Body, Ink, and Soul (21 page)

The car was parked right in front of the apartment. No matter the weather his car was always shining. It was his pride and joy, but I had to admit the car was freaking amazing. It fit him perfectly. A Mustang, which was pretty much all I knew.

Levi let go of my hand only when I sat in the car. After closing the door, he walked to his side, started the car and put it in drive and link his hand with mine again. "I know you probably feel like shit, but please don't think about it now. Give her some time to come around."

I knew Lev was trying to comfort me, but I knew, deep down she wouldn't come back or change her mind. It was over and done with. I changed the subject. "Why do you always ask me to hold your hand? It seems to be when something has you worried."

"I guess you noticed, then..." He raised an eyebrow. "It's a thing my mother used to do and... that day..." Levi struggled for words. "The car accident... when she realized the accident was going to happen. She grabbed my hand and held it with all her strength. She held my hand because it was all she had left. It all happened very fast. It's not something I like thinking about, you know, but she just wanted to show me her love and she tried so hard to protect me. After the impact, her hand was still holding mine, but the strength in her grip was gone. She was dead." He managed a tight smile. “I guess holding someone’s hand always makes me feel better, as though I’m helping them with my strength, like Mom did with me that day.”

"Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Lev, I love when you hold my hand." I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed the tips of his fingers. “It always make me feel better."

"I know, it's why Mom did it, too. We were very close."

"I'm sorry." My heart hurt for him. I was going through a similar loss to him, but it felt so different. My mother had never been really close to me. She wanted me to be someone I wasn't able to be. We’d always had a difficult relationship, and I couldn’t help but envy Levi his relationship with his Mom, even though he’d had to deal with his own traumas and grief. At least, his Mom had loved him unconditionally.

"Don't worry about it. Let’s try not to think about my mom or yours, today, okay? Let’s just try to think about us and how happy we are."

"Just the two of us," I squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. "You are the best boyfriend, ever." I offered him a warm smile.

He smiled back and I saw the pride in his eyes.

L
evi was working on a tattoo when I decided to call Carlson. I rang his cell phone, mainly to avoid the house phone and Mom, and also because I knew his cell phone was always on him, attached to his belt.

After the third ring, my hope of him answering began to diminish. I was about to hang up when I heard him speak. “Carlson Bennett
.”

I swallowed heavily. "Dad... I mean Carlson... It's me, Phoenix."

I could hear him breathing at the other end of the line, but he remained ominously silent.

"I’m sorry about everything. I know Jackie hates me. She hates me so much, she wants me out of her life. I'm still me, Carlson, the same girl. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I can."

"We understand that, Phoenix, but the moment you decided on this type of life, you rejected everything your mother and I have been trying to teach you. You threw everything into the trash without an ounce of empathy or understanding for our point of view."

I was stunned by his words. He stood on her side. He was going to disown me as well.

"I'm sorry... I never wanted to disappoint you like this. I only wanted to enjoy my life and be true to myself."

The words hurt me as I spoke them. It was like having to say sorry for being myself. I didn't want to cry here, in the tattoo studio. I held back the tears and kept the phone to my ear.

"This is not what we taught you and we don’t agree with the lifestyle you’ve chosen." His voice was cold and hard.

"You agree with her, and you don't want to hear from me again, is that right?" I questioned slowly.

"I believe this is the only way. I don't want to witness you wasting your life away. You’re old enough to live on your own this time. Move to a different state, get your whole body tattooed if you want. You’re on your own. Make the right decisions. Goodbye, Phoenix." I heard the line disconnect.
He was agreeing with her.

Their minds were made up, I was at fault and I had no chance of gaining their respect ever again. It hurt so much and I walked out of the studio, completely numb. Kyle was outside, having a cigarette by the door. He took one look at me and saw all the pain in my eyes and the tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't know if Levi had told him anything about my background, but he hugged me, holding me for a long time. It seemed weird to be crying in Kyle’s arms but he was being a good friend and it warmed my shattered heart.

Kyle stayed outside with me, until I was feeling a little better. The sky was grey and rain was expected later in the afternoon reflecting my mood.

Levi was probably worried about me and I didn't want him to be anxious while he worked. He needed his full attention on the tattoo he was doing, so I drew in a deep breath and drew myself out of Kyle’s arms.

"You know he’s fucking crazy for you." He lit another cigarette, eyeing me carefully. "He’ll do anything for you. Shit, he’s almost like a little puppy following you around."

I giggled. "He's so not like a puppy. He's a very strong man and I just love being around him. I'll never get tired of him."

"You better not, because I don't want to see him moping around all the freaking time." He chuckled. "I think you’re a good match for each other, you both have a lot in common."

"I love him, he’s an amazing guy and the attraction between us is... wow..."

He put his hands over his ears. "Hey, little girl - I don't need to know what's happening in your bedroom." He laughed and it made me blush. Talking with a guy was different from talking to my girlfriends. I needed to keep that in mind.

He placed an arm around my shoulder and gave me a quick squeeze. "Come on, let’s get back inside."

Levi was striding out the door as we made our way towards it. "You okay?" he asked, looking tense.

"I called my father... Carlson," I was struggling with what to the call the man I’d considered a father, but who’d now also abandoned me.

“I’m going to leave you two alone." Kyle winked at me and slipped back inside the shop.

"What did Carlson say?"

"He agrees with Mom. He doesn't think I'm making the right decisions with my life and he says I'm old enough to survive on my own now anyway." Saying the words out loud was hard. I no longer had a family, Levi, Bekka and Val were all I had that I could call family. At least, I wasn't alone. My friends cared about me and unless I did something utterly stupid, they wouldn't abandon me.

He pressed a kiss against my forehead. "I know you’re going through a rough time and I feel like I'm responsible. I’m so sorry, I truly am. "You have to know that you’ve got me, Nix. And Bekka, she loves you. Tyler, Val and Kyle too. Even Tiff. You’re not alone, Rock Star."

"I know you’re right. Maybe it was always Bekka and Val being my family. They’ve never judged me the way my parents have." I pulled on his t-shirt drawing him closer. I pressed my lips to his, needing to feel his strength. I inhaled deeply against his skin and his cologne was a pleasant reminder of our morning together. I would always crave that smell.

He was my happiness, my joy. My everything.

L
ate in the afternoon, while I was sitting in the reception at the tattoo shop, I emailed Val. I needed her advice and her point of view on the situation with Mom.

From: Nix Silverstone

To: Valerie

Subject: Hello from Seattle

Hey Val,

I miss you so much right now. I don't know if you’ve spoke with Bekka in the past day or two, but I'm going through hell. Mom found out about the new tattoo and she also caught me sleeping half-naked with Levi on the couch. Not what you think, but I’d just gotten the new tattoo (it’s freaking amazing) so I was just wearing underwear (because it also freaking hurts!). Anyway, Mom got really mad like she always does, but this time, it was even worse. She said some horrible things to Levi and I, and she’s cut all ties with me. She had the last of my belongings delivered to the apartment and even Carlson is taking her side. I talked to him this afternoon, tried to explain my side of the story, but he didn’t want to hear a word I said. So now they’re both refusing to talk to me and told me I’m making all the wrong choices. I’m trying to deal with all this shit, but it hurts. My heart hurts so badly, Val. You always seem to know what to do or say in these situations. I really need your help.

I know it's soon and everything, but I'm so in love with Levi. He is my angel. You and Bekka were right – he’s the perfect man for me and I should have listened to you both.

Nix xox

I pressed send and waited impatiently for her reply. She always had her phone or laptop with her, so I expected an answer sooner, rather than later. I missed her so much.

While I waited, I watched my love. Levi was concentrating, a deep ‘V’ creasing his forehead which made him look adorable. I was so proud of him and everything he’d accomplished in his life. He’d been through a lot too, had issues to deal with just as I had. His father had hoped Levi would become a brilliant lawyer like he had, and Levi did what was expected of him, but even after all the study, he’d decided to follow his heart and take a different path. I admired him for sticking to his principles. I couldn't imagine how much courage it must have taken to tell his dad and yet, they still talked to one another and had a good relationship with one another. My situation was so different. Mom and Carlson had never given me the option to be myself. When I’d finally moved in to the apartment, I’d started feeling independent and free for the first time in my life. I’d finally started living.

From: Valerie

To: Nix Silverstone

Subject: Re: Hello from Seattle—-Hey You!

Hey Nix,

You’re going through a rough time Nix, but keep the faith. Be strong. Your mother is angry and disappointed, but she can't stop loving you and I don’t believe she has. She will always love you, a Mom can’t turn off those feelings. Give her time. She might change her mind but knowing your Mom, she might not. Be prepared for either eventuality, Nix, and remember – this is your life.

Carlson...What can I say? He’ll do anything your mother says. I know you consider him your father and you love him too, but he will always pick your mother’s side first. This time, I don't think he felt he could help you, because your mom is so angry
.
Remember, he has to live with her. Nothing can make her understand that you’re still the same person, Nix, she’s frightened because of her background, but she has no right to press her beliefs on you. You’re a big girl now, and can make your own choices.

It’s so good to see you being yourself, to see you living YOUR life the way you want to. I just wish your mom could see how happy you are. Levi, the tattoos - it doesn’t change who you truly are and I love you for it.

Why don't you come for a visit?

ILY

Val xxx

Visit? She wanted me to visit her in Boston? Could I? The first thing which came to mind was Levi. I didn't think I would be able to stay away from him and the odds that he would be excited about this idea were not in my favor. We’d hadn’t been together for long, and I couldn’t imagine him being thrilled about me taking off to Boston, not when he couldn’t come with me. He had his business, he couldn’t just drop everything and take off. Chewing on my fingernail, I decided to wait a few days to see how I was doing. While the past twenty four hours had been traumatic, I needed to let things settle down, and not fly off on a tangent. Although the thought of travelling to Boston sounded fun, I’ve never been there and I would love to see Val. Definitely something to think about.

From: Nix Silverstone

To: Valerie

Subject: Re:Re: Hello from Seattle—-Hey You!

I’ll think about it.

Thank you for everything.

Missing you like crazy.

Nix xox

Maybe it could be fun to travel to the East coast. I had enough money and it might help settle my mind a little. The idea of going sound interesting and exciting. Bekka would probably come with me if I decided to go.

My angel finished his client’s tattoo about two hours later. He had one last appointment for the day. “Something small and boring for a college girl,” he’d said. It sounded like my star tattoo but I knew he would never say anything derogatory about it. That star was how we first connected. Small tattoos just weren’t very challenging for him. I needed to head off to work, so I took the bus home to get ready and left Levi to prepare for his last client for the day. He dropped a dizzying kiss on my lips as I left, promising to meet me at the club.

There weren't too many people at the club tonight, which was great as we had time to relax and talk a bit more than usual. Tiff was working tonight and I was growing really fond of her.