Black Listed (14 page)

Her ass throbbed as it knocked against the wall, but it only served to heighten her arousal. His mouth was everywhere, biting and sucking at her neck, above her breasts, on her mouth. She was drowning in his love for her, and she couldn't think of a better way to go.

“I love you,” he murmured into her neck. “I love you so fucking much. It's my collar on you. My ring that should be on your finger. I own you. You belong to me.”

The words sent her soaring over the cliff and into a heart-pounding, mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasm. Shortly after, Sawyer groaned and followed her into the abyss.

Still holding her, he slid to the floor and shifted her so that she sat on his lap. He rested his head on her shoulders as they sought to catch their breath.

He'd said she didn't need his forgiveness. But what if she wanted it?

Ever since leaving Chad's house, he'd been so angry, especially when interrogating her.

Did
he
have it in him to forgive her for her transgressions?

And if not, what would that mean for them?

R
ESTING AGAINST HIS
chest, she tangled her fingers with his, ready for an honest conversation.

Sawyer's lips brushed her neck, his arms tightening around her waist as if he never wanted to let her go. But if that was true, what was the scene really about? If he couldn't accept her past, it was better to know that now, so she could prepare herself for the end.

“Tell me why you've been angry ever since we left Chad Winters's house,” she said softly.

His growl against her neck sent a burst of heat to her belly. “I wanted to wrap my hands around that weasel's neck and squeeze the life out of him.”

She raised her head, snagging his gaze. “I noticed. That's why I stepped in front of you. I didn't want you to do anything you'd regret.”

His lips turned down in displeasure. “I wouldn't have regretted it.”

“I understand you're angry at him for hiring a hit man—”

“That's not why I lost my cool. I mean, yeah, he's an asshole, and I'm obviously pissed, but it was more than that.” He let out a shuddered breath. “You fucked him.”

The disdain in his voice broke her into a thousand pieces. “Yes.”

“You fucked seventeen people for money.”

“Yes,” she confirmed. How many had he fucked? How dare he judge her, especially after he'd just told her to forgive herself for it? “I knew if you met one of my marks, you'd look at me differently. You think I'm a whore.”

He reared back as if she'd called him a whore instead. “You're not a whore, and trust me, I'm not judging you for sleeping with those people. I can't understand why you did it, but having sex with them doesn't make you a whore or a slut or whatever else you think I'm calling you. I'm angry because he's been inside you.” His voice went low and growly. “I'm fucking jealous.”

She shivered, goose bumps running across her collarbone. Jealous? In a million years, she wouldn't have guessed his behavior today had anything to do with jealousy. Sure, he was possessive, but at the same time, they were sexually adventurous and had participated in orgies together. Not once had he ever shown one iota of jealousy. Besides, she'd slept with those people before she'd met him. Before this week, she hadn't had sex since they separated. Unlike him.

She waved a finger in his face. “You have no right to be jealous. You own a sex club. Our marital vows didn't mean a damn thing to you once I left.”

He snatched her hand and kissed it. “Our marital vows meant everything to me.” He dropped the hand to trace her cheekbone. “I searched for you. I never stopped searching. I couldn't move on. I didn't want to move on. The sex club made me forget, kept me busy during the night so I didn't have to think about you and how much I missed you. A woman who took my money and stomped on my heart. My friends tried to tell me it was all about the money. That you never really loved me. But I never believed it. And as busy as I kept myself, I couldn't stop thinking about you.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I didn't break my marital vows. There have been no other women since you.”

She jerked back, searching his eyes for the truth. “How is that possible?”

“I won't say I haven't touched another woman. There were a few times I'd help my friends with a scene, hold a woman down, caress her breasts as my friends fucked her, and a few times I'd stay in the room and masturbate as I watched, but since you left, I haven't had my mouth on another woman. I haven't had a mouth on me or even a woman's hand wrapped around my cock.” He captured her face in his hands. “The only times I've come were by my own hand, thinking of you.”

A dam of tears burst wide open. Tears of relief. “You stayed faithful even when I hurt you?”

“Why are you crying?” he asked, wiping the tears away with his fingertips.

“I don't deserve you.” She couldn't believe he'd been faithful after she'd taken his money and run. “It killed me to think of you with someone else.” She laughed halfheartedly through the tears. “Which I know doesn't make sense, because I get off on watching you fuck other people.”

He shrugged. “Don't question your kink. It is what it is. And it happens to match mine.” He stroked his hand up and down her spine. “Do you know how jealous I was at the thought of you with another man or woman? It was unbearable. But once you told me that you hadn't broken our marriage vows, I knew that you still loved me. And nothing else mattered but breaking you down until you told me the real reason you left.”

But he'd honored her limits and hadn't asked.

She wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell him so damn badly. She could hardly remember all the reasons to keep it a secret anymore.

Yet something held her back. That one string that tethered her to the past that wouldn't let her go and sowed the seed of doubt that had been planted by her father years ago.

“Trusting someone is like handing them a bomb. It might not go off right away, but eventually, it's gonna blow up in your face.”

“I'm afraid,” she admitted.

“You think I'm not?” He had as much to fear as she did. After all, he wasn't the one who'd walked out on their marriage. “We've all got our demons to bear. But you and I are stronger together than we are apart. That has to mean something.”

“It means everything,” she said, disturbed by the pain in his voice. She might not be ready to cut the ties to her past yet, but she could help him cut the ones to his. “Tell me your sins, Sawyer. Let me wash them away and purify your soul like you did for me tonight when you told me to forgive myself.”

He shifted her on his lap and leaned his back against the wall. Sadness filled his eyes. “You know my parents died in a car accident. What the press never released was the fact that I had been driving that night.”

Her heart ached for him. He'd only been eighteen at the time, and unlike her, he'd been close to his parents. But she was shocked that his presence during the accident had stayed out of the media. His parents' deaths had made Sawyer the youngest billionaire in the world. The press had treated him like royalty, following his every move and giving him no time to grieve. “You were there?”

“I wasn't just there.” He didn't blink as his throat worked over a swallow. “I killed my parents.”

She took his hand in hers to give him the strength to continue. “Tell me what happened.”

Seemingly lost in the memory, he fixed his gaze on the wall across the room, avoiding eye contact. “We went to dinner to celebrate my graduation from high school. Everything was great. They were so proud of me. We talked about college and what I planned to study. They knew about my interest in computers, but when I told them I'd decided to go to Cal Tech to study computer engineering, rather than business at Yale, you could see the disappointment in my father's eyes. Three generations had graduated from Yale, and he'd always expected I'd be the fourth.”

“But Cal Tech . . . They must have understood that you wanted to follow your passion.”

He inclined his head. “Mom did. She tried to reason with my father, but he wasn't having it. When we left the restaurant, he was so angry. So disappointed. I'd shattered his dreams for me, and I was too stupid to care about anyone but myself at that point.”

“Sawyer, there's nothing unusual about that. Most eighteen-year-olds are incapable of thinking about anything but their own needs. You didn't do anything wrong.”

“I wouldn't let him drive, Annaliese.” He clenched his jaw, rubbing his hand over it. “He'd had a couple of drinks with dinner, and he was so angry, I worried he'd give himself a coronary. I actually said that to him. Joked about him killing us all while he drove us home. So I took the car keys. And I drove us home. Or at least, that was the plan.”

“What happened?” she asked softly.

He blinked a few times in succession, as if fighting back tears. “We were still fighting. Mom was in the passenger seat, Dad in the back yelling at me. He reminded me I was the sole heir to Hayes Industries. He expected me to run the entire company one day. I turned my head to say I'd no intention of ever working at Hayes Industries when an SUV coming from the opposite direction clipped our car. Dad wasn't wearing a seat belt. He was ejected from the car. Mom's head hit the dashboard. She died upon impact.”

She laid her hand on his cheek. “How did you survive?”

“Sheer luck,” he huffed. “I fucking walked out of the car on my own two legs. A couple of scratches. A broken arm. But otherwise, unharmed.”

She held him tightly. “Poor baby.”

Pushing her away, he looked at her, horrified. “Poor baby. Poor baby? I killed my parents.”

That's what he believed? “You didn't kill them. It was an accident.”

He lifted her off his lap and got to his feet, pulling up his pants and zipping them. “If I hadn't been driving, Dad would've been in the driver's seat. I would've been in the passenger's. Mom would've been in the back with her seat belt on. Don't you see? The accident wouldn't have happened, and even if it had, they would've lived. I would've been the only one to die that night.”

She stood and placed her hand on his shoulder. “You can't know that. There's a thousand different scenarios of how that night could've played out, and in every one, the outcome might have been the same. We don't have control over who gets to live or die.”

Sawyer tore away from her and paced the room. “I couldn't let them die in vain. My family's lawyers kept my part in the accident out of the press, but it's there in the official police report. But it didn't matter. The media became fixated on exposing the youngest billionaire in the world. They followed me everywhere.” He turned to her and ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn't escape the guilt. The attorneys suggested I go somewhere and lie low while I learned the business. I'm sure I shocked the hell out of them by joining the Army, rather than staying at my folks' vacation house in Aruba.”

“Why the Army? Was that something you'd thought about doing before they died?”

His gaze fell to his feet. “I had a lot to atone for. I thought if I did some good, maybe then I wouldn't feel so fucking guilty.”

“And did it work?”

His brows snapped together as he pondered it. “The Army gave me a new family. Logan, Oz, Hunter, and Rowan are my band of brothers. And there was always something to do. Someone to talk to.” He shook his head. “But no, the guilt never left. So when I got out, I got my shit together and took over Hayes Industries as CEO. I owed it to my parents after killing them.”

He didn't know how fortunate he'd been to have two parents who had genuinely loved him. She would've given anything to have had that herself.

Her parents should've never had kids. They'd had nothing to give to them but lessons on how to steal and cheat their way through life. At least Asa had gotten a bit of affection from their Mom. But it was as if once she'd given it, she'd run out of her limited supply and had been incapable of giving it to anyone else.

If Lisa had kids, she'd not only tell them every day how much she loved them, she'd show them.

“I think you're admirable for sacrificing your dreams for your father's,” she said. “But he wouldn't have wanted that for you.”

Proving she was starting to get to him, he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Didn't you hear what I told you?”

“Yes.” She hooked her arms around his neck. “I heard you tell me about a terrible night when a young kid got into an argument with his father. I also heard the love in your voice. Sawyer, they loved you, too. The unconditional kind that children deserve from their parents. He would've come around because he loved you and wanted your happiness. Maybe you would've compromised. Or maybe your father would've realized that he didn't own your dreams. But I do know this. Your parents wouldn't want you running a company if it made you miserable. Because when you love someone unconditionally, you'll sacrifice your own happiness for theirs. He would've done that for you. And he would've been proud of whatever you did decide to do with your life.”

He was quiet a long time, indecision warring in his eyes. When her words finally sunk into his stubborn mind, his hands left the safety of his pockets and his arms came around her.

She didn't say anything, waiting for him to speak.

“You certainly know a lot about unconditional love and sacrifice,” he said, sensing she hadn't been solely referring to his parents. He took a step backward, grasping both her hands in his. “Now that I've told you my secrets, are you ready to share yours?”

Lisa looked up at her husband, a man with personal demons as dark as her own, and realized her father had been wrong.

Trusting Sawyer wouldn't blow up in her face.

Her father had controlled her with
fear.

Well, fear was the opposite of trust, and it had ruled her life for far too long. Fear had kept her and Sawyer apart. It was time to fight back against it and embrace a world where she trusted those she loved. People like her friends and their husbands. People like her Master.

But her secrets didn't belong to her alone anymore. Maybe they never did. Her parents had made certain they entangled their children in their destructive web, never intending for them to free themselves. She and Asa had escaped, running as far as they could, only to discover they hadn't severed all the ties that bound them to the past and one another.

Would Asa help her cut that last remaining thread? If he didn't, if he asked her to keep it all a secret, she would have to make the impossible choice between her brother and her husband. She prayed that wouldn't happen.

She rested her head on his heart, letting his strong beat give her the power she needed to reveal the truth to him. “Before I tell you everything, I'd like to go see my brother at his hotel.”