Bittersweet Catastrophe (Second Chances #2.5) (13 page)

“Yes, I am, and it’s good news.” It was good news. I’d been so hung up on losing her these last few days, and finally I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The doctor hadn’t just given us a sliver of hope. He’d given us the whole damn dessert tray!

“How can you say that when he’ll be putting them at risk?” Her hand hovered over her stomach.

“Baby, please, let’s talk this through before you let your mind run rampant.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” She pointed her finger at Dr. Ramesh, who was sitting there quietly watching this all unfold. “He wants to pump me full of poison to
possibly
save my life, while putting two more lives at risk. I can’t do that, Shayne. I won’t.”

“Liberty, I do believe they are out of the woods where any major risks are concerned. Birth defects and miscarriages…those typically occur during the first trimester with chemo.” He crouched down beside her chair, appearing less threatening. “My main concern is to treat the patient as a whole, not just you, but your unborn children as well. I promise you,” he said, lowering his voice. “I wouldn’t suggest this if I didn’t think it was your best option.”

“Do you have any children, Dr. Ramesh?”

“I do.” He smiled proudly. “Two little girls.”

Liberty sat forward, so that she was eye to eye with him. “I want your opinion, not as a doctor, but as a husband and father. If your wife was in the same position as I am now, would you still think that it was the best option?”

He thought about that for a moment, mulling it over before he answered. “Yes. I would still think that it was the best option.”

She toyed with her bottom lip, chewing on it nervously, and I could literally see the wheels turning in her head. “And what if I choose to wait?”

What? Is she seriously suggesting…
“Liberty, come on now. This isn’t something we can just wait out and see what happens. We know what will happen.”

“Shayne, the babies…what if something happens…”

“This is
your
life we’re talking about here! Not theirs!”

Dr. Ramesh stepped in before I could argue any further. “If you’d like, I can give you two some time to think about this. Give it a few days and let your emotions come to terms with everything before you make any rash decisions. I know it’s a lot to handle, especially now that you have the twins to consider as well. The decision is up to you of course, but it’s best not to wait too long.”

We didn’t need time to think it over. There was only one decision to be made, and I wasn’t budging. Not this time.

I might’ve vowed to love her in sickness and in health, but I refused to sit by and watch my wife slowly slip away before my very eyes. I stared at her beautiful, sullen face, and the pleading look she gave me nearly broke me. I wanted to kiss her and shake her at the same time. Make her realize that whatever decision she made wouldn’t just affect her; it would affect all of us. She was given a second chance at life, one not many lived to see, and here she was blatantly throwing it away. How could she ask me to go along with this? It was suicide, for fuck’s sake!

Liberty remained seated with her head bowed down as the doctor collected her file, leaving the pamphlets fanned out across the desk. His hand gripped my shoulder, and he tilted his head to the side, urging me to follow him out the door. He quietly shut it behind us and released a heavy sigh. I did the same, although I couldn’t say it helped any.

“My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was pregnant with our second daughter.” He leaned his head back against the wall, letting his eyes fall shut.

My eyebrows shot up, his words catching me by surprise, and I wondered why he hadn’t mentioned this earlier.

“It’s not something I typically share with patients, but I thought it might shed some light on your current situation.” He smiled, and I forced myself to crack a smile of my own.

“Did she…” I dragged out, but I was sure he’d pick up on where I was going with this.

“Did she choose to get treatment right away?” He turned, cocking an eyebrow at me, and huffed out a laugh. “No.”

My head smacked the wall beside him with a loud thud. That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d been hoping for.

“I did everything I could to convince her not to wait, but like your wife sitting in there, she’s a strong-minded woman, set in her ways. Some men might see that as a flaw, but me…it was one of the reasons I married her.” He chuckled softly. “The other being that she has one of the biggest hearts of any woman I’ve ever known and constantly puts others before herself. I swear, the woman doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body.”

“Sounds like someone I know.” I grinned. “I assume everything worked out on your end.”

He nodded. “Nina was one of the lucky ones. She was diagnosed early on, and her doctors kept a close watch on her condition. She ended up having a scheduled C-section eight weeks early and a double mastectomy immediately following that. It was a long, agonizing road, and watching her suffer through the treatments gutted me, but I have to count my blessings. I still have my beautiful wife and a healthy, rambunctious daughter to keep me on my toes.” The smile on his face grew wider, giving me hope.

“Some days, I wonder what would have happened if she’d just gotten the treatment over with before Akira was born, but I’d be lying if I said waking up every morning to see the joyous smile on my daughter’s face didn’t solidify that my wife had made the right choice. I couldn’t imagine not having either one of them in my life. I can’t say it’s the right choice for everyone, and I understand where Liberty is coming from. Believe me, I do. There are too many ‘what ifs’ when there’s another life – or in your case, two – involved.”

He pushed himself off the wall just as a nurse came over to let him know his next appointment was ready. Shaking his hand, I thanked him for his reassuring words of encouragement and let him know we’d call when we came to a final decision.

“Give her some time. She might come around.” He smiled, giving me one last pat on the back, and turned to walk down the corridor.  

“And if she doesn’t?” I whispered, but my words fell on deaf ears.

I waited there a moment, composing myself before I reentered the room. Liberty was exactly where I’d left her, her eyes glued to the floor with her hair forming a curtain around her face as a shield, and her tiny body trembled as a soft sob tore through her. Her hands were still protectively splayed over her stomach, and I sidled up to her, lacing our fingers together. When she finally lifted her head, a steady stream of tears rained down her reddened cheeks, her eyes glistening with emotion.

Suddenly, I felt like my chest was caving in on itself. My whole world was being swallowed up by the black hole that had taken up residence in my heart. Not a single word was uttered as we left the doctor’s office, but it was better that way, almost comforting. The word cancer wraps around you like a thorny branch, strangling free from you any ounce of hope you’d once had, and speaking the word, hearing it out loud, made this whole fucking nightmare that much more real.

For just one moment, I wanted to pretend that none of this was real.

An unnatural stillness encompassed us as we drove home, and it hadn’t left us as we stepped through the front door. I quietly shut it behind me, the wood creaking as I leaned the weight of my body against it, and watched Liberty make herself comfortable on the couch, flipping the TV on as if the last few hours never happened. Her eyes were still swollen and puffy, evidence of her heart breaking piece by fucking piece, but I knew it had nothing to do with the cancer. It was the possibility of losing the two precious lives we had waited so patiently for that had her warring with her emotions. Two lives we might very well have ripped away from us.

Deafening silence hung heavily in the air, but for how long, I couldn’t have been sure. It was as if a wall had been built up between us the second we received the devastating news, and just the thought of bringing it up had my heart thundering in my chest.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and sank down into the soft, worn leather of the couch beside her. There really was no easy way to do this. “We need to talk.”

“Talk about what?” The words came out lukewarm and unfeeling.

Talk about what?
So we were playing that game. Wonderful. “Liberty,” I said, stressing her name. She was attempting to put up that wall between us, but I wouldn’t let that happen.

“What? There’s nothing to talk about, Shayne, so just drop it.” She went back to flipping through the channels. This was her third time around, and I couldn’t stand her so blatantly ignoring me. I snatched the remote from her and chucked it across the room, shattering the vase that held the dried sunflowers she carried on our wedding day.
Shit.

“What the hell?”

I closed my eyes, rubbing the dull ache in my temples. I hadn’t meant for that to happen, but at least it got her attention. “Just shut up and listen to me for a minute. All right? Can you give me that?”

She crossed her arms over her chest defiantly. I knew this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation, but her attitude wasn’t helping any.

“Look,” I said, pulling her legs out from under her and placing them across my lap. I dug my fingers into her calves, rubbing out the tension and hopefully coaxing her to open up to me. “I can’t read your mind, sweetheart. I need to know what you’re thinking. What would posses you to even consider putting off treatment? It’s not exactly something you can simply ignore for now and come back to later. That’s not how this works.”

“Well, since you claim to be such an expert on the subject, please, enlighten me as to how this works.” She glared harshly.

I clenched my jaw tight, my lips thinning to a firm, straight line as I held her stare. “I watched my mother die, Liberty.” I paused, drawing in a deep breath. “Six-years-old, and I watched the very same disease take her away from me. I won’t let that happen to you.
I won’t.
It might’ve been too late for her, but I won’t sit by and let you selfishly throw your life away, not when you have a fighting chance.” I reached over and brushed a strand of silky auburn hair behind her ear, and from the somber look in her eyes, I thought she might actually cave. It faded quickly, though, and was replaced by a look of exasperated annoyance.

“I'm being selfish? Oh right. Of course. Because if I did go through with treatment now and anything happened to these babies, it would kill me, Shayne! I'd die right along with them! Is that what you want? Because in my opinion, if anyone is being selfish here, it's you.”

The power and intensity behind her words rendered me speechless, and I wondered if maybe she was right.
Am I being selfish? Is it too much of me to ask this woman, the one constant in my life, to give up her choice merely to appease me?
But this wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about her. It was about us. Without her, we’d cease to exist.

“But they aren't here right now. You are.”

“They are too! Dammit, Shayne, they are just as much here as I am.” She grabbed my hands, forcefully placing them over her slightly protruding belly. The changes her body had taken on were plain to see and feel, and they only made her that much more beautiful. “They’re right here, sharing the same air I breathe and blood flowing through my veins. They're a part of me...of us. Don’t you dare try to convince me otherwise!” The last few words got caught in her throat as her lip quivered uncontrollably.

“Baby, if something were to happen to them, you know we could try for more. This isn’t our only chance at having kids. We’re still young. We have plenty of time to start a family of our own. What matters most is that you are here and healthy. That’s all I need.
You
are what I need.”

“Are you serious right now? Did you really just… I can’t believe you would say something like that. These are our children we’re talking about here! Do they not matter to you at all? Did they ever?”

I caught the few tears that had escaped from her eyes, sweeping my lips gently across her swollen lids, and cupped my hands around the back of her neck. “Baby, they have been the greatest gift I’ve ever received. You know they mean the world to me. Nothing would make me happier than to be a father to our kids, but we have to be realistic here. Are you willing to die before they’ve even had a chance to live? Before you’ve had a chance to live?” I pressed my lips to the top of her head and held them there, needing her to feel the full impact of what I was trying to convey. “This isn’t a death sentence for you, Liberty. You have no way of knowing how things will turn out unless you try.”

“That’s just it.” She hiccupped a sob and pushed her hands against my chest. “I have no way of knowing. What I do know is that I would never put these babies in harm’s way, and if there’s even a chance that something could happen to them…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it. At least if I wait until they’re born, I’ll know that whatever the outcome is, it won’t be the result of my being selfish with my own body.”

“You’re not being selfish if you get to live!”