Blood Sacraments (45 page)

EXT. WHITE SWALLOW BAR - NIGHT

TIMOTHY VAN HELSING lingers outside the bar door. He’s smoking cigarettes.

TIMOTHY (VOICE-OVER)

Hunting bloodsuckers at the clubs is never easy. Hiding a stake when you’re supposed to wear tight clothes…all the cologne overpowering garlic…Great-grandpa never had these problems.

INT. STOKER’S BASEMENT APARTMENT

STOKER and his latest TRICK/VICTIM open the french doors leading to the bedroom. Shot of luxurious-looking bed.

TRICK/VICTIM

Wow. Are those silk sheets?

STOKER

Satin. And a dangerously high thread count.

TRICK/VICTIM

Do you have any poppers? Or Ambien? I can’t fall asleep after fucking without Ambien.

STOKER

Trust me. You’ll sleep like the dead after I’m finished with you.

3.
For Bravo

Cast Blog for
Casket Charette:
Repp Beir

As a native Trentonian I am so damn proud to share my candid thoughts regarding
Casket Charette.

While New Jersey might be known more for its official devil than its vital role in the Funeral Industry as the lead supplier of formaldehyde, Trenton is a bustling city with a nightlife that attracts goth kids from as far away as Philadelphia.

The series follows thirteen of us—YUMs, young urban morticians—while exploring the Trenton social scene. Having to live in a funeral home during the thirty days of shooting will be exhausting. One of the reasons I enrolled in mortuary school was to avoid people (the other reason was because I enjoyed painting the faces of my mother and father while they slept). So while we might all seem likeable on the surface, no one really cares about each other—we all doing this to win that trip to the Carpathian Mountains and $100,000. So, there will be drama.

I hope to breathe new life into casket design. I’m thinking glass. Enough wood. That’s so Old World. Stained glass. Mosaic glass. For Jews, bits of the wineglass they stomp when they get married. Tinted glass for the goths, so if they do vamp out after dropping, they won’t worry about the sun. Glass. It’s about
seeing
the real you buried.

4.
For The N.

Night Shift:
Ned Mack is looking for summer work in the sleepy town of Carmilla, California. But few places are willing to hire a morbid, all-in-black boy who doodles dead high school jocks with Xs for eyes. Then, while urban exploring the local haunted house with friends, Ned meets Carmilla’s newest occupants, the Karnsteins, a vampire family. The Karnsteins are desperate to find a human they can trust to watch over them as they sleep, so Ned is offered the job. Of course, Ned’s preacher father doesn’t like his son working late hours. And what happens when the Karnsteins’ teenage son, Edward, develops a crush on a “breather”? Ned never knew growing up alive could ever be so crazy.

EXT. STREET RUNNING THROUGH CARMILLA - NIGHT

NED and EDWARD walking.

EDWARD

So is he like a fire-and-brimstone sort of dad?

NED

Sometimes. I wish he’d take up a more interesting religion. Like snake handling. Or voodoo.

[Insert laugh track]

EDWARD

Then he’d catch you playing with dolls.

NED

He already has. I was ten.

[Insert laugh track]

EDWARD

My dad keeps on trying to set me up with this succubus. I mean, she’s okay. Snappy dresser. Jewish, too. He doesn’t understand that I like—

NED

Blood?

EDWARD

Duh. I was going to say boys.

[Insert laugh track]

Ned and Edward kiss.

5.
For Comedy Central

Don’t Be Batty

Pilot Episode Summary

A stowaway aboard a Caribbean cruise ship, Bastian is a Jamaican vampire who keeps trying to seduce the male guests. Effeminate, Bastian has the world’s worst gaydar, and lisps inappropriate remarks to honeymooning hunks. He finally meets the one other gay man aboard ship, but on their “date night” the guy turns out to be a Klansman and the romantic dinner by candlelight is actually a portable burning cross in his stateroom, which scares Bastian off.

Trivia/Allusions

The cruise ship is named the
Demeter
, which was the ship Dracula arrived on.

Quotes

Never saw the ocean before. My wife and I are from Oklahoma.
—
Husband

Oooh, I just love a redneck. Though I have to watch nibbling around your beard.—
Bastian waving aside Husband’s Wife.

Sir, are you a passenger?—
Cabin Steward

I’m the night watchman
.—Bastian

[As a whisper]
I like the night life and watching for men.
—Bastian

Joseph Baneth Allen
grew up in Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. His non-fiction has been published in
OMNI
,
Popular Science
,
Final Frontier
,
Astronomy
,
Florida Living
,
Dog Fancy
,
Pet Life
,
eBay Magazine
, and many others. He now lives in Jacksonville, Florida, where he continues to write fiction and non-fiction.

Steve Berman’s
combination of gay sensibility and the fantastical has earned him finalist nods for the Andre Norton Award, the Gaylactic Spectrum Awards, and the Lambda Literary Awards. His boy-meets-ghost novel,
Vintage
, made the Rainbow List of recommended queer-themed titles by the American Library Association. Recent sales include a lesbian retelling of Swan Lake for
The Beastly Bride: Tales of the Animal People
(Viking) and another gay vampire story for the forthcoming young adult anthology
Teeth
(HarperCollins).

’Nathan Burgoine
lives in Ottawa, Canada, with his husband Daniel. His work appears in
Fool For Love
,
I Like It Like That
,
I Do 2
, and
Tented
. You can find him online at n8an.livejournal.com. He promises not to bite.

S.A. Garcia
can never decide between red or white. Nor can the always pondering life’s mysteries S.A. decide between creating visual art or word art. Back in the misty past S.A.’s teachers waged war over those diverse skills until it felt easier to succumb and create both. S.A. spins the talents in between cooking, drinking, sitting before the computer far more than healthy, and growing legal herbs and oddly named flowers. Good thing S.A.’s eternal partner is a successful visual arts/photography professor. Their hungry house bunnies appreciate one steady artistic income paying for the baby carrots, parsley, and kale.

Todd Gregory
is the author of the novels
Every Frat Boy Wants It
and
What Every Frat Boy Wants
. His anthology
Rough Trade
was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award for Best Gay Erotica of 2009. His novella “Blood on the Moon” was published in the anthology
Midnight Hungers
, and he is currently working on a novel,
A Vampire’s Heart
, which continues the story. “Bloodletting” is the first chapter of that novel.

Winner of the 2008 Seattle Erotic Arts Festival’s short story competition,
Jay Lygon
has published over fifty short stories in anthologies such as
Inside Him
,
Gods and Myths
,
Bonded
,
Toy Box: Floggers
,
Toy Box: Quiches
, and
Torqued Tales
. His novels
Chaos Magic
,
Love Runes
, and
Personal Demons
(Torquere Press) have been praised as “Magical realism, unlike any other BDSM novel ever written.” Jay lives in Los Angeles, on the 405 freeway. Visit Jay at www.JayLygonWrites.com.

Jeff Mann
’s books include two collections of poetry,
Bones Washed with Wine
and
On the Tongue
; a book of personal essays,
Edge: Travels of an Appalachian Leather Bear
; a novella, “Devoured,” included in
Masters of Midnight: Erotic Tales of the Vampire
; a collection of poetry and memoir,
Loving Mountains, Loving Men
; and a volume of short fiction,
A History of Barbed Wire
, winner of a Lambda Literary Award. He teaches creative writing at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia.

Wayne Mansfield
was born and raised in rural Western Australia. He left home at seventeen to attend university in the state capital, Perth. Since graduating he has been published many times, both in print and online, in the U.S., the U.K., and Australia. Most notably, his story “Highway Patrol” (Eternal Press) has been a best seller. He also has many stories published with Torquere Press, Damnation Books and StarBooks Press. Find out more and check out his blog containing a full history of publishing credits at waynemansfieldwrites.weebly.com.

F. A. Pollard
([email protected]) has had stories published in over a dozen magazines and anthologies, including
The Ultimate Zombie
,
Chilled To The Bone
, and
The Year’s Best Horror Stories: XXII
. Most recently, “Game Boyz” appeared in the anthology
Boy Crazy: Coming Out Erotica
, edited by Richard Labonté. Current projects include a speculative-fiction novel entitled
Shattered Mirrors
.

Max Reynolds
is the pseudonym of a well-known East Coast writer and journalist. Reynolds writes extensively in both the mainstream and queer press, with a focus on national politics and sexual politics. Reynolds’s gay erotica has appeared in
His Underwear: An Erotic Anthology
,
Frat Boys
,
Blood Lust: Erotic Vampire Tales
,
Rough Trade
,
A View to a Thrill
, and
Men of Mystery
, among others. “Possession: A Priest’s Tale” is one in a series of stories featuring Reynolds’s vampire protagonist Raul Garcia. Reynolds’s forthcoming novel,
At the Blue House
, also stars Raul Garcia.

Jeffrey A. Ricker
lives in St. Louis with his partner and two dogs. His writing has appeared in the anthologies
Paws and Reflect
and
Fool for Love: New Gay Fiction
. He is working on a novel and dislikes referring to himself in the third person. Follow his blog at jeffreyricker.wordpress.com.

Rob Rosen
, author of the novels
Sparkle: The Queerest Book You’ll Ever Love
and the Lambda Literary Award–nominated
Divas Las Vegas
, has had short stories featured in more than 100 anthologies, most notably the erotic collections:
Best Gay Romance
(2007, 2008, 2009, & 2010),
Ride Me Cowboy
,
Surfer Boys
,
Truckers
,
Frat Sex 2
, and
Ultimate Gay Erotica
(2008 & 2009); and the speculative collections:
Southern Comfort
,
Hell’s Hangmen: Horror in the Old West
,
Our Shadows Speak
,
Damned in Dixie: Southern Horror
,
Twisted Fayrie Tales
,
Don’t Turn the Lights On
,
Bloody October
, and
Black Box
. Please visit him at www.therobrosen.com.

Lawrence Schimel
has published over 100 books as author or anthologist, including
The Drag Queen of Elfland
(Circlet),
The Future is Queer
(Arsenal Pulp),
Things Invisible to See: Lesbian and Gay Tales of Magic Realism
(Circlet),
Two Boys in Love
(Seventh Window), and
Fairy Tales for Writers
(A Midsummer Night’s Press). He has twice won the Lambda Literary Award, for
First Person Queer
(Arsenal Pulp) and
PoMoSexuals
(Cleis), and has also won the Spectrum, the Independent Publisher Book Award, the Rhysling, and other awards. He lives in Madrid, Spain, where he works as a Spanish->English translator.

Damian Serbu
lives in Chicago with his partner of seventeen years, where their two dogs are firmly in control of the household. After earning a Ph.D. in history, he now teaches at the collegiate level. His love for vampires—and all things horrific—fused together with his academic training to inspire his first novel,
The Vampire’s Angel
, which is set during the French Revolution. A childhood nightmare led to his second novel,
Secrets in the Attic
. Come visit him at www.DamianSerbu.com!

Nathan Sims
’s short fiction has appeared in the anthologies
Blood Fruit
and
Queer Gothic
, both from QueeredFiction. It can also be found in the July 2010 issue of
Collective Fallout Magazine
and online at Velvet Mafia: Dangerous Queer Fiction. He lives with his partner across the street from Washington, DC.