Binarius (11 page)

“
It is. In fact, I’m growing tired
of it. When I met Bricius…well, I was in a really bad place. The
only way out was him. So I made a desperate decision. I try on a
daily basis to convince myself that I made the right choice. Of
course, if I hadn’t…well, I’d probably be dead.”

“
Why?”

“
Did your Uncle tell you where we
met?”

“
No, he doesn’t tell me anything.
Isn’t that apparent?”

“
Right. He was sent to Castle
Blacken on Aldithenih commands….”

Firinne just stared at her. “No…you
were at Castle Blacken?”

Etheldra nodded. “Like I said,
fight or flight.”

“
I don’t understand how they
justify the atrocities that happen at that place. I mean, everyone
hears the stories…of what the Desideriums are permitted to
do.”

“
Like I said…I’m not like
them.”

Firinne was fuming as the pieces
added up in her head. “And so what, my Uncle made a deal with the
lords because he fancied you?”

“
Basically.”

“
Typical…I’m sorry you went
through that.”

Etheldra shrugged. “Don’t be. I
don’t blame you and contrary to my moaning about life, I am better
off here than I was there.”

“
But Bricius is my blood, it’s
personal. I almost feel responsible.” Firinne was
ashamed.

“
Sometimes, blood isn’t as thick
as we think.”

“
I suppose…”

“
So, I’ve opened up a bit about
myself. Now, will you please tell me how Mabon chose you?” she
smiled enthusiastically; almost like a child.

“
Well, it was actually a Hum that
led me to him. I was just walking, trying to find Archen Castle.
This little Hum was persistent. So eventually, I gave up and
followed his commands. He led me to an open meadow, and there was
Mabon. I was so shocked at first. I didn’t know what to
do.”

“
That’s amazing! So it was as if
the Hum and Mabon were talking to one another?”

“
Yeah, something like
that.”

“
So how did you know that you
could approach Mabon? I’m sorry. I’ve never spent time in the
forest. Never had the chance. It intrigues me. I hope you don’t
mind all of my questions.”

“
No, it’s fine. It was actually
really amazing, even to me. He bowed himself to me and then grunted
a bit at me when I took too long to come to him.” Firinne
smiled.

“
Incredible! I’ve never heard of
anything like that before. You’re…blessed.”

“
Thank you.”

“
So, what are you plans now? I
must confess that Bricius told me why you came here. I’m so sorry
about your Queendom…and your family.”

Firinne nodded. “I honestly don’t
know. I thought about barging into the Order and demanding that
they listen to me…but they are all so corrupt now. I kind of feel
like I am on my own in this.”

“
I’m so sorry. I wish there was
something I could do. I will keep you in mind. Maybe I will think
of something.”

“
Thanks, I appreciate it. So what
about you? Do you intend on being a faithful Aldithenian till
death?” She nudged Etheldra with her elbow, playfully.

“
No, I don’t think so. I honestly
can’t stand any of it. Sometimes I go to bed with an ache in my
stomach. All this pretending is turning my stomach sour. I feel
like I’m suffocating a bit. I’ve been locked up in Castle Blacken
since I was 25. I’ve been free of that since Bricius, and now I’m
locked up with him. I don’t belong here, but I’m also afraid of
being on my own. I don’t even know where I would go.”

“
You don’t have any
family?”

“
No, the Mist took my father and
my mother.” She added “In two different ways.”

“
That’s awful, but, I don’t
believe anyone should stay somewhere they’re unhappy. As for where
you would go…I would offer you my home but,
well…y’know.”

“
That’s sweet of you, I’m sure in
time, something will present itself…it will for you as
well.”

Firinne smiled at her. It was nice
to have a somewhat human conversation with someone. It made her
miss her Mum. “It was nice to get to know you a bit. I’ve got to
take care of something, but I will see you at evening’s feast,
yes?”

“
Of course.”

“
See you then.”

She was in the corner of her room,
hugging her knees into her chest. It was all finally catching up to
her. She was alone in the depths of her uncertainties. She needed
her mother — no, she needed him. She needed him the way he used to
be. She needed his strong arms around her. She needed his gaze that
put her heart at peace. The kisses that made her dissolve. She
hated him — she longed for him. She was stupid for wanting him —
needing him. She was alone. He had left her…alone.

She looked up, in the way that
someone would if someone else had intruded upon a private time of
sorrow. Her fingers spread out across the sides of her skull —
grabbing fistfuls of hair. She screamed. It was an angry scream. A
scream meant for a kill. It scraped at the barren walls until it
finally turned into sobs. Deep, belly sobs — the ones that lurch at
you from within, determined to empty you. Wail after wail, she
rocked back and forth, back and forth. She didn’t want to stop, not
really. Part of her just wanted to empty herself into the air.
Maybe she would be carried out of the window, on a breeze, far away
from the burden of breath. She started hyperventilating. Tears
pouring down her face — they may as well have been a pool of her
own blood. She smacked the walls next to her, stopped breathing,
and slowly started again. In, out. Slow, deep breaths. Pulled from
her gut.

Calm.

She got up and walked over to the
mirror. She dragged the tears away from her face. It was blotched
with red. She tied her hair back and saw through the mirror the
glint of something from under the bed. The books! She had forgotten
all about the books.

There was a blanket on the chair.
She grabbed it, sat on the bed and wrapped herself up in it. She
stacked the books in front of her on the bed. She opened the book
that was at the bottom of the stack; the most guarded. This book
had to have something to do with krystallis and since she was one,
it was smart to start firstly with the book she would know more
about. The words were back, as was the ink drawing. She turned the
page only to find one thing: Seek the old ones. Beneath it was a
map that spread across two pages and indicated Firinne’s exact
location. There was an ink path that showed where Firinne should
travel — it cut through part of the Sacral Woods where she had
traveled through to get to Archen Castle. Firinne thought that it
was interesting that the map was showing her the safest route to
take in order to avoid Desiderium capture. After the forest, she
was to travel north, across the river and past the ruins of
someplace she had never heard of before. After that, the mountains
were North-West. The map was careful to avoid the open moors which
provided almost no shelter, as well as Castle Blacken; on the
eastern coast.

Firinne was dazing at the map,
almost blankly — looking through it rather than at it. The map made
it seem all so simple. All she had to do was follow that little
inky path to the mountains — simple. But were any of the old ones
still alive? Could she do this on her own? She had never traveled
past the river, and she had never been on her own. If she didn’t
go, her Mum would be rotting in that dungeon forever, or worse,
killed. So really, there wasn’t much use in questioning any of
this. She had to do this, whether she thought she could or
not.

After what had happened with Ednas,
Firinne realized that these books were on her side. She understood
now that they guarded a secret. They only showed her what she was
meant to see — their contents vanishing in the midst of evil. They
would only reveal their secrets to her, and also perhaps to the old
ones — if the old ones were still alive, Firinne hoped they were.
She resolved herself that there was no other way. There was no one
else she had or could trust. She had to do this, even if she had to
die in the endeavor.

She decided that she would spend
the rest of the day preparing, and possibly stealing things that
she may need; after all, Archen was well supplied by the lords at
Castle Blacken, and therefore she would feel little guilt. One more
evening’s feast, she thought. She was terrified to leave this place
and desperate to be rid of its hypocrisy. Not being in a chamber,
doors away from Ednas was a relief as well. She stashed the books
in-between the wooden planks of the bed frame, and the mattress.
She grabbed her satchel. The best place to start was probably the
kitchens, so she headed that way.

There were three doors in the
kitchen corridor. One door was the pantry where preserved foods,
grain, and bread were stored. The Second door held the meat from
the butcher. The third door led to the kitchen. Firinne had been
standing behind the wall leading to the kitchens, watching the
activity. She needed to know, roughly, how often someone from the
kitchens left to get something from the pantry or the butcher room.
Luckily, it was midday, so the activity was relatively minimal. So
far, only one person had come out to retrieve a small loaf of
bread. From Firinne’s angle, she could tell the pantry was full —
which was good because they wouldn’t miss much.

Quickly, Firinne moved down the
corridor and into the pantry. The shelves were stuffed full with
fruit preserves, loaves of fresh bread, potatoes, grains; there was
no hunger in this place. She thought fast — bread, jerky, apples,
and a sack of almonds. She stuffed everything hastily into her
satchel, out of the pantry, and down the corridor before anyone
knew it. She felt reckless. She also felt a little bit alive. She
smiled smugly back to her chambers, where she stuffed the food in
the open space between the floor, and the bottom drawer of the
wardrobe.

This was her last feast. By early
morning, she would rid herself of this place. As she entered the
room, she bowed her head momentarily in respect of the King and
Queen. The faces at the table were the same judgmental strangers,
but their faces were more familiar to her now than Firinne liked.
Etheldra was sitting where she always sits — next to Bricius. Her
Uncle barely acknowledged her — Firinne didn’t really care anymore.
Etheldra smiled fondly at her.

King Gryndon was discussing his
latest hunting trip with various people around the table. They
craved the kill and the power of slaying innocent creatures.
Gryndon was reenacting how he straddled a deer — making stabbing
motions with his fist. Everyone laughed, except for Firinne and
Etheldra. Firinne told herself that she couldn’t afford to lose her
appetite now. She needed to eat as much as she could before she set
out the next day. While she had managed to take more than she had
hoped in provisions, the journey ahead of her was long, and it
wouldn’t be enough to sustain her.

The women in the kitchens had
outdone themselves. There were platters upon platters of food.
Firinne filled her plate with a turkey leg, creamed spinach, wild
rice, and ginger glazed ham. She wondered how her meal was killed.
Was it violent? Did the animal screech as it was slain? Again, she
fought the churning in her stomach. It helped that everything
tasted wonderful, and because Archen was provided with untainted
food, she could feel the spectralin being nourished within her.
Silently, she gave thanks to the animals.

Etheldra was on her second glass of
blood. She watched as Etheldra almost spilled after knocking her
glass into one of the platters. Etheldra giggled. People around the
table were beginning to glance, nervously at Etheldra — whispering
things to themselves back and forth. But Etheldra wasn’t so far
gone that she wasn’t paying attention.

“
Is there something you would like
to say to me?” her speech was sluggish and presumptuous.

One of the women replied “Oh, no
dear we were just discussing how beautiful your dress is. Is that
satin?”

“
Don’t try to deceive me. I’ve
known enough of your kind to know that your whispers are anything
but good natured.”

“
I’m not sure I understand what
you mean” the woman rolled her eyes, and turned back to her
partner.

“
Oh, of course not! You, people,
are ridiculous. You claim to be so righteous, but that could not be
further from the truth. I’ve played along to your tune and
I—

Bricius interrupted. “Etheldra,
perhaps you should retire to your chambers”

“
Oh, you would love that wouldn’t
you? For me to continue to keep quiet all because you rescued me.
No, I have had enough of it. I can’t take any more of this shit!
You are not Gods!”

Everyone around the room gasped,
and then fell silent.

“
It would be wise to watch your
tongue in front of your King” interjected Dorrin.

“
So the Queen doesn’t mind it
then? Just the King?”

“
How dare you!” Dorrin was now
standing. Almost instinctually the King put his hand up as if
asking for a pause.