Blessed Tragedy (28 page)

The meeting with Jon, Travis and Jared went about the way I expected it to. They apologized for having less than no faith in me. I broke down while telling them how much it hurt to be put in that position. They asked me to take back my resignation. I told them I'd think about it.

And that was where things took a turn away from the expected.

“Look, I stand by my statement that you need to get healthy,” Jon said staring directly at me. “You've been through a world of shit this year and you've been trying to get through it alone from the word go. That shit stops. Now.”

Colton sat straight in his chair like he wanted to say something but Jon motioned for him to keep his mouth shut. “I don't care what it takes. I want you back. We
need
you back. But we need you healthy. Physically and emotionally. If that means we stay in town a few months, I'm willing to do it.”

“Jon, we already committed to dates this fall,” Travis chimed in. He was right, but that didn't make his words sting any less. If we pulled out of the shows we'd signed on for, there could be penalties and it would mean our crew wasn't working. I couldn't ask anyone to deal with that.

“No. We'll deal with it. I don't want to do this without her and I'm not going to go back on the road wondering how much more she can take before she cracks,” Jon said as though I wasn't sitting across the table from him. “She needs this, we stay home.”

“Jon, I can't--”

“Dammit, woman! What's it going to take for you to hear me? I know we all fucked up and you're pissed. But now, it's time to pick up and get things right.” His eyes narrowed on me, daring me to disagree.

“Okay, I hear you. But I can't ask you to cancel dates when I'm still not sure what's going to happen.” I'd decided after talking to Colton last night that I did need to talk to a professional but I knew there was at least a chance they'd agree that going back on the road, being part of the band I felt betrayed me, wasn't the best decision I could make for my emotional well-being. “I'm going to find someone. I'm going to, as you say, get myself healthy emotionally. But what happens if I still can't go on the road after all that? There's a whole lot of poison that's been dumped into our little group over the past few months. I can't guarantee an outcome.”

“Well, I guess that's a chance we have to take,” Jon stated. “Plain and simple, I want you to do what you need to do. I'm hoping like hell that at the end of whatever happens, you getting your ass in the studio is part of what you decide is best. It's what you were made to do and I don't think you'll be truly happy until you're living your dreams again. Without the bullshit this time.”

Jon was nothing if not just as stubborn as me. He wasn't willing to let me go and I wasn't willing to stay. Yes, we live in a free country and he couldn't force me to stay but deep down we all knew he was right.

“Okay, here's my compromise. I won't make a decision before the end of the year.
If
I decide I'm ready to play, you let me play. But I won't make any rash decisions one way or the other. In the meantime, the show goes on. Jared doesn't have many vocals right now, shift shit around. Give him a few leads. Colton can handle the rest with some rearranging. I'm not going to let my fucked up head take money out of the pockets of the crew going into the holidays. Deal?”

This was the new Maddie-slash-Rain confidence coming through. When I wasn't being a stubborn, emotional ass, I was someone I could respect. I spoke my mind and didn't back down. I hoped with the help of therapy, and quite possibly legal pharmaceuticals, this would be the me my guys would come to know from this moment forward.

Colton squeezed my thigh and winked when I looked at him. I knew he was proud of how I was handling myself too. And probably more than just a little grateful that I was willing to work on moving past my own hurt and anger.

“Deal.” Jon sauntered around the table. “Now, give me a fucking hug.” He wrapped his arms tightly around my torso pulling my head to his chest. “I am sorry,” he whispered into my hair. “We all are. Now, can you try to give that pussy another chance? I think he's trying to take your spot as the biggest girl in the group.” That last part wasn't whispered and everyone but Colton erupted into uproarious laughter. Colton punched Jon in the shoulder, leading to the two of them boxing around the room. I had a feeling it was the first time in the month from hell they'd been able to relax too.

Chapter Twenty-Four

The day I had to watch our bus pull out of the lot without me ripped me apart. Yes, I was the one who said it had to be that way but it didn't mean I had to like it. Just like he had when Mom died, Colton hammered it into me that I could call him at any time and he'd answer unless he was on stage. Unlike when I went back to Lexington, I had no doubt I would be taking him up on that offer. Frequently.

It had been nine weeks and three days since my first therapy session, which was two days after our meeting. In that time, I could count on one hand the number of days I didn't see Colton. He told me the night he came to apologize that he would do everything possible to show me that he was capable of being my rock and he was true to his word.

The day Mark and Dale drove back to Odell, I moved in with Colton. Not as his girlfriend but as his roommate. He had a three bedroom condo with a magical view of Mount Hood and I needed a place to stay. It worked for us for a while. After about the first month, it became harder to resist sliding into his bed late at night. Until the lights went out, we were living as a normal couple and it felt amazing.

He left each day around noon to meet with the guys. Every day he would invite me to come with him and every day I would decline.  Getting together with the guys once they were done for the day was one thing. That was time to chill with friends. Being there when they were working through new arrangements was something I couldn't face just yet.

On the days I didn't have therapy, I would lace up my shoes and head to Forest Park for a run. My therapist suggested it and I agreed; I needed a healthy outlet for the emotions I would otherwise trap inside. I swear there were days when I could feel the stress and guilt seeping out of my pores as I pounded my way down the wooded trails.

In the evenings, I would start dinner shortly before the guys wrapped up for the day and they'd all wind up in our living room watching the start of the Trail Blazers' NBA season. Their screams, both cheering and criticizing, echoed through the open floor plan while I cleaned up after myself. It had become a routine I thrived on.

And now, all of those routines were forced to shift again. There would be no one to care for, no chaotic noise coming from the living room. I was even going to miss cleaning up the beer bottles after Colton kicked the rest of them out at night. Yes, in just over two months I was turning into a regular June Cleaver. Well, if June Cleaver had four husbands and no kids.

It took me two hours and sixteen minutes before reaching for my cell phone.

I miss you. Kick ass out there tomorrow.

We always do. Miss you.

Miss you too. And you kick ass naturally when I'm there. Now you have to work for it.

IDK, the kid's getting pretty good. If he could fill out those corsets you used to wear, I think we could make them believe he's you.

Don't pick on him. He'll tell me and I'll kick your ass.

Promise?

You wish. Miss you.

Love you, Maddie.

I know.

Just as I knew he meant it when he said he loved me, I knew it hurt him that I wouldn't say it back. Yes, I'd told him how I felt but until I knew I could trust him with my heart again, I couldn't say the words.

Every night for the next seventeen days, Colton called me before he went to bed. If it was a show night, the call was late and I'd nap until the phone rang so I wouldn't fall asleep on the phone. He'd give me a full run-down of every song, every screw up, every person he talked to backstage. I think he did it trying to make me feel like I wasn't missing out. It had the opposite effect and I wanted to get back on the road more than anything.

Two days before Thanksgiving, I was getting antsy waiting for Colton to call telling me he was on his way home. The band had a local show tonight and then five days off before making their way to the Midwest for most of December and, if I had my way, they'd left for the last time without me. Even if I didn't get on stage, there was no way I was going to sit around the condo for the better part of another month. They'd suffered long enough wondering whether or not I would get back on stage and it had gotten to the point where I think I was torturing myself more than them by staying cooped up without anyone to talk to.

Persistent pounding on the front door pulled me out of my pity party. I hoisted myself off the white microfiber couch in the middle of Colton's living room, quickly pulling my messy hair into a ponytail as I tried to figure out who'd be stopping by unannounced.

My heart lightened as I looked through the peephole to see my dad, Matt and Mike standing in the hall. “Oh, my god!” I squealed as I opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

They seemed taken aback by my enthusiasm. I couldn't blame them. After six years of angst, there were days my new positive outlook on life shocked the hell out of me too.

“Someone's obviously doing better,” Matt observed, scooping me off the ground for a long hug. “You look good, Moo.”

As my dad pushed his way around us, he explained that Colton and Jon had made the arrangements for my family to come to Portland for Thanksgiving since it was the first holiday without Mom. Before I could finish giving them the grand tour, the front door opened again as Colton and the rest of the band wrestled their duffel bags into the living room.

“Honey, we're home,” Travis called out. He and I were finally getting our friendship back to where it was before everything changed. We had a heart to heart talk where he told me he knew I wasn't dealing with what was thrown at me as well as I tried to let on and he was worried. Right or wrong, that led him to withdraw from me because he knew confronting me would have caused a fight and he didn't want that either. More than anyone including Colton, Travis knew how fragile I was inside and I loved him for that.

“Jackass, if anyone's going to say that, it oughta be me since it
is
my house,” Colton joked. I heard the fridge open, followed by the clanking of beer bottles. I tried to hide my apprehension over the fact that my dad was here and they were drinking before noon. Just coming off the road, there was no way I would say anything to Colton about doing what he wanted to do in his own house.

“Hey strangers,” I greeted them, handing out hugs to Jared, Travis and Jon before settling into Colton's side. He looked down at me as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, curious but not willing to say anything to make me let go. When they left for this latest stint, he and I were still little more than friends.

“Hey beautiful,” he said kissing the crown of my head. “I see extra luggage here. Does that mean our surprise beat us home?” He turned to see my dad and two oldest brothers standing on the balcony giving me a moment alone with the guys.

“Yeah, they got here about twenty minutes ago.” I stood on my toes to kiss Colton's cheek. “Thank you.” Letting go of him, I made my way to Jon, giving him a hug and a kiss as well. “You guys didn't have to, you know.”

Jon cupped my face in his strong hands. “When are you going to get it through that thick head of yours that there's very little we do because we have to? Colton
wanted
to do this for you. For all of you. So please, would you go over there, give the man a kiss and, later tonight, long after we all leave, show him how grateful you are to have your family out here?” I looked over my shoulder to see Colton glaring at Jon. “I'm serious, if you don't forgive him soon and have a marathon make-up sex session, I think he's going to blow.”

“I'll see what I can do about that,” I laughed. As requested, I walked back to Colton and planted a hard kiss on his lips. He clasped his hands at the back of my waist pulling me tight against his body and I relaxed into him.

Aware that we had company, including two overprotective brothers and my father, I broke the kiss, as much as I didn't want to. “I love you, Colton.”

“Yeah?” He smiled, leaning down to brush his nose against mine. It was such a tiny, tender gesture but it made me smile.

Even when he could have turned his back on me, when he probably should have walked away, he refused. Okay, so other than that one time, but if I'd learned anything in the past year it's that we're all human and we all make mistakes. True love means working through the mistakes to see if your love is strong enough to survive. I had a feeling that ours would be.

“Yeah.” I kissed him softly, still leaning into his chest. “I tried not to but couldn't. And now you did this for me, how can I
not
love you?”

“You hear that?” Colton said over my shoulder to the band. “Told you my plan to get her back would work.” I slapped his arm and everyone started laughing behind me. He looked down at me, “I'm kidding. I love you too. Now, I'm going to tell your family to get their asses in out of the cold. You guys coming tonight?”

“Um, I kind of thought I might get up there again tonight,” I said, looking around to survey the reactions of my band mates. I worried that they didn't seem as eager to have me back as I was to be back. “Or not...”

“Why don't you take this one last night off? If you think you're ready, you'll come with when we go back out and ease you back in.” Even though he wasn't much older than me, I was coming to see Jon as the father figure on the road. No matter what he did, it was because he thought it was the best for us. He worried about the stress sucking me back into a dark place. While I respected that, I didn't see that it'd make much of a difference.