Breach (31 page)

He toweled off his face before heading back into the bedroom and crawling back into bed.
He walked right past me, shied away from my outstretched hand, and retreated, shutting me out.

Th
ings deteriorated from there.

I’d overheard Shelia ordering that month’s birthday cake, listing off who would be celebrating that month. Nathan’s was mentioned, and
I put it on my calendar, thinking about what to get him. A few days before the date, I asked if he wanted to do anything special. I was shocked by the expression on his face: vacant and bone-chilling.

“Please don’t say that again
, and don’t tell anyone. I don’t celebrate my birthday…not anymore.”

It
was such an odd thing to say, but I let it drop because something inside told me to stay silent. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach, and it was an eerie reminder of a time long before. His birthday passed. I couldn’t even wish him a happy birthday. All I was able to give him was my body, letting him take anything he wanted that night.

It was two da
ys after that when Nathan left early. It was odd, strange for him to leave, let alone in the middle of the morning and without saying anything to me. So, at just after five, I found myself fidgeting with my keys as the elevator ascended the fifteen stories to his condo.

“Nathan?” I called, my voice echoing around the empty walls
as I entered.

A warm
breeze guided me to the balcony off the living room. I stepped out into the warm summer air, my gaze searching for him. I found him sitting at the end of one of the lounge chairs. The sleeves of his charcoal grey shirt were folded up to his elbows, a beer bottle at his feet and a cigarette in his hand as he leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees. His hair was a windblown mess, and his eyes were red.

“Nathan?” I called out to him again. There was no response; he didn’t even look at me.

My mind began running wild with questions and theories. Was he fired? Did someone find out? No, he wouldn’t have reacted that way if such was the case.

A glint of gold reflected in the sunlight and I
searched for the source. Something twirled within the fingers of his left hand. My eyes focused in on a small band of gold, forged into a perfectly round circle.

A wedding band.

I stopped breathing, my chest constricting as the pieces came together. I stood transfixed on the metal as it spun in the light.

His wedding ring.

The thought repeated in my mind as the pieces locked in place. Whatever happened that marred his body, had also marred his heart. His wife had died. That had to be it. That was why he was damaged.

“You
shouldn’t have come today, Lila,” he stated, his voice low and void of emotion, his eyes cast out onto the view of the cityscape as he picked up the beer and took a swig. “I can’t control what I may do. I’ll hurt you; I don’t want to hurt you.”

I pushed him for the first time.
“I’m not going anywhere. Tell me, what’s wrong.”

He whispered so low that I almost missed it. “
Four years ago today everything fell to ruin. Leave, Lila.”

My heart sped, threatening to burst from my chest as his mood from the last week and
a half started to make sense.  “I’m not leaving, not when you’re finally talking.” I stepped closer to him.

He still didn’t look up at me.
“I don’t just mean today. Leave me. What we have is fucked up.”

“It may be fucked up, but it’s helping us
both. We need each other.”

“I’m not good to be around.”

“You are. You
are
good to be around.” My voice broke.

In a flash
, he stood and spun his arm around, releasing the bottle. It crashed into the brick wall, sending droplets of beer and shards of glass everywhere. I jumped back, surprised by his reaction. This anger was different, more potent.

“You don’t fucking get it!
I lost
everything
that mattered most. My family. The family they stole from me, and the one I pushed away for their own safety.”

In two steps
, he was on top of me, lips to mine, heated and desperate. His hands were fisted in my hair, pulling me closer.

“Leav
e me,” he pleaded, pulling back with tears in his eyes. “I can’t lose you the same way I lost her.”

“I’m here, take
solace in me. I need you.”

He growled and walked
me backward and into the wall. “I can’t fucking
do
this to you; I won’t,” he said, but his hands held my arms on either side of my body, the brick biting into my skin, his body pressed tight against my own. He leaned down, his lips capturing mine, his tongue lapping as he attempted to devour me.

I tried to tell him it was okay, that I wanted it, but I couldn’t speak with
how crazed he was.

He released my lips.
“Push me away and leave. Please, Lila!” His hands let mine go and grabbed my hips. With rough hands he dragged my shirt up and over my head. “I don’t want to break you.”

I couldn’t do what he asked. I wanted to take him in and let him see that everything was
all right, that I was there for him.

Manic hands moved back to my waist, his fingers digging in, his passion and desperation increasing. He was clawing at the clasp on my suit pants before he moved to pick me up by my ass and walk
ed us back inside.

He was hard against
my stomach. The vibration of the groan that came out as he set me down, and my body ran down his length, sent an electric fire through me. He released me long enough to tug his own shirt over his head.

He picked me up again and once we reached the bedroom
, we fell onto the bed, his hands grabbing at me, unable to stay in one place. His lips were everywhere, his tongue lapping at any flesh he could find. He latched onto the waist of my pants, his mouth never leaving my breast, and pulled the zipper down before removing them along with my panties. He removed his own pants as well and was on me again, his hands using more force than usual.

He hovered over me for a small second as he lined up
. I looked into his eyes and gasped at the nothingness I saw in them. The lights were on, but I couldn’t find Nathan inside their depths.

He pushed inside and I
arched while I cried out in pleasure. My body welcomed him, my hips rocking up to his.

I wanted to help him, but the situation was rapidly spiraling out
of control. Everything was harder than usual, and every time he pulled out and slammed back in, it increased.

It didn’t take long before I was screaming out his name as I came, my body reacting
to his, the same as always.

His grip grew tighter, kisses rougher, thrusts harder. It was to the point of pain. Everything was coming to a head
; Nathan was breaking.

He was ending us in the same way
we began, but harder. Ripping apart our connection with force. His anger, hurt, and pain laid bare as he took it all out on me.

“
Please, Nathan. Come back to me,” I cried out, but I knew it was useless. I couldn’t pull him out, he was too far gone.

I grabbed his head, a gasp forced out of me at his eyes; blank and glazed over.

My blood ran ice-cold. His eyes always held a fire when he was with me, but it was gone.

He was dangerous, dark and scaring me. I whimpered another soft plea for him to look at me, and come back. My palms stroked his chest as tears threatened to leak out of my eyes.

His hands tightened around my arms, squeezing so hard I cried out in pain. He was shaking, tearless sobs rocking his body.

He kept his mouth away from my neck and shoulder; he wasn’t going to mark me.

This was it. The end.

A tear slid down my cheek.

His grip was harsh, bruising. His nails dug in deep at my hips, much stronger and harder than ever before. I tried to pull away, the pain intensifying, but I couldn’t and he was too far gone to notice.

I couldn’t fault
him for it. I had asked for what was happening. I had let the beast inside of him out, allowed him to be fully unleashed upon me.

My muscles went lax, and I gave in to the sensations, unfolded myself so his needs could be sated and the nightmare
could end.

The tears of anguish
, both physical and emotional, poured from my eyes. I could feel it, his fingers so tight on my flesh. It was too great. We would not survive his pain, survive the night.

I
shouldn’t have come.

Words from the past came crashing down on me.

It’s your fault. You shouldn’t have provoked him
.

I laid beneath him
, tears streaming down my face. Hoping, praying, he would return to me. His muscles tensed, and I felt him empty inside me, collapsing on top of me.

After he had regained somewhat-
normal breathing, his head rose from my chest. I could hardly see; my eyes were slits as I fought for consciousness. But it was enough for me to see recognition return to his eyes, followed by shock, then overwhelming sadness before I passed out.

I awoke sometime later in
my familiar bed. It was neither comfortable nor warm, it was cold and empty. Just like I was.

He wasn’t there
, and I didn’t need to call out to know for certain. His side of the bed lacked body heat.

Gone.

A shiver ran through me. I moved to sit up, but my body cried out in protest, and I looked down to find handprint-shaped bruises blossoming on my arms. There was a stinging sensation on my waist where I found crescent shaped gouges from his nails, along with more bruising and dried blood from where he’d broken skin.

There were other
yellow spots forming on my flesh. I sighed and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I stood up, my legs wobbling, and I stumbled, swaying back into the bed.

A piece of paper crinkled beneath my hand
, and I looked down to find Nathan’s handwriting across the page.

Lila,

I can’t do this
any longer. I refuse to hurt you again. Please keep your distance, and I promise I won’t come to you anymore. We’ll act like we never happened.

Nathan

I read and reread the words on the page, though I had alrea
dy known. His mind was made up.

He left me.

Weak. You’re weak.

Stupid.
You actually believed he had feelings for you?

I stopped breathing, my chest felt as if it was being ripped apart from the inside. The pain was excruciating, doubling me over.

I wasn’t strong enough. Strong enough to fix him, strong enough to heal him, strong enough for myself, or strong enough to hold us together.

Another wave of pain lanced through my chest.

Oh…this is what a heart breaking feels like.

All
the walls I had built to hold the crushing dark abyss gave way, trapping me in its suffocating black depth. I was sent spiraling into the dark, the light fading, my strength gone.

I wasn’t strong enough.

I wasn’t enough.

Never enough.

CHAPTER 24

D
ays, minutes, weeks, years, hours.

I didn’t know how much time had passed, nor did I care.
It was peaceful in the black.

V
oices called to me, whispered echoes surrounded me. I could make them out, if I concentrated. But I didn’t want to concentrate. I wanted the peaceful black.

Most of their words
were lost in the depth, mangled, but I could hear the murmurs all the same.

Caroline, Andrew
…
and
Nathan.