Blood Bond (PULSE, Book 5) (11 page)

“He'll never let her in. And so she'll keep suffering of love for him.” Jaegar grimaced. “When she's got perfectly good vampires ready, willing, and able to love her right here. But she can't see that. She can only see
him.
And that damned nobility of his.”

“So I guess we both lost,” Stuart said.

“He's my Maker,” said Jaegar. “I won't speak ill of him. But he needs to make a choice – once and for all. Putting Kalina through this isn't doing any good for anyone. She can't even
know
if she loves him until he gives her a chance to love him properly – and he won't do that. And so she can't love anyone else, either.”

“He probably thinks he's doing the right thing,” said Stuart. “As much as I hate to admit it?”

“Like when he turned us, you mean?”

“I don't know if he did that for us or for him,” said Stuart. “Sometimes I think dying'd be preferable to...”

“To being a vampire?” Jaegar chuckled softly. “You always did. Father never understood it. He figured that vampires were just stronger versions of humans. He never minded.”

“But his bloodlust wasn't so strong.” Gerard had been an old man when he was turned – his humanity had been able to seep into his vampire nature. “Not at his age.”

“Wasn't too old for Marilee,” said Jaegar.

Marilee. Her name sent them into a reverent silence. The woman their father had loved, whom they had loved too, feeling the blood-connection that bound them all. The first woman to divide them. The mother of Aaron, their brother.

“We'll never know, will we?” Stuart said softly. It was the first time he had ever admitted that he no longer believed that Jaegar had killed Marilee. “Who did it, I mean.”

“No,” said Jaegar. It was the first time that he, too, had admitted that he no longer held Stuart guilty for the crime. “Perhaps in all eternity, we'll never find out what happened.”

The idea chilled them both, and they did not speak of it.

“Do you miss
him
too?” They could not even bear to speak the name of their dead brother.

“Yes, I miss him.”

“It's just us now.”

“Yes, just us.” Stuart's face darkened. “From here on out. Unless one of us dies. Or becomes human.” He looked over at Kalina again. “If she chooses you, brother, I'll be happy for you.”

He held out a hand and Jaegar shook it. “And if she chooses you.”

“She won't,” Stuart waved away a hand. “I've made my peace with that. The choice is between you and Octavius now – and I wish you nothing but luck. Me, I'll find her someday. The one. The Carrier. Human blood. I'll always love Kalina – maybe a part of me will always wish...” he shook his head. “Or maybe one day I'll meet the One, the girl I'm supposed to be with. And then Kalina will be just a memory. The way Marilee is now. That's the thing about being a vampire. We have a lot of time to get over the ones we lose.”

“Too much time,” Jaegar sighed.

“Yeah.”

There was silence.

Arm in arm, the two brothers returned to Kalina and Justin.

Chapter 11

T
hey continued on their journey, passing through forests and jungles as they went. At last they crossed the border with China – Jaegar and Stuart using some clever glamouring to get around the problem of visas – and then continued onwards. But by now it was mid-afternoon, and Jaegar – sniffing the air – could tell that, while Max and Octavius and Molotov had all indeed been here, the heat of the day and the strength of the sun had led all the vampires to go briefly to ground. They decided therefore to stop briefly in a small village close to the Chinese border in order to rest and figure out their next move, waiting until Jaegar could pick up Octavius’ scent once more.

Kalina found herself wandering off from the rest of the group. She wasn't just tired – no, that wasn't it – but a deep weariness, deeper than any bodily exhaustion, had taken root within her body. She was emotionally exhausted. The stress of worrying about Octavius, of being jealous of Jaegar, of her hormones and blood racing inside her and confusing her, had taken its toll. Right now, she didn't want to be around
any
vampires – at least not any vampires she could be attracted to, and knowing the way her blood worked, it seemed likely that there were few vampires that wouldn't stir her blood. She just wanted to be by herself. Safe. Free of all these feelings rollicking around inside her.

But a tap on the shoulder disturbed her reverie.

“Stuart!” Kalina turned around. “What are you doing here?”

Stuart sighed. “I came to...ah....” He looked nervous. “I came to apologize. For what I did when I was under the Life's Blood spell. I was horrible to you, Kalina.”

“You didn't know what you were doing...”

“That doesn't matter.” Stuart's voice grew sharp. “It shouldn't matter. I can't just say sorry to you and have it all be okay. Sorry isn't enough for what I put you through. I was horrible. A beast. A monster.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself, Stuart. That wasn't you.”

“But that
was
me.” Stuart sighed. “The Dark Knight. When I first turned, I was crueler, angrier, more bloodthirsty, full of more hatred than Jaegar. Jaegar had no regard for human life, to be sure, but I actively sought to stamp it out because of my anger. My hatred. It has taken hundreds of years for me to come to terms with what I have done, and now I know that the tiniest drop of blood will bring that out in me again.” His face was full of sadness.

“We all have a dark side, Stuart,” Kalina said, patting his shoulder. “Jaegar. Octavius. Even me. Humans do, too. And sometimes all it takes is something small to bring out the sides of ourselves that we don't like. It doesn't make you less human – if anything, it makes you
more
like a human than most vampires. Having two sides of yourself.”

“It doesn't change anything.” Stuart glowered.

“I'll accept your apology, then,” said Kalina. “I don't think you need to apologize, but I'm happy to do it just the same.” She gave a little laugh. “Of course, now you've revealed to me your innermost obsession. Life's Blood will do this to you.”

“What's that?” Stuart looked faintly surprised.

“What you really want – more than anything in the world.”

“And that is?”

“Domestic bliss,” said Kalina. “A quiet life. Making wine. Petting puppies. A nice bustling wife to make you tea and help you cook. Even under Life's Blood – that was what you really wanted.”

Stuart colored slightly. “I suppose so,” he said. “I like the peace of it, Kalina. The tranquility. Every warrior, every soldier – we all need some peace in our lives. Some contrast to the chaos and grime and misery of war. We need something outside that horror, so that we know and can remember what we are fighting for.” Stuart placed his hand softly on the right side of Kalina's face, stroking her cheek. “I thank you, Kalina,” he said slowly. “From the bottom of my heart I thank you. You fought for me when I was under that terrible spell. You believed in me, even when nobody else did. You believed that there was good in me.”

“I always knew there was,” said Kalina.

And with that, Stuart leaned in, giving her a soft and gentle kiss, his lips brushing hers as tenderly as a caress. It wasn't intended to be romantic, Kalina felt – it was meant to be a friendly gesture of love, of thanks, of his great and abiding gratitude. But as their lips touched, she began to feel his desire grow. He still wanted her, despite his attempts at serenity. She could feel their kiss grow hungrier, feel the sparks in their touch.

Stuart pulled back, surprised at what he had done. “I didn't mean to do that,” he said softly.

She looked up at him, charmed by what she saw. Good old Stuart, she thought. How she had missed him. Dearest Stuart, who had been the most steadfast of all her vampire friends, the one who had first taught her how to fight, the one who had first shown to her what it was like to be a vampire. He had always stood by her, loyal and faithful, willing to fight for her. Willing to die for her. How could she ever express to him how grateful she was for all of this, how good he had been to her? She shuddered at the memory of the Dark Knight he had been when trapped under the spell. She never wanted to see Stuart like that again – so crazed, so overwhelmed by his desire for blood, his thirst for death. How good it was to have him back again! And yet how confusing. The last thing Kalina wanted right now was to let her emotions be confused further by another vampire. She had already forgotten Stuart, dismissed him as a romantic possibility. But now, as he stood before her, Kalina remembered how wonderful he had been, how much she wished she could turn him human. For he, of all the vampires, truly deserved that gift. If only she could love him, Kalina thought. Perhaps she could.

Stuart leaned in again, kissing Kalina breathlessly. “I missed this,” he murmured, his lips rough against hers. “I thought I had resigned myself to it – I thought I'd been able to give you up, to accept your choice. But now I'm not so sure.” His kiss grew more passionate. “I was going to stand by, to watch you make your choice, to try to have no part in it. But I can't. Not when I see you like this. Not when I want you this badly. I'm weak, Kalina. Weak when it comes to you.”

“Don't say that...”

“Feeling you in my arms. Feeling your lips on mine. The smell of you still manages to intoxicate me – every single time. I remember what you tried to do when I was under the spell, Kalina. You tried to seduce me in order to help turn me back. And I wanted so badly to be seduced, to let you have your way with me. I wanted to believe that you cared enough for me to give me your blood. But I didn't crave that blood any longer, Kalina. When I had Life's Blood in my veins, I no longer wanted to taste it again, for I already had it – it turned me into the Dark Knight once more. And yet I still wanted you, Kalina. For you. Not for your blood.. For you. I wanted you for you.”

Kalina let out an involuntary sigh. She loved feeling Stuart close to her again, the gentle pleasures of his touch. So different from her tragic love for Octavius, so full of frustration. So different  from her passionate, alive love for Jaegar. And yet at the same time, this Stuart was different. He had been so terribly shy, so overwhelmed by his fear of turning evil that he had held back his passion. He had always been the safe choice – even, Kalina admitted it, the boring choice. But since Stuart had turned, he had been forced to contend with that dark nature that so frightened him. And now that he had been restored, Kalina found, he was more balanced for it. He was open and honest; he was passionate. When had Stuart ever been so passionate before? Had she been too quick to write him off as a boring safe bet – now that she knew what force and hunger lay beneath his handsome chivalrous exterior. It was true what Octavius once said about him, Kalina mused. Behind Stuart's steadfast nature, there lay a truly strong vampire. A vampire that was more in touch with his human needs, his human desires, than any other she had known. Indeed, this very duality of his nature – the good and the bad, the desire and the repression – what could be more human than that?

Funny, Kalina thought. Jaegar had always been Octavius’ favorite, his successor. He had always been the one whom Octavius was going to leave command of the Consortium to if anything happened to him. Yet, looking at Stuart, she could see far more of Octavius in him than she could in Stuart's more rakish, carefree brother. Is this why he and Octavius so often clashed, Kalina wondered? Because they were so similar after all?

She pulled away. While her heart ached for her to continue, Kalina knew that there was no time for her to succumb to another embrace today.

“Stuart, you mentioned that you heard Max?”

Stuart nodded. “When she gave me her blood to save me, it linked the two of us. She and I are bonded. She can talk to me telepathically. Right now, her trail is silent – she might be blocking me out out of fear that other vampires might be able to pick up on her signals. Don't worry,” he added, seeing the look on Kalina's face. “If something serious had happened to her, I'd know.”