Blackouts and Breakdowns (23 page)

I left the cafe that day feeling defeated.
People annoyed me so much that I felt I was going to have to go into seclusion in order to stop drinking.
What I really needed to do was learn how to deal with people and not make a huge production out of it. This task seemed daunting and I did not know if I was up for the challenge.
As the day was coming to an end, I realized that the next day would be one week of sobriety. I had made it through the weekend, dealing with nervous breakdowns over chopped chicken and everyone I knew going out and drinking without drinking myself.
Perhaps, I could do this after all. That evening Dr. Jake called after having returned from his trip to New York.

“How was it?” I asked.

“So much fun!” he replied.
Already a pang of jealousy came over me.
I felt he was partially responsible for my uncontrollable drinking over the summer and it simply was not fair for him to be having fun when I was completely miserable.
“I saw
Equus
on Broadway,” he continued.
There was a Broadway revival of
Equus
going on at the time and the guy who played Harry Potter went full frontal at the end of it.

“You just liked it because you got to see Harry Potter’s penis, you pervert!”

“Not true. It was an excellent play.” For someone who thought
Mamma Mia!
was high art, I was not really buying this at all.

“Whatever.”

“How was your weekend?” he asked.

“The usual, I was at the cafe all weekend, annoyed.”

“That sucks.
When am I going to be able to see you again?”
Dr. Jake asked in his needy, pathetic voice.

“Maybe sometime this week,” I replied.
“Did you sleep with anyone while you were in New York?”

“No.”

“Good. I have to go.”

It seemed as if I was doing a really good job of keeping him in check while I was recovering. I went to bed that day feeling pretty good.
Even though this weekend was a shit show, I didn’t drink.

DAY TEN

What a fucked up dream I had last night.
I was sitting on a beach drinking Bloody Marys with Bunny McDougall from AA.
It was a lovely day.
They sun was shining bright and the water was just perfect.
Bunny and I had found just the perfect spot on the beach, away from all of the children.
Bunny and I sat and enjoyed the sun.
Well, I enjoyed the sun. Bunny was sitting quite nicely under a huge umbrella with a huge sun hat on. Her face already looked like a leather handbag so I assumed she was not trying to make it any worse.
After a few minutes, Buns opened the cooler that we had brought with us.
Hoping she was going to pull out sandwiches, because I am a fat ass, I was shocked to find she pulled out a bottle of Ketel One and Bloody Mary mix.

“I made the mix myself,” Bunny said.

“Wait a second, we can’t drink Bloody Marys, we’re in AA,” I said.

“Oh don’t worry about it.
I won’t tell if you won’t.”
So this is what she and Palmer Courtlandt were doing with their spare time.
“I have been doing this for years, dear.
Just have one, no one will know.” She poured a Bloody and handed it to me.
It was so hot and I was really thirsty. I took the drink in my hand and knocked it back.
For the rest of the afternoon Buns and I drank all we wanted and didn’t get drunk.

“SHIT!” I yelled upon waking up.
I took my pillow and tried to hide it under my blanket as if it was a bottle of vodka.
After a minute, I realized it was just a dream. “Thank God” I thought. I did not stay sober for ten days just to fuck it up now.
But what did all of this mean?
I had done such a great job of not drinking my brain was confused. I needed to get to the bottom of this.

I was the first person in the AA meeting that day.
This had never happened before. I was so freaked out by the dream I had, I wanted to make sure I was on sacred ground so I would not actually take a drink.
The funny thing was, I really did not want to drink.
After a few days of waiting on tables filled with drunks, drinking had lost its appeal on me.
All I could think about was how shitty all of the people who were drinking were going to feel in the morning and I never wanted to feel hung-over ever again. So why was I having this dream?
As I sat and waited for the rest of the group to come in, I took a look at what was around me at the AA clubhouse.
The paint on the walls was a lovely baby throw up green.
In the center of the far side of the wall, there was a fireplace.
I assumed that it did not work as one of the crazier alcoholics may have attempted to light themselves on fire at one point.
All along the walls there were framed pieces of paper that had sayings such as “Let Go and Let God” and “
One Day at A Time
”.
Having been in AA long enough, I knew that these signs were not advertisements for the amazing 70’s sitcom starring Bonnie Franklin, but AA sayings that were supposed to help.
I was so worried about myself that I hadn’t even taken the time to look around and see my surroundings.
I saw the plants on the mantle that the secretary of the meeting was always telling everyone not to water.
I had only been in AA for ten days, but every day there was a reminder not to water the plants.
I wondered why people needed to be reminded of such things every single day, but those alcoholics have been known to be a crazy plant-watering bunch.
It was about five minutes before anyone walked in. The first person I saw walk through the door was Laura Lesbian.
Thank God,
I thought. I could definitely talk to her.

Laura walked over and took a seat near me. “Hey Mark, what’s going on?” she asked.

I turned to her and said, “Oh my God, I had the most fucked up dream last night.”

“Oh yea, what was it?” she asked.

“I had a dream that I was drinking Bloody Marys on the beach with the fabulous older woman who always looks so dressed up.”

“Bobbi?” Laura asked.

I still did not know what her name was, as I was still referring to her as Bunny McDougall.
“I guess so.
I have never even spoken to her before, but I did always think she would be fun to drink with. It was such a confusing dream.
Why would we be drinking Bloody Marys? Don’t you think margaritas or beers are more appropriate for the beach?”

She laughed. “Oh baby, you had your first drinking dream,” she said.

“What?”

“Drinking dream. When you stop drinking, your mind will play some super fucked up games with you.
I’ve been sober for a year and a half and I still have them.
Don’t worry, it’s natural.”

Great, so this is what I had to look forward to, dreaming every night about an eighty year-old woman whose name I didn’t even know.
We all sat down as the meeting began and I listened intently to the speaker.
She was telling the group that once she began coming to AA meetings she realized that she needed to get rid of all of the people in her life that enabled her to drink.
I thought about who I needed to get rid of in my life.
At this point, it would have to be anyone I was friends with in D.C. because everyone I associated myself with drank quite a bit.
I figured I would hold off on that because it had taken me so long to make friends to begin with, I didn’t have the energy to make a whole new set of friends now.
My family definitely made me want to drink, but I couldn’t really get rid of them – we were pretty much stuck together until death.
Then I thought of Dr. Jake. Everything he did pretty much made me want to drink.
True, we were no longer “together”, but all of the stresses of being in a relationship were still present.
I was still dealing with all of his bullshit on a daily basis, but with none of the perks.
We were no longer having sex because I was afraid if we had sex and he hurt my feelings, I would start drinking again.
Instead of waiting until the very last minute, until both of our feelings were hurt beyond belief, I decided to take make a big girl decision and tell Dr. Jake that the only relationship we could have was a friendship.
It was exciting to be making a true grown up decision. I called Dr. Jake after the meeting ended.

“Jake,” I said into the phone.

“Hey Mark, what’s going on?” he replied.

“Nothing, just got out of a meeting.”

“How are the drunks today?” Jake said with a laugh.

I laughed as well.
“Crazy as ever,” I replied.
“Listen, I need to talk to you about something. It’s kind of hard for me to do this, but I feel it’s necessary for my recovery.”
I was so dramatic when speaking of my “recovery,” but Dr. Jake was used to it at this point.

“What is it?” he replied.

“I really don’t think it is a good idea for us to continue whatever it is we have going on.”
I could hear defeat in his sigh.
“I don’t think we should be having sex and I also think that we should be moving on.
It’s not healthy for either one of us to continue like this.”
I could not believe the words were coming out of my mouth. I was notorious for dragging things on until the last possible minute.

“Does that mean we aren’t having sex anymore ever?” he asked.
For someone with two post-graduate degrees, Dr. Jake was a little slow on the uptake.

“Yes.”

“Yes, we can or yes we can’t.”

“Jesus, Jake. No more sex.”

“Oh,” he said.
“Well, I guess if this is what is going to help you, I have no choice.”

“No, you really don’t.” He really should have seen this coming. Dr. Jake was like a sex addict. He wanted it all the time.
I guess it had something to do with the fact that he was married to his ugly ass wife for so long. The only way he was going to be getting into my pants from now on was going to be involuntary, and God forbid it come to that. Jake, to my surprise, quickly changed conversation topics.

“I am thinking about going up to New York again this weekend for Halloween,” he said. Damn him!
He always knew just how to piss me off.
No one deserved to go to New York except for me, and he knew this. Perhaps friendship was out of the question.

ÒWhy? Weren’t you just there?” I asked

“I had a good time and I have nothing else to do,” he replied.
He asked me where good places were to go out and told me that he would call me when he got back.
I had made some pretty good suggestions and thought about last Halloween when I got totally loaded and made out with some kid who was in his pajamas.
Those were the good old days. I was suspicious of why Dr. Jake was going back to New York so soon, but kept my suspicions to myself.
After all, upon my request, we were no longer dating, or doing whatever it was that we were doing.

I went about my day as usual, going to the gym and then to work. I had a nice little routine going and was happy to be following it.
The cafe was as obnoxious as usual that night, but a particular table kept holding me up. They were sitting around drinking and were my last table so I politely implied that it was time for me to go, therefore time for them to go as well.
I was ready for bed, didn’t these people understand that? Feeling that they were being rude by not taking the hint that I was ready to go, I threw their check on the table and told them to get out.
It’s nice to know that my bad attitude continued in sobriety.
I would have expected nothing less.

DAY ELEVEN

When I first began going to AA, I had decided to dress up for the event, not knowing who I might run into. I’ve always been told to make a good first impression and what better way to do that than to dress fashionably.
However, after a few days, I realized that I was the only one who felt that way, so I decided to drop that idea and wear my gym clothes to the meetings.
No one else around me was dressed terribly well so I stopped caring.
I also really did not know any of these people, so within the first few days I stopped wearing my Sunday Best.
I did not think that anyone new was going to pop up so it was really not an issue, until I sat down that day next to a guy who must have been a model.
I had no idea where he came from, but I was pretty sure I was in love with him at first sight.
He was one of the most gorgeous guys I had ever laid my eyes on.
He looked like one of those models that were always standing under a waterfall somewhere modeling a Calvin Klein fragrance.
He was tall, with very dark long hair and light eyes.
He was absolutely gorgeous and I sat throughout the meeting making my sexy
come and get me
faces at him. He did not seem to be paying much attention to me but within the hour, I had already planned our wedding and what our 2.5 alcoholic children would have looked like.
As the meeting ended, I was tempted to walk over and introduce myself and ask him if he was interested in starting a life together.
Unfortunately, I was interrupted by a balding twenty-something on my way over.