Big Girl Panties (12 page)

Holly felt her teeth tearing into her lower lip and then chastised herself. It wasn't fair to be comparing herself to any of these women; no one had asked her to. Not one of her companions tonight had made her feel inferior, especially her friend Logan. The man who always stayed positive, unruffled, who told her she could do anything in a way that made her believe it, that made her feel alive.

Unfortunately, he was also the man who had begun to invade her dreams. And no matter how many times he came running to her in the middle of the night for a hug and a pint of ice cream, he was the man who would never be returning her desire. They were
friends
. It would have to be enough. Holly swallowed the lump in her throat and closed the lid to her computer. She readjusted the pillows and crawled back under the covers. She tried to close her eyes.

Someone to
hate
? Talk about your all-time backfires.

Chapter Ten

T
wo days later, Chase showed up at Logan's to train. Amanda was conspicuously absent.

Chase rolled his eyes, mentioned something about a coffee date, and dove right into his workout. Logan didn't push it, but he had a pretty good idea of who could pull Amanda away from her adoring husband. Logan sighed inwardly. Amanda was on a mission. As he spotted for Chase, Logan silently applauded the man.
Next time you have her across your knees, give her one for me,
he wordlessly requested.

A
manda and Holly were sitting outside at a small wrought-iron table. Without her husband, Amanda received a few passing glances as other people tried unsuccessfully to place her, but their coffee date remained uninterrupted. There was a genuine sincerity to Holly that Amanda was not only comfortable with but drawn to. Holly had a dry wit that made Amanda laugh out loud, and Holly certainly couldn't be accused of trying too hard. In fact, to Amanda, it would appear Holly wasn't trying at all.

But it didn't take Holly long to get caught up in the excitement that surrounded Amanda in everything she did. It seemed Amanda had the perfect life and was smart enough to appreciate it. And she wasn't skin and bones. Amanda's figure was one step past robust. While it couldn't be denied that she was beautiful, there was a natural grace that came from the total acceptance she had of herself. Holly wondered if it was something Amanda always had or if it was a recent development. Chase Walker sweeping you off your feet would be enough to give any woman confidence, for sure, but didn't you need confidence in the first place to attract a man like Chase Walker? It was like the self-esteem version of the question “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Holly and Amanda had met at a local Starbucks and talked awhile, about everything from Bruce to Chase and the leaked video that revealed the Walkers as spanking enthusiasts. Holly had seen the tape, but only a few days earlier, when she followed a link to YouTube and without any fanfare became a voyeur looking into a couple's personal life. It wasn't just a pat or two, but more than a dozen meaningful swats to Amanda's upturned denim-clad backside. It started with their walking into view, Amanda purposefully nudging him with her shoulder as they strode. Chase lurched forward exaggeratedly, as if she had launched him with the strength of an Amazon, and he turned back to her, wagging a playful finger in her direction. Amanda returned the gesture by grabbing the offending finger in one hand and poking him in the chest with the other while laughing. Chase took a quick look around and in the next instant, he grabbed her. Bending her at the waist and pulling her neatly to his side, he suspended her several inches in the air and effectively rendered his sentence. Without any sound and with Amanda's feet swaying, it could have been interpreted as an assault. Until he returned her to the ground and she stood back up. The only thing violent after that was the way she grabbed the lapels of his jacket to yank him to her as he leaned her up against the wall in the empty but brightly lit underground tunnel. There was nothing even remotely resembling violence in the way Chase automatically placed his hand between Amanda's head and the concrete wall to protect her before the force of his kiss jolted them both. The minute-and-forty-five-second-long tape concluded with Chase's abruptly drawing away, grabbing her hand, and taking one of those big meaningful steps toward the nearest exit. He was stopped by a gentle pull in the opposing direction as Amanda rose on her tiptoes to bring her lips to his again. He kissed her one more time and they practically ran out of camera view. It was innocent and honest and heart-meltingly sincere. Holly watched it multiple times, spellbound, and feeling guilty for wishing she could have heard the dialogue. In the end she was convinced it couldn't have been filmed better for a movie. All the elements were there. Chase: the dashing, larger-than-life would-be hero. So comfortable in his own skin, confident in taking charge, but immediately yielding to her subtlest of urges. Amanda: the beautiful damsel who obviously reveled in Chase's attention and boldly maneuvered the situation to escalate it to its ultimate ending. There was indisputable adoration evident on both of their faces as they went from playful to passionate. The emotions displayed during the whole exchange were palpable. All caught on tape by a nondescript, tiny black ball on the wall next to a sprinkler. It was distributed by a creep working the night shift who wanted to make a little quick cash. Even the quality and lighting and angles were perfect. It was as if it was meant to be.

“Of course they tried to edit out everything past the spanking, in the name of journalism. More like ratings,” Amanda huffed with an indignant wave of her hand, sitting straight up in her chair and leaning forward, closer to Holly. She had never really spoken about the incident at length with anyone, beyond what she was programmed to say by public relations advisers on retainer. But with Holly, Amanda felt safe. Holly was getting to know Amanda now, after Amanda had lived through it and grown from it. Everyone else had witnessed the meltdown, and since then, Amanda had spent the majority of her time with Chase.

“But people found it so damn romantic; it sort of took on a life of its own. We got a lot of mail saying that folks were tired of being force-fed scandals. That Chase had never been anything but a perfect role model to kids and grown-ups alike, and it was a disgrace that people were trying to make him look like a batterer at worst and a pervert at best. We got a lot of support, even if we are a little kinky. That's why we don't fight so hard to get it pulled off the Internet.” Amanda couldn't hold back the subsequent giggle. “And it was awfully romantic. Seeing it, you know? Not that I thought it at the time. Chase really has a romantic streak a mile long. He also just happens to be one of those old-fashioned Neanderthal types who really enjoys whacking ass. But he even does that in this romantic, I-care-about-you-so-much way. No one was more surprised than me. He tapped into a part of my sexuality I didn't even know existed. I'm not sure I can explain it. The feel of him getting turned on while I'm over his lap squirming and wiggling is a total rush. My only regret was taking off, leaving him to clean the mess up alone.” Amanda paused, thoughtful, and then sighed. “I was just so ashamed, not by Chase per se, but by the violation of our privacy, something I felt he should have been more careful to protect. I mean, I was nobody. The only reason it was news was because it was Chase. I wanted to blame him for not knowing we were someplace where we could be seen. I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me. Of making a twisted joke out of a relationship I was just getting used to navigating. He told me he would take care of it, and he did. I should have just trusted him.”

“But it wasn't about him and you at that point,” Holly reminded her. “You said yourself, it had taken on a life of its own. I read some of the comments on that YouTube clip, and most of those folks were downright creepy.”

Amanda leaned back into her chair, shrugging. “That's what helped me get over it actually. Have you ever seen some of the shit you can find on the Web? Don't even get me started on all the women who began to harass Chase about their willingness to take my place. He got e-mails and offers that made him sick to his stomach. And he's hardly a choirboy. Chicks wanting him to do the most outlandish and perverse things to them. Once I realized the broad spectrum of depravity out there, I figured we were actually pretty normal and tame. That is, after I got over the horror of thinking strangers were going to point at me and laugh.”

Getting laughed at.
I feel like that all the time,
Holly thought, secretly amazed and relieved that she really did have something in common with someone like Amanda. Of course, that was where the similarities ended. From just watching that video, it was easy to see that Amanda knew passion, in every sense of the word, something that was as foreign to Holly as attractiveness. She would have loved to learn more, but to question the woman on her sex life would be tacky, regardless of how willing Amanda was to talk about it.

“Still, it had to have been hard,” Holly said slowly. “I felt intimidated just by the people looking at us having dinner the other night, and I knew they weren't looking at me. But then again, I'm not much of a people person to begin with. Eventually I may have to make some changes and at least find some work, for mental health reasons if not financial ones. Luckily, I have the luxury of some time, and I plan on taking more of it. Not that I really have much of a choice. I can't see anyone hiring me any time soon. I've been out of the work loop for a long time, not to mention my social graces are sorely lacking.”

“Don't sell yourself short, Holly,” Amanda told her with sincere empathy. “I've never experienced such a loss; just the thought of something happening to Chase could throw me into a panic. You don't bounce back from something so awful overnight.”

“I appreciate your compassion, but I should probably tell you, I gave up on people after I became a widow.”

“That's a bunch of crap,” Amanda replied, waving her hand again. “I would never find myself so at ease with a social leper. You're recovering from a horrible life-altering experience. It takes time. And you're not running for office or in a popularity contest, so why should you go one step out of your way to make jerks like you? We're a lot alike, you know. Choosy about who we let in. There's nothing wrong with it. I just have to put up a better front of friendliness because of my husband. I only have a few real friends. Once I let Chase win me over, a lot of my friends wandered off. Some were jealous; some just got on with their own lives.”

“And some people just suck,” Holly added.

“True enough!” Amanda laughed and then casually segued to the next topic. “But even Chase is careful about who he lets get really close to him. Sure, he's outgoing and a team player and has a lot of people who answer to him, but he's been burned a few times. Aside from me and our families, the only person he really trusts is Logan.”

Holly's posture changed. Her eyes widened and she looked down at her own hand, nervously playing with the plastic lid on her coffee cup. Bingo.

The mere mention of his name started giving Holly butterflies. Deep down inside, in places she'd never had them before. Places she never knew existed. She had no business having butterflies anywhere when it came to the likes of Logan. But Holly didn't want to pretend she felt nothing about Logan anymore. She wanted to explore the crush, learn everything there was to know about him. Even the things that would hurt to find out, like his obvious preference for tall skinny blondes. She wanted to share the giddy rush she got just hearing his name spoken out loud. And if anyone could shed some light on the man who was boggling her mind, it was Amanda. But could Amanda be trusted, or would she demolish the fantasy by telling Holly she should set her sights elsewhere?

“He really is a great trainer.” Holly's inadvertent sigh of longing escaped, poorly hidden in a statement that had no bearing on the conversation.

Amanda pretended she didn't notice. “He's the best out there. He continues learning. He's forgotten more than most trainers will ever know. He's got this holistic approach that athletes just thrive on. He could be booked twenty-four hours a day if he wanted to be. He must have really seen something in you if he took you on. He hasn't been willing to fit in a new client in forever!”

“Really?” Holly asked, a bit bewildered yet unable to stop a smile from forming at the thought that Logan actually may have lied to her to get her to work with him. “When I met him and he offered up his service, he told me he was trying to drum up business.”

“Drum up business? He hasn't had to solicit new business in years!” Amanda practically squealed with amusement. “See? Like I said, he must have really seen something in you. And he must have been right by the looks of you. At least I'm guessing he's right. I mean, no offense, but your clothes look like you stole them off a hobo. They don't even look like they belong to you.”

“I-I know,” Holly stammered, looking down again, but this time at her old worn-out clothes. “I didn't think it was worth getting new stuff yet. I still have so much farther to go.”

“That may be true, but guess what, Holly? We're all works in progress. You should be willing to reward yourself for your effort
today
. What are you waiting for? Besides, you're paying good money for all this training; it's almost an insult to both you and Logan to not show off the results.”

“I don't even know where to start,” Holly confessed sheepishly, unwilling to tell Amanda her latest shopping trip was to Target, where she spent twenty-five dollars on a T-shirt and gym pants and thirty-five dollars on paper goods. “I don't think I'm even used to this body yet.”

Amanda smiled, satisfied her plan had come together so nicely with almost no effort. “Well, that's the good thing about shopping. You can keep doing it 'til you get it right. Come to think of it, I could use a bit of practice myself.”

Holly returned the smile. Amanda was right; the time had come. And who better to spend the day shopping with? Amanda had great style and was hardly so skinny that she'd look good in
everything
. She could help Holly take her new figure out for a spin.

Holly was ready for the change. Unfortunately, Logan was not.

When Holly came into the gym the next day, not only was she sporting a new bobbed haircut, but the sweatpants and too-big T-shirt were gone, replaced by the latest workout clothes. The flared spandex pants hugged her waist and behind; the form-fitting white Nike tee commanded
JUST DO IT
in neon green and revealed an impressive bust. Where she was once shapeless and undefined, an hourglass figure had begun to take its place. He was momentarily taken aback. Then he had to keep himself from becoming engrossed in it.