Bound by Sin (21 page)

“I wanted to know what it would be like away from them. I knew it could only be for a week, until the moon waned, but still, a week of reprieve from this was like the richest of gemstones would be to someone of your world. Priceless and coveted. To me, anyway. Most selkies want nothing to do with the Overworld. They are afraid of it. Here the selkies are protected from all outsiders. The only dangers here are the sirens and perhaps a few civil factions trying to go to war amongst themselves, as you learned from the empress. Maybe a sea beast here or there, or the grots. The selkies think the world of man is the root of all danger and all evil. They don't see beyond that. They don't see that there is just as much danger here as there is there. And your world…your world is so diverse. Oh, I know I saw only some of it…but that's the adventure of it. I've seen only a small part of it. I want to see more. I want to see all of it! And I know it would take me a lifetime to do that. But what a lifetime that would be,” she said wistfully. “So full of adventure and newness at every turn. It's the life that you have, isn't it? It's what you do. You go to all kinds of lands and see many strange people and places. I envy you your life.”

“Do not envy me,” Jaykun said harshly. “My life is nothing you would want for yourself.”

She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes on him. “I know parts of it are unbearable,” she said. “I am not ignorant of that. But surely you must enjoy some of it. You must take some kind of pleasure in it.”

The truth was, he hadn't taken much pleasure in his life lately. He had borne it. Had walked numbly through it, doing what he was required to do. The only joy he'd had was being with his brothers again. But even that was curbed by the knowledge that there was still one brother missing, one brother living in unending torment somewhere, buried deep within soil and bedrock in a place unknown to them, suffocating and being crushed under the weight of the world again and again and again. It made Jaykun's nightly torment seem trivial in comparison.

Until he had met Jileana. Suddenly there was light in his world. A type of pleasure that he had all but forgotten. The type of pleasure that could make a man afraid. Afraid to lose it. Afraid to believe in it. He suddenly turned from her, unwilling to look at her. He had nothing to offer her. He had nothing to offer anyone, least of all himself. His life had ended with a single swallow of forbidden waters and this…this
existence
had sprung up in its place. He had thought he wanted immortality. Now all he wanted was to live a normal, peaceful life…and to die a normal, peaceful death.

But his wants weren't worth thinking about. His was a cursed existence and nothing was going to change that. Certainly not by wishing his life were otherwise. All of his wishes had long since been superseded by the wishes of another…of a goddess.

Jaykun began to swim. He could see the cliff face in the distance and he aimed himself toward it. The churning of his arms, the force of propelling himself through the water, made his heart pump harder and faster. He needed it, needed the violence of it. He didn't know if she was following him, didn't really care in that moment. All he knew was the need to move hard and fast however he could, and it was difficult to do that in the water.

So he swam. Arm over arm over arm. Swam until his body hit the wall of the cliff face. Then he dragged himself onto the nearest ledge, and he would have begun to climb just as blindly as he had swum, but suddenly there was a great weight on his arm and he was being dragged about until he was looking down into her concerned face.

“What is it?” she asked him. “Jaykun! What is wrong?”

He was heaving for breath, water streaming from his hair still, his body being baked by the brightness of the sun. Off in the distance he could see the wall of grey denoting the storms that protected the island, but where he was standing was as clear and warm and sunny as any high summer day. He found himself inanely wondering if the seasons turned cold in this idyllic place where people lived in the cool waters and ran naked under the sun.

“Does winter ever come here?” he asked.

“What?” she asked, surprised and confused by the question. “What is winter?”

“Does it ever grow cold or snow here?”

“It is always the same here. The storms come from time to time. What is snow?”

He smiled at that and looked down into her pretty, upturned face. He reached for it, touching gentle fingers to the sweet curve of her cheek. “Snow is when the rain freezes and turns to ice.”

“Oh. Mother can make ice. She has a spell for it. I think I might know it. Does it fall in big blocks, or is it small like drops of rain?”

“Small like the drops of rain. You've never seen snow?”

“No. It sounds painful.”

“No. Snow can be light and soft, and it can be very beautiful.”

“Oh. I would like to see snow,” she said with a beatific smile. “When does it come?”

“With winter. You see, where I come from, in the Overworld, we have seasons. Four of them. Summer, which is warm and sunny like this. Autumn, when the air grows colder and the leaves of the trees die and fall off in preparation for winter.”

“They die? Oh, that sounds terrible,” she said with a frown.

“They have to. But don't worry. The trees are only going to sleep a little while. That is when winter comes. It grows cold…so cold your breath freezes on the air. Then soft snow comes and lays white over everything. Every road, every house, every tree…until all you see is a great, vast, blinding blanket of white. The children come and play in it and their laughter can be heard for great distances. We build fires and stay warm next to them. Men and women cuddle up close for warmth and make love to bring fire to their blood.” He reached for her and drew her close to his body, demonstrating by holding her close and warm.

“Oh,” she breathed, “that sounds wonderful.”

“It is. There's nothing like it in the world. And then the snow melts and spring comes. The trees wake up and grow new leaves. The flowers bloom and fill the air with the smell of freshness and new life. Then summer comes and it all begins again.”

“Snow. I want to see snow,” she said excitedly. “Why has no one ever told me about this before?”

“So you've really never been to the Overworld before this?”

“Never. I was too young. We can't pass through the portal until we're of a certain age. It keeps our children from passing through unexpectedly. The storms keep us in just as they keep others out.”

“And you just reached this certain age?”

“Well…no…it was a few years ago. But I confess, it took me a while to be brave enough to venture through the portal. But once I did I saw you and thought what a wondrous world it must be, to have such people in it that they burn like the stars. After that I wasn't afraid.”

He laughed at that. “Had anyone else seen me they would have been terrified of me.”

“Well, I wasn't. I thought you were beautiful. That was before I understood how much it hurt you, though. I don't think it's beautiful any longer.”

He realized then how beautiful he thought
she
was. Not just aesthetically beautiful, but straight through to her very core. And in his world, a world ugly with war and political machinations and people bent on killing one another, that meant a great deal to him. It was something incredibly rare and special. Sure, she was a selkie and that made her rare to begin with, but it went beyond that. He couldn't remember the last time he saw such beauty. Real beauty—not a beauty he had created in his mind, blinded in every way to the flaws within. He could see her flaws—things like her impulsiveness and her stubbornness. He was not imagining her to be something perfect and beyond reproach, and he was glad of that. It told him he was truly seeing her. But at the same time it scared him, truly rocked him to his core. He didn't know what to do with these feelings. They had no place in his life. He could offer her absolutely nothing of value and she deserved to be given everything the world had to offer her. She deserved better than him.

J
aykun forced himself to let go of her, to turn away from the comfort of Jileana's arms around him, and he picked his way over to and then up the cliff face, using handholds and footholds and all the strength in his body to propel himself upward in hard surges of movement. It was what he liked to do when he was troubled. He liked to force his body into activity, sometimes until he collapsed with exhaustion. He didn't see that being possible here, so he took advantage of what he could when he could. He climbed all the way to the uppermost level of the honeycomb of caves and then a bit farther until he was standing at the very top and looking down upon the entirety of the selkie world. He breathed the air in deep, only partly aware of Jileana coming to stand beside him. Then he turned around and faced the island itself and for the first time saw the sprawl of lush trees and vines, and heard the chittering of insects and the rustle of wild things in the underbrush.

“So this is what the sirens want so badly,” he said. “I can see why.”

“Yes, it is very beautiful, but it is also very dangerous. I wouldn't want you to go into the island. If you should come upon a siren…” She bit her lip anxiously. “Promise me you won't go in there.”

“I have no reason to go in there and I am not foolish,” he reassured her, reaching to brush a soft thumb over the rise of her cheek, his fingertips lingering in her hair. “I promise you, I will be careful.”

“Thank you,” she breathed. “I wouldn't be able to bear it if you were lured by a siren and were…It is a false love and the sirens don't care about the suffering of the men they leave behind. They don't care about them at all. All they want is a means of getting their daughters. Otherwise, they have no use for men.”

“The selkies sing too, yes?” he asked suddenly. “I seem to recall hearing you sing and it being somewhat…otherworldly.”

“We do. We sing to cast certain spells. Like the healing spell I sing for you each night to help speed your healing.”

“I knew you were doing that. Somewhere inside me I knew, because I was healing faster and with less pain than I was before you came along.”

“Diathus loves her selkie children. She has given them the sea witches—selkies like my mother and me who can cast certain magics. You could say we are Diathus's priestesses.”

“Like our mems. Our mems are priestesses for the other gods. They have healing gifts and other abilities as well. We also have mages, but they are not as connected to the gods as the mems are usually. Are the sirens the children of Diathus as well?”

“No. Though they live near the water, they turn away from Diathus. It is Jikaro, the god of anger and deception, whom they worship.”

“Jikaro is part of Xaxis's faction, as Diathus is.” At her questioning look, he explained about the war between the two factions of gods.

“This war between the gods is a terrible thing,” Jileana said, shaking her head, “and it is dangerous for us to get involved.”

“I cannot help but be involved. I have been commanded to interfere on Weysa's behalf. I wish I could live in ignorance of the war like so many people do; it would make for such an easier, more blissful life. But that is not to be and I have not been that lucky. But I asked for my own fate. I deserve nothing less.”

“How did you ask for it? Are you going to tell me why it is you must suffer so?”

He looked into her eyes and gave her a grim smile. “I thought I could force the hand of the gods. I took from them something they were not willing to give. My brothers and I drank from the Fount of Immortality without the permission of the gods and we have been punished for it. I spent untold years chained to a star, burning endlessly like a molten cinder. I have since been freed of it, but as you see, it is my lot to be reminded of my punishment every night so I will not forget where hubris can lead.”

“Jaykun,” she said softly. “When will it end? When will it be enough? You have spent years suffering…When will the gods be satisfied? I cannot believe they are so cruel!”

“Believe it. You see it night after night with your own eyes.”

Jaykun dropped to the ground, sitting at the very edge of the cliff, letting his legs dangle in the open air over the side. Jileana joined him, doing the same.

“I know I do,” she said then, “but I also believe the gods are capable of great benevolence and forgiveness. I have to believe that. They have forgiven me so often….Why can they not forgive you?”

“Forgiven you?” Jaykun asked, his fingertips on her soft, beautiful face once more. “What could you possibly have done that would anger the gods?”

“I…I am defiant of my father when I should be a better daughter. I fight with my brothers endlessly. We have always done so for as long as I can remember and it should not be so. I love them, I do, but I just can't seem to get along with them. It must be some intrinsic fault of mine. I am stubborn and willful. And I…I am ungrateful of the safe haven Diathus has provided for the selkies. I…I dream of leaving this place, of finding a home in the world of human men and women, of adventures beyond the safety of these caves and waters.”

“Hmm. These are grievous sins indeed,” Jaykun said gravely. But his eyes were lit with humor and she could see it.

“You mock me,” she scolded him with a playful push against his shoulder.

“No, indeed I do not. I can very clearly see why you would require forgiveness. But I can also see that if you were not so driven I…I would never have gotten the opportunity to see and know you. So you must forgive me if I do not mind your sins.”

She gave him a sly smile. “This is very true,” she said. “Very true indeed. So you are saying that you are glad to have met such a wantonly disreputable female such as myself?”

“Very glad. And if you are disreputable, what does that make me? I have sinned far more grievously than you ever will.” He said the last more seriously than he had intended. But it was a serious topic, despite their making light of it. It was the be-all and end-all of his days. Everything he did, everything he was, was because of the sins he had committed against the gods. The only thing he had that did not touch upon that taint was…

Her. Somehow he had earned the gift of her. A blessing amid his curse.

The thought of squandering that blessing scared him. Truly terrified him in a way nothing else had been able to ever since he had been rescued from the chains of that star. When one was immortal, one's fears tended to evaporate. All fear, it seemed, was rooted in the fear of death. When it boiled down to it, a fear of heights or a fear of snakes or any such fear was a fear of being killed. Death was a frightening thing. An unknown thing. Take away that fear, take away death, and suddenly very little was frightening. At least that was how it had been for Jaykun. Now that death had been taken out of the equation, he felt he was nearly invincible and he feared almost nothing.

But the one other thing that terrified him was the mercurial nature of the gods. Their moods and tempers were the stuff of legend. If anyone could touch him, it would be the hand of a god. To be specific, a goddess. Weysa would look upon anyone who might interfere in his punishment with a hostile eye. She would feel threatened by any woman who came too close to him. She had already released his brothers from their curses, and as long as there was a brother to replace them and she had a warrior to fight in her name, she was content. But if for any reason she thought Jaykun might be swayed from his course and purpose…well, it was quite possible she would simply rid herself of the threat and be done with it.

So it was key that he manage his emotions and his desires with a strict hand. He did not think Weysa would begrudge him female company, so long as he played by the rules and kept his heart out of the game. And that was exactly what he would do. He would enjoy Jileana for whatever time they had left together, then he would put her aside and focus on the next city he was destined to lay siege to. Weysa couldn't possibly ask anything more of him.

Well, actually she could, but he hoped this would be enough to keep her satisfied.

“I think your sins should be forgiven. You suffer for them nightly, and it is a cruel thing. When will it be enough? When will you earn reprieve?”

He shushed her nervously, looking around them as if there might be someone spying on them and hearing her words. “I deserve every moment of my fate. Do not question the will of a goddess.”

“I will question it,” she said stubbornly. “There has to be a point when they must forgive you for what you've done and release you from this awful curse. Otherwise, to do this indefinitely makes them purposefully cruel and sadistic, and I don't like to think the gods are sadistic. I prefer to think of them as kind and benevolent and perhaps a little strict when it is called for…but this…this is just merciless and brutal.”

“Enough. Do not speak of this anymore,” he said, harshly gripping her by her forearm and giving her a shake. “You do not know what you are daring and I will not have you endangered! I couldn't bear it if—” He broke off and looked away from her.

But she smiled as she realized what his unspoken emotions were. He did not want to see her hurt. He cared about what happened to her. The understanding made her feel light and dizzy inside, and she didn't even understand why it should matter so much. But it did matter. It mattered enough to make her feel good, and that meant something. She didn't know what exactly, but it did mean something.

She considered that she might be falling for him. It was a strange notion for her because she had never fallen for anyone before. She had never really wanted to. She enjoyed everyone, for the most part, equally. She didn't really think more or less of one man over another.

But she liked Jaykun a great deal. There was much about him that impressed her. He was brave and strong. More important, he was cunning and intelligent. She had seen it in the way he solved his problems and the problems of others. He was never overbearing like Silan and Silan's friends often were. Friends who thought they had a rightful claim on her. She frowned as she thought of Barban. She had not come across him yet since she had returned from the Overworld, but she would easily bet that Silan had reported her behavior accordingly. It was only a matter of time before Barban sought her out and made his displeasure known. It was a confrontation she was not looking forward to.

But thinking of Barban only served as a contrast to how much pleasure she derived from Jaykun's company. She had not known him that long, really, but even so, she felt she knew him better than any other man she had ever known. And considering how many brothers she had, that was saying something. Then again, comparing any man to her brothers was likely to make that man come out ahead of the mark. Her brothers did little more than aggravate her.

“All right,” she said, refocusing on the conversation at hand. “I won't speak of it any further,” she said to him, laying a comforting hand over the one gripping her arm. She then leaned her body against his again and reached to kiss him softly and slowly on his cheek. When she pulled back he was looking at her bemusedly.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“Do I need a reason now to kiss you?”

“Of course not,” he said. “It just seemed…different.”

“It was different, I suppose. It was my way of beginning to lure you into my bed again.”

His right brow shot up. “Is that so?” he asked. “Well, then I rather like different.”

“I somehow thought you might,” she said with a chuckle. She leaned in again and kissed the corner of his lips. Then her next kiss fell dead center on them. Jaykun's hand drove into the wet tendrils of her hair and held her head as his mouth seized hers suddenly and fully. The kiss lit a fire deep in her bones, heating her until all of her skin was flush with it. Between that and the sunlight, she felt as though she had never been so warm. But the truth was, she had…as she had sat close to him while he burned. Now he was burning her in a completely different way. This way was from the inside out. She had had sexual experiences before—Jaykun had not been her first—but they had been so cold in comparison. He was so much more passionate than her selkie lovers had been, somehow more alive than they were. Perhaps it was because she saw him through the eyes of her adventurous soul, but she didn't think so.