Blood on My Hands (26 page)

Str-S-d #1

Today at school Lucy Cunningham looked at me like I was something the cat coughed up. I don’t have to explain who Lucy is. You already know, because there’s only one kind of girl who would look at anyone that way. I’m going to be completely honest here because this is my new blog, so what’s the point of pretending? So here goes. It really hurts when Lucy looks at me that way. But here’s what hurts even more. Sometimes when people look at me that way, I feel like maybe they’re right.

Comments

Str-S-d #2

I hate myself. I know I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to say that deep down I know I’m a really good person and only shallow people care about appearances. Well, I guess deep down I’m really shallow because I would give anything not to look like me. Why couldn’t I have been born pretty? Or really smart and clever? Or talented? Anything.

2 Comments

ApRilzDay said …
Hello? WOW, I just read your blog. Hey, I don’t know you, but I really wish you felt better about yourself. I mean, don’t YOU believe everyone has something good about themselves? And you ARE talented. That line about deep down you’re really shallow is FUNNY.

Str-S-d said …
It is? I didn’t mean it that way. But thanks anyway, I guess.

Str-S-d #3

This girl once asked me why I didn’t at least wear nicer clothes. That’s what she said: “at least.” As if it bothered her that I didn’t even try. Not that my mom has the money. But that’s not the real answer. The real answer is: Do you know what would happen if I tried to wear nicer clothes to school? They’d say, “Oh, look at her. She’s trying to fix herself up. How hopeless is that?” Why do they have to be so mean and catty?

3 Comments

Realgurl4013 said …
Cause theyre totally inseeecure and neeed 2 find someone 2 dump on so people wont dump on them.

ApRilzDay said …
It really isn’t about what THEY think. It’s about what YOU think. Wearing nice new things makes ME feel good. I mean, I guess I do care what other people think. But it’s really for ME. Maybe you could TRY it once and see what happens? You might be surprised.

Str-S-d said …
I guess I could try.

Str-S-d #4

I want to die. I would kill myself right now if I had the guts. Today I did something nice with my hair and wore this cute top my aunt got me for my birthday and … God, I can’t believe I did this … a padded bra? And they laughed. You know how they bunch up in the hall and stare at you, then turn to each other and laugh and keep glancing at you to make sure you know it’s you they’re laughing at? I just wanted to die, vanish, evaporate, cease to exist. And the worst thing was I was stuck there. At least until lunch. Then I went home and changed. I didn’t know how I could go back to school, but then I remembered my mom had this medicine for when she gets really upset. It’s not like it gets you high or anything. So I figured, just this once. It helped a little.

4 comments

Realgurl4013 said …
Hey, hey, I say, whatever gets you through the day day, is Oh-Oh-Okay.

4204ever said …
Doesn’t get you high? Then what’s the point?

ApRilzDay said …
Seriously? I’m so sorry that happened! I mean, I feel like it’s partly MY fault for suggesting it. But at least YOU were BRAVE enough to try, right? Maybe if you keep doing it they’ll get used to it and not even notice anymore.

Str-S-d said …
You can’t be serious. Try again? You obviously don’t have a clue how horrible it feels.

Str-S-d #5

It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. I said I was being honest in this blog, but I wasn’t completely because I didn’t say what I was really thinking. I mean, wishing people would die. That’s how I really feel most of the time. I just wish they would die. I didn’t write it before because I tell myself I shouldn’t feel that way. But the more I try to rid myself of these thoughts, the stronger they grow. So forget trying to be nice. Forget trying to pretend. Those people have made my life miserable. I want them to die.

I’ll begin with Lucy. She is definitely first on the list. You can’t believe how it feels to be in the cafeteria and turn around and there she is staring at me like I’m some disgusting bug or vermin. Does she really think I WANT to be this way? I hate you, Lucy. I really hate you. You are my #1 pick. I wish you were dead.

5 Comments