Bondage (28 page)

Noah moved back to him, settling against his chest. "Fear and anger don't have any place in police work."

"No. But they do have a place in your heart and mind. You're a cop, but you're a man."

"I'm not afraid."

"I would have been," Tobias said. "I was. I was terrified."

"Oh, Jesus." Noah sighed. "I'm sorry, baby," he said and pressed closer. "I'm so sorry."

"Will you stop that?" Phan said, coming in with a tray.

Tobias smiled. "Yes. Stop that. You're not responsible for my response to getting a call that you were in a shooting. That smells wonderful, Phan."

Phan nodded and put the tray down then leaned over and kissed Noah hard. "I'm glad you're still here," he whispered roughly.

Noah reached out and put an arm around Phan's neck before he could get away. "Oh, shit, me, too, hon," he sniffled.

Tobias nodded and let Phan take things into his own hands. His boys were perfectly capable of using a power cuddle for emotional release; the only difference was who needed it this time.

"Sir called me, and then I called a cab and I just sat down and cried," Phan whispered. "I was so freaked, so fucking worried about you. And then we heard your voice and you were upset and I just wanted to crawl on the bed with you and touch you and--"

"What? I told that stupid orderly to tell Tobias I was okay." Noah's voice sounded rough now, too. "Damn it, don't you make me cry."

"What's wrong with crying?" Phan asked, tears starting to stream down his face. "You're alive and here and I can hold onto you. Best thing in the world to cry about."

"Oh, God." Noah turned their cuddle into a full-blown bear hug. "Here I am all worried about Carol's kids, I wasn't even thinking what I'd put you two through. I'm so sorry." Genuine tears rolled down Noah's cheeks now. "Fuck." Noah swallowed.

"You didn't put us through anything," Phan insisted. "Stop saying you're sorry. I'm just... God. It was scary, Noah. But part of me wants to hang onto that fear a bit."

Tobias raised an eyebrow, used to the way Phan's mind jumped around from idea to idea and emotion to emotion. He didn't say anything, just watched and waited.

Noah pulled back a bit, giving Phan some room. "What? Why?"

Phan wiped his eyes. "Jolt, you know? Makes you think. Puts shit in perspective and... just... God, I'm glad you're okay, baby."

Noah hugged Phan close again. "I'm okay. Promise. I love you."

Tobias smiled and leaned back again. That hadn't taken as long as he'd figured. Only a few months, really; or a few hours, depending on how one counted.

Phan, on the other hand, went utterly still. "What?"

Noah let Phan go again, looking a little shocked himself for a moment. But then he smiled and touched Phan's cheek. "I said I love you, hon." He swallowed and went on. "It's been building, I sort of knew it was there. I'm not sure exactly when that became clear to me finally, maybe when I saw you with Tobias today at the hospital. Nothing like a good whack on the head to clear your vision."

Phan nodded, apparently unable to speak.

"You can tell him, dear," Tobias prodded gently. "Really."

Phan nodded again and swallowed. "That's what I mean," he whispered. "Makes things clear. Love Sir, you know that. And I love you."

"Well, damn, it's a good thing I got smacked in the head today or we might never have had this conversation." Noah smiled weakly and kissed Phan. "Thanks, hon," he said more seriously. "I needed to know that."

Phan shook his head frantically. "Not good! Not at all! Your poor head. Oh! You need to eat, I made broth, and then we can cuddle and you can talk if you want, but you have to eat--"

"Phan," Tobias said gently. "What do you need?"

"A good hard smack?"

Tobias rolled his eyes and pulled Phan close, kissing him deeply. "Will that do, boy?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you," Phan said, taking a deep breath. "Wow." He blinked a few times and leaned closer. "He loves me," he whispered to Tobias, grinning from ear to ear.

"I know," Tobias whispered back. "And if you're good and get the soup served I might even let you sleep in the same room tonight."

"This day has been a nightmare," Noah sighed and leaned back into Tobias again.

Tobias nodded. "I know, sweetheart. I have a suggestion."

"Start drinking?" Noah joked.

"No," Tobias smiled. "Though you know I'm going to go outside and smoke after I call Dee. No, I suggest we drink our broth, eat our sandwiches, take turns snuggling and cuddling, and just... talk. Not about the day or what happened or anything in particular, unless it comes up. Just be us. Be secure and loved and somewhere safe. If you want to talk, we're here. If you don't, we're still here. And we'll be here when it's the right time for you, pet."

Noah nodded. "Like family," he said simply and sipped his broth.

"Like family," Tobias agreed. "Oh, there were two police officers at the hospital. They took us to you, didn't wait for an answer when they asked if we were related, thank goodness, because at that point I was willing to say you were my husband if they'd have let me in any faster."

"I'd have been fine with it if you had," Noah looked at him. "Really."

"Can you be that out at work?" Tobias asked seriously.

"Can I? Sure. Should I? I might catch some flack for it, but I can't be the only one." Noah shrugged and sipped his broth. "Maybe it's time."

"A little flack is one thing, sweetheart," Tobias said. "Getting the crap beaten out of you is another. There's a world of difference between being a very wealthy large-animal vet who's out and being a cop in a closed system."

"Or being me!" Phan put in, waving a hand.

"Or being you," Tobias agreed.

"Oh, yes, it's so difficult being you," Noah teased in a woeful tone. "Knocking about the house all day lounging and eating chocolate while your men are out bringing home the bacon, being spanked and tied up so well it makes you squirm, getting enough sex to satisfy a rabbit..." He grinned and sipped his broth again.

"Hey, I haven't gotten off in almost... oh. At least ten hours." He had the grace to look abashed, Tobias noted.

"This morning?"

Phan nodded. "Kinda had a shower together before Noah left for work. And nice deflection of the topic, Noah."

"You liked that, did you?" Noah looked at Tobias. "It was a quick shower. Really."

"I had cold coffee," Tobias said sadly.

"You're working too hard."

Tobias shrugged. "It's my job. I do miss you both, though. Quite a lot, actually. It will slow down soon, I promise."

"We're not the ones operating on four hours of sleep a night, baby." Noah put a hand on Tobias' knee.

"All right, I promise myself it will slow down," Tobias said with a grin. "And I promise each of you a large chunk of time chained to my bed. Better?"

Phan rolled his eyes.

"Is that my cue to shut up and be subby?" Noah leaned up and kissed him.

"You can do whatever you want," Tobias said expansively, grinning.

Phan snorted and looked around the room. "You know, I don't think I've ever been in here fully clothed before."

Tobias chuckled and kissed Noah again. "Drink your broth."

Noah sipped his broth dutifully, then grinned at Tobias. "Yeah, why does he have his clothes on?"

"Because if he was naked he'd want sex, I suppose," Tobias said.

"Or a bath," Phan said slyly. "Can I use the tub?'

Tobias rolled his eyes. "What do you think, Noah? Naked, wet Phan?"

"My favorite kind."

Tobias pretended to think about it. "Well, I don't know..."

"I won't put bubbles in this time," Phan promised.

Tobias stared.

"Um. Oops."

Tobias looked at Noah. "Do you know anything about this?"

"Nothing, sir," Noah said seriously.

Tobias gave him a hard look. "Noah?"

Phan sighed. "I'm here a lot. Alone. I can only clean so much, you know. So I had a bubble bath. It was... exciting."

Noah looked shocked but amused. "Do you think I'm lying, sir?"

"I wondered. Now I'm wondering just how exciting this bath was. Seeing as how he's not allowed to get off alone and all."

Noah half-hid behind his mug. "All I did was leave the bubbles near the tub."

Phan nodded. "He wasn't here. He didn't even help me clean up."

"Clean up."

"There was a lot of water in the tub..."

"So you... used a lot of bubbles."

"And the jets..."

"Oh, dear."

"Won't happen again, sir."

"I wouldn't think so." Noah finished his broth and set the mug down.

"No bubbles," Phan promised.

Tobias looked at them both, trying not to laugh. "All right, have a bath," he relented.

"Yay!" Phan bounced up and started filling the tub with hot water, his clothes flying off. He was, not surprisingly, half hard. "Noah? Come with? Make it fun..."

"Oh," Noah shook his head. "I can't get these stitches wet, hon. I'll have to watch and snuggle with Sir." He seemed perfectly happy with that solution.

Phan looked unsurprised. "Okay," he said, watching the water rise and rubbing his thigh. Tobias thought he looked rather adorable.

"So, what happens next?" he asked Noah. "I assume you have time off -- do you have to meet with your shift supervisor?"

"We didn't discuss it. They told me to go home and call them tomorrow. I'm assuming there will be counseling I'll have to do and mandatory leave of some kind. And then I'll be back on shift before Carol so I don't know what they'll do with me. I guess we'll see."

Tobias nodded and watched Phan shut off the water and turn it back on. "Okay. If your head is clear tomorrow you can take the car, of course. If not, you'll have to drag the bathing beauty out of the tub and have him chauffeur you. Oh, and you'll be at the hospital, too, I assume?"

"I definitely want to stop by to see her for a while. Talk, you know?"

"Of course." Tobias kissed him again, then watched Phan finally climb in the tub, the water still running. "Does it always take this long to fill?"

"It's a huge tub. Plus you have to watch it to make sure the water stays the right temp until you turn the jets on. It's so worth it though." Noah sighed. "Okay, now I'm getting tired."

"You can't sleep, baby," Tobias said gently. "What would wake you up?"

"I'm not sleepy so much, just heavy. Body-tired, you know? Scratch my back?" Noah grinned.

Tobias snorted. "I don't think so, boy. Get Phan to do it when he's all waterlogged and wrinkly." He shifted Noah a bit and sat up straighter. "Talk to him for a bit, pet. I'm going to make some calls and get some water bottles. We'll be up for a bit."

Phan made a happy noise in the tub. "We need a rubber duck."

Tobias looked at him and then at Noah. "Bradford's right. I'm getting old," he muttered, leaving the room. He added calling Bradford to his mental list; he'd know where to get adult duckies.

It didn't take Noah long to stop trying to assign blame to himself. When he saw Carol the very next morning, she smiled at him and waved him over. Her voice was a little raspy but she was able to talk with him a while. She was completely herself and seemed to be handling it all far better than he was. She told jokes about what a lousy shot the guy was, and that she hoped she'd done better. That was the first he knew that she'd fired her weapon, and it gave them hope of finding the guys if they turned up in an emergency room. She laughed at Noah for getting himself hit on the head, and he hadn't been there half an hour before he was laughing himself.

Her husband came by with the kids while he was there. Noah wanted to apologize to him too, but Ken shook Noah's hand and had kind things to say, and the kids wanted to see his stitches, and both of them thought their mother was a hero. By the time he left the hospital that afternoon he felt a great deal better.

It was a shame that his first day of counseling didn't go as well.

He'd come home surly and irritable and for the first time since they'd signed their new contract, Noah asked Tobias for the night off. He spent it behind closed doors in his room; he just couldn't deal with having to be civilized company.

The buttons the counselor was pushing went right to what Tobias had tried to get him to talk about -- fear, anger, and his own competence. It got better over the course of the week as he accepted that wanting to rip the shooters' heads off with his bare hands for hurting Carol was perfectly normal under the circumstances. He shouted and threw things and paced the room; he cried and told the counselor that he felt real fear for the first time since he left the academy -- fear about getting back into the squad car, fear about letting Carol down again, and fear about getting hurt, or killed, himself.

But all that ranting was cathartic, and though he'd asked Tobias to keep the weekend low-key, he'd been able to trust him. He'd been able to spend most of Saturday in his space, serving Tobias in more mundane ways than usual, but it had been good. He'd regained some sense of self, some confidence, and, much to his own relief, his sex drive.

He'd been looking forward to his Tuesday evening with Phantom. He always did, but this time was different. With Tobias, he wanted and needed to serve. Recently, he'd needed to be sure of his footing and his place, and he hadn't asked for much for himself. With Phan it was easier to be selfish; he could ask for things if he needed them, like asking a friend, or a brother.

He'd been home all day. He was only due in for counseling twice this week, Wednesday and Friday, and then Monday they were putting him back in a car with a temporary partner until Carol recovered. It would be slow going, but she insisted that she would be back.

The hardest thing he'd had to think about all day was what to have for dinner.

Phan came home whistling, the tune just off-key enough to be vaguely annoying, but the sound of it happy. Noah heard him putting his coat away and then the whistling grew to a rousing crescendo as Phan wandered through the living room to the kitchen.

"Hey, kiddo," Phan said cheerfully as he came in. "I had a great day, I'm mildly horny, and I think we should order pizza." The last was whispered in Noah's ear as Phan got close enough to kiss his cheek.

Noah smiled and turned his head to catch Phan's lips with his own. "Oh, thank goodness, I was just standing here staring into the cabinets blankly. Pizza sounds perfect. And Coke. And you for dessert."

"Mmm." Phan grinned and chased his mouth for another kiss. "Perfect. Going to try the spinach this time?"

"I told you, I hate spinach. How about mushrooms? Will you call? I don't feel like dealing with people."

Noah watched Phan move around the kitchen. He must have had a good day in therapy, if all that whistling was any indication. He looked great, too. He'd put on some weight, his skin was smooth and healthy; even his spiky, unruly hair was looking thicker. It suited him well, this new lifestyle, and that suited Noah just fine, too.

Phan wiggled his butt as he picked up the phone. "I shall deal with that pesky humanity for you, and even buy the pizza. Then you and I, kitten, will settle down and see if we can tend your bruised nerves." Phan nodded firmly and dialed their favorite pizza joint, dancing to something only he could hear.

"I keep telling Sir we need a radio in the kitchen," Noah said softly, while Phan ordered the food. He wasn't sure Phan could hear him, but it amused him all the same.

Kitten. That was a new one. It was sort of cute in that "only Phan could get away with it" kind of way. If anyone else tried to call him "kitten" he'd probably deck them. He went to the fridge and took out a bottle of Coke.

"Be about half an hour," Phan said, dancing over to him. "I think it's the floor. It invites dancing. Plus! Dr. Brewer and I decided to drop down to once a week for the next while, and are looking to go to twice a month. That's dancing feelings." Phan pulled both him and the Coke bottle close. "Sugar and you -- my Tuesday joys."

"Twice a month!" Well that was excellent news. Noah didn't have anything personal against Dr. Brewer, but it seemed to him that most of Phan's issues had been solved by a stable living arrangement, people who cared about him, and a solid contract. "That
is
dancing feelings." He scooped Phan and his Coke bottle into his arms and danced him out into the hall.

Laughing, Phan tried to steer them to the couch in the living room. "I can't lead!" he giggled. "I'm such a sub."

"Oh, let me lead, I'm the switch, remember?" Noah didn't really consider himself a switch as such, but he fit the bill better than Phan did, that was for sure. He spun Phan around and dumped him on the couch. "I was going to ask how your therapy went. I take it that it was good. Oh! Glasses!"

He ducked briefly into the kitchen and returned with two glasses filled with ice.

"
My
therapy was fine," Phan said, taking a glass and reaching for the Coke. "Tell me how yours is going." He looked at Noah expectantly before opening the bottle, holding it out as it hissed loudly. "Oops. Dancing and Coke don't mix."

Noah waved his hand. "They want me back on my rounds on Monday. They're assigning me a new partner until Carol is back on her feet."

Phan nodded, eyeing the fizzy soda as he poured them each a glass. "Uh-huh. That'll be weird, riding with someone else."

"Riding with someone else, yeah. Riding at all, too. I got the falling-off-a-horse speech, and I guess the shrink is right, but it doesn't feel right going back without Carol. She's... my other half, you know? We had a great thing going." What he should have said was that he trusted Carol. They were close. He wasn't sure how long it would take him to trust someone new.

Phan nodded again and sat back. "It's hard working with someone new, learning to trust -- hell, it's like trying a new top. That first time is always scary as fuck, not knowing the signals and not really trusting. The basics are all there, but the relationship isn't."

Phan could be so clever and observant. Noah picked up his glass and sat back with him. "It is like that. It's just like that. Not sure how we'll work together, how we'll get along, Hell, I don't even know whether or not I should tell him I'm into men. I mean with Carol there's no threat there, right? But a male partner? Well." Noah shrugged. Well, indeed. He stared into his glass, missing Carol even more now.

"Is that something you want to decide before you even meet the guy?" Phan asked, his head tilted to the side. "Hey! Tell him you're married and have a hot little thing on the side."

Noah laughed. "Well, that would be the truth, wouldn't it?" He looked at Phan. "No, I don't want to decide that now, it's just... stuff I'm worrying about. Stuff on my mind."

"Oh, I get that, kitten." Phan held out his hand, palm up. "Come sit with me and spill your guts. I owe you venting time by the metric ton."

Noah took his hand and cuddled into Phan. It was a change, all right. It felt odd, but comfortable. "I just hate being insecure. Especially when none of it is rational, really, you know? I mean, I know it, I do. But I still feel... I still feel like I'm walking on ice."

Phan rubbed Noah's arm and wormed that hand under until he could touch Noah's belly instead. "Doesn't have to be rational to feel that way. And when you get back to it, maybe that slippery feeling will go away. Maybe just the routine of it all will make you more comfortable."

"I hope so. I mean, that's what the shrink said, too. That's exactly what he said. You've had way too much therapy." Noah laughed softly, but Phan's embrace felt good, it felt better coming from him than it did from a head doctor. He took Phan's hand in his and pushed it up under his shirt.

"I have," Phan agreed, the grin clear in his voice. "Still. Never been through anything like what happened to you." Phan's hand stroked over his skin, warm and gentle. Teasing. "I couldn't do your job. I admire you, you know?"

"Oh, stop. Anyway, I'm not even sure
I
can do my job anymore."

"That bad?" Phan said sympathetically. "I admire you for a lot more than your job, kitten." Phan's hand stilled, palm flat on Noah's belly. "Talk to me."

"It's just a big 'what if.' What if I fuck up? What if I can't handle it? What if this guy's a complete asshole?" Noah sighed. "What if I can't get over this?"

"Then you move on," Phan said quietly. "But you have to try, Noah. You have to give it your best shot, or you'll always wonder."

"I know, I know." He sighed. "I know. And I want to, I do."

"Sure?" Phan asked, starting to rub again, his hand sliding easily. "You sound tired to me. Worried."

"Worried, yeah. Concerned, apprehensive, moderately terrified -- call it what you will. What I'm tired of is feeling this way. So I hope getting back in the car on Monday fixes this." It should. Everyone said it would. He wanted to believe it, too.

Phan nodded. "You need distracting. And pizza. And to just take a break from worrying."

"That," Noah turned and looked over his shoulder at Phan, "is exactly what I need; a change of subject, a better way to spend my time, something else to think about. And food."

And right on cue, the doorbell rang.

"I didn't need that fucking doorbell, however." Noah almost fell off the couch laughing.

"Need it?" Phan squeaked. "We're damn lucky he didn't cane us over that thing." Phan ran to the door, pulling his wallet from his back pocket. "Needs a mute button!"

"What if I accidentally broke it?" Noah followed Phan out into the hall and then headed back to the kitchen for plates. "Oops! I don't know what happened, I accidentally stuck a screwdriver in it. Sorry, sir!" He chuckled and got plates out of a cabinet.

"Oh, only if I get to watch your punishment. I swear to God, I almost died when he said he'd picked it out himself." Phan put the box on the table and went to get the napkins.

"And then Master Bradford and Master Luca loved it! What was that about? I wanted to shake sense into them both." Noah dug right in, pulling a piece from the box onto his plate.

"Maybe it's a Dom thing. A musical tribute to their balls?"

"Are you trying to make me choke?" Noah laughed. "Though maybe you're right. Maybe it is an eccentric top thing. Are you saying we should think it's cute instead of loathsome?"

Phan smirked and started in on his own pizza. "No, I'm saying we should feel sorry for them. You and I are utterly secure in our natures as sexual beings -- don't need a theme song, just a little leather."

"And a good flogger." Noah winked and took a bite. "Theme song." He snorted. "I'm never going to get that out of my head now."

"
Dancing Queen
?" Phan suggested around a mouthful of pizza. "
Macho Man
?
It's Raining Men
?"

"
YMCA
?" Noah had to put his pizza down he was laughing so hard. When he could breathe again he shook his head and smiled at Phan. "Whoo. God, I needed that."

Phan looked shocked. "
YMCA
? Oh, please. If that's our theme song I need a new act. Finish your pizza like a good boy and stop being silly."

"Not ours, theirs. Ours would be something more like
Too Sexy
." Noah took the last few bites of his pizza and followed it with a gulp of Coke.

"Oh, well that makes sense." Phan nodded and grabbed another piece of pizza. "Come on, eat. Your dessert is getting hard."

Noah laughed. "I'm done. God, if I eat any faster I'll be useless to you." He closed the pizza box. "See? So, how hard are you exactly?"

Phan waved his hand in the air as he chewed. "Not bursting out of my jeans yet, but definitely needing room. Kind of... oh, okay. Now I'm about to burst out of my jeans. It's like my dick suddenly realized it's going to get happy."

"You are such a slut." Noah poured himself more Coke. "So where do you want to do it? Shower? Hot tub? Sir's bed?" Noah grinned, speaking in as unaffected a tone as he could manage, despite the fact that his own prick was suddenly getting the wake-up call. "Kitchen counter?"

Phan had stopped in mid-chew. "We can't do it in Sir's bed!" He looked completely shocked at the idea. "That'd be... no, we can't. Damn you." He reached for a napkin and started wiping off his fingers. "That's very naughty, kitten."

"Was that in the rules? 'No fucking in Sir's bed'? I don't remember that... and where did this kitten thing come from?"

Phan shrugged and undid his jeans. "Don't know, just came out. Do you hate it?"

"No, no. From you? No." Noah bent over and kissed Phan on the nose. "It's sweet."

"Cool. And I don't think there's a rule, really, it just seems... naughty." He shivered and ran his hand up the inside of Noah's leg.

"It is naughty." Noah grinned. "Very naughty." Naughty was always such a turn-on. He slid off the couch and started backing slowly toward the hall. "So are you coming with me or am I going to have to be naughty all by myself?"

"You're not
allowed
to be naughty by yourself," Phan pointed out with a grin. He stood up, one hand almost inside his open fly as he walked forward.