law now. His sister supposedly had a nice husband and two children. And Victoria missed the days when Gracie talked about something other than the Wilkeses and the wedding. And she still hadn't accepted the fact that she had to wear the brown dress at the wedding. It was impossible to get Gracie's feet on the ground these days and talk about anything other than the wedding.

"Maybe you should get a job," Victoria said sensibly. "It would give you something else to think about till the wedding."

"I don't think Harry wants me to," Gracie said meekly about the job.

"She doesn't have time," their mother added. "She has too much to do for the wedding. We still have to order the invitations and pick out everything for her registry in three stores. Harry wants to find an apartment, and she has to help him with that. We're still waiting for the sketches from Vera Wang, and Oscar de la Renta is also doing some sketches of wedding gowns that would go with the bridesmaid dresses. She hasn't picked the cake. We have to meet with the caterer, the florist. We need a band. We're not sure about which church. And then she'll have to have fittings for the dress, be photographed in it. There will probably be counseling at the church. She doesn't have time for work. She'll be busy every day with the wedding." Victoria was exhausted just listening to the list, and her mother looked it. It had become a full-time preoccupation for both of them, and seemed ridiculous to Victoria. Other people managed to work
and
get married. But not Gracie.

"This must be costing a fortune," Victoria commented to her father the next morning while her mother was basting the turkey, wearing a white wool Chanel suit and an apron. They had gotten very fancy. Victoria was wearing gray wool slacks and a white sweater, which seemed like enough for their usual Thanksgiving. They didn't normally get this dressed up or make as much effort. But a new day had dawned ever since Gracie was engaged to Harry. Victoria thought it was absurd and inappropriate, and didn't want to join in.

"You're damn right it's costing a fortune," her father confirmed. "But they're a very important family. I don't want Gracie to be embarrassed. Don't expect something like this if you ever get married," he warned her. "If you find some guy to marry, you'd better elope. We couldn't do this again." She felt as though he had slapped her. As usual, she was being informed that Gracie deserved a wedding fit for a princess, but if she ever married, which her father considered unlikely, she'd better plan on eloping, because they weren't giving her a wedding. How nice. And how clear. Welcome to second-class citizenship, again. The family was going first class, and she had to go steerage. They were always singling her out to be different and "lesser than" everyone else, or a failure. She wondered why they didn't just put up a sign on the door to her room, "We don't love you." Her parents said it every way they could, and for a minute she was sorry she had come home. She could have had Thanksgiving with Harlan and John at her apartment. They were having friends over that day, and she was sure she'd have been more welcome than she was here. She couldn't have felt less welcome and less loved after what her father had just said. She didn't mention the wedding again. It was becoming a sore subject with her, even if it was the only thing her sister ever thought of now. And when Harry arrived at noon, it got worse.

Everyone got nervous and started running around. Her father served champagne instead of wine. Her mother was anxious about the turkey. Victoria was helping in the kitchen, and Harry and Gracie went outside and were whispering and giggling, while her parents made fools of themselves. And once they got to the table, her father and Harry talked politics. Harry told them what was wrong with the country and what should be done to fix it, and her father agreed. Every time Gracie started to say something, Harry cut her off, or finished the sentence for her. She had no voice and no opinions, and none were allowed about anything but the wedding. It was no wonder she talked about it all the time, it was the only thing Harry would let her talk about. Victoria had always found him annoying while they were dating, but he was insufferable now and pompous beyond belief. Between Harry and her father, she wanted to scream. Gracie played stupid all the time now, to please Harry, and her mother kept running back and forth to the kitchen. Victoria didn't have an intelligent conversation with anyone all afternoon. And she finally walked out into the backyard after the meal to get some air. She was horrified by what Gracie was getting herself into. And when she came outside to find Victoria, her older sister looked at her in despair.

"Baby, you're smarter than this. What are you doing? Harry doesn't even let you say anything. How can you be happy like this? There's life after the wedding. You can't be with a man who runs you over all the time and tells you what to think."

"He doesn't do that," Gracie said, looking upset by what her sister had said. "He's wonderful to me."

"I'm sure he is. But he treats you like a doll with no brain." Gracie looked shocked, and she started to cry as Victoria tried to hug her, and Gracie wouldn't let her.

"How can you say something like that?"

"Because I love you, and I don't want you to screw up your life." It was as blunt and honest as she could be, and she thought it needed to be said.

"I'm not. I love him, and he loves me. And he makes me happy."

"He's just like Dad. He doesn't listen to Mom either. None of us do. We just listen to him. And she goes out and plays bridge. Is that who you want to be when you grow up? You should have a job and something intelligent to do now. You're a smart girl, Gracie. I know that's a sin in this family. But in the real world, it's a good thing."

"You're just jealous," Gracie said angrily. "And you're mad about the brown dress." She sounded like a petulant child.

"I'm not mad. I'm disappointed you're making me wear something that I'll look awful in. But if it's important to you, I'll wear it. I just wish you'd have picked something I'll look good in too, not just your friends. It's your wedding, you call the shots. I just don't want you to give up your brain at the altar and trade it for a wedding ring. I think that would be a very bad trade."

"I think you're being a bitch!" Gracie said, and stomped back inside, as Victoria stood outside and wondered how soon she could leave and fly back to New York. The next plane wouldn't be too soon for her. They were so busy showing off for Harry and trying to impress him that the holiday had been totally destroyed for her. She went back inside and had coffee with the others, and Victoria didn't say anything. Gracie was sitting on the couch next to Harry, and a few minutes later Victoria went out to the kitchen to help her mother do the dishes. They all had to be washed by hand, they were so delicate. Her father stayed in the living room to talk to Harry. It had been a hard day for Victoria. They felt even more like someone else's family now. Everyone had a place and a role here except her. Her role was that of misfit and outcast, and it wasn't one she enjoyed.

"The turkey was good, Mom," she said as she dried the dishes.

"I thought it was too dry. I got nervous and left it in too long. I wanted everything to be perfect for Harry." Victoria wanted to ask her why. What difference did it make, if he was going to be family? He wasn't a king or the pope. She had never seen so much fuss made for anyone who visited them before. "He's used to all the finer things in life," her mother added with a smile. "Gracie will have a wonderful life with him." Victoria wasn't so sure. In fact, she was sure Gracie wouldn't if he never let her finish a sentence or say a word. He was a handsome, intelligent man from a wealthy family, but Victoria would have preferred being alone forever to being married to him. She thought her sister was making a terrible mistake. He was insensitive, opinionated, domineering, full of himself, and he seemed to have no respect for Gracie as a person, just as a decoration or a toy. She was marrying their father, or maybe worse.

Victoria didn't say another word about it for the rest of the day and evening, and she tried to make peace with her sister the next day. They met for lunch at Fred Segal's, which had always been one of their favorite places, and Gracie still looked unhappy about what Victoria had said the day before. But she warmed up halfway through lunch. And Victoria was so upset, she ate a full plate of pesto pasta, and the entire basket of bread. She realized that being around her family was what made her eat excessive amounts, but she couldn't help herself.

"When are you going back?" Gracie asked her as Victoria paid the check. Gracie looked as though she had forgiven her by the end of lunch, which was something of a relief. She didn't want to leave on bad terms.

"I think I'll go back tomorrow," Victoria said quietly. "I have a lot of work to do." Gracie didn't argue with her. She knew they were out of step with each other these days. Gracie thought it was just the pressure of the wedding, but Victoria knew it was deeper than that, and it made her sad. She felt as though she were losing her baby sister to "them." That had never happened before, and Harry had added his weight to theirs, and he was one of "them" too. Victoria felt like an orphan as never before, and it was the loneliest feeling in the world. For once, food wouldn't dull the pain. She hadn't even eaten dessert on Thanksgiving, and she usually loved pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Her father didn't notice Victoria's abstinence, but if she had eaten dessert, he would have commented on that, and the size of the portion she took. There was no winning with them. It was hopeless.

She made a reservation for a flight on Saturday morning, and she had dinner with her parents on Friday night. Grace was at Harry's, and Victoria called her when she left. They all said they'd see her at Christmas, but she had made a decision. She wasn't coming back to L.A. for Christmas. She didn't tell them, but she knew there was no point. There was nothing for her to come back to. She'd be there for the wedding, and not before. She was going to spend Christmas with Harlan and John. That was her home now, not this. It was a major step for her. She felt like she had lost her little sister, who had been her only ally for years, and no longer was.

Her father took her to the airport, and Victoria kissed him goodbye. It was an empty feeling as she looked at him. He told her to take care of herself, and she knew he probably meant it. She thanked him, and walked toward security and didn't look back. She had never been as relieved in her life as when the flight took off and she left L.A. The plane headed toward New York, and she knew she was going home.

Chapter 20

The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were always chaotic at school, but Victoria made sure she checked in at Weight Watchers every week, no matter how busy she was. No one was in the mood to work. Everyone was anxious to go on vacation, and once exams were over, all anyone talked about was what they were doing for the holidays. There were trips to the Bahamas, visits to grandmothers in Palm Beach, or relatives in other cities. There were ski trips to Aspen, Vail, Stowe, and a few who even went to Europe to ski in Gstaad, Val d'Isere, and Courchevel. They were definitely rich-kid vacations in fancy locations around the world. Victoria was startled to hear one of her students discuss her holiday plans. She was talking about it to two other girls as they packed up their things after class, and Victoria couldn't help overhearing. The girl's name was Marjorie Whitewater, and she blithely announced that she was having a breast reduction over Christmas. It was a gift from her father, and the other two girls were asking about it. One of them laughed and said she was having the opposite procedure. Her mother had promised her breast implants, as a graduation present next summer. All three girls seemed to take their assorted surgical procedures in stride, and Victoria looked up with a start.

"Isn't that very painful?" Victoria couldn't resist asking about the breast reduction. It sounded awful to her, and she knew she wouldn't have had the courage to do it. And what if she didn't like the result? She had complained about the size of her breasts all her life, but getting rid of them, even in part, sounded like a major step to her. She had thought about it over the years, but never seriously enough to do it.

"It's not that bad," Marjorie answered her. "My cousin had it done last year. And she looks great."

"I had a nose job when I was sixteen," one of the other girls said. It was a serious medical discussion about the benefits of plastic surgery among teenagers. Victoria was startled by their nonchalance and knowledge about the various operations. "It hurt," she admitted about the nose job, "but I love my new nose. Sometimes I forget it's not the one I was born with. I hated my old nose." The other two laughed, and Victoria shyly spoke up.

"I hate my nose," Victoria confessed to the three students. It was a fascinating conversation. She had happened into it accidentally, but she was part of it now. "I always have."

"Then you should change it and get a new one," one of the girls said easily. "It's not a big deal. My surgery wasn't too bad. My mom had a face-lift last year." The others were impressed, and Victoria was mesmerized by what they said. It had never occurred to her to change her nose. She had said it jokingly, but she'd never actually considered it an option for her. She wondered how expensive it was, but she didn't want to ask the kids.

She said something to Harlan about it that night. "Do you know any plastic surgeons?" she asked him casually, as they cooked dinner together. They were having vegetables and steamed fish, and she was being good about her diet, and she was beginning to shed the weight she had wanted to lose for so long.

"Not really. Why?"

"I'm thinking of getting a new nose." She said it like a new hat or a pair of shoes, and he laughed.

"When did that happen? You've never mentioned that before."

"I was listening to some of my students after class today. They're an absolute encyclopedia of surgical procedures. One got a new nose two years ago. Another one is having a breast reduction over Christmas, as a Christmas gift no less. And the other one is getting breast implants next summer, for graduation. I felt like I was the only one in school with my original parts. And these are just kids," she said in amazement.

"Rich
kids," John added. "None of my students get nose jobs and implants for Christmas."

"Anyway, I don't know how expensive it is, but I was thinking of treating myself to a new nose over Christmas. I'm not going home, so I've got the time."

"You're not?" Harlan was surprised to hear that she was staying in New York. "When did you decide that?"

"At Thanksgiving. My family is too crazy these days with the wedding. And now that my sister's fiance is part of it, I'm outnumbered. There are too many of 'them' and only one of me. I'm not going back till the wedding."

"Have you told them that?"

"Not yet. I thought I'd tell them closer to Christmas. I just thought I'd ask about the surgeon. I didn't want to ask the kids in school."

Harlan didn't say anything, but he gave her three names of plastic surgeons the next day. He had gotten them from people he knew who said they were pleased with their work, and Victoria was thrilled. She called two of them the next day. One was leaving on vacation over the holidays. And the other one, a woman, gave her an appointment for the end of the week. They referred to it as rhinoplasty, and she told Harlan she felt like a rhinoceros going in to get her horn removed, and he laughed.

She went to see Dr. Carolyn Schwartz on Friday afternoon. She had a bright cheerful office on Park Avenue, not far from school, and Victoria walked over after her last class. It was a cold sunny day and a nice walk after being cooped up in school. Dr. Schwartz was pleasant and young. She explained the procedure to her and how much it cost. Victoria was impressed by how reasonable it was. She could actually afford it, and Dr. Schwartz said that she'd be pretty bruised for about a week, and then it would start to fade. She could cover it with makeup when she went back to school. She had an opening on her surgical calendar the day after Christmas, and Victoria looked at her for a long moment and then grinned.

"I'll take it. Let's do it. I want a new nose." She hadn't been as excited about anything in years. The doctor showed her computer printouts of possible noses for her, after taking a photograph of her profile and full face. Victoria said, after looking at all of them, that she wanted a variation of her sister's nose, so she'd look like part of the family. And the doctor suggested a modification of it to suit Victoria's face. Victoria said she would drop off a photograph of her sister the following week, after she went through some photographs she had at home. She had always thought that Gracie had a gorgeous nose, unlike hers, which made her look like a Cabbage Patch Doll, she said, and the doctor laughed. She assured her that it was a fine nose, but they could do better. With the help of the computer, she showed her several possibilities, and Victoria liked them all. Anything seemed better to her than the nose she had.

When Victoria left her office, she felt as if she were walking on air. The nose she had hated all her life, and that her father had made fun of, was about to go. So long, nose.

She told Harlan and John about it as soon as she got home. They were stunned that she had already made the decision and had an appointment to get it done. The only problem, she explained, was that she'd need someone to pick her up at the hospital after the surgery. She looked at them hopefully, and John said he'd be there, since he'd be on vacation too.

She had discussed liposuction with the surgeon too, which sometimes seemed like an easier option than all her dieting, and a quick fix. But when Dr. Schwartz described it to her, it sounded more unpleasant than she'd thought, and she decided against it, and stuck with her plan for a new nose.

The last days of school were fraught with the usual tensions and preholiday excitement. She had to press her students to complete assignments and get them turned in. She urged them all to work on their college essays during vacation, and she knew some would, and most wouldn't, and then there would be a mad scramble in January to get them done before the deadline the colleges imposed.

And there was a major drama in the last week of classes, when one of the juniors was found using drugs at school. He was doing a line of coke in the bathroom, and one of the other kids turned him in. His parents had to be called, and he was suspended. The headmaster handled it, and the parents agreed to put their son in rehab for a month. Victoria was glad that it wasn't one of her students, and she didn't have to get involved. It sounded like a mess to her. She had her own students to worry about. She was keeping an eye on Amy Green, who was doing good work in school, and her pregnancy still didn't show, and probably wouldn't for a long time. And all was going well for her.

Victoria finally told her parents the week before Christmas that she was not coming home for the holidays. They said they were disappointed, but they didn't sound it to her. They were busy with Gracie and Harry, and they were planning to have dinner with the Wilkeses before they left for Aspen for the holidays.

Gracie called her and was genuinely upset that she wasn't coming, and to justify it, Victoria confessed that she was getting a new nose, and Gracie was shocked, but amused.

"You are? Why? That's so silly. I love your nose."

"Well, I don't. I've been stuck with Dad's grandma's nose all my life, and I'm turning it in for a new one."

"Whose nose are you getting?" Gracie asked her, still shocked, and disappointed that she wasn't coming home. But she understood it better now. Her sister didn't tell her that even without the rhinoplasty, she wouldn't have come. There was no need to say that.

"My own, kind of an individualized version of yours and Mom's," Victoria said, and Gracie laughed. "We picked it out on the computer, and it suits my face a lot better than the one I have."

"Will it hurt a lot?" Gracie sounded worried for her, which touched Victoria. Gracie was the only one who ever cared about her, no matter what.

"I don't know," Victoria said honestly. "I'll be asleep."

"I mean after."

"They'll give me pain pills to take home, and she said I'll be pretty bruised for several weeks. And slightly swollen for many months, although most people won't see it. But I have nothing planned anyway, so this is a good time. I'm doing it the day after Christmas."

"There goes your New Year's Eve," Gracie said sympathetically, and Victoria laughed.

"I have no one to spend it with anyway. So I'll stay home. I think Harlan and John are going skiing in Vermont. I'll be fine. You can come keep me company if you want."

"Harry and I are going to Mexico over New Year," she said apologetically.

"Then I'm glad I'm staying here."

"Send me a picture of your new nose. After it's not blue anymore." They talked about it for a few more minutes, and afterward Victoria was in a good mood and decided to go to the gym. It was bitter cold outside, but she didn't want to get out of the routine. She was being very good, and using the treadmill at home too.

The doctor had told her that she wouldn't be able to exercise at first after surgery, so she wanted to do all she could beforehand. She didn't want to get out of shape while she was nursing her nose.

It was starting to snow when she got to the gym, and it looked like Christmas around the city. People had their trees up, and she was planning to get one with Harlan and John that weekend. They were having friends over to help them decorate it. And Victoria was thinking about it as she rode one of the Exercycles, and she noticed that the man on the one next to her was exceptionally rugged and good-looking, and he was talking to a beautiful girl on his other side. Victoria stared at them for a few minutes, mesmerized. They were an extremely handsome couple, they looked like they got along very well, and they laughed a lot. For a lonely moment, she couldn't help envying them the relationship they obviously shared. She was wearing her iPod so she couldn't hear what they were saying, but their faces as they looked at each other were warm and loving, and watching them tore at her heart. She couldn't even imagine having a man who looked like that in her life.

The man exercising next to her had piercing blue eyes and dark hair, and a square jaw and chin with a deep cleft in it. He had broad shoulders and long legs, and she noticed that he had nice hands. She was embarrassed when he turned and smiled at her. He had sensed her staring at him, so she looked away. And then she noticed him looking at her again, and admiring her legs when she got off the bike. She was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt, and he was wearing a T-shirt and shorts. And she thought that their relationship must be very secure for the woman he was with not to get upset when he looked at her like that. She seemed not to be bothered at all. Victoria had smiled at him, and then left the gym to go home. She could hardly wait for her vacation to get her new nose. She hated to miss time at the gym, but she promised herself to work twice as hard on her workout program as soon as she could start again. With a newly toned, slimmer body and a better nose, she could hardly wait for her new life to begin. She was smiling to herself, thinking about it and feeling hopeful as she left the gym that night.