Bonds of Desire (20 page)

She knew what he meant. The three of them together. She didn’t even pretend to understand her feelings. “No.” But the thought of letting them both go, of not having this closeness with them ever again tore a ragged cut of confusion through her. “Yes. I don’t know.” The conflicting emotions turned her voice to mush. “How can we? It’s not even close to accepted or condoned.”

“And that matters?” Although his tone hadn’t changed, there was an added stiffness to his words.

She had to be honest, even though it hurt to say. “Yes.”

He tilted her chin up, assessing her in a way she’d grown to understand. It was as if he never quite believed what he saw on the surface. “So it’s like Tyler said. We’ve been in a bubble for days, and going back to the real world means the end? For all of us?”

She kissed him softly on the lips. How could she explain? “This wasn’t normal by any means, and my decision to come back wasn’t done lightly. But we’re all so different.”

“That wasn’t a problem this past week.”

“Because we never left,” she insisted at the challenge in his tone. But he was right. Their differences had only brought them closer. Until now. She took a breath, holding the air until her lungs burned and the threat of tears diminished. She wet her lips and whispered, “I don’t know where we go from here.”

He pulled her close, and she soaked up his warmth, stealing every moment that she could. Her stomach ached and churned when she thought of the hurt and betrayal on Tyler’s face. No matter their intentions, they’d wronged him.

“Do you think he’ll ever forgive us?” She pressed into Seth, the remorse bitter in her mouth.

“I don’t know.” He held her tighter, his voice thick. “Do you?”

She swallowed, struggling against the truth. “We meant well, but Tyler was right. We should’ve talked to him.” Her chest tightened with the admission.

“He wouldn’t have taken our help.” He pulled back, his expression pained yet firm. “He might hate me, but I don’t regret what I did.”

“It wasn’t just you. We’re both responsible.” She might not have known all the details, but she’d been a part of it too. “Why didn’t you tell me about the loan-shark debt?”

“I didn’t want you involved.” He stepped away from her, the sudden loss of his warmth sinking into her bones. “There was too much risk. The less you knew—
know
—the better.”

He was trying to protect her, just like with Tyler. She understood that, yet his secrecy stung. And it was only a fraction of what they’d kept from Tyler. The full depth of their betrayal sunk in with each shuddering breath. “He’s done with us.”

Seth hung his head, his eyes closing. “Probably.” He looked at her and asked the question she’d been avoiding. “Are we done?”

Were they? She didn’t want to say the next words, but she forced them out. “Is there really an us with him?” She wiped at her tears and tried to blink them back. “This relationship was built with the three of us. I don’t—” she cleared her throat, “—I don’t think it’ll work with just two. Not now. We’d always know he was missing.”

He sniffed and stared out the windows. The sunny day glared too brightly for the dismal mood in the room. “Right.”

She’d known the end was coming, yet somewhere during her time at the loft she’d forgotten that. Her mindset had switched from having fun to wanting...more. It was her own fault. She’d lost her perspective, and now she had to right it.

She walked away, brisk steps taking her to the bedroom and her bag. Her clothes were neatly organized, almost untouched since she’d arrived. The times she’d needed clothes, she’d worn one of Seth’s shirts. She changed into her capris and a tank top and had her stuff repacked in minutes. His shirt included.

Maybe if she buried herself in her real life, she’d be able to forget them. But how? Seth and Tyler had filled a part of her she hadn’t recognized was empty. They’d shown her how strong she could still feel, even when she gave in to her desire to be...cherished. The thought of going back to her solitary apartment and insulated, career-focused life seemed increasingly lonely.

The wheels on her suitcase rolled loud and hollow as she pulled it through the open space of the living room. Seth stood near the front door, his eyes focused toward the windows. The angled grace of his profile could have been chiseled from stone.

She was slipping her sandals on before he finally spoke. “None of this was ever a game. Someone always loses when you play games, and I don’t want to lose either of you.” He looked at her then, but his emotions remained hidden. “Maybe we all need the space to figure out what we really want.”

Her stomach clenched around the feelings she’d tried so hard to suppress. What she really wanted couldn’t happen. Even if Tyler had stayed, would she have been strong enough to withstand the opinions of the outside world? She didn’t honestly know.

“Here.” He held out a small piece of paper. “It’s our cell numbers. Tyler might be more receptive to you. Maybe you can contact him in a few days. See if he’s okay.”

She took the paper, glancing briefly at the numbers before stuffing the paper in her purse. “I will. I have some contacts who could help him if he responds.”

He nodded, relief dropping through his shoulders. “Thank you.”

There didn’t seem to be anything left to say, so she grabbed her suitcase and opened the front door. It was better to just to go.

“Let me know. Okay, Allie?” It was the note of vulnerability that had her turning back to him. “If you hear from him? Let me know.”

How could she not? “Of course.”

The chill eased into her with each step she took down the hallway. She slung on her coat as she waited for the elevator, but it didn’t stop the full-body shiver that attacked her. When she’d decided to come back to the loft, she’d thought she’d been completely prepared for what would happen. It was a bit humbling to realize how wrong she’d been.

The high
ding
signaled the arrival of the elevator moments before the doors slid open. Once again she was taken back to what seemed like ages ago when she’d stepped on the same elevator and swore she’d protect Tyler.

Well, they’d done that. Only they may have hurt him more in the process.

She looked up as the doors slid closed to catch Seth watching her from his doorway. Her chest constricted, her breath stalling around the shock of pain. Hidden within the safety of the elevator, she could let the truth come out.

They’d done so much more than hurt Tyler. Somehow, they’d managed to hurt them all.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Seth stood on the edge of the crowded room, few of the patrons daring to glance his way as they passed. He recognized many of them from The Den. The leather community was tight, even in an area the size of the Twin Cities. It was his job to know who attended what clubs.

The Roundhouse attracted an edgier crowd. Its name stemmed from the turntable in the center of the room that rotated the St. Andrew’s cross for all to see. It was currently occupied by a larger woman, her master proudly working her over for all to watch. From Seth’s angle, he could see that she was clearly into it. Her face had passed into the slack, accepting glaze that usually came when a submissive was floating in subspace.

There were a number of Dungeon Masters patrolling the area, defining that safety was still a priority. Multiple open Scenes took place among the mingling crowd of voyeurs. To Seth’s left, a male sub groaned through the agonizing slow descent of a sound, the long metal rod being lowered into his urethra by a Domme. And across the room the rhythmic slap of a paddle against flesh resounded over the crowd.

None of it was new to Seth. And none of it held his interest.

It’d been almost two weeks since Tyler and Allie had left. In that time he’d exchanged a few text messages with Allie, but nothing with Tyler. The man wouldn’t return a single call or text from either of them.

Seth had managed to fuck that up completely, and it ate at him. There had to be something he could do to fix it, but hell if he knew what it was. He wouldn’t apologize for buying out Tyler’s contracts. Everything he’d done had been to help the man, yet he was the bad guy. Go figure.

He checked the time then pushed away from the wall to weave his way through the crowd. A few of the club owners met every month to exchange information and keep a general pulse on the community. The Den’s contracts prevented him from sharing member names and details, but some of the other clubs didn’t have those restrictions.

The general chatter and cries from the open room dimmed as he headed down the long hall near the back of the club. The scent of sweat and come wasn’t quite as pungent, but it still reminded Seth of a men’s locker room.

A door swung open, and a broad man stepped out of a private room, a whip coiled in his hand. He was turned away from Seth, but the site of the tool brought back instant memories of the damage that implement had caused to Tyler. Seth halted, his eyes glued to the eight-foot braided-leather bullwhip.

A hot flush of anger flooded his blood when he spotted the dark, crimson steaks that marred the brown leather and pale skin on the Dom’s hand. Fucking idiots. Did these men really think it was okay to beat anyone to that level? Seth prided himself on being open. He had to be in order to run The Den. But he would never understand blood play.

Ready to lay into the man, Seth was unprepared when the Dom closed the door and turned around. The black head mask did nothing to disguise Master Rex to him. His fists clenched and his muscles quivered against the restraint it took to keep his punch from flying.

Recognition snapped into the dark eyes behind the mask a second before the sinister smile hooked up the corner of his lip. “Following me now?”

Words finally came back to Seth. “What the fuck are you doing? Didn’t you learn anything?”

The city councilman had the audacity to laugh, arrogance surrounding him like a dark cloak that he wore with pride. “Cut the bullshit. When are you letting me back in your club?”

“Never. You arrogant prick.” Seth pushed past the man to shove open the door to the private room. His stomach rolled at the sight of the whipped and bloody man the aftercare crew was releasing from the cross. The site and smells mixed with his memories until horror and revulsion snaked up Seth’s throat to choke him.

Not again.
God
,
please
,
not again.
How could Tyler do that after all they’d done for him? He didn’t need this. Didn’t want this. Didn’t he understand how much they cared about him? How much he meant to Seth?

Through the haze that clouded his mind, one thought finally got through—it wasn’t Tyler on the cross. The man was smaller, brown hair, younger. Not his Tyler. But still a man who didn’t deserve to be treated like shit.

Seth reacted, instincts overriding any scrap of logic that tried to intervene. He closed the door, spun around and pinned the Dom to the wall. The man was a few inches shorter than Seth, his bulk more fat than muscle. Taking the man down wouldn’t be hard.

“That isn’t dominance,” Seth ground out. “That’s abuse. It’s sick and disgusting. Just like you.”

The councilman struggled against the hold, beefy fingers scraping at Seth’s arm, which was press hard across his throat. Seth took great pleasure in watching the red creep up the man’s neck and over his cheeks as he struggled for breath.

“What the fuck do you care?” Master Rex huffed out. He stopped struggling to challenge Seth with his eyes. “It’s just a goddamn whore anyway.”

Seth’s rage was barely controlled behind the thin reminder that this wasn’t his club. “
He
,” Seth snapped, emphasizing the point with a sharp jab of his arm. “
He
is a human being who deserves more respect than you.”

“What do you want?” the Dom snarled, his gaze cutting to the side. “You can’t touch me. And you sure as fuck can’t stop me.”

“Seth.” The firm voice was followed by the strong hand that wrenched on Seth’s shoulder. “Let him go.”

The bouncers might have arrived to save the lowlife, but Seth had one last message. He leaned in close to the scum’s ear. “You think so? Just watch me.”

Seth stepped away, and the man bent over, making a show of exaggerated gasps for air. Melodramatics from a politician—fucking great.

“What the hell are you doing, Mathews?” Chad, the club owner, glared at Seth. The man was a long-time associate, but he wouldn’t classify him as a friend. “You can’t attack my patrons.”

Seth nodded toward the overreacting Dom. “You should tell him that. That man isn’t a Dom and doesn’t deserve the respect of one.”

The councilman straightened to glower at Seth. “It was all consensual. It always is.”

“‘Consensual’ is a loose term when the sub isn’t allowed a safe word.” Seth stepped forward, his fist raised to take Rex down.

Chad thrust out a hand to smack Seth on the chest, the hard shove stopping his advance. Chad’s steely glare held no give. The club owner was built like a bulldog—short, stocky and solid muscle. “You need to leave.”

The truth of that grated on Seth, but there was nothing more he could do here. He backed off, though it killed him to do so. “He’s been banned from our club. You’d be smart to do the same.”

Chad’s glare hardened. “Don’t tell me how to run my club.” He glanced to the bouncer. “See that he leaves.”

The gleam of victory that flashed in the cocky smirk of the councilman almost pulled Seth back. But he squelched the urge and stalked out of the club swearing one thing. Remington Harcourt, the esteemed Minneapolis City Council Member, would be lucky if he was allowed in any leather club within the Twin Cities once he was done with him.

Tyler would have his revenge, even if Seth had to do it for him.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Allie set the bottle of Champagne on the counter with her purse and briefcase, slipped off her heels and finally allowed herself to do a manic happy dance around the kitchen.

“Woot!” She pumped a fist in the air. “Yes!”

She’d been dying to do that all day but had to restrain herself. Until now.

Her hours of hard work, dedication and sacrifice had finally paid off. She’d made partner. Goal achieved. The announcement had been a complete surprise that afternoon. Her hands were still shaking, not that she’d let anyone in the law firm see that. Now the suppressed adrenaline had to escaped somewhere.

Exhaling a less-than-calming breath, she placed a hand over her racing heart and grinned at...her empty condo. Her place was full of nice furniture in dark colors with minimal accents, and it had never been so hollow.

That quickly, her excitement fizzled.

The Dom Pérignon taunted her. The gleaming black bottle with the understated gold label was a gift from the law firm, a mark to celebrate her achievement. But after her years of dedication and sacrifice, who else would really care?

The silence descended to accentuate the point. She could shout and cheer all she wanted, but who would listen? Who would understand exactly how much this meant?

Seth and Tyler.

They were her first thought. The ones she’d immediately wanted to tell. But she couldn’t.

Her heart constricted and ached in her chest. She pressed on the pain, breathing through the tightness like she’d done every time it’d happened since she’d left Seth’s loft. It would ease in a minute or two, if she just waited it out.

After the second time it’d happened, she’d considered seeing a doctor. That was until she’d realized it only occurred when she thought of her men. Which had turned out to be a lot over the last month.

She missed them. So very much.

More than she knew was possible. Way more than she wanted to.

Was this her punishment for being so single-minded for so long? Or simply a just reminder that life was meant to be shared and enjoyed? Loved. She squeezed her eyes closed against the thought. It wouldn’t bring them back or magically fix their situation.

She’d had minimal communication with Seth. Their few calls had centered on Tyler and his lack of contact with either of them. And that only brought out the guilt, which led to silent recriminations before plunging to regret.

Those talks had proven that she’d been right. A relationship with Seth wasn’t possible without Tyler.

Right. Enough. This was going nowhere, and she’d earned the right to celebrate.

Dashing upstairs, she made a quick change into shorts and a tank before heading back down. She grabbed the Champagne and slipped out the sliding glass door.

The temperature had been brutal the past week and the heat engulfed her the second she stepped outside. A glance at the courtyard showed that it was still too hot for the usual Friday night gathering. Then maybe it was just too early. It was usually after nine before she ever joined in.

Allie knocked on Cali’s slider and peered through the glass. The site of her friend sent a wave of relief through her.

Cali slid the door open, her bright smile greeting Allie. “Hey. What’s up?” She motioned Allie into the homey condo. “Everything okay?”

“It’s great,” Allie insisted, the joy rebuilding now that she had someone to share her news with. She waved the bottle of Champagne before her friend. “I got some good news today.”

Cali’s eyes went wide. “Partner?”

“Yup.” Allie beamed and let the pride in her achievement glow within her again. “I found out this afternoon.”

“Congratulations!” Cali cried before enfolding Allie in a tight hug. If she clung a little longer than normal, Cali didn’t say anything. “You’ve worked so hard for this.”

“Yeah. I have.” Maybe too hard.

Cali went to the kitchen and took down a couple of Champagne glasses. “Should I call Kendra?”

“Of course.” Allie waved her on. “She was next on my list.” She leaned on the counter as Cali made the call. She did have friends to share her success with. This was good. Burying herself in work hadn’t stopped the pain, but maybe her friends could.

Cali pocked her phone and grabbed the bottle. “Come on. We should open this outside.”

The shade of the covered patio provided a smidgen of relief from the heat as they waited for Kendra to hurry across the courtyard. Her ponytail swayed with each rushed step.

“What’d I miss?” She looked between the other two then at the bottle of Champagne.

“I made partner!” Allie beamed and spread her arm wide for Kendra’s hug. Again, if she held on too long, her friend didn’t say a word.

“Here.” Cali shoved the bottle at Allie and the next minutes were occupied by opening the expensive celebration. The cork popped, its high arc shooting into the courtyard. Their laughter surrounded Allie as she gulped down the first fizzy bubbles that overflowed from the top. They tingled up her nose and down her throat and she choked on the goodness.

“Let’s go inside,” Cali said pulling open the door. “It’s too hot out here.”

The next hour was spent toasting Allie’s success. They were spread around Cali’s living room, the bottle almost empty and the conversation moving to other topics.

Kendra was curled up in the recliner, her long legs tucked beneath her. She’d relaxed and opened up so much once the threat of her ex was gone. Her days as a shelf stocker at Target had ended not long after. They’d all celebrated in June when she’d received her license, enabling her to work as a counselor in the Minnesota school systems.

“Have you heard from any of the schools yet?” Allie asked.

Kendra shook her head. “Nothing. But the school year’s starting in a few weeks, so it should be soon.”

“I hope you get one,” Cali said.

“Me, too.” Kendra chuckled and finished off her glass. “So Allie...” She let the sentence dangle as she shot a look to Cali.

Allie straightened from her relaxed slump on the couch. Somehow, she knew what was coming. Even expected it. Her friends had been incredibly restrained in the month since her unexpected vacation. She met Kendra’s speculative look. “Yes?”

Her friend grinned. “So what happened with you and Seth?” She raised her brows. “And Tyler?”

The question still sucked the air from her lungs. She’d been prepared, but to hear it said aloud meant that her secret was really out. She took a sip from her glass. “Why do you think something happened?”

Cali reached down the sofa and put her hand on Allie’s knee. “Your car was parked in the club garage for almost a week.” Her voice was gentle and soothing. “And Jake and Deklan talk to us. We know something happened, but not the details. Seth hasn’t said a word and neither have you.”

“Oh.” Allie’s words seemed to vanish. She wasn’t used to being the one in the spotlight.

“Are you okay?” She looked to Kendra and saw the same concern she’d heard. “We’ve been worried but thought you’d come to us when you were ready. And since that hasn’t happened, I figured I take your approach and barge on in.”

That brought a needed chuckle. “I’m not that bad.”

“No,” Cali agreed. “But you didn’t let either of us hide when you thought something was wrong. Now it’s our turn.”

They had her. Surprisingly though, she was relieved. She never would’ve brought it up on her own. It didn’t matter how open and accepting her friends were, she still feared what the world would think. Not that it mattered now that the relationship was over.

“So,” Kendra prompted. “Did you get kinky with the men?”

Allie let a sly smile curl her lips. “What if I did?”

“I’d say it’s about time.”

“Why?” Allie gaped at her friend.

Kendra laughed before rushing to explain. “Because for all of your forwardness and talk, I doubt you’ve ever really played. And despite your claim to desire vanilla-only sex, you weren’t turned off by what you witnessed at The Den. So good for you.”

Good for her? Yeah, it had been. Too good.

“You still haven’t answered us, though,” Cali said. “Are you okay?”

It was such a relative term. Allie forced a smile. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

She glared at Kendra, but the woman didn’t flinch. “Fine.” She sighed. She rested her head on the back of the couch and mentally picked through what to divulge. “The three of us had sex. Okay? It was hot and good and now it’s over. That’s it.”

“Why is it over?”

Cali voice was deceptively soft, yet Kendra knew she couldn’t get away with a brushoff answer. So once again she shot it straight and clean. “The week ended and we couldn’t let Tyler go back to his job. We lied to him and he left us. It all blew apart and I left too.”

“Did you want it to be done?”

And the questions kept coming. She reminded herself that they were only digging because they cared about her. Just like she’d done to them. Allie crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to answer. “Yes and no. I miss them, but I don’t see how a threesome relationship would work long term. It was fun, but not realistic in our society.”

Kendra snorted her disagreement. “Like being a masochist is ‘realistic’ in our society.”

Allie sat up at the challenging tone, ready for battle. “But no one knows that unless you tell them. You can walk down the street with Deklan and no one will judge you, unlike if I appear with a man on each arm. I’d be instantly branded a hussy.”

“It’s the way we’re raised,” Cali interjected, her low tone diluting the tension in the room. “We understand what you’re saying. And it’s hard to go against that expected image of right and wrong. But at some point, you have to decide if pleasing society is worth your happiness.”

Her fight drained away. Both of her friends had struggled against that very issue before finally going after their own happiness. But was she that strong? “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s over, so this whole discussion’s irrelevant.”

It really was. There was little to zero chance of them getting back together when Tyler wanted nothing to do with either of them. They didn’t even know if he’d stopped being an escort. The last time she’d talked to Seth, he said he wasn’t back at that agency. But there was more than one in the city.

And the thought of Tyler with anyone but her and Seth stabbed at her heart.

She jumped up, taking her empty glass to the kitchen, and spotted the perfect escape. “Hey, I’m going to head outside. It looks like Evan and Robert could use some help setting up.”

Cali stared at her for a long moment before she stood. “We’ll be out in a minute.”

“Allie?”

She paused halfway out the door and turned back to Kendra, her apprehension hidden behind her smile.

“You know we’d support you, right?” Kendra waited until Allie nodded. “Being with two men is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means you get twice the love.”

And twice the heartache.