Brave New Love (8 page)

We shared the load so it wasn’t too much work but we still had to focus on our steps in the dimming light. I figured we’d just stay quiet, until Monica cleared her throat.

Wanting to cut off whatever she was about to say, I spoke first. “You did a great job today. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you might be better than me.”

Monica smiled. “Of course I’m better than you. No one suspects a helpless girl,” she replied, batting her eyelashes.

I smiled back and returned to focusing on the path.

“Do you like her?”

I tried to dodge the question. “Like who?”

“Mackenzie.” Her tone made it clear she knew I was playing dumb. “You seem awfully worried about her.”

I shrugged. “She’s kind of helpless. And Jesse said she was my responsibility.”

“Still,” she said. “Why did you kidnap her in the first place?”

“I thought she might know something,” I said. “She’s the mayor’s daughter.”

“But you didn’t know that until I said it.”

“Yes, I did,” I lied. “I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Maybe I was wrong and she doesn’t know anything. Didn’t want to get people’s
hopes up.”

Monica seemed to be pacified with that, but I was sure she saw through all the little holes in my story.

When we got through the cave and into the clearing it was just before sunset and the field of houses was beginning to slip into the shadows. Monica and I headed over to the Big House to drop off
our hauls and ran into Tanya leaving with a tray of the prepackaged food.

“Tanya, those aren’t for you,” I complained.

“It’s not for me, idiot,” she shot back. “Mackenzie passed out this afternoon around two and wouldn’t wake up for dinner. I’m taking this over for when she
finally gets up.”

I reached over, took the tray, and flipped it over. “You’re going to have to get another one. And tell whoever serves her to read.”

Tanya squinted at me.

“Look at the writing on the bottom. This is a lunch portion,” I pointed to the tiny printing on the back of the tray and Tanya’s face lit up with understanding. “She
won’t be up for hours.”

“Ugh!” Monica whined. “I don’t want to be up with her in the middle of the night.”

“Fine,” I said, dropping the bag of food and grabbing the single tray. I’d had all I could take of Monica’s attitude toward Mackenzie.

“Where are you going?” she called after me.

Without stopping, I answered. “If you don’t want to stay up with her, I will. I’m taking her to Doc Sara’s.”

•  •  •

I dreamed of blue. Blue-green. Like the grass and the sky melted into one. I swam in it, as if it were thick water, and worked every muscle to be able to move. The effort felt
good, and the color was so vibrant I feared it wasn’t real.

As my eyes started to crack open and I realized my fears had come true, my heart sank. I just wanted something to be real. I looked around the room and discovered I wasn’t in my bunk with
the other girls, but on a cot in another room. I shifted and saw that Dylan was there, looking out the window.

“I thought you were gone,” I mumbled. My voice was raspy from sleeping. I felt so stiff.

Dylan moved quickly to my side. “I’m back. How do you feel?” he asked as he tore off the cover from a tray of food. “Why don’t you have something to eat?”

“What time is it?” I asked. It looked sort of pearly-blue outside. Must be close to dinner.

“About five in the morning. You must be hungry.”

“Five in the morning? How did that happen? I remember feeling tired . . .” I searched my thoughts, trying to find something more, but that was it. I had been really tired, so I
crawled into bed.

“Why don’t you just eat?”

“I don’t want to. I’m not hungry,” I protested.

“Sure you are.”

“Just stop for a minute, okay?” There was a small edge to my voice that seemed to make him nervous. “Could I just walk around a little? I feel so achy.”

Dylan checked his watch. “Fine, but I’m coming, too. And so is the food.”

I rolled my eyes, threw off the blankets, and stood. I didn’t bother with shoes, I just pushed open the door. I was a little disoriented. I’d never seen the grounds from this
viewpoint. I looked around and saw what would either be considered a small lake or a large pond and walked on to a little floating dock. I went to the edge, not waiting for Dylan, and sat down,
sticking my feet in the water.

It wasn’t the blue-green water in my dreams. It was the shadow-covered gray of early morning.

“Did you leave a ransom note for my dad?” I asked, aching to know how soon this would all end.

“Ransom? No,” he replied, appalled.

“He has money, connections. He’d give you whatever you want,” I offered.

“I doubt that,” Dylan said quietly. There was a sadness to him just then that didn’t fit in with the confident, dangerous, wild person I thought he was. It confused me.

“I don’t understand what’s going on,” I said. My breath hitched, and I realized that I might cry. It was the first time in years that I’d felt so . . .
hopeless.

Dylan shook his head, trying to decide something. He looked at his watch again, then the food, and then me.

“Mackenzie, you’ve felt strange since you’ve been here, right? Not just because you’re in some new place but because you keep feeling normal, and then it starts to slip
away and then, suddenly, you get it back, yes?”

I nodded. He’d summed it up better than I could.

“Did you notice that you usually start feeling better after you eat?” he asked.

I tried to remember. I didn’t seem to relate it to the food, but I remembered that earlier I’d been bothered that he was gone and then not so much, if at all, once I’d started
eating.

“There are opiates in the food,” he said slowly. “Drugs.”

“What?” I shook my head. “That’s ridiculous.”

“It sure as hell is ridiculous. It’s also true. Thing is, it’s getting worse, and I suspect in about half an hour you’re going to start screaming again if you don’t
eat.”

I eyed the plate. “I don’t believe you. You’re just trying to scare me.”

“Are you scared? Think about how you felt yesterday when you woke up. How often do you feel that way?”

I almost shouted out the answer:
Never.

“Think about the world you’ve been used to, Mackenzie. There’s no crime because everyone’s too mellowed out to be bothered to try. You don’t even lock your doors
anymore. And there’s enough work for everyone, right?”

I nodded.

“That’s because it takes three glazed people to do the work of one. And I bet you’ve never kissed anyone, never even thought about it.”

I looked down and felt the weak and unfamiliar heat of a blush.

“How do you know?”

“You’re all too doped up to care about anything.”

I considered what he’d said. Maybe that’s what the new dating service was for, to encourage us to do what we couldn’t do on our own. And the food. I remember my dad telling me
one night as we ate soft apples in a cinnamon sauce how he’d grown up near a farm and used to pluck apples right off the trees and eat them on his way home from school. Nothing like that
happened now.

We had three meals a day at regular intervals, and sometimes a snack. I’d never seen any fresh food growing anywhere. It was all done somewhere else, somewhere that wouldn’t bother
us with the noise and smell and equipment. That’s what we were told.

“I still think you’re lying,” I told him and picked up a pastry from my tray and took a bite.

He nodded his head. “I thought as much, but it won’t matter,” he said, standing.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Jesse located some friends of his. They’ll be here tomorrow,” he answered.

“So what?”

“So tomorrow you’re going to get a firsthand look at what it’s like to get off of that,” he said, pointing to my tray.

Dylan walked away, leaving me alone with my food. I tried to be bothered by what he said, but I just couldn’t anymore.

•  •  •

Jesse had been talking about his friend Aaron for years. He always said that Aaron would want out. But when Jesse found his opportunity to disappear—a moment that
coincided with my parents being hauled off—he didn’t have time to save his friend Aaron, too.

He’d been searching for him ever since. It took a long time, but finally he found him and, even though Jesse avoided leaving the safety of the cabins, he did leave for Aaron. After a few
outings, a little research, and one very long road trip, he’d come back, with his friend. Aaron wasn’t on his own, though. He had a family. His daughter, who he was supporting as they
walked through the clearing toward us, didn’t look much older than ten. I was glad I was a guy and closer to his son’s age. I didn’t want to have to watch a kid go through the
withdrawal. Aaron’s wife was already shaking.

Andrew and I went over to help carry their things. In the few days between their discovery and now, we’d made them a space in the Donnelleys’ cabin. It would have to do until we
could build them a new one.

Jesse introduced me as we escorted them in. “This is Dylan, my right-hand man.”

I smiled. It made me glad to know that even though I’d screwed up by bringing Mackenzie here, he still felt he could trust me.

“Dylan, we’re gonna take them straight to Doc Sara. They’ve already missed a meal, so we might as well let it play out. I want you with Austin here,” he said, motioning
to Aaron’s son.

I nodded, feeling exhausted already. He wasn’t as big as Gabe or me, but he still looked like he could to put up a fight.

“What are you doing to them?”

I turned and found Mackenzie standing there, her face almost alight with concern.

“Don’t worry,” Jesse said. “These are my friends. They want to be here.”

Aaron turned to Jesse. “I don’t know how we’ll ever repay you. We knew something wasn’t right but we could never put our finger on it. Thank you. Thank you so
much.”

Jesse shook his head. “You can thank me in three days. Come on. Let’s get you to Doc Sara.”

They moved ahead, and as I watched them walk away I paused to talk to Mackenzie.

“I know you think I’m a liar. I understand why you would, but if you want proof that there’s something inside you keeping you in a daze then you should come. I bet they could
use someone younger to help with the girl.” I looked at her, imploring her to come. I needed her to know that this was real.

She looked as if she was going to leave, but then sighed. “Fine, but only because I know you’re wrong.” She walked ahead of me, and I felt both relieved and dejected. I
wasn’t exactly thrilled by what she was about to see.

•  •  •

It was awful. I’d never seen a person act that way. The little girl, Elaine, stayed in bed and wept as Alicia and I kept her company. She didn’t seem to have the
energy to do much more. Occasionally she pulled up and heaved into a bucket. Alicia gave her water, and then she’d fall back asleep. Still, at least I wasn’t next door, where in another
small room her brother was yelling obscenities. I felt the force of his (or someone else’s) body slam into the wall from time to time. Clearly, he wasn’t taking this easily.

It didn’t take too much to convince me that Dylan was right. I searched for another explanation, and couldn’t find one. It had to be the food.

While Elaine slept, I asked Alicia if it were true, if that was what she meant when she’d said she’d wanted her freedom.

“Yes. I knew something was wrong. At one point I got sick and couldn’t eat for a few days, and I went through something like this. But then,” she paused, shaking her head.
“everything became clear. I ate half portions for a few days while I recovered, and I was still aware of things that I hadn’t really felt before. Like how much I loved my mom. It
wasn’t just that I was attached to her, but I really, really loved her.

“Anyway, Tanya and I were neighbors. I explained how I felt one day and she already knew about it. We decided that we’d rather be able to feel than not, and we left. Monica found us
in the woods at just about the time we’d decided we were giving up and going back. We were starving.”

I considered this. “But if you loved your mom so much, how could you just leave her?”

“At least I can still feel that I love her. And I can miss her. I know that sounds like a poor substitute for actually being with her but you’re still in it,” she said.
“You don’t know what you’re not feeling.”

I tried to focus in on myself. If there had ever been an opportunity to do that, this was it. It was just before lunchtime, and now that I thought about it, my ability to perceive things did
seem easier now, given the time that had passed since breakfast. I tried to dig deep and feel something.

I closed my eyes and tried. I clenched my hands and scrunched my forehead and tried to will myself to feel something more than satisfactory, pleasantness, something beyond the almost warmth of
happiness, the diluted weight of sadness.

A knock came at the door. It was Doc Sara.

“Mackenzie, it’s time for you to eat. Dylan has your lunch,” she said, coming in the room and taking my place. “Two doors down on the left.”

Thrown off by the failure of my own heart, I left. I opened the door two down on the left and found Dylan sitting on one of two thin beds in the room, a tray of his own food in his lap and mine
waiting across from him.

“What happened?” I gasped. Dylan had a purple bruise on his cheekbone, just by his eye.

He gave me a small shrug. “Austin’s a fighter. I’m sure you heard.”

“Yes, but still.” I walked over and put my fingers lightly on the bruise. It was warm. “You should get Doc Sara to look at that.”

“Already did,” he said. “Nothing to do but let it run its course.” He hesitated for a moment. “But your hand feels nice.”

I looked away from the lump and into his eyes. There was something there, something just below the surface. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went to sit on the other bed where my food
was waiting.

I peeled back the film and was pleased to find it still warm. They could be eaten at room temperature, but warm was always better. I looked over at what Dylan was having. Soup and another bowl
of those vibrant strawberries. He caught me looking at them and debated something in his head. He picked up a strawberry and held it out to me.