Break You (31 page)

My sobs ripped through the center of my chest, where I’d struggled so hard to suppress them. I squeezed his fingers in mine and brought my other hand to my face. The tears continued to flow relentlessly. Jason sniffled in my ear and I knew he was tearing up too. His hand squeezed mine tighter and I felt the ache in my chest grow as I thought of the words I needed to say.

“It’s gone,” I finally managed. “Our baby is gone. I lost it.”

Another round of sobs racked through my body and I felt my heart shatter and my soul rip to shreds right then. I’d slowly been getting used to the fact I was pregnant, that Jason and I were going to raise a child together, and then it had been ripped from me before I could truly enjoy everything about it. What was wrong with me? This wasn’t something I should be going through. A woman was supposed to bear children. What had happened to take that right as a woman away from me?

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jason whispered against my ear. His hand came up and brushed the damp hair away from my face. “What happened? Are you all right? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with you, is there?”

Everything stopped.

…
there’s nothing wrong with you, is there?
The words floated through my mind once more.

“Of course there’s something wrong with me. This isn’t the natural process. This isn’t something that is supposed to happen, Jason.” The words flew from my lips before I knew I was going to say them.

He leaned up on his elbow and stared down at me. I could feel his eyes, but I never met them. “That’s not what I meant. I just wanted to know if you were okay. Do you have to stay here overnight? Are you in pain?”

“I’m not in much pain now and I can leave when they bring me my papers,” I snapped. “You don’t have to stay. Paige can take me home.”

There was a long moment of silence. I could feel Jason’s muscles tense and he released my hand.

“I don’t have to stay? What the fuck does that mean?” he spat. “I want to stay. You just miscarried our baby. Of course I’m staying with you right now. Paige can leave. I’ll give you a ride home.”

I looked at him then. His blue eyes were dark and wild looking. He hadn’t been crying, but it was clear to see he’d been on the verge of it. What did that say about us, about how we each viewed this baby? I was a complete wreck…and he couldn’t even shed a single tear.

“No. You can leave. I’ll go home with Paige,” I said. My voice was flat, emotionless. My limbs were weak and heavy. I was exhausted. “I just want to be alone tonight.”

Jason sat all the way up in bed, his back to me. I watched as he ran his fingers through his hair and inhaled deeply. He was still dressed in his swim trunks from earlier and a white ribbed tank top. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

I sat up with a wince and leaned back against my palms. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I just want to be alone tonight.”

He glared at me from over his shoulder. “No.” His jaw grew tight. “I’m not leaving you.”

The stench of beer on his breath filled my nose suddenly and I lost it. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t smelled it before. “Where have you been? Have you been partying with Matt and Marla all night?” My blood boiled. If that was where he’d been while I’d been having a miscarriage I never wanted to see him again.

“At my Gramps’ house, thinking about our fight from earlier.”

“Were you drinking?”

He nodded and ran his hands through his hair again. “Yeah.”

“Alone?”

His eyes met mine and I knew he understood what I was really asking—whether Marla was there with him. “Yes, I was alone, Blaire.”

I cut my eyes to the wrinkles in the white sheet I sat on, hating I’d just asked that question. “Please just go. You don’t want to be around me right now—I don’t even want to be around me.”

His hand moved to rest on my knee. “But I do, I want to help you through this. We’re a couple, this is what couples do. They help each other through the tough times.”

A tear slid down my cheek. “But we aren’t, we aren’t a couple. You only wanted to be with me because I was pregnant with your kid…”

“No.” He shook his head. “That’s not true and you know it.”

“It is,” I said. I met his stare and said what I knew would make him walk away so I could be alone like I wanted tonight. “Now that the baby is gone you’re off the hook. You don’t have to pretend with me anymore and you’re free to do whatever you want. Leave.”

His brows drew together. “Is that what you really think, how you view this? That I’m off the hook now?”

I nodded, but didn’t drop his stare. “It is. So just go.”

He eyes remained locked with mine while he chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment. Then he stood and walked to the door. “Fine.” He stepped out without another word.

I crumbled back against the bed and cried. Paige let herself back into the room and came to sit on the edge of my bed. Her hand was cool and gentle as it rubbed against my back to soothe me.

A nurse came in with my papers and some instructions on things to look for over the next ten days. I heard her, but couldn’t focus on her words.

All I could do was cry.

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

JASON

She told me to leave. She thought everything between us had been nothing but pretend. How the fuck could she think that? I pulled at my hair as I paced in the parking lot. A knot formed in my stomach and the tears that had threatened to burst from my eyes in the room finally fell free. Everything came crashing down on me at once and I fell apart right there in the parking lot.

When I finally managed to pull myself together, I cranked my Jeep and headed home.

The lights were off when I pulled into the driveway. Mom was home, but she was sleeping. Wiping the snot from my nose with the back of my hand, I killed the engine and headed inside. My legs had a Jell-O-like quality to them as I walked to the door and down the hall to my bedroom. Flopping on the rickety twin from my childhood, I bawled my eyes out until I fell asleep.

* * * *

The Cross Meadows sign was glaring at me in a mocking way. A cool breeze blew through the trees, causing leaves to fall and dance across the parking lot. I crammed my hands in the front pockets of my shorts. Fall was coming. The signs of it approaching were everywhere.

I hung my head and chewed the inside of my cheek while I waited a few more minutes. I knew Blaire was inside, waiting on me to leave, but I’d decided that I wasn’t going to leave today until she talked to me. It was going on week four since I had walked out the door to her hospital room, and I’d beaten myself up about that moment ever since. I should have stayed. I should have known staying was the only way to prove to her that everything she’d said had been wrong. Instead I’d been an idiot and left, and she hadn’t returned my calls, replied to my texts, or responded to my Facebook messages since.

She’d cut herself from my life and all I wanted was her back.

The automatic doors to the front of the building slid open, but it wasn’t Blaire that came out, it was some short girl with wiry red hair dressed in scrubs. Her face was pinched and her strides were powerful and precise. She was a woman on a mission, and she looked pissed off as hell.

“Blaire doesn’t want to see you. She’s made that clear,” she snapped and I fought the urge to smile. “If you don’t remove yourself from the property so she can get into her car and leave without you interfering, I’m afraid we will have to call the police to have you escorted off.”

I leaned back against the trunk of Blaire’s car a little more. “Is that what she said?”

“Yes,” the woman muttered. “You’ve been warned.” She spun on her heel and started back toward the doors.

Jesus, was this for real? Blaire had sent some man-hating She-Ra out to tell me to leave or she was calling the cops? I pulled out my phone and sent Blaire a text.

No need to call the cops. I’m leaving.

Peeling myself off her car, I sauntered back to my Jeep. I’d be back tomorrow, after work—just like every other day this week—because I was nothing if not persistent. There had been this yearning in me to learn what the doctors had said in regards to why she’d lost our baby, but my reason for wanting to talk with her went deeper than that… I wanted to be with her again.

I missed her. I missed us.

My phone chimed in my pocket. When I pulled it out and glanced at the screen my heart skipped a beat. It was Blaire.

Just leave me alone, Jason. Everything happened the way it did for a reason. We weren’t meant to be together. I can accept that, why can’t you? ~ Blaire

My eyes skimmed across the screen, rereading her words. They were wrong on so many levels.

I don’t buy that at all. Not even for a second. Bad things happen, Blaire, simple as that. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

I cranked my Jeep and reversed out of my parking space. As I drove past the automatic double doors to the building, I caught a glimpse of Blaire standing on the other side of them. Her face was expressionless as she watched me drive away.

She looked just as broken as I felt inside.

When I pulled into the driveway behind my mom’s car, I cut the engine and sat there. I checked my phone to make sure Blaire hadn’t responded back and I just didn’t hear it, but she hadn’t. Slipping it into my pocket, I grabbed my keys and climbed out. Mom met me at the door. She opened it and I walked in past her.

“How did it go? Did you get to talk to Blaire at all this time?” she asked.

I didn’t look at her; I already knew the look that would be reflected on her face. It was one I’d seen on more than one occasion since I told her what had happened—hope—and I couldn’t stomach the sight of it right now.

“Not really.” I opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. “I watched for her the entire visit with Gramps and never saw her.”

I was sure the nurses she worked with had some sort of secret code for me being in the vicinity so she would stay away, because too much time had passed for us not to run into each other there.

“But?” There was that sense of hopefulness. It had made its way into her voice now.

It had killed Mom when I told her the news about the baby. Later, when I thought on it more, I understood why. It was like the universe was dead set on bringing all these wonderful things into our lives and then ripping them away just when we were happy and content.

I popped the top on my soda. “There really is no but… One of the girls she works with came out and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave, so I left.”

A gasp escaped her. “She wouldn’t.”

“I have no clue.” I took a sip of my soda and crammed my other hand into my pocket while I leaned against the kitchen counter. “She did send me a text finally.”

“What did it say?” She grabbed a rag off the counter and began wiping at an area where whatever it was she’d attempted to cook last night had splattered.

I handed her my phone, the message still pulled up, and let her read it for herself.

“You said the right thing.” She handed me the phone back and smiled. “She’s just devastated right now over all this, honey. I’m sure she’ll come around.”

“Yeah, when?” I scoffed. “And I’m just as devastated by this as her.” I sounded like a child. I knew this, but I didn’t care.

It was the truth.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

BLAIRE

I peeked out the double doors to search the parking lot for Jason. He wasn’t there, leaning against my car like yesterday. For a split second I wondered if it was because he’d started that internship at the children’s home. If so, I was sure he was doing great with it. A small smile twisted the corners of my lips as I thought of this, but I forced the smile away.

Turning, I forced all thoughts of Jason out of my mind and headed to finish taking vitals on my last two residents before leaving for the night. As I walked down the hall his text from last night flashed through my mind again.

I don’t buy that at all. Not even for a second. Bad things happen, Blaire, simple as that. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

My lips dipped into a frown. Jason would know the truth to those words better than anyone, because he’d already lost too much—his father, his grandmother, and now his Gramps was barely hanging on by a thread. We’d already notified his mom a week ago that his health was dropping drastically. He wouldn’t last much longer.

Bert, an old man who insisted we call him by his first name, hobbled past me with a grin. He never talked much, only when he didn’t like something, but he always had a smile on his face. As I stepped into my first resident’s room, I happened to glance back down the hall and caught a glimpse of Bert walking out the front door. The alarm went off and Bert started moving faster. I dashed down the hall to stop him.

This was not uncommon. Bert had attempted to escape on more than one occasion. Thank goodness for the system Cross Meadows had in place. Each resident wore a bracelet and when they went through any of the outside doors, it went off.

Bert had made it to the middle of the parking lot when I bolted through the double doors and spotted him. I moved around to the front of him as quickly as I could. “Bert, what are you doing out here? Did you get lost?” I asked, using my sweetest voice. I learned early on that in situations like this, residents could become mean and nasty real quick. “Let’s get you back inside.”

“No!” he shouted like a toddler and flung his arm out of my grip.

Great, he was going to be a fighter this time. I glanced at the doors, wondering when someone was going to come out and help me. There was no way I could get him back inside by myself.

“Bert, you know you shouldn’t be out here.” I attempted to grip his arm again, but he swung at me. His fist barely missed connecting with my jaw. This was one of the main issues with my occupation—uncooperative residents. “Bert, let’s go.” I gripped his arm tighter and used my most firm voice.

He bit me.

“Ouch!” I shouted and smacked his hand so he’d release me. “Damnit, Bert!”