Board Stiff (Xanth) (7 page)

RUN!

They got the message. Ease and Astrid took hands and ran away from the crunch.

Crash! Another invisible foot crushed a swath of trees ahead of them. The giant, taking a giant step—what else?--had cut them off.

“The cave!” Ease said. “He can’t get in there, or crush the rock. I think.”

Kandy remembered more. DON’T GO THERE! THAT’S COM PEWTER’S CAVE!

“Who is Com Pewter?” Astrid asked.

Any reply Ease might have made was drowned out by a third crushing footstep, this one perilously close.

Ease and Astrid dived into the cave.

Kandy knew that now they were in for it.

“Com Pewter is a nasty machine,” Ease belatedly answered. “He doesn’t much like people, and seeks to use them for nefarious purposes.”

“Machine?”

“He’s not exactly alive. He’s made of Pewter and stuff.”

“Pewter?”

“Well, I’m not sure exactly what pewter is. Some kind of metal.”

ALLOY OF TIN AND LEAD Kandy thought.

“Tin and lead,” Ease said. “And maybe other stuff. Anyway, he’s dangerous to be around.”

“He is?” Astrid was evidently intrigued, suspecting a fellow traveler.

“Maybe. The giant’s gone. Let’s get out of here.”

They turned and stepped toward the cave exit.

Printed words appeared across the air before them. TRAVELERS GO TO CENTRAL ANNEX.

The two people turned around and marched into the mountain.

Bleep, Kandy thought. Pewter had become aware of them.

“Why are we going the wrong way?” Astrid asked.

“Because Pewter controls reality in his vicinity,” Ease said. “He types it out, and we do it, whatever it is.”

“Maybe we should tell him no.”

She had much to learn about some aspects of Xanth.

They came to a central lighted chamber. There was a bank of metal boxes surmounted by a glassy screen. On the screen was printed WELCOME TRAVELERS.

“Are you Com Pewter?” Astrid asked. “We don’t feel welcome. We were driven in here by a smelly invisible giant and then couldn’t get out. That’s not nice.”

WHO ARE YOU?

“We don’t have to tell you that,” Astrid said.

TRAVELERS TELL ALL

“I am Ease,” Ease said. “My companion is Astrid. We’re on a Quest for the Good Magician.”

THAT DOES NOT MATTER. NOW YOU ARE MY SERVANTS.

“We’re not--” Astrid started.

GIRL IS SILENT

Astrid shut up. She was learning.

YOU LOOK LIKE HEALTHY YOUNG SPECIMENS. MAYBE I WILL USE YOU TO START A BREEDING COLONY TO RUN MY ERRANDS.

That would be a disaster, Kandy thought. But how were they to escape the power of this evil machine?

Maybe she could arrange it. Pewter didn’t know about Kandy. She could prompt Ease to do things Pewter didn’t expect, such as escaping. START WALKING OUT.

Ease started walking out.

STOP WALKING OUT

Ease stopped.

RESUME WALKING

He started walking again.

WHAT IS OPPOSING ME? Pewter demanded.

Ease continued walking, as that order had not been countered.

REVEAL YOURSELF

Oops. Kandy didn’t want that. I’M AN INDEPENDENT CUSS.

“I’m an independent cuss,” Ease said, still walking.

STOP WALKING. TURN AROUND. RETURN TO ME.

Ease did these things, and stood before the nasty machine.

Then Kandy got an idea. BASH COM PEWTER WITH YOUR BOARD.

Ease bashed the screen before Pewter could understand and counter his attack. His aim, with Kandy’s guidance, was true. Glass shattered.

But Kandy knew that the monitor was not the whole of Pewter. He had been blinded, not destroyed.

“Get out of here!” Ease said, prompted by Kandy’s urging.

They scrambled for the exit tunnel. In no more than three moments they were back in the forest.

But the giant was still there. An enormous invisible hand blocked them off. SO YOU DEFY ME, he said.

Oh, no! That was Com Pewter talking.

But now Astrid, evidently not used to being bossed around, talked back. “You have no right to hold us. We’re on a Quest. Now get out of our way or I will be forced to hurt you.”

OH YEAH?

“Final warning. Retreat.”

HO HO HO! The hand moved forward; Kandy could tell by the swishing of the breeze around it as it moved. Also by the smell.

Astrid removed her dark glasses and gazed up into the region of the sky where the giant’s face might be.

OOOMPH! There was an enormous thud as the giant fell back, evidently landing on his rump, in the process squashing a fair section of terrain.

Now Kandy realized what had happened. Com Pewter might be animating the invisible giant, and talking through his mouth. But the giant was a living creature. The basilisk’s death gaze had struck him.

Astrid put her glasses back on. “I warned you.”

There was a stirring as the giant leaned forward. “So you did. What manner of creature are you? A gorgon?”

So the giant wasn’t dead. Maybe it had been too big for the death-gaze to do more than stun, or maybe its invisibility had diluted the effect. It might have been a glancing blow. But there had been an effect, because now a faint outline of a giant man was showing. It was the man, rather than the machine, now speaking.

“A basilisk,” Astrid said. “Astrid Basilisk-Cockatrice, or ABC for short. Transformed to human form for the purpose of this Quest. Now will you leave us alone?”

“I will be glad to,” the giant said. “But it is with my master Pewter you must deal.”

“Why do you serve a machine?” Astrid asked. She seemed more assertive, now that she had unveiled herself, as it were.

“There are benefits,” the giant said. “During off hours I get to play games on the Outernet and exchange messages with girls who don’t know my nature.”

“I appreciate the point,” Astrid agreed. “I think I might enjoy flirting with boys who don’t know my nature.”

Now Ease came to life. “You’re a basilisk!”

“I’m sorry you found out so soon. I believe you found my form interesting, before you knew.”

“It’s still interesting,” Ease said. “Especially when that dress turns translucent.”

“It does that?” the giant asked, interested. Evidently he could see well enough, even if he couldn’t be seen, and he appreciated the sights.

“It’s complicated,” Astrid said. “But the essence is that when a sequin falls off, the dress becomes un-opaque and my, um, legs show. It also triggers an Event, because these are Sequins of Events. This is an Event.”

“A visit to Com Pewter,” the giant agreed.

“Yes,” Ease said. “We aren’t looking for trouble. We didn’t realize how the sequin would take effect.”

“I suggest you go back in the cave and talk with Pewter,” the giant said. “Now that he knows your nature, he will treat you with more respect.”

“It’s actually Ease’s Quest,” Astrid said.

“And surely a worthy one,” the giant said. “If I may ask, what is it?”

“Something is destroying puns,” Ease said. “I have to find the cure so puns won’t be eliminated from Xanth. Even though I’d rather let them all be wiped out.”

“I appreciate your mixed emotions,” the giant said. “The only thing worse than one pun is two puns. But you can’t simply walk away from Pewter. He defines reality in his vicinity, and this is part of his territory.”

“Well, I’m walking away,” Ease said.

“Lotsa luck,” the giant murmured.

Ease started walking. Right back into the cave.

So it was like that. Astrid shook her head, bemused, and followed. Kandy was coming to like her as she saw her sensible reactions.

Back in the central nexus the monitor had been repaired. HOW DID YOU BASH ME?

“With my trusty board,” Ease said, brandishing it. “And if you don’t let us go, I’ll do it again.”

STUPID MAN IS UNABLE TO STRIKE.

Ease stood still, unable to move.

But Com Pewter still didn’t know about Kandy. STRIKE! she ordered.

Ease struck. But before the board could connect, a man stepped in from the shadow and caught it in his hand. Where had he come from? He seemed to be an android, a somewhat mechanical man, with visible links at his elbows and knees.

In fact he
was
an android. Because he was holding her board, Kandy was able to tell something about him. There was no person there, just the automaton. A machine animated by Pewter. It was just standing there, protecting the monitor.

WHAT POWER IS BYPASSING MY CONTROL?

Now Ease had to answer. “I don’t know.”

The screen oriented on Astrid. WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF THIS?

That put the basilisk on the spot. Astrid knew about Kandy.

“The board has a will of its own,” Astrid said.

That was true, as far as it went. Would Pewter be satisfied?

The screen addressed Ease. WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?

Pewter was satisfied. Kandy was relieved. She appreciated Astrid’s simplification, preserving Kandy’s secret, such as it was.

“I have to save the puns,” Ease said.

WHAT PUNS?

“All puns. A virus is destroying them.”

A VIRUS! The screen looked shocked.

Then Kandy realized that Com Pewter himself was a pun. Their Quest should really interest him. Was that good or bad?

YOU MUST COMPLETE THIS QUEST

“Well, actually I’m not partial to puns--”

MAN REALIZES HE LOVES PUNS

“Then again, they do pretty much define Xanth, so we’d better keep them.”

YOUR MISSION IS INADEQUATE. AN IGNORANT MAN AND A BASILISK IN HUMAN FORM WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH MUCH. YOU NEED HELP.

“We need help,” Ease agreed

SO I WILL JOIN YOUR PARTY.

Ease looked at the screen. “How? You can’t walk or talk.”

The android moved. “In my android format,” he said. His blank screen face animated, becoming a smiley-face. “I will park my cave data for the duration.”

“I don’t know—”

“Man changes mind,” Pewter said.

“Why we didn’t think of this before,” Ease concluded.

Kandy wasn’t sure about this either, but preferred to stay out of it lest Pewter catch on to her nature and change her mind too.

So it was up to Astrid to make the objections. “The Good Magician set up this Quest. If you take it over, it may mess it up so that we fail.”

Pewter considered, his smiley face becoming thoughtful. “The Good Magician is grouchy, but he generally knows what he is doing. So I will join the Quest as a Companion, assisting without interfering.”

“How can you do that?”

“I have installed my fatherboard in the android host so that my essence is here.”

“Fatherboard?”

“My girlfriend Com Passion has a motherboard; I have a fatherboard, of course.”

“Point made. But what I meant was, how can you accompany us without constantly interfering? It’s your nature.”

“The same way you do: by following the protagonist’s lead and helping to guarantee his safety.”

“Guarantee his safety? How can you do that in a way I can’t?”

“Myriad ways, Basilisk. When a threat comes you can stare it into submission. That’s limited. I can change reality in the vicinity so that the threat abates without even becoming threatening. That’s far less limited.”

Astrid nodded. “Excellent point. But it would be better if you assumed a better human likeness.”

If Pewter was annoyed, he didn’t show it. “How so?”

“For one thing, you should coordinate your screen mouth with your speech, so it is not obvious that you are not actually talking with your mouth.”

“Excellent point,” Pewter said, his face mouth now moving with his speech.

“And you should mask or change your visible joint bolts.”

“Bolts disappear,” Pewter said, and they did. He looked significantly more human.

“And--” Astrid hesitated.

“What, Basilisk?”

“You should stop calling me that. It is true; I am a basilisk in human garb. But it is better to conceal my nature from strangers, or I will be less effective as a bodyguard. So you should refer to me as Astrid, and look at me as if I were a real woman.”

“I will do that,” Pewter said. “Actually your form is impressively human, not that I care about that sort of thing.”

“And I will treat you as if you are a real man, not that I have the slightest interest. But there is one more thing.”

“What thing?”

“You will have to stop changing reality against our will. Ease and I need to function as ourselves. You should change reality only when we ask you to.”

“Astrid changes mind,” Pewter said. Her expression changed.

Kandy had to act. She prompted Ease.

“Nuh-uh,” Ease said. “None of that.”

“Cancel,” Pewter muttered. Astrid’s expression reverted to its prior setting. “Got it. Use my power only when necessary or requested.”

Kandy realized that this was actually working out. But there was more. She prompted Ease.”

“Something else,” Ease said. “You’re a pun, Com Pewter. Where we’re going, puns are in danger. You need to protect yourself from the virus.”

“I hate viruses,” Pewter agreed. “But I can’t counter it without knowing its type. So I will build an invisible firewall around us all.”

“We don’t want to burn!” Ease protested.

“Figurative, simpleton. It means a barrier that viruses can’t get through. It won’t eliminate the viruses, but it will prevent them from reaching us. That will ensure my survival when we encounter the pun-killing virus.”

Ease evidently didn’t know what the term “simpleton” meant, so didn’t argue. “Do it, cartoon face.” Or did he? He was picking up more of her thoughts, and in effect she was upgrading his intellect. Something she probably couldn’t have done if she had retained her real form.

The android fetched papers filled with obscure printed 0 and 1 symbols, placed them in a circle around the three of them (Kandy of course didn’t count), and spoke a fiery spell. The papers burst into flame that rose up in a circular wall around them, then merged above them. They were in a blazing hemisphere of light. This was of course the firewall.

Pewter snapped his fingers, and the light faded.

“But it’s gone,” Astrid said.

“It remains,” Pewter said. “I merely rendered it invisible. Regular folk won’t be aware of it at all. It affects only viruses.”