Born of Persuasion (41 page)

Though I was withholding information, Edward wasn’t. He turned from Mr. Greenham, perhaps sensing the pointlessness of asking about Rooke, and faced me. “You should know,” he said, “Henry’s leaving today.”

“Yes.” I tore off a corner of a currant bun, hoping to keep Edward on this topic. “My lady’s maid informed me this morning.”

Edward cocked his head, looking pleased. “Don’t tell me that Sarah’s here too!”

I nearly smiled, recalling our shared terror of my nursemaid. Mama tended to take long afternoon naps while at Am Meer, leaving Sarah in charge. She suspected us too. Every time I slipped away, she hunted for hours until she found me—always hoping that just once she could catch me with Edward and prove her suspicion. It was all we could do to keep a step ahead of her. Once, she’d found me beneath the ancient oak and lambasted me for a quarter hour, trying to make me confess I’d not been
alone. Had she only looked up, she’d have seen Edward grinning down from the branch above her.

“No.” I shunned the thought of Sarah. “My guardian sent her away.”

“Your
what
?”

Shock tingled through me as I lifted my gaze to Edward and realized my mistake. A look of satisfaction played over Mr. Greenham’s features as he sipped his brew.

Edward leaned forward. “You have a guardian? Whom?”

I widened my eyes, then made a point to stare at Mr. Greenham. Edward must have understood I had no desire to speak with him present, for he moved his hands to his hips in an impatient gesture.

He sat for a few seconds, frowning, then declared, “Well, if Sarah’s not here, are you and Elizabeth sharing Hannah?”

I bit the insides of my cheeks, hating that I had to admit my fortunes had fallen so low as to needing to borrow a servant from the Windhams. “If you must know,” I said in a clipped tone, “I have a girl named Nancy now.”

“Nancy!” Edward exclaimed.

I felt a blush spread through my cheeks. Of course he knew Nancy. His parish was small.

Then he laughed outright, but to my surprise he clapped his hands with delight. “Good for you, Juls! I never imagined her in the role of a lady’s maid, but I’m glad you’re managing to keep her out of the workhouse.”

I didn’t deserve his praise, for in truth, I had yet to ask Nancy about her past. Yet at the same time, I suddenly wished I were the kind of person Edward believed me to be, making me wonder if I once had been.

“What say you to a walk in the garden after breakfast?” Edward asked.

“I think taking air should be very beneficial to Miss Elliston,”
said Mr. Greenham. “Why wait for breakfast to end? It’s apparent you two have no appetite but much to talk about.”

Once more I gave him a disbelieving stare while Edward gave me a hopeful look.

I sighed, knowing there would never be a good time to disillusion him.

Nodding, I pushed my plate away. With luck, when Henry left later today, Edward would go with him.

That morning Edward and I remained on the gravel pathways, as the ground was soft. The morning breeze scattered a few leaves that floated lazily before us. Walking over the path, hearing the robins’ shrill chirps, I found it difficult to believe my circumstances. I fingered the cashmere fringe of my shawl, viewing Eastbourne. Windows shimmered with sunlight and I wondered which one Mr. Macy was behind.

In order to explain my difficulty, it is necessary to recount a story about Edward from his youth. The summer he was fifteen, on a particularly hot afternoon in July, his tutor lost patience with the brothers’ continual inattention. As punishment, he instructed them to write an additional essay about the virtues of the Corn Laws before dismissal. Henry scrawled out an essay, repeating his teacher’s views, and hurried outdoors. But Edward outright refused on the grounds he didn’t agree there were virtues to be found in the laws.

His stubbornness incensed his tutor, who first beat the back of Edward’s hand with a ruler until scarlet welts swelled over its surface. Then he threatened that Edward would not leave the schoolroom until the assignment was complete. Edward spent the night in the dark, sitting at his desk, refusing to write.

When I learned of the incident, I was incensed. Any fool could see that external pressure would never work with Edward. Either one changed his mind, or one changed the context. Had
the tutor simply rephrased the assignment—say, asked for an essay on
what the gentry considered
the virtues of the Corn Laws—Edward would have turned it in within an hour.

Thus, as we strolled through Mr. Macy’s garden, I endeavored to disappoint Edward in a manner he would accept. Only what could I say? I was forbidden to speak of my guardian and Mama’s murder, although letting Edward learn that I was in danger would not help me to attain my goal. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed Edward to believe another man had replaced him in my affections.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I needed to utilize our most poignant difference—God.

While I mulled on how to approach the topic, Edward dug his hands deep into his pockets, then stated, “You’re not going to like what I have to say. But will you at least promise to hear my plan and give it a full day’s thought before rejecting it?”

“Depends,” I answered.

“On what?”

Like a wrestler assuming his position before a fight, I fixed my gaze on the horizon. “It depends upon whether your plan involves church or God. If it does, I can tell you right now, I reject it.”

“And if I want to discuss it anyway?” His tone darkened.

“Then our walk is over. And so are we.”

Edward caught my arm, stopping me. “Every time God is mentioned, you take flight. Well, you’re going to finish at least one of these conversations. And it’s this one.”

I tried to twist from his grip. “What? You’re going to force me!”

“Yes. I’ve waited two days to say this, and you’re going to listen.”

“No, I won’t! Because no matter what you say, it won’t change my mind.”

“What are you so frightened of, Julia? If your beliefs are as
well-founded as you pretend, then why do you fear this discussion? Are you afraid I’ll prove my point? Are you afraid to discover that maybe your father didn’t know everything?”

I felt my chin jut as I stared up at him, breathing heavily. He knew,
he knew
I hated it when people treated my beliefs and my father’s as one. Our fight began in earnest.

Edward lifted an eyebrow, as if sensing my change.

“No.” I ground out each word, wrangling to be free. “Because even if your God is real, then he’s earned my disobedience. Hear me, Edward. I will never follow him!”

Edward’s face twisted in disbelief.

“So prove him if you can!” I yanked my arm as hard as I could. “But mark my words, even if you do, it makes no difference.”

“But that’s not fair, Julia. You’re not even considering me!”

“Fair?” I yelled, not caring who heard us. “You want fair? Well, guess what? So do I! But I’m never going to have it! You haven’t an inkling of what I’ve endured! And I won’t meet the demands of a God who idly watched it happen. How dare you argue fairness with me! Were you considering me when you took your vows?”

His jaw tight, Edward shifted his gaze from me, drawing deep breaths as if willing himself to remain calm.

This rankled me further. In the past, he would have argued back without censoring himself. Unable to wrench my hand free, I stomped on his foot in a childish display of temper. Shocked, Edward finally released me. Picking up my skirts, I marched as fast as my legs could carry me.

Edward was immediately at my side, gravel crunching beneath his boots. “You’re going to hear me out.”

In response, I picked up my skirts and hied faster toward Eastbourne.

By the time I reached the pathways near the estate, I couldn’t breathe. Nancy had done her job too well. My stays were so tight, I could scarcely gasp for air. I placed a hand on my side, where a cramp had started.

Edward, who’d kept pace, took my elbow and directed me to a bench, tangled amidst ivy. “Sit.”

Unable to do anything else, I obeyed, narrowing my eyes.

“It’s not my fault you’ve matured and graduated to stays,” he said, reading my silent accusation. He removed his handkerchief and handed it to me. “What are we doing?” Edward asked quietly.

I bunched the handkerchief beneath my nose. “There’s just so much that you don’t know. So much I can’t tell you.”

“Then listen, for a change.” Edward crouched and sat on the heels of his boots. “Last year, Father gave Henry some land as an early inheritance. There’s an abandoned house on it, which Henry gave to me after you arrived at Am Meer.” His cheeks reddened. “It isn’t much, Julia. You know my prospects are not what they once were when my ambition was law. Nonetheless, I know I am doing what God called me to do. I know I’ve made the right choices.”

“You should have discussed with me or at least made me aware.”

“How, Juls? How?”

I scowled, wanting to argue but knowing there was nothing to say. Because it was improper for Edward to write me, Elizabeth had always been our only possible contact.

“I don’t blame you for disliking that I’ve become a vicar. But don’t, in your anger, chain yourself to the likes of Lady Foxmore. She is a wandering star and will lead you to ruin. Have I ever steered you wrong? Have I ever placed care of myself above care of you?”

Edward paused, as if to give me space to consider it. My throat thickened, for to memory, he never had.

“Here’s what I propose. Allow me to fix up Henry’s house. Stay in my parish. Remain with those of us who love you. I know that you’ll flourish given time with Henry, Elizabeth, and me every day. My parish is filled with good people. They’ll accept
you. Yes, I have to insist you attend church. But it will be me who is your vicar—not that man. Not the man who did that to your family. One year. That’s all I’m asking. If at the end of that year, you want to continue, then fine; nothing will change. I have always been willing to wait for you. If you want to leave, then I’ll do my best to help you find a good situation.” His hands tightened over mine. “If you find that you can join the church and we can marry, and you still want me, then we’ll wed.”

Doubtlessly I looked as though my soul were made of stone, for I simply stared, betraying no emotion. But within, it felt as if my heart had stopped. Of course Edward had found a solution, given the little knowledge of my situation that he had. I easily envisioned his plan—the carefree days he wanted to gift me with. I pictured an entire year in his parish. Attending harvest parties, dinners, and balls. Helping Elizabeth and Mrs. Windham can their goods for winter. Lazy winter afternoons, knitting before the fire while Henry read aloud. Long, rambling walks with Edward in the countryside, talking over his sermons. Strawberry picnics in white gowns, playing croquet over Am Meer’s lawn.

The images became so real, I grew heartsick. All at once, I knew I couldn’t do this to him. I wouldn’t do this to him. If he was still fighting for me, I would fight for him too.

My hands felt clammy as I met his gaze and whispered, “There isn’t time.”

Edward’s eyes sharpened.

I wanted to say that there wasn’t hope for us unless he ran away with me, right then. But even those words died on my tongue. Edward’s posture warned me of that impossibility. In order to act, Edward needed to understand the context. And that I was sworn to keep secret. But I was not under oath to keep prior knowledge from Edward.

“I’m scheduled to leave for Scotland,” I said quietly.

He joined me on the bench, his brow furrowed.

I proceeded to tell him about my guardian and the strange
requirements he placed on me, and that ultimately I’d been ordered to Scotland.

“I’m not going,” I told him. “Hear me. I will do whatever it takes, even marrying her ladyship’s choice for me.”

Edward’s expression upon hearing those words is hard to describe. He half closed his eyes and stared blankly at the ground. “Well,” he said, “that certainly changes the plan a bit, doesn’t it?”

“What plan, Edward? We have no plan.”

“It’s only three years until you attain the status of
femme sole
,” he said, plowing forward. “One of my father’s cousins lives in Scotland. Surely I could visit him at least once during that time.”

I shook my head, feeling as though my life were an aberrant waltz, playing minor chords when major chords were needed. My inability to wield Edward in conversations like I used to frustrated me. Bluntness, I decided, would serve me better.

I glanced around, catching only the pleasant sound of voices that carried on the breeze in the stable yard and the coo of doves as they searched for feed. At least as far as I could tell, no one was overhearing us.

I leaned forward, feeling like a traitress to Mr. Macy, then whispered, “You don’t understand. I am not going to Scotland. That’s why I hired Lady Foxmore. Either you marry me now or it will never happen.”

Edward’s brows pulled together as he also inclined. “Or,” he said, “I take the third option. I wait for God’s timing. Why are you suddenly whispering? And why this sudden rush to marry? There’s something more that you’re not telling me, Julia. It’s as obvious as the nose on your face.”