Bitter Wild (15 page)

Casey
shook her head. “He died protecting me.”

Jack
nodded. “Yes, and you feel guilty because you lived and he didn’t. That’s
perfectly natural, honey. It’s called survivor’s guilt. You aren’t the only
person who’s had to deal with it. My first partner was a year shy of retirement
when I was assigned to him. He was good, and he taught me a lot. But then a
bust went bad and we got caught in a firefight the likes of which I still have
never experienced since. He took a bullet to the head and I walked away without
a single scratch. It took me years to fully come to terms with the guilt I
felt. He left behind a wife, three kids and two grandchildren. I didn’t have
anyone who would miss me. It didn’t seem right.

“I
finally figured out that right and wrong had nothing to do with it. He died and
I lived. Call it fate or divine intervention or just plain luck. Whatever the
reason, it was a fact and I had to accept it and go on with my life. You’ve got
to do the same thing. If you don’t, the guilt will eat you up inside until you
can’t function any longer.”

Casey
wanted to tell him that she didn’t need him to psychoanalyze her, but she knew
he was right. The psychologist who’d spoken to her soon after she woke in the
hospital had told her much the same thing. Knowing something rationally and
putting it into practice weren’t the same thing, though. She was hoping that
coming back into the woods was the first step toward reaching the acceptance
she knew she had to find.

“I
hadn’t been back into these woods until the day I led you in.”

Jack
frowned at her. “What?”

“I
tried a couple of times, but I couldn’t overcome the fear. Every time I’d get
near the trees I’d remember the screams and the pain and I’d run the other way.
When Stan called that morning, I was determined to tell him no. John was
furious that he’d even asked. But Stan wouldn’t let it drop. He insisted that I
could do it, that I had to do it. He all but demanded that I come down to the
station to at least hear him out.

“It was
you who convinced me that he was right. You forced me to accept that Jester
might somehow survive and if he did, he’d certainly kill again. I couldn’t just
stand by and let that happen. I agreed because it was the only way to protect
all the people Jester might potentially kill. I did it for the people he’d
already killed. For Millie. But most of all I did it for myself. Because I knew
it was past time that I faced my fears and took back my life.”

Jack
didn’t know whether to be angry that they hadn’t told him the truth or awed
over the seeming ease with which she’d dealt with her fear. Looking back, he
had no trouble seeing the evidence of her anxiety. He also suspected that if
he’d been told all the details of the situation, he would have jumped to some
bad conclusions. He wouldn’t have trusted her to hold up under the pressure.
He’d have insisted that she wasn’t capable of doing the job and he’d have been
wrong.

“I’m
glad you’ve crossed that line. It would be a shame for your skills to be lost
to something as pointless as misplaced guilt.”

“I
still feel guilty. I think I always will. But at least I’m able to see the
light at the end of the tunnel.”

Jack
wanted to ask her if John was that light. Was he the man who’d helped her deal
with her grief? Had he made her want to live again? Now that he knew the truth,
Jack could almost understand why John was so cautious with her. She was still
grieving for a man she obviously believed had been the love of her life. No
doubt John and Casey both felt it would be wise to go slowly. Jack did his best
to ignore the voice in his head that said they were wrong. Casey was too alive,
too vibrant and passionate to ever be satisfied with a long, slow courtship.
She needed someone to sweep her off her feet. Someone who would share her
passion for living. He dropped his gaze from hers as that little voice
suggested he might be that man.

Jack
steered the conversation away from personal topics after that. He was finding
that he liked talking to her too much. It was easy to forget that they weren’t
just a man and a woman who were attracted to each other. And he felt certain
the attraction was mutual. He knew it would be a mistake to give in to that
attraction. They were from two different worlds. He had no intention of leaving
his and he wouldn’t dream of taking her away from hers. Any intimate
involvement between them would just lead to a lot of grief for them both. He
might be able to keep his emotions out of it. He didn’t even begin to wonder if
she could, though. He knew the answer already. Casey wouldn’t give herself to
any man without her emotions being fully involved. She wasn’t the kind of woman
a man entertained for a night, then walked away from. She’d expect more and
Jack simply wasn’t willing to give it. So he asked her about the trail up
ahead, the weather, how she intended to pick up Jester’s trail now that the
rain and snow had obliterated it. Anything to keep her from revealing more of
her heart and soul to him. He let her laugh at him as he cautiously tasted the
rabbit once it had finished cooking. He told her about some of his more
adventuresome cases and admitted that this one was going to be at the top of
the list. He helped her get the bedrolls straightened out and then he watched
her sleep. And the whole time he kept telling himself that he was doing the
right thing.

Casey
came awake with a start. She looked around the cave, breathing a sigh of relief
when her gaze landed on Jack. He was sleeping a few feet away and she stared at
him for a while, watching the play of the firelight across his features. He
looked tired, even asleep. There were shadows beneath his eyes and he hadn’t
shaved since they’d started tracking Jester. She sat upright, reaching out to
rest her hand on Chance’s shoulders when he lifted his head to see what was
wrong. She noticed that her hand was shaking. She’d spent months dreaming about
the bear and Andy after the attack. She used to wake up screaming. She couldn’t
remember how many times John had come into her room and held her while she
cried. She knew her brother’s presence was the only thing that kept her sane
during those first dark weeks and months. She would never be able to repay him
for the sacrifices she knew he’d made to be there for her. He’d had a promising
career on the rodeo circuit but he’d left it all behind to come home and take
care of her and their parents’ ranch.

Since
the attack he’d become her rock. He’d also become her guardian. He’d wanted to
strangle Stan when the sheriff called to tell them that they needed her help.
They’d only found out about Millie a couple of hours before. And after the
confrontation with Jack, John had done everything he could to talk her out of
working with the federal agent. She knew John would be worried sick about her
out in this weather with just Jack to back her up. She was going to have to
make a point of telling him how Jack had saved her life. She didn’t know why
she wanted to defend him to her brother. She knew there was no future for her
and Jack. There was tension between them that she recognized as sexual in
nature. It had been there from the first moment their eyes met. But she wasn’t
a one night stand kind of woman and she suspected that he liked his affairs
with no strings. She couldn’t seem to help being attracted to him, though. And
she knew she was in danger of letting it go beyond simple physical awareness.

She’d
woken because she’d been dreaming about the bridge. Only this time she hadn’t
moved fast enough. The supports had gone and she’d watched Jack fall to his
death. It was just a dream, but it had shaken her to her core. Because she
couldn’t imagine trying to live with his death. She’d watched Andy die and on
the day she agreed to lead Jack and his partner into the woods she’d sworn to
herself that it would never happen again. As she watched Jack sleep, she
reiterated that vow. Jack Hall would get the chance to tell the story of his
adventure in the western woods. He’d get to return to his city and to all the
things he loved about it. He’d survive, whatever it took.

The
temperature started rising the next afternoon. By the time darkness fell, the
snow was melting fast. To Jack’s chagrin, Chance produced another rabbit around
that time. He had to admit that the meat was tasty, though he wasn’t sure if
he’d have felt that way under different circumstances. Next to the dried jerky
he’d been living on for the past days, anything would have probably tasted
spectacular. Casey dressed the animal, only teasing Jack a little when he
staunchly refused to help. He’d eat it because he was hungry and desperate.
That didn’t mean he wanted any part in skinning the fluffy little thing. He
watched her work, relieved to see that much of the weakness that had plagued
her the day before was gone. She looked tired though, as if she hadn’t slept
well. After everything she’d been through he supposed it made sense for her to
show some signs of exhaustion. He was starting to think that once this manhunt
ended he’d go to bed and not wake up for a week. He shoved away the instant
flash of heat that arrowed to his groin as he pictured climbing into that bed
with Casey. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep his thoughts from
straying into dangerous territory.

Being
stuck in the cave had left them with little to do other than talk. And talk
they had. He’d told her about his childhood. Revealing parts of his past that
he wasn’t sure he’d ever told anyone. It was crazy, but he couldn’t seem to
help telling her about his father’s untimely death and his mother’s
determination to support herself and her young son without turning to her
wealthy family. Her own parents had turned their backs on her when she insisted
on marrying a lowly cop. She’d had some money from a trust fund set up by her
grandmother, but it wasn’t anything compared to the millions her father claimed
as his assets. The supercilious old bastard had cut her off without a dime on
the day she married Jack’s father and his mother had never spoken to him again.
Jack explained how his mother’s strength and determination had inspired him to
never settle for anything less than his best. He even talked about the grief
that still clung to him more than a dozen years after his mother’s death. He
never talked about the bitter loneliness his mother’s death had spawned in him.
He hadn’t even talked about it to Skip. Looking into Casey’s magnificent gaze
seemed to free something inside him. Her eyes were filled with moisture and he
could feel her compassion and her understanding. It made him want to pull her
into his arms and kiss those tears away.

He
ached with the desire to hold her, to love her with every fiber of his being.
Jack knew he was terribly close to crossing a line he’d never even approached
before. He used every argument he could think of to warn himself away from her.
Even with all the logic, it took a supreme amount of self-control to stay on
his bedroll that night. He didn’t sleep much, though. She was too close. She
lay there, barely out of his reach. Her monster of a pet was stretched out
beside her, but Jack knew the animal was no longer a threat. Sometime during
the past days, he and the beast had made peace with each other. Watching her as
she slept, Jack couldn’t seem to stop himself from wondering what his life
might be like with her in it. It didn’t take a lot of contemplation to know
that it would never be boring. Casey would always keep him on his toes. Her
quick wit would keep him laughing and though he’d never tested it, he was
positive that her passion would fire his blood to extreme levels. And that was
the best reason of all not to step into that flame. Though it went against
everything he thought he knew about himself, Jack couldn’t shake the certainty
that one night in Casey’s arms would never be enough.

Casey
led them out of the cave the next day, despite Jack’s insistence that she was
still too weak to resume their hunt. She argued that the snow was already
nearly gone and the temperature was well above the frigid levels it had been at
only two days before. Wherever Jester had holed up, he’d certainly know that it
wasn’t safe to stay there. She was positive that he’d get moving as soon as he
could and she didn’t want him to put any more distance between them than he
already had. Jack was shocked to catch himself a breath away from telling her
that he wasn’t nearly as worried about Jester as he was about her.

The
fact was, she was right. They needed to stay on Jester’s trail. They couldn’t
risk losing him. Jack couldn’t quite believe he’d actually let himself forget
that tracking Jester had to come first. Before him. Before Casey. They had to
find Jester and stop him. So he followed her out of the cave, determined not to
dwell on the flash of remorse he felt at leaving their shelter behind. It had
nothing to do with the slight chill in the air or the slush that covered the
ground and fell out of the trees. He didn’t even truly care that leaving the
cave meant their diet would go back to jerky and protein bars. What he
regretted leaving behind was the cocoon of isolation they’d shared. In the cave
they might as well have been the only two people in the world. Outside Jack
knew they would once again become a federal agent and a guide instead of a man
and woman inching their way toward one another. He told himself it was for the
best and ignored the denial that instantly leapt into his mind.

They
traveled for most of the day before Casey finally admitted that she was too
tired to go any further. Jack’s shoulders were tight with tension as she
announced that they would stop. He’d been watching her all day and he hadn’t
missed the strain in her eyes or the constant limp as she pushed herself to go
on through the pain in her leg. His professional need to catch up to Jester had
been warring with his instinctive desire to protect Casey every step of the
way. By the time she dropped her backpack and sank onto a large rock Jack was
calling himself every vile name he could think of because he’d forced himself
to let her go this long.