BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (96 page)

Ben had nodded accepting that that was all he was going to get out of Jake, his father; about the man, that he must have known was his father. Yet, he'd never treated him any different from Kevin or Paul, his real sons. In fact, reflecting back, there were times when he looked to him more, stroked his head affectionately just a bit more often. Laughed and teased them, with him - more. He, Jake, was their older brother at times. Sometimes, he was like an uncle. And while he was their father, he was more of an escort and driver for them if his grandma or one of their aunts couldn't pick them up and take them places, then he did. Having fun with them. Not like a father, not like an uncle, but an older brother, laughing at their antics, kidding around with them, only mildly correcting them when they needed it. He smiled thinking about Jake, wondering how many times had his grandma yelled and fussed at him for acting like one of them, joking and kidding around instead of being their dad.

Ben shook his head from the memory of it. And then there was Quincy and now - finally - after all these years, there was Shawn - his real father. All the men in his life, that surrounded him, were naturals when it came to being with, or over, other men's children. Jake had been the first example of it. His uncle Derrick had been the next example, taking on Derrick Jr. Quincy had followed being the most direct example, being a real, true, deep loving father to him and Kevin. Now, his very own father - Shawn - he saw was more father to Mundo and Crystal, than to him. He wondered, if that was part of the attraction to Crystal, her two boys? The familiar rightness of it displayed by family, made that something in him, feel at ease, at home, and touched to do likewise, it just felt natural. He realized that he was not only attracted to her, but to them, the boys as well. They were little magnets, little men, that needed a man in their lives, to hold them, teach them, guide them, mold them, and make them feel, loved. As much as he wanted Shawn, wanted his real father, the man whom he'd secretly hero worshipped, he had been loved, made to feel valued - because of Jake, because of his grandpa Bart, because of Quincy. Yet, he hadn't felt whole. With all that they'd done in bringing him up, there had still been a piece missing. He thought about Darren and Isaac. He could love them easily, in fact, already did. Even so, he also knew, because he'd been there, that nothing was quite like, being loved by the man you knew was your father. That man - was Victor. And he hated it!

He sat playing with the rings, jealous of Victor. Jealous of what he had. He hadn't a clue of how lucky he was. To have someone like Crystal, loving him, being loyal to him, despite his efforts to turn her away from him. He was jealous, because no matter how he loved his boys, they would always want him. Just as he had always wanted Shawn. He couldn't believe that he was actually going to let her divorce him. He couldn't believe it. He knew, that were it him, there was no way he could let her go. There was no way, she could take his boys and skip off out of town and he not come looking for her. No way. Because every single day of his boys lives, he would be there. There would be no time in between or weekend visits, to hell with that! He would be there every day, picking his boys up right after work. Them separated or not. Yet, his boys - didn't even miss him. To Ben, that alone said, he was not loving them, putting them first as he should, or else, they would want to go home, to be with him.

"You're some stupid fucker you!" He murmured about Victor. "You should be looking for your boys, demanding to know where they are and come looking for them, why aren't you? What are you doing man?!" Ben shook his head, thinking about himself as a young boy. He had a lot to draw on. His head shook because he was becoming entangled, involved and yes, possessive. He wanted, what Victor had and threw away. He wanted it all, the whole deal. And yet, he couldn't have it. He tossed the rings up and caught them. They made him think. He smiled. There was a reason he won those rings, there was a reason. He opened his palm and looked at them. The big one was his, the smaller one, hers - Crystal's. No other name, or face materialized when he looked at that ring, only her face. "I'm gonna wait for you Crystal Bella, I'm gonna wait for you, because - you - are worth, waiting for." He promised softly.

He heard the patio doors slid open and looked up to see his father, Shawn coming out there with him in his sights.

"Hey," He greeted his father.

"Hey," He greeted him in return, taking the seat next to him.

Ben reached down for the box, placing the rings inside. Shawn couldn't miss them. "What's that?"

"Rings, won them at the ball the other night."

"Really, lemme see?" He reached for them.

Sighing, Ben passed them over.

Shawn took one in hand, closely examining it. "Wow, that's some money. Their wedding bands." He stated the obvious.

"Yeah." Ben commented quietly agreeing.

Shawn looked over at him, "What are you gonna do with'em?" He asked, passing them back.

Ben took them, looked at them a moment, and then, put them away, it took him a moment to answer, but when he did, he was honest. "I'm gonna keep'em." He started and then, looked Shawn right in the eyes and said, "And if I'm lucky, one day, I'll be slipping that smaller one, on Crystal's finger." He held eye contact with his father, not turning away, because he wanted him to know, that he was serious about it.

"You - you've fallen in love with her." Shawn stated it as fact, he could see it.

"Yeah - her, and - those two little boys. I ah, know why - why you love her, Mundo, the way you do. I know why, you get something so powerful and moving, back, from giving to them. I can't explain it, I just know - it feels good. Today, this morning, when I held Darren in the pool, his little arms were around my neck and his little head, was next to mine, trusting me, holding onto me, depending on me - and he uh, whispered in my ear, in that little babies voice of his, he said, 'lov'you Ben'amin.'" Telling Shawn about it choked him up. He looked away from him. Shawn sat staring at his son, his son! Yes, right then, at that moment, in that very second, he knew that he was all he would have wanted, any son he raised to be. He both envied Quincy and made a point of remembering to thank him when he returned.

He lifted his hand, a bit hesitant, but then followed through and grasped the back of Ben's neck, squeezing it, rubbing his shoulder and back as he'd done Mundo many times. Why he felt more comfortable doing it to Mundo, than Ben, he couldn't explain - but he suddenly realized that he needed to be comfortable with this son as well. He caressed and rocked him a bit in compassion, "You - you young man, you are - a good son. You, make a father, proud. I promise you, I will let Quincy know that."

That made Ben smile looking back to Shawn, "What about Jake?"

"What about Jake, huh? Well, I guess I owe him some thanks too, huh?"

"Yeah, because he was there for me, no matter what, if I called, he came."

Shawn gave his neck one more fatherly squeeze and nodding, stated, "I'm glad to hear that. And uh, I need you to know, had I known, as I've stated before, I would have been there for you. Everyday, of your life, I would have been, right there. You and I, father and son - nothing - and I do mean nothing, would have kept me from you."

Ben eyes filled, he nodded, "Thanks for, saying that."

"I say it, because I mean it. And..." Shawn took a deep breath. This had been on his mind ever since his talk with Crystal, "And ... I'm aware, that you know, about my past life here, in porn; Crystal told me that Oscar T., taunted you with it."

"Yeah, I know." Ben looked from him to the ground between his feet.

"I supposed you're ashamed of me now?" Shawn asked.

Ben sat a moment, thinking about it. Not in a hurry to deny or confirm. After a few moments, letting it go through his mind, all that he could think to say at the moment was, "What are you going to do, when grandpa finds out? You know it's only a matter of time, right?" He looked back at Shawn.

The very thought of it, sent a bolt of lightening hot fear through Shawn. He didn't want his father to ever find out. Yet, he knew that he was being unreasonable. It truly was, only a matter of time, and then when it happened, then what? What would he do? How, was he going to face his father, knowing what he'd done, what he'd taken part in. Just to imagine it, made him ill. He sat back in the chair, trying to ease the rush of nausea, staring out at the pool.

Ben sat up gazing with absolute rapt attention, and for the first time, he could actually see - a scared little boy in his father's eyes, his face. To see it, blew him away. And then he thought about Sylvia, the things she said to him about his grandfather. He couldn't accept that his grandfather was anything like the picture she painted of him, but this look on Shawn's face, made him doubt his staunch refusal to see that he might have - just maybe - been mistreated. Then another piece fell into place - there was a reason - that he ran. It suddenly occurred to him, that even though his father was 18 years old, he had indeed, run away from home. For years! Years! In all the time he had been away, it had taken him 14 years to come back home, and then, just for a visit with his wife, Deidre and their toddler daughter, Angela. They hadn't stayed long, just a week. And then 5 years later, he came back again, just him and Angela, that time, once more - for a visit - short and sweet. And finally, the last time he came back, it was to stay. 22 years away, 3 visits, Ben couldn't reason out how that would be, with someone who was cherished and adored, loved and guided by his father; someone like that, didn't - run from him.

"You okay?" He asked Shawn.

Shawn, nodded, then followed it up, "Yeah - I'm okay."

"It's ah, okay you know."

Shawn turned to look at him, "What's okay?"

"Your uh, past - the porn. I don't care, about that. Doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, we all make mistakes, we all do things, that we later regret, right?"

"Yeah." Shawn answered simply.

"I mean, all that really matters, is - well - family. Sticking together, no matter what. We might, argue, fight, get mad at one or the other - irritate one another now and then, but in the end, as McPhersons, we stick together, right? Fathers, sons, brothers, uncles and grandfather, we're in this together. So - that's all that matters." He said slowly. Shawn nodded once more, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "That, those words, that's what grandpa said ... he said that. You're back with us now, the oldest son, that above all else, is the most important thing to grandpa ... not ... the mistakes you made while you were away. You should - tell him. Get it over with." He advised, then stood, "I'm gonna head off to bed now."

Shawn nodded and stood as well, "Thanks for that."

"No problem." Ben smiled, turning away.

"Ben." Shawn called to him.

He looked back, "Give her some time. Right now, she needs to be with me, and her mother. Be her friend first, be there for her when she needs you, and the rest, will happen on it's own. Besides, don't forget you have a girl, Gail, right?"

Ben exhaled, "Not any more - I want Crystal and I'm going to do everything in my power, to get her, be there for her. For the boys."

Shawn nodded, "That's my boy."

Monday morning, Chicago/Wisconsin...

The phone was ringing.

Vivian turned over with bleary, dry, scratchy eyes - a sure indication that it was not time to be up yet. She squinted to try and focus on the time as she fumbled for the phone. Picking it up, she pressed the talk button, her voice groggy from sleep, "Hello?"

"Oh, you're awake!"

"Jake?" She groaned and then whimpered, turning to her back in bed.

"Yes Jake! I'm getting ready to leave for work! Hey, you make sure-..."

"What time is it?" She interrupted to ask, yawning.

"4:30 - I'm getting ready to head out the door for work. I just called to tell you to make sure-..."

"It's 4:30 Jake? 4:30 in the morning? As in, a.m. 4:30 in the morning?"

"Yeah yeah yeah, listen! You make sure to tell him, Paul to be careful with my truck! Make sure he reports to Sheila and is there to pick you up at the L station when you're off work! And tell him, don't make any more promises to anyone else! I'd like to help more, but dammit, I have to get our home done! Ready for when you come up, so I can't be back and forth there helping other people when our own home is not even livable! What he wants to do up there this week, he's gonna have to be happy with until the house here is done! Once our home is where I'll be satisfied, then - then I don't mind driving up there, helping someone else out, you make sure he knows that, you hear me Lil'girl?!"

A low, soft snore was the reply back.

"VIVIAN!"

His strong deep voice shouting her name startled her awake, "What?!"

"Did you hear anything I just said to you?!" He demanded.

"Uh huh, I heard." She mumbled turning on her side.

"What did I say?"

"What you said, you said what you said." She mumbled, her words barely discernible.

"What was that?" He asked back.

"Ah - ah - Paul, ah - aaaah - aaah, it's 4:30 in the mornin' Jake! I can't be expected to hear nothin' no 4:30 in the morning!" She whined with a tiny, body tantrum, too sleepy to care what he was talking about.

"Vivian! You tell that boy, keep his trap shut! No more lining up more work for me, or him! You hear me! VIVIAN?"

"What?!" She screeched, having another jerky fit in the bed.

"Sit up! Sit up in that bed and listen to what I'm telling you! Sit up right now!"

"You don' loss yo'min' ... I ain't sittin' up nothin', I'm 'bout to hang up this phone on you."

"You hang up this phone on me-..."

"And i's just gone be hung up - tha's all!" She mumbled some more, "Shoot, I'm sleepy."

"Yeah, I can see it now! When you get here, won't be any of that sleeping the day away! It'll be up before the sun, to get our day started." He teased, grinning, now outside on the bike, "Vivian? Vivian Cooke, soon to be McPherson! Wake up and talk to your future husband! Get out of that bed, and tell that boy-..." He threw his head back and roared laughing from the sudden click of the phone. Shaking his head grinning, his stood and stepped on the crank pedal starting the bike, turning it, he roared out of the driveway, a smile on his face, looking forward to the day, she was there and with him for good.