Big Love (13 page)

Zing thought a moment. She could eat all the cookies she wanted if she walked the dogs for Mindy. “Could I walk the dogs while your ankle heals? I like to eat cookies. I also like dogs.”

Mindy’s eye sparkled. “That’s a wonderful idea. I would pay you, of course.”

“You can’t do that,” Zing said.

“Why not? You’d be working for me.”

“I don’t have one of those blue cards with numbers on them. I work for donuts at the bakery, but Nell and Miracle buy me whatever I need.”

“You’re not from this country?” Mindy asked.

“You could say that,” Miracle said.

“So, you work under the table?” Mindy asked.

“Nope. I work above the tables mostly. And the cash register,” Zing said.

“You’ll find that Zing is very literal,” Miracle said. “It makes conversations very interesting.”

“I see,” Mindy said, eyeing Zing curiously. “Well, if you walk the dogs for me, what can I give you?”

Zing shrugged and answered easily, “Cookies. Because if I walk the dogs I won’t get a spare love tire handle.”

“See, she’ll be doing you a favor and save herself a gym membership fee,” Miracle said. She poured herself more coffee. “It’s a win-win.”

“That would be wonderful. I’ll call my clients and tell them you’ll be temporarily replacing me. The dogs will be so appreciative and so will their fur-parents. Being cooped up all day is hard on the dogs and the parents because they get all frolicky and hyper.”

“The parents are frolicky?” Zing asked.

“The dogs, not the people,” Mindy corrected.

There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” Mindy called out. She looked at Miracle and Zing and whispered, “I seriously hope I didn’t just invite a serial killer in.”

“It’s probably Carol. She’s cranky, but she doesn’t kill people,” Zing said. “She gets frolicky sometimes, too.”

“She does?”

“I think a better word is nervous. Carol gets
nervous
,” Miracle said.

“Is she nervous about meeting me?” Mindy asked.

“No, she’s nervous because we have to ask you some…” Zing stopped. She began again. “
Unusual
questions.”

Miracle bit her lip.

Carol opened the door. She was carrying two crutches. “What the hell? I knocked, aren’t you going to let me in?”

“We said to come in,” Miracle said.

“Oh. Guess I didn’t hear you,” Carol said. She put the crutches on Mindy’s lap. “The guy at the medical supply company said that you should really be using two crutches. I guess that way you have two sore armpits instead of just one.”

“How thoughtful of him,” Mindy said.

“We need to adjust them. You’ll have to stand up. Zing and Miracle can help hold you up while I do the adjusting,” Carol said.

“Okay,” Mindy said.

After the adjustment was completed, Mindy flounced down on the couch. “Whew, I’m glad you brought friends, Zing. We needed them.”

“Have a cookie,” Zing said to Carol. It was obvious they were stalling. “And some coffee. Then we can start.”

Miracle poured Carol a cup of coffee. She even knew to put a half teaspoon of sugar and just the right amount of milk.

“What do you all need to ask me? I really curious now,” Mindy said. Her pillow had fallen to the floor during the adjustment. Miracle put it back under her ankle.

“Thank you,” Mindy said.

Carol cleared her throat. “Well, it has to do with Facebook and your profile photo.”

“Oh that, I know. I hardly ever look at Facebook. I should be more active, but I just don’t have time. Actually, I prefer the real stuff, you know, actually talking to people instead of typing at people. I’m not a very good typist. I failed typing in high school,” Mindy said.

“It’s not your profile we’re interested in,” Miracle said.

“Someone else seems to be using your photos and profile pictures,” Carol said.

“I know. I told them it was all right,” Mindy said.

“What?” Carol said. “Why would you do that?”

“To help out. I look better than they do. I mean, I don’t have a beard and receding hairline.”

“You mean this person using your photo is a man?” Miracle asked.

If her eyes could pop out of her head—and she was pretty sure eyes couldn’t do that—Zing thought hers would have. “You mean Nell is in love with a man that she thinks is a woman who doesn’t have a beard and a receding hairline?” Zing asked, incredulously.

“Yep,” Carol said. “I think that’s what she means.”

“Are we talking about Dove Lance here?” Miracle asked, trying to clarify.

“Why yes, he’s my brother-in-law, David Lowry,” Mindy said.

“What!” Carol said leaping up. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“I wouldn’t do that, Carol. Prison is full of scary, mean people,” Zing said. “It’s not nearly as nice as it shows on TV.”

“And just how do you know that?” Carol said whirling on her. “Is there a prison where you come from?”

“No, but I don’t need much sleep. I binge-watch Netflix.”

“Carol, calm down,” Miracle said. “Let’s sort the thing out reasonably. And then we’ll go cut his gonads off.”

This seemed to mollify Carol. “That’s probably better than murder,” she conceded.

Mindy looked aghast. She grabbed a fistful of cookies. “What has David done?” She nervously nibbled the edge of a cookie.

“It’s more like what hasn’t he done,” Carol said. She grabbed her mug and gulped her entire coffee as if more caffeine was needed for the castration she was planning.

“I think you should tell us why you let him use your profile and photos?” Miracle said. She was the picture of calmness.

“He writes lesbian romance books. He didn’t think lesbians would want to buy a lesbian romance from a man. I mean, it’s not his fault he’s not a lesbian. He says he thinks like a lesbian when he’s writing, and he likes lesbians, but to sell books he needed an image. I’m his image. I guess I was flattered. And I didn’t see any harm in it,” Mindy explained.

“Harm! There’s tons of harm in it,” Carol yelled, leaping to her feet.

Mindy shrunk back against the sofa cushions.

“She didn’t know,” Miracle said, touching Carol’s arm.

“And if you don’t stop yelling at her I won’t get to walk the dogs and my spare handle tire will get bigger,” Zing said. She got up and patted Mindy’s head. She’d heard that patting people when they were upset helped them calm down.

“You can still walk the dogs,” Mindy said.

“Thank you,” Zing said.

“You can stop patting my head now.”

“Zing, get over here and sit down,” Carol said. She pointed to an empty chair.

“You’re not sitting,” Zing said, holding her ground.

“Will you both sit down so we can explain to Mindy what’s happened? Then we’ll work out a solution,” Miracle said. She poured Carol another cup of coffee.

Zing didn’t think giving Carol more caffeine was such a good idea. Zing was still nervous so she ate a peanut butter cookie.

“Okay, so tell me. What has David done?” Mindy asked. She shoved another whole macaroon cookie in her mouth.

“Do you know what catfishing is?” Miracle asked.

Mindy nodded. “Sort of.” She swallowed. “Is it when a person makes another person fall in love with them but isn’t being truthful about their identity…?” Mindy clapped her hand over her mouth. The gravity of the situation seemed to have dawned on her all at once. “Oh no! He didn’t, did he?”

Zing could tell by the expression of horror on Mindy’s face she already knew the answer.

“I’ll tell you what the bastard did,” Carol said, her face turning red again.

“Maybe you should let me explain it in a more reasonable way,” Miracle said. “Mindy was just as duped as we all were.”

“Yeah, right,” Carol muttered.

“I really didn’t think there was any harm in it. Women love his books,” Mindy said.

“But it is dishonest,” Zing said.

“You’re right, Zing. It is dishonest. I should’ve thought it through more carefully. I failed my ethics class in high school,” Mindy said.

“Can this get any more blond?” Carol said to herself.

“Be nice,” Miracle said.

“Our friend, Nell, is in love with Dove Lance,” Zing said. “I failed her. She got her head bashed and shaved and now her heart broken because I was too busy playing Hacky Sack and eating donuts when I should’ve been watching out for catfish.” The enormity of it all hit Zing hard. She fell back into a chair, put her head in her hands and began to cry.

“I didn’t understand most of that,” Mindy said.

“Don’t worry. It’s best you don’t understand,” Miracle said. She patted Zing’s back. “No worries, honey. We’re going to fix all this. You didn’t know. None of us knew.”

“Except David who was pretending to be Dove,” Carol said. She patted Zing’s back too.

Zing decided it was too much patting and sat up. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Miracle handed her a napkin and Zing wiped her nose. She made sure not to look at what was in the napkin.

“Oh my, this is bad,” Mindy said. She shoved another whole macaroon in her mouth. She was still chewing it when she said, “What should we do?”

“Other than castrate him?” Carol said.

“We need to make sure he stops this charade and comes clean,” Miracle said.

“And just how are we going to do that?” Carol asked. She gulped down her second cup of coffee. She made a move for the carafe, but Miracle stopped her.

“I think you’ve had enough,” Miracle said gently. Carol acquiesced.

Mindy snapped her fingers. “We could use blackmail.”

“Blackmail him? How?” Carol asked.

“He is my brother-in-law.”

“Oh, right,” Miracle said.

“We tell his wife?” Carol asked.

“Not exactly. My sister loves him so much and I don’t want to hurt her,” Mindy said. “I was thinking we could blackmail him into stopping pretending to be a woman writing lesbian fiction or we’ll tell my sister. He wouldn’t want that.”

“But isn’t that worse—not telling her she is married to a bad man?” Zing asked.

Mindy furrowed her brow. “I don’t know. It’s like I’m in ethics class all over again.”

“Zing’s right,” Carol said.

“How about this. . . he tells Nell the truth, goes to Liars Anonymous, and comes clean with his readers. Then if he still wants to write fiction, he writes under his real name. That should keep him honest,” Miracle said.

“And no more borrowing profiles. He’s got to be his real self,” Carol said.

“I think he’ll go for that,” Mindy said. “Or I’ll tell my sister and
she’ll
castrate him.”

That made Carol smile.

“We’ll need some time to figure out the best way to do this,” Miracle said. “With minimal damage to Nell. This isn’t going to be fun for her.”

“Oh, poor, sweet Nell,” Zing said. She couldn’t bear the thought of her one true love hurting in any way. Zing suddenly sat up straighter. Omigod, did she really just think that? Did she really just think of Nell as her one true love?

Chapter Ten

“I can’t come up with one good way to do this,” Carol said over her shoulder to Miracle and Zing. It was the day after finding out that Dove was really David and they were all walking Mindy’s clients’ dogs. They each had spent the night thinking of how to break the news to Nell without breaking her heart. But so far
nobody had come up with anything.

Carol was walking Barry the Basset hound. She’d chosen him because of his short legs, figuring that he wouldn’t be able to walk fast. Wrong. Barry was a fast fucker.

Fritz the Wiener dog was not happy about Barry leading the pack. Fritz kept pulling at his leash trying to get ahead of Barry.

Zing was walking Fritz with her left hand. Dominic the Shih Tzu was leashed to her right hand. Initially, Zing had been very confused by the Shih Tzu. She couldn’t figure out which end of the dog was his face and which was his butt. It wasn’t until he licked her that she was able to put the leash on him.

Miracle was walking Mimi, a well-tempered chocolate lab who seemed so happy to be out and about she didn’t pull at the leash. She just looked up at Miracle like she was a goddess.

“Me either. Zing and I wracked our brains last night while we watched Jeopardy. We figured that show might stimulate the little gray cells,” Miracle said. She sighed heavily and shook her head. “All it did was make me feel stupider.”

“I’m afraid Nell isn’t going to believe us, and she’ll get really mad and storm off,” Zing said. “And then she’ll banish us forever,” she added. In all the years Zing had watched over her, Nell had only gotten mad twice at a friend—once for stealing her junior high girlfriend and the other for stealing money from Nell’s mother’s purse. She cut the two girls out of her life completely.

Zing had thought it rather harsh, but that’s how Nell seemed to roll. And as Annabelle had pointed out at the time, Nell had to do it or other bad people would come into her life. Well, Nell had banished those bad people, but Dove aka David had still managed to slip in the back door of the Internet.

The pack pulled the three women toward the Bark Park. It was located at the far end of the city park so they had to weave their way with the dogs through the downtown lunch crowd. All of Mindy’s clients lived in the high rise apartments on Dorset Street, which was why they needed a dog walker in the first place.

“Finally, there’s the damn dog park. So, according to your instructions we can let them off the leash once we’re inside the park’s fence?” Carol asked.

“Yes, Mindy told me that all the fur-parents signed a waiver that said it was okay,” Zing said.

The dogs strained at their leashes as their excitement grew. The women flew behind them. Carol and Barry the Basset hound got to the Bark Park’s gate first. There was much yipping and barking. Carol opened the gate and closed it after the rest of them got in.

They unleashed the dogs and watched them take off in a cloud of dust and fur.

Pure dog happiness ensued with leaping, barking, butt sniffing, and tail wagging. “I’m glad we shake hands or hug when we greet people and don’t have to sniff butts to say hello,” Zing said.

“You and me both,” Carol said.

The three women sat on a bench and watched the dogs frolic. Carol and Miracle held hands. Zing wished that she had somebody to hold hands with. No, wait, erase that. Zing wished she had Nell’s hand to hold.

She was starting to really like being human. It was a lot of fun. There were some down moments, too, of course. Like the time she stubbed her toe. Or the time she had a sugar crash. Even brain freezes weren’t so good. But no matter how many bad times there were, it didn’t dampen the good times.

Zing inhaled deeply. The cherry trees around the park were in full bloom. The grass was a vibrant green and the air was filled with the scent of lilacs. On the other side of the fence, a family spread out a checkered blanket and set a wicker basket in the middle. The woman pulled out sandwiches and other treats. The father plucked a blade of grass and tickled the little girl who squealed with delight.

Zing had a
Eureka
moment. What if they had a picnic and invited Mindy and her brother-in-law? Then Nell could meet them both and there would be no denying the facts. And, of course, Zing, Carol, and Miracle would be there to pick up the pieces when everything hit the fan.

“We should have a picnic,” Zing said.

“I don’t think having a picnic right now is going to help us solve the Nell-Dove-David problem,” Carol said. She looked over at Fritz. “Should we be letting him do that?” He was attempting to mount a standard poodle who was blatantly ignoring him.

“Small male dogs love big women,” Miracle said.

“They’re not the only ones,” Carol said with a naughty twinkle in her eye.

Miracle giggled.

“What about the picnic?” Zing asked.

“How about when we get everything sorted out then we have your picnic,” Carol said.

“No, I meant have a picnic as a way of telling Nell about Dove,” Zing said.

“Oh honey, that’s a brilliant idea,” Miracle said.

“I still don’t see…” Carol said.

Miracle interrupted her. “Just listen, honey. We invite Nell, Mindy, and Dove to come to the picnic shindig. Then once Nell meets Mindy we bring out David who confesses the whole thing.”

Carol opened her mouth like she was about to protest and then closed it. She appeared to ponder the idea. “Well, that would be better than us just coldly telling her.”

“Can we eat the sandwiches first?” Zing asked.

“Is that all you ever think about, your stomach?” Carol asked.

Zing pondered this. “No, I do think about other things. I think about Nell and her broken heart. I think about you and Miracle falling in love. And I think about world peace sometimes, too.”

“That’s so sweet,” Miracle said. She raised Carol’s hand to her lips and kissed it.

Carol blushed, but didn’t take her hand away. “Okay, tomorrow we arrange the picnic for one o’clock. It’s Saturday so Zing won’t be dog walking, and we’ll make sure Mindy makes David text Nell and invite her to meet him.”

“Tomorrow, Operation Reveal Dove,” Zing said.

***

The next morning Nell danced around the bakery. Ever since she had gotten the text from Dove asking her to meet her at the picnic, Nell had been delirious with happiness. She hummed. She sang off-key. She hugged Carol. She twirled Zing. Then she danced with Carol, who moved as stiffly as if she was wearing a new pair of jeans. “What’s the matter? Aren’t you happy for me?”

“Not really.”

Nell continued dancing. “Why not? I finally get to meet Dove, in the flesh, and she wants to meet my friends. This means we’re actually dating in real life.” Nell suddenly stopped moving. “I wonder why she doesn’t want to meet me alone? I mean, it is the first time and all.”

“Maybe she’s shy,” Zing suggested.

They were saved by the bell, literally. The first customer of the day entered the bakery. Saturday was always their busiest day and for once Zing was glad. It would keep her mind off the picnic scheduled for one o’clock that afternoon.

One thing Zing had noticed was that, for humans, time was very malleable. Sometimes it passed slowly and other times, like this morning, it zipped by before you knew it. When Carol brought out more trays of warm glazed donuts, she didn’t even complain about people not liking chocolate éclairs better. She looked disturbed. Disturbed enough that she forgot to be cranky. The gravity of what they were about to do hit home. Zing became increasingly disturbed as well. What if Nell ended up hating Zing? After all, it was human nature to shoot the messenger, right?

Closing time came much too quickly. Nell had already left so she could go home and get pretty. Carol and Zing were going to Miracle’s to shower, change, and pack the picnic basket.

“This will be your first shower at your new house,” Zing said as they locked up the bakery.

“What’re you talking about?” Carol said.

“You’ll be moving in soon. You like Miracle’s house and you live in an apartment. It only makes sense.”

“Whoa, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. I’m not doing anything of the sort. I’m getting cleaned up at Miracle’s because it’s more convenient than my going home and coming all the way back into town.”

They walked to Carol’s car in silence. Carol drove a very unsafe car. It was a red Mustang Cobra with white racing strips. Zing didn’t think a car named after a deadly snake was a good idea. Nell called it a “ticket magnet.”

“Miracle bought brand new sheets and new dish towels for the kitchen,” Zing said, getting in the car.

Carol did not comment. She started the car and burned rubber out of the parking lot.

“Are you angry?” Zing asked, holding on to the dashboard.

“Nope. Why?”

“You drive like you’re angry. All black smoke, squealing tires, and going fast.”

“I drive like that all the time. What’s the use of having a fast car if it doesn’t go fast?” Carol said, careening the car around a corner on two wheels.

***

“How’d you like that new goat’s milk honey with lemongrass and cucumber poppy seed I got?” Miracle asked as she and Zing made pastrami and rye sandwiches. They had just finished making turkey and Swiss on sourdough, and ham and sharp cheddar on wheat.

“Is that a kind of sandwich?” Carol asked. She winked at Zing who noted that Miracle had failed to mention that it was soap she was talking about.

“No, silly, I meant the new soap,” Miracle said, playfully swatting Carol’s bottom.

“I’ve never smelled anything like it,” Carol said. She studied the kitchen counter. “I don’t think we’ve made enough different kinds of sandwiches.”

Zing looked up from mustard-swiping and her eyes widened. She had never seen Carol tease anyone. If she didn’t know better, she’d think Carol was on drugs.

“Wait’ll you see the salads. I got four different kinds,” Miracle said.

“Four?” Carol asked.

Miracle shrugged. “I come from a long line of big, Texas women who think every problem can be solved with food. It’s in my genes.”

Zing sneaked up behind Carol, leaned in close, and gave her a good sniff.

Carol turned and batted Zing away. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I used the lavender and rosemary soap. I wondered if you smelled as good as me,” Zing said, sniffing her own arm. “Miracle told me she sniffed large amounts of soap until she found one she thought you’d like.”

“Oh, don’t exaggerate, Zing,” Miracle said, downplaying it. “I just shopped around a bit.”

“I’m sure you needed soap anyway,” Carol replied.

“Nope. We didn’t,” Zing said. “She did it all for you.”

Carol and Miracle ignored her. “Shall I pack the cooler now?” Carol asked. She and Zing had stopped at Whole Foods and gotten sodas, water, and juice. “We are not doing alcohol,” Carol told her. “That’s asking for a disaster.”

Zing agreed. When Miracle was depressed over Rita the Meter Maid, she drank wine and got all sad. Nell was already going to be sad. She wouldn’t need additional assistance from a bottle.

“I got two bags of ice this morning,” Miracle said. She pointed at the stand-up freezer.

Carol was tentative. “Last time I looked in there I almost got buried in an avalanche. It took you three days to dig me out. It was like the Donner Party.”

Miracle laughed. “I’ve cleaned the freezer out. All you’ll find is—”

“Ice cream,” Zing interjected.

“And some frozen fruit.”

“That we put on ice cream,” Zing added.

Carol opened the freezer. It looked more well-stocked than the ice cream section in the grocery store. “This is like a wine collection.”

“No, it’s not. Ice cream tastes better,” Zing said.

Carol pulled out the two ice bags and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cake My Day. “I think I need, I think
we
need, to eat this right now. For courage.”

***

Nell was already at the park. She had shown up an hour early and was now nervously pacing back and forth. She was having a conversation with Homeless Tom. Actually, Nell was doing all the talking and Tom was doing all the listening. He sat on his customary bench eating donuts as she paced back and forth along the edge of the duck pond. He didn’t know if Nell was talking to him or to herself, so he refrained from saying anything.

He looked up when Carol, Miracle, and Zing approached. They spotted Nell and watched her pace for a whole minute without her knowing.

“What the hell is she babbling about?” Carol asked.

“Methinks she is terrified. I wish I could stay for the picnic,” Tom said, staring wistfully at the picnic basket. “But, alas, duty calls.”

“We have plenty of sandwiches,” Zing said, setting the picnic basket on the bench beside him. “You should take some with you.”

“Well, if you’re sure you have enough,” Tom said. He started to stand, but Miracle laid her hand on his shoulder, stopping him.