Bingo (42 page)

Goodyear lay under Mom’s feet. Lolly crawled on her belly under the table until she touched noses with her dad. Pewter, even before the game started, prowled up and down our table in search of tidbits. No flies on Pewter. She knew the BonBons were loaded with food and the children couldn’t resist her. Her purrs were deafening until Mutzi took over the microphone.

“Pot’s already seven thousand and twenty dollars!” He placed the .38 beside him if for no other reason than to irritate Bucky. The money was on the Ping-Pong ball table. The glass Ping-Pong ball machine, lid off, sat on top of the table and the money was next to it. Mutzi showed us the pot to whet our appetites. “Now you regulars know the rules, but for you newcomers, welcome to Saint Rose of Lima’s Friday night bingo. Here’s how blackout bingo works. In order to win you must black out
all
twenty-five numbers on one of your four cards.” He held up a sheet which demonstrated the concept. “Naturally, this game can take some time but we’ve got plenty of that. Are you ready!”

We shouted in unison, “Yes!”

“Okey dokey, smokey.” He turned on the Ping-Pong ball machine and snatched the first ball. “Number twenty-nine, number twenty-nine, to win is divine.”

Ed dabbed twenty-nine. We each examined our cards nervously. I was surprised, delighted, at Aunt Wheezie’s behavior. Granted she was being ooey-gooey to Ed Tutweiler Walters, but she wasn’t snarling or attacking Mom with her dab-a-dot. In fact, she was almost ooey-gooey to Mom.

“One. The number one will give you fun.” Mutzi’s voice betrayed his own excitement.

Verna played three sheets. She paid twenty dollars apiece for those sheets and when you figure in the children, the BonBons had invested a lot of money in this bingo game. I could see Diz on the other side of Wheezie. He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. It occurred to me that Diz had probably never been to a bingo parlor. Michelle was bent over her card in total concentration. Roger wasn’t looking up either.

“Fifty-eight, fifty-eight, win this card and be my date,” Mutzi sang out.

Forty numbers must have been called. My sheet had dots sprinkled over it but so far I was nowhere close to winning.

Ed’s card showed promise and Mother’s, too, but Mom was generally lucky in cards and games. Mutzi, to celebrate the blackout bingo game, wore a green Day-Glo string tie. Even Peepbean was dressed better than usual. He’d changed from his painter’s pants into chinos. Goodyear began to snore under the table and Mom gave him a light shove with her toe. The dog grunted and stopped. I heard Lolly’s tail thump. She was happy about something. I ducked my head under the table and saw the reason: Decca BonBon was feeding her part of her hot dog and Verna was too engrossed in the game to notice. As no one had fussed over Mom and Ed, I guessed that no announcement had been forthcoming as to their intentions. The BonBons knew; Orrie, Mr. Pierre, and I knew, which is to say that everyone in the room knew but had been told to keep it a secret. They were probably wondering, would Juts spill the beans tonight?

“Two, the number two. ‘Tea for two and two for tea, me for you and you for me.’ ” Mutzi would have continued except the deafening silence of the hall, bursting to the seams with people, warned him that everyone wanted to get on with the game.

“Got it!” Wheezie smacked down her dab-a-dot, leaving a clear blue circle. She leaned over Diz’s chest. “Nickie, I have to powder my nose. Will you play my card?”

“Okay,” I whispered.

Diz slid the card over to me and Wheezie hurried to the ladies’ room. It must be killing her to miss even a second of this game.

“Give me thirty, give me thirty, I want to see children clean and never dirty.” Mutzi swayed at the microphone.

The lights cut out. We were plunged into darkness. You can always tell the hypochondriac in the room because Sister BonBon shouted, “My eyes! What’s happened to my eyes!”

Mutzi spoke clearly into the mike. “Just a minute, folks. Don’t lose your place. We’ll have light restored in a second. Peepbean. See to it, will you?”

True to his word, within a minute or two the lights came on.

A furious Wheezie sputtered as she stumbled out of the ladies’ room. “What’s the big idea? You pulling a fast one, Mutzi?”

“Now, Wheezie, you know I wouldn’t do something like that to you.”

Wheeze glowered at him and scurried back to our table. She leaned over Mom. “I’ll get you for that, Julia!”

“Can it, Wheezie. Every time something goes wrong I am not behind it.”

“Let there be light,” Mutzi jovially said, then remembered Father Christopolous was in the room, and coughed. “Ready, steady, go.” The Ping-Pong balls bounced upward again. “Twenty-three, twenty-three, Wheezie had to—hmmm, let me see.”

At that the room roared with laughter and Aunt Wheeze bent her head over her card. She glowed crimson.

“Okay, seven, lucky seven and—Hey.” Mutzi’s voice trembled as he plucked a ball out of the machine. “Hey, is this a joke? The money’s gone!”

Peepbean hustled over and inspected the table.

“You see anything?” Mutzi’s Adam’s apple spiraled upward.

“Nope. Gone.”

Millard joined Peepbean. This was a family affair. They got under the table. Nothing.

Mutzi fought for control over himself. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to have to suspend play until we find the pot.”

Bucky, the big cheese, sashayed up there. He, too, looked around. David Wheeler stayed in his seat. Damned if he’d help Bucky until asked, and Bucky would never ask.

Bucky pushed Mutzi aside and boomed into the microphone so that it squawked: “Don’t nobody move! I will inspect every purse and every pocket and go over this place with a fine-tooth comb. Peepbean, you’re my deputy for the night.”

Peepbean, no fan of Bucky’s, did what he was told.

Bucky started at one end of the tables and Peepbean at the other. Michell, quick-thinking, was writing down everything in sequence as it happened.

“You freelancing, Michelle?” I asked.

“This might be a good story.”

“I’ll buy it.” Diz smiled but he cast his eyes about the room, sweeping, searching.

Aunt Wheezie clutched her heart. “My angina.”

“Oh, Aunt Wheezie, not now,” I moaned.

Diz put his arm around her. “Let me help you.”

He rose to help her up and she wobbled to her feet with his assistance. Mom leapt up and got on the other side of her. “Come on.”

“Sit down!” Bucky bellowed.

Diz, with authority, replied, “She’s sick, Bucky.”

“I don’t care. Nobody moves.”

Aunt Wheeze swooned. Ed rose to help Mom and Diz. He tried to take Wheezie’s pocketbook off her arm. She held it closer.

“She sleeps with her pocketbook, Ed. In fact she has the first dollar she ever made.”

“I hate you!” Louise hissed at Julia.

“You’re ill, Mrs. Trumbull.” Diz was polite.

“I’m sick of
her
is what I am.” Wheezie began to revive quite miraculously from her angina attack.

“I told you all to sit down.” Bucky’s face darkened.

“Goddammit, Nordness, we’ve got to call an ambulance.” David Wheeler, fed up, mixed into it.

“You stay south of the line, you dumb redneck. You’re in Pennsylvania now and you’ll do as I say.”

As these two bitched at each other, Diz, Ed, and Mom helped Wheezie over to the door to fresh air. I walked over to help too.

“Sit down, Nickel!” Bucky shouted at me.

I quite forgot myself. “Fuck off, Nordness!”

A few people clapped. Others snickered. When my head was
turned to yell at Bucky, Louise dashed out the door. Mutzi saw her first. He picked up the .38 and fired a warning.

“
Louise!
” Mutzi shouted as he discharged the gun.

Goodyear howled, screamed, warbled the most godawful sounds, and then flopped down.

“The dog’s been shot!” Michelle screamed. She crawled under the table to revive Goodyear, whose tail was already wagging.

“Shot!” The word was repeated at faraway tables where people couldn’t see Goodyear.

Lolly started barking. Mutzi fired again. Then asshole Bucky pulled his revolver and peppered the ceiling. It did not quell the panic; it agitated it. People burnt the wind getting out of there. Tables were knocked over and the last I saw of Pewter, she charged over debris and leapt over chairs.

Mutzi, still at the mike, hollered, “Mayday! Mayday!”

Verna shouted back, “Of course, it’s a May day, you silly twit.”

That was all I saw inside because I was running as fast as I could to get into the Square. I had to find Aunt Louise before anyone else did, most notably Bucky Nordness.

Someone was running with me neck and neck. To my amazement, it was Mother. Right on my heels were Mr. Pierre, Diz, and then David Wheeler, who edged past us. Unfortunately, Bucky used the parking lot exit and as we spilled into the Square he came around the side of Saint Rose’s, his revolver pulled, firing into the air.

Aunt Louise had reached the cannon. I could see her breathing was labored, and with an afterburner burst of speed I pulled away from the others and drew closer to my aunt, whose face was dangerously mottled.

“Stop or I’ll shoot!” Bucky ordered.

I twisted my head and witnessed the gun leveled straight at me. I didn’t stop.

Mother ran between me and the line of fire. She was waving her arms like a crazy woman. “Don’t shoot! You’ll kill the baby!”

Wheezie, collapsed against the cannon, crabbed at Julia: “She’s not a baby. She’s forty-two years old.”

“She’s going to have a baby,” my mother screamed at the top of her lungs. She was still waving her arms as Bucky advanced upon us both.

“What?” Numb with shock, Louise dropped her purse, and the bingo money fell out of it.

Bucky caught up with us and started to put Louise in handcuffs. Lolly sprang at him and bit him in the leg right about the same time that David Wheeler tackled him around the waist. Goodyear streaked across the Square toward Mom. Mr. Pierre and Diz reached Louise. Diz picked up the money and stuffed it in his pockets as he mumbled to Louise, “Keep your mouth shut.”

“Is that how your family got rich?” Louise was just plain outrageous. What had gotten into her? She swooned for an instant.

“I’m going to say I stole it. Now shut up, Mrs. Trumbull,” Diz commanded. “I realize this will be difficult for you.”

I started to laugh. Mother was taking Louise’s pulse and Ed was fanning her with his handkerchief.

“Why’d you do such a fool thing?” Mother growled to her sister.

Ursula Yost, nailed to the spot, had her hand covering her mouth. She appeared to be in shock at the disclosure of my pregnancy. Shock would soon turn to righteous indignation.

By now Mutzi was with us, too, as was most of Runnymede. The grunts and groans of Wheeler versus Nordness were frightening. I pulled Lolly away because she was going to bite Bucky again. Goodyear was eyeing his other leg.

“Why’d you steal that money?” Mother wouldn’t let up on Wheezie, who was enjoying, the tiniest bit too much, the attentions from Ed, Mr. Pierre, and Diz. She was oblivious to the situation she had created.

“I wanted a face lift.”

“Why?” I dragged Lolly back to her side.

“Because Ed wouldn’t’ve fallen in love with Julia except she’s younger.”

“Huh?” Ed was puzzled. “You told me she was your older sister.”

“Well—I—” Wheezie blushed. She didn’t mind stealing the money; she minded getting caught in the fib.

The fight between David and Bucky escalated. None of the men dared separate them, and they were doing each other bodily harm.

Mutzi fished out the wick on the cannon. “Diz, jam the ball down the cannon muzzle.”

Diz, next to the cannon balls, heaved one up and set it on the lip of the muzzle. With a shove it rolled into the barrel. Diz Rife was having the time of his life.

“Got a ramrod of some kind?” Mr. Pierre asked.

Wordlessly, an umbrella was passed over to Diz. We never did see where it came from. Diz wiggled the umbrella around. “Best I can do.”

Mr. Pierre lit a match. “Stand back.”

Everyone jumped out of the way except for David and Bucky but it didn’t matter because they were rolling around on the ground. Mr. Pierre touched the match to the wick and within seconds a tongue of flame unfurled from the mouth of the cannon, followed by a roar. Michelle put her hands to her ears. A crash of glass and splintering of wood greeted our ears. Falkenroth, Spangler & Finster again. The cannon produced the desired effect. It broke up Bucky and David. They scrambled to their feet.

As they did so, David adroitly shoved Bucky over the Mason-Dixon Line. “Stay on your side, asswipe!”

Lip bloodied, police shirt ripped, Bucky swayed on his feet, trying to decide what to do. He warned, “I’ll get you, Wheeler, just you wait.” Then he wiped his mouth and saw the blood on his shirt.

A moment of quiet followed this pandemonium. Aunt Wheezie abbreviated the silence as she said to me: “Are you really pregnant?”

“Yes.” I spoke as loudly as I could under the circumstances.

“In that case I want my car back! And I’m not refunding any of the money. Our family has been through this before and—”

“Shut up, Louise!” Mother said.

At that Goodyear howled, screamed, and flopped over dead again. The dog twitched with happiness at being able to perform his trick twice in one night.

Aunt Wheeze observed this in horror. “What’s wrong with the dog?”

“Nothing,” Mother lied.

“Don’t take me for a fool, Julia. That dog does that on purpose.” She walked over to Goodyear, who hadn’t gotten back on his feet again. “Louise.” She enunciated perfectly.

Goodyear, since he was already on the ground, couldn’t fall down, so he howled and rolled over. The bystanders, caught between laughter and shock at everything that was going on, put their hands to their mouths. This was not lost on my aunt.

“Julia, does everyone know about this?” Her face was empurpled.

“Well—” Mother waffled.

“You don’t have much room to be superior. I don’t think this is funny. I don’t think you’re funny. You’re a rotten mother but then what could anyone expect? You never gave birth. You don’t know what real mothering is about. You took in this bastard here.” She pointed directly at me. “And now she’s an unwed mother too. More little bastards!”