Bob Servant (18 page)

79
See
The Dundee Courier
, 16 November 2005 –
‘Man Ejected From School Reunion
(“They should have made it a lot clearer in their advertising that it was only for people who went to the school,” says Servant, 59, of Broughty Ferry.)'.

80
I tracked down what Bob's referring to here.
The Dundee Courier
currently has a weekly section called
Lovestruck In Dundee
where people post sightings of others who have taken their fancy. I have included a selection, amongst which you might be able to spot Bob's.

My first book coming out was a wonderful time for me and those around me. That's not to say that there weren't a few hiccups along the way. One of the biggest hiccups was that, in hindsight, I probably started the build-up for the book coming out a little early. I'd been told that Word Of Mouth was the big one in building up interest so I started talking in Stewpot's about the book and the fact that I'd written a book around a year before publication.

After a week I was forced to wrap up the Word Of Mouth campaign when the Bitter and Twisted Brigade (led by, surprise surprise, Bitter and Twisted General Chappy Williams, Admiral Tommy Peanuts and Private Frank The Plank) reported me to Stewpot and he said I would be banned if I didn't stop ‘blowing my own trumpet'. I told him that if that was blowing my own trumpet then whenever Chappy won a golf tournament we had to listen to a fucking brass band, but he said the decision had been made and that was that.

I was forced to keep my head down on the book front for nearly a year but when publication came round no-one could stop me talking about it because it got a belter of a review in Cruncher's magazine
⁸¹
and
The Courier
plastered me all over the front cover.
⁸²
It's possible I got a little carried away in
The Courier
interview but it was an
exciting time for me because I was very confident the book would be the fuse to light a Hero cannon and fire me into Stardom Sky.

Not that I wanted to be a celebrity because I hate that stuff. Back in my day you'd turn on the telly or open a paper and you'd look at the people and you'd be thinking, ‘Oh there he is again but he deserves it so good luck to the guy,' and ‘She gets better every year and I must buy her new LP,' and so on. These were people you respected because of what they'd managed in life. They were brilliant actors, wonderful singers or genuinely world-class serial killers. Who do we get now? A bunch of no-marks and amateurs.

Unfortunately the coverage from Cruncher's magazine and
The Courier
didn't quite set off the clamour that I thought it would. A few days went by and then a few weeks and finally I had to face up to facts. As much as I hate that celebrity stuff it seems to be what the media want so I went to the newsagent and bought all the tabloids and the famous people magazines. One theme I noticed a lot of was secret photos of famous people who hadn't officially said they were shacked up along with articles giving it the Are They Or Aren't They routine.

That's what made me think of Lorraine Kelly. When she's not doing the telly stuff in London, Kelly lives in Dundee and I think she's married and so on but I thought that maybe the two of us could give the tabloids and famous people magazines ‘something to play with'. I wrote her a letter suggesting a series of secret photos such as the two of us smiling and eating chips in Broughty Ferry harbour or walking along the beach holding hands or ‘innocently' looking at the ring display at Simpson's Silver. Then I thought I could spot the photographer and he could get some shots of me giving the V-Sign and waving my hands and shouting ‘Piss off!' and ‘Give us some respect' and ‘Go and chase real criminals'.

It was a plan that would have benefited us both (my book would have flown off the shelves and she'd have had more viewers than ever for
Countdown
) but I never heard back, which was tough but bearable because things had picked up in the meantime. Out the blue I'd had a call from Radio Tay who wanted me to go on Ally Bally's show which is big-time and, to be fair, I went down an absolute storm.
⁸³

After the success of my radio appearance I decided I should make hay while the sun shines and put posters up at Stewpot's and Safeways that I thought would bring in a bit of business but, surprise surprise, the Dundee public lacked the confidence in themselves to pick up the phone.
⁸⁴
After a few days of sitting looking at the phone and performing the sigh and shrug combination I thought, ‘You're better than this, Bob,' stuck on my jacket and went for a Cheer Up For Christ's Sake walk along the Esplanade.

I was feeling a wee bit better when some boy cycled past and asked if I was the ‘guy that wrote that book'. Straight away I felt about thirty feet tall. I said, ‘Yep, you're spot-on there, pal,' and he said that he'd read it and then he said something else but it was quite windy and he was getting a bit further away and I shouted, ‘What was that, mate?' and he tried again but he was pretty far away by that point so I started jogging and then I started running but he just kept cycling and then I was running like Linford Christie but he was cycling like Chris Hoy and it's no match when one boy's got a bike and he disappeared off up the Monifieth Road and I had to stop before I passed out.

As I stood there hunched over, spitting on the ground and my heart feeling like a football, I thought, ‘Is this the Scottish big time? Does Billy Connolly chase boys on bikes along the road in America? Does Annie Lennox bomb it down streets in London because she thought she heard a whisper about her new LP? Does the boy from the Corries jog round the car park at Ben Nevis trying to get recognised? Because if this is the big time,' I thought to myself down at the Esplanade, ‘you can keep it.'

 

 

 

(Then I just went home.)

_________________________

81
See the Winter 2007 edition of
Mumblings From The Margins
(‘. . . not without flaws but a charming bathroom companion.')

82
See the bottom right hand corner of page 37 of
The Dundee Courier
, 10 October 2007 –
‘Broughty Man Says Book Can “Heal” City
(“This recession must be terrible for the normal punters out there and I hope that I'm putting a smile back on their credit crunched faces . . . I think my book will bring the city together and remind people that dreams do come true . . . More than anything I hope I'm an inspiration and I'm fairly confident that I am.”)'.

83
My thanks to Radio Tay for supplying the tape of this show. Bob was the guest co-host on
Ally Bally's Afternoon Delight
on 23 October 2007. Amongst various highlights is Bob's dedicating of a record to ‘anyone who was told that they were never going to achieve anything in life. If that turned out to be true, and you've not achieved anything in life, then I hope you at least enjoy this record.'

84
I recovered one of these posters from Bob's attic. I don't have much to say about it other than the fact that it's photographed overleaf.

In December 2007 I was reading a story in the paper about how the Football Associations of Scotland, England and Ireland were all looking for new managers for their football team. I showed the reactions of a python and banged out letters to the three of them. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think I'd get the job but I thought I'd get a wee letter back and then I could stick them all up in Stewpot's and everyone would give it You're Some Boy and Have You Heard What He's Done Now. Knockabout humour always gets a good reception, just ask Jeremy Beadle or Prince Philip, but I never got the replies so, once again, I was let down by other people not being on my wavelength.
⁸⁵

⁸⁶

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