Big Girls Do It Married (6 page)

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, is it that you don't love me, or that you love
him
more?"

I hesitated for a long moment before answering. "A little of both, I guess. I love Jeff, with all my heart. He...he asked me to marry him the day before you—before you showed up. I would have said yes anyway. You coming here like you did, it really threw me off. I do care about you, Chase. Maybe, yeah, there might be a part of me that wonders if I could have fallen in love with you. If we could have been great together. But...all the rest of me says I belong with Jeff."

He dumped several creamers into his coffee and followed it with several packets of sugar, stirring it until it sloshed over the side and ran down to pool on the table. He drank his coffee too fast, staring over the top into the middle distance.

"I should have come after you sooner," he muttered, almost to himself rather than me.

"I don't think it would have mattered, Chase. Maybe if you had followed me to Detroit that same day, and forced me to listen to you then,
maybe
. But do we really want to play 'what if'? I don't. It is what it is."

Chase growled. "I hate that phrase. It's so empty and...fucking meaningless. 'It is what it is.' Just another way of saying, 'I don't feel like coming up with a real explanation.'"

"Haven't I given you an explanation?" I asked, irritation replacing nerves. "I told you honestly what I'm feeling, and why I'm saying no."

"I still think you could have loved me, if you had given it a chance. But you didn't, and now it's too late." Chase's voice was low and thick with emotion.
 

"I don't know what to tell you. What if part of the reason I ran like I did was because I knew it wouldn't have worked? I don't want to end up like my parents. They had a great physical relationship, but nothing else. I think that's us."

Chase's gaze snapped to mine, and he slammed his mug down. "You think that's all we have? That's all I'm good for?"

"God, Chase, quit being so damn melodramatic. No, that's not what I think. You're good for more than sex. I think you're sweet and talented and so much else. But I do wonder. Is that all we have? I don't know. Maybe not. But the question is there, and that's reason enough for me."

"And you know you have more with Jeff."

"This isn't about Jeff. I'm not talking to you about Jeff."

"Do you talk to him about me? About us?"

He's not taking this well.
I didn't know how he would take it, but I wasn't expecting this.

"Chase, that's not the point." I focused on breathing and sipping coffee until I was calm enough to be rational. "What else do you want me to say? Do you need to hear it bluntly? I do not want to be with you. I want to be with Jeff."

Chase took a deep, shuddering breath. He wouldn't meet my eyes. "I guess that's it then. Hearing you say it that way..."

I placed the ring box on the table in front of him, next to his coffee. Chase gingerly opened the lid, took another shudder-wracked breath. He was barely keeping it together, I realized. My own eyes burned, feeling the hurt radiating off him.

He lifted the ring out of the box, stared at it for a second, then put it back. He slapped the lid closed and put the box in an inside pocket of his leather jacket. He finished his coffee, silence aching between us.

"Bye, Anna. Good luck with life."

He slid out of the booth and practically ran out of the Denny's. As he turned away, I could have sworn I saw him touch his eye, like a tear was streaking his face, but then he was gone, leaving me to wonder. His bike roared to life, and he peeled out of the parking lot at a breakneck pace.
 

I managed to keep it together long enough to pay the bill for both coffees and get into my car before I broke down. I cried long and hard for Chase. He had given me something priceless in my newfound confidence, my belief in my own beauty and sexual power. I didn’t think he could ever understand that, and I wished I'd tried to impart some of that to him, but it was too late.
 

I forced myself to stop crying. I'd cried more in the last few days than I had in most of the rest of my life. It was done, he was gone, and I could move on. I could go back to being happy with Jeff.
 

I drove home, found a note from Jeff on my counter:
Anna,

Had to go help an old Army buddy move. I'll be back later this evening and we'll go out. I've got reservations at Maggiano's.

If you need to talk, call me. Hope things went well. You know what I mean. I love you.

Jeff. XOXO

Yes, he actually wrote “X”s and “O”s on the bottom of the note. It was cute enough to make my heart melt even further. I folded the note and put it in my purse, along with all the other notes Jeff had written me. I wasn't sure why I was saving them, other than it felt wrong to throw them away.
 

My roommate Jamie came home not long after I did. We’d rarely seen each other lately, as we were both gone a lot. She always had a boyfriend, someone to spend the time with, but it was never serious. I'd spent most of my time at Jeff's lately, so this was the first time I'd seen her since our conversation after I got back from New York.

"Anna, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," Jamie said, giving me a hug.

I hugged her back, holding tight. "It's been a while," I agreed.

"You've been with Jeff, then?" she asked, pulling away and looking at me.

Being my best friend, she sees everything in my eyes. But she still asks.

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell," I said. Talking about it would only upset me all over again.

"Bullshit," Jamie said.
 

She dumped her purse on the table, stuck the charger in her phone, and plopped down at the kitchen table, sipping from her venti skinny white chocolate mocha. She always got the same thing from Starbucks. I teased her about it pretty relentlessly, since she's never, ever had anything else for as long as she's been going to Starbucks.
 

"It's not bullshit. I don't want to talk about it."

"So there is something." Jamie rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know you're going to tell me. It just depends on how much wine I have to ply you with first."

"Ugh. You are such a pain in the ass," I said.

"Yep. That's why I'm your best friend. We pry information from each other when necessary. This is one of those times. I can see it in your eyes. You've been crying."

"All right. Fine. Let me make some tea first." I filled the carafe from the refrigerator, set it on the warmer, and depressed the button. When the water had heated, I poured it over two bags of Irish Breakfast tea, added sugar, and sat down next to Jamie.

"All hell broke loose, Jay," I said, by way of introduction.

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah. Jeff forgave me. We got back together, and things were great.
Are
great. Now, at least. But...he proposed." I showed her my hand, with his ring on my finger.

Jamie spewed coffee into her hand. "What?" She wiped at her face and hands with a napkin. "He
what
?" She took my hand in hers, practically yanking me over the table to examine the ring.
 

I withdrew my hand after a minute, staring at the ring myself. "He proposed. Asked me to marry him."

Jamie shrieked, clapping. "Tell me! Spill! Now!"

I laughed. "Jesus, Jay! Calm down! I'm spilling, already. He took me on a picnic—"

"Like, an actual, factual picnic? Like, outside? With a blanket and a basket of food—?"

"Yes, Jay," I cut in. "An actual, factual picnic. Beneath a huge oak tree, on a handmade quilt, with a basket of food and champagne and everything. It was...so romantic. We had this
incredible
sex, and afterward, he pulled one of those little black boxes from his pants pocket and proposed."

"And you said yes, right?" I didn't answer immediately, and Jamie freaked. "Oh. My. God. You didn't. You
hesitated.
"

"I was scared! You know how I am about marriage, and my parents. I...yeah. I hesitated. I told him I needed to think about it."

"You needed to think about it." Jamie repeated my words like they were an accusation. "You're an idiot. If he loves you, and you love him, what is there to think about?"

"I'm not done, Jay," I sipped my steaming tea, and then started again. "He took it pretty well, I guess. Told me he understood how it might be a surprise and to take as much time as I needed. I wanted to say yes, I really did, but I just...I couldn't. Some part of me wouldn't let me. I don't know. Well, we had a gig the next day. At the fucking Dive, of all places."

"Isn't that where you used to sing with Chase?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Exactly. Well, we get through the shift okay, and then I took a break near the end. When I came back in, Jeff had this weird look on his face. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but then I saw
him.
"

"No! Chase showed up?" Jamie covered her mouth with a hand, leaning forward.

"Just wait. It gets better."

"How could it get better?" Jamie demanded. "Jeff proposes, you say 'I'll think about it,' and then Chase shows up?"

"He looked different, so I didn't recognize him at first. He'd shaved his head—"

"Oooh! Does it look good on him? Not all guys can pull off that look."

"Yes, of course it looks good on him. The man can make a paper bag look sexy. With his head shaved, his eyes are just that much more vivid. He'd also gauged his ears and gotten a new tatt, and I'm not always a huge fan of ear gauging, but again, it's Chase, so it works."

"What happened?" Jamie slapped the table. "Get on with it!"

"You're the one who keeps interrupting!"
 
I said, exasperated. "So
any
way, I saw him, but I didn't have time to do anything. He has a microphone, and he's got the lights on him, and he turns, sees me coming in from the side door, and he fixes me with this intense, typical Chase stare. Now, keep in mind I haven't seen or spoken to him since New York. He called and left all these voicemails, sent me a million texts. You remember. Well, I didn't answer any of them. It had been over a month since I'd been back here, and it had seemed like he'd given up. So then he shows up out of the blue, where I'm working. With Jeff, who just proposed. Of course, Chase had no way of knowing that, but still."

"What did he do? What'd he say?"

"God, impatient much? I'm getting there. So he's got everyone's attention. He just...he commands the room, you know? He doesn't even have to try. He's got that larger-than-life magnetism. So everyone was looking. I mean
everyone.
 

"And then he proposed."

"
What?
Are you fucking serious?" Jamie seemed nearly apoplectic. "He shows up out of the blue, after not having spoken to you in, like, two months, and then he asks you to marry him? In public?"

"Exactly. I nearly had a heart attack. I mean for real, I think my heart actually did skip a few beats."

"What did you do?"

"I freaked! I ran like a bat out of hell. I swear, in the seconds before I ran out the door, you could hear a pin drop. I've heard the expression before, you know? But have you ever actually been in a room full of people that is completely and totally silent, with every single eye on you, waiting for your response? It's absolutely terrifying. It's worse than fucking up a performance. With that, you have the music to prompt you, you can keep going and everyone knows, but the song keeps going. This was so much worse. I wanted to die."

Jamie, for all her bravado and manic energy, truly did love me and understand me. "Oh, honey. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. How did Jeff take it?"

I winced. "He had a glass of Coke in his hand when Chase proposed, and he actually squeezed the glass so hard it shattered. Naturally enough, his first thought must have been that I'd been talking to Chase behind his back or something. But I think when he saw my reaction he knew I hadn't been. Chase and Jeff both ran after me, and...Jeff tried to push Chase away, saying something like, 'you've had your turn'—"

"Oh, god, that couldn't have gone well."

"No, not even a little bit. Chase pushed him back, and Jeff decked him. I mean, he leveled him. Completely flattened him. And let me tell you, having two guys fight over you is not in any way cool. It's awful. I mean, having your guy protect you from some asshole is one thing. I can see how that'd be hot. But when you care about both of them? It's heartbreaking."

"God, Anna. How awful."

"Yeah. So I made Jeff go inside and told Chase I couldn't deal with him right then. I don't think Chase understood at first how I might not have completely appreciated a proposal quite like that."

"Idiot."

"No, he meant well. He just wanted to get my attention, I guess. I'd run off and ignored him, and he was upset. I don't say it was the best way of doing it, but I can understand where he's coming from." I sighed before making the next admission. "You were right about Chase, and my feelings for him, and all that, though. He'd—"

"Well, of course I was," Jamie said, waving her hand as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I knew it, I just knew it would take you time to realize it yourself."
 

She peered at me, and then the ring. "Wait, so is that Jeff's ring or Chase's? I thought it was Jeff, but if you're admitting you have feelings for Chase, then I'm not so sure, all of a sudden."

"I do have feelings for Chase. But what I realized was they were more like my mom and dad's feelings for each other. I wasn't sure we had an emotional relationship. He's great, honestly. It's not that I don't think he's capable of having that kind of relationship, 'cause I think he totally is. I just don't think it's there for him and I. Him and me, he and I—whatever."

"I think it'd be 'him and me.'"

"Oh, like you have any idea," I teased. "But seriously, though. Chase is amazing, in a lot of ways. But I don't think we have a relationship that would last forever. The sex would stop being exciting, or...well, no, it wouldn't. But a relationship has to have more than sex to it, or it doesn't work. I learned that from my parents."