Breaking All the Rules (31 page)

              Her closet and drawers were almost empty. She changed into an old pair of pink pajama bottoms with martinis on them and dug out a tank top, purple with a bleach stain on the stomach. Mia let out a sad laugh as she padded into her kitchen and ransacked her small liquor cabinet. Her outfit reflected how she felt. In need of a drink, thrown together, and stained.

              She dug to the back of the cabinet and pulled out a mason jar. She had drank a lot of things over her lifetime, but moonshine was something she had never indulged in. The jar held home brewed moonshine straight from Kentucky. One of the more contemporary country artists that had been signed to Monarch had gifted it to her after she cleared up the mess that surrounded the bust on his property where police found distillery equipment.

              It was his. But the police didn’t need to know that. The artist had a lot of land and was barely in the state. He hadn’t been found brewing the moonshine or with the equipment, so Mia helped convince the law by letting them know he was in New York or on tour eleven out of twelve months a year and someone had probably snuck onto his property to set up shop. Her words and suggestion had gotten the artist from under the thumb of local police and earned her a jar of apple pie shine.

              She sat on her counter stool and unscrewed the lid. Cautiously, she sipped the intimidating liquid from the jar. It burned. The fire in her throat spread to her belly and Mia blinked rapidly, her mouth puckering as she drew back from the jar. It was a kick that would make her head hurt in the morning, but it was just what she needed to get through the night.

              The loud pounding on her door came sooner than she expected. She had sat and taken tiny sips of the moonshine as she waited for Benson’s arrival. She hadn’t texted him, and that’s how she knew he would show up. From the sound of his voice yelling her name on the other side, she knew he was angry. Angry she could deal with.

              She opened the door and prepared for the fight, but what was on the other side was a man who was more than angry. His eyes were so dark they appeared black, a sure sign of the irritation and anger he was feeling, but his face also held relief and the slightest twitch of hurt. Mia knew what was about to come would be more than anger, and she definitely couldn’t handle it.

              He stormed in and paced in tight circles as he struggled to find his words. Finally, he stopped and looked directly at her. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, then pointed at her and snapped,

              “What the
fuck
are you doing?”

              She winced and stared at him for a heated moment before walking over to her island and taking a healthy swallow of the moonshine. She was going to need a little more of it before she could talk to him. Benson followed and snatched the jar from her hand. Sniffing it, he recoiled and put it down so quickly it spilled over the edges.

              “I don’t even want to know what the hell that is,” He seethed. “I can’t believe you, right now, Mia. And if you think by sitting there not saying anything you’re going to force me to leave, then you’re going to be disappointed.”

              “I’m going to lose my job,” Her voice was weak and not her own. “I’m going to lose my job because of you.”

              His face fell and he rushed to her side. He was torn between white hot anger for her boss and complete heartache for the woman in front of him. “Anne said that?”

              Mia shook her head, “No, but I will. I’m going to lose everything.”

              “You’re overreacting.”

              “I love you,” She announced as she stood and walked back to the center of her living room. “I love you more than I thought possible, but I can’t lose everything I have worked so hard for.”

              “You’re not doing this,” His words were a low warning, but inside his stomach was flipping with fear. He stalked to her side and cupped her face. “Mia Elizabeth Barnes, you need to stop talking right now.”

              “I don’t want to leave you,” Mia’s voice cracked as the tears in her eyes spilled. “I just need to clear my head.”

              “Mia,” He paused and took a shallow breath, a hand running through his hair, “I thought something happened to you. You never called, and when I went by your office looking for you, the cleaning lady said you left. I was so worried I almost got sick.”

             
Oh, God.
The look on his face made Mia sob harder, but when he went to pull her into a hug, she wiggled away. She didn’t want to look at him any longer, but she couldn’t help but gaze at the man falling apart in front of her. He was still and quiet. When she met his eyes, she wished she hadn’t. Silent tears slid down his face.

              “I don’t want to be my mom, Benson. I can’t leave my future in someone else’s hands. I need my career for my own mental health. I can’t let myself end up like her.”

              “You think I would ever hurt you?” He questioned with a quiver in his voice. “You damn well know I would give up everything for you. I would do anything for you. I nearly bought you a private island and sold everything I owned. Or do you not remember? How you said you didn’t want to leave? You were willing to give up your career yesterday, Mia. I don’t know what changed.”

              “We can’t live in paradise forever.”

              “We can, too,” His voice was hard and any traces of his tears were gone. “I don’t need an island to have paradise. All I need is you.”

              Her head was spinning so hard she had to lean against the back of a chair for support.

              “Please,” She begged. “I just need…”

              His hand jerked her face towards him and she jumped. His touch softened and he cupped her face. She stilled as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, then nose, and finally her lips. While short and chaste, the kiss was passionate enough to make more tears spring from the corners of her eyes. He loved her, and she was breaking him apart.

              “If you need space, I will give you space,” He whispered softly, words etched with heartache. “I will give you days, weeks, months. Whatever you need to realize that I love you, and I will offer you nothing but unconditional love for the rest of your life. I’m going to marry you, Mia. Someday, I’m going to marry you.”

              He let go of her face and silently walked out of her apartment. He couldn’t bear to look at her again. If he did, he would burst. He leaned against the outside of the cool door to catch his balance, only to hear her guttural sobs on the other side. Shakily, he tore himself away hoping the space she needed between them wouldn’t kill him.

Chapter Fifteen

              A suitcase arrived the next day with Mia’s clothing. Benson had kept a few of her tee shirts and exchanged them for his own. That night without him, she cried herself to sleep surrounded by clothes that smelled like him. They were a poor substitute.

              Over the weekend, she didn’t trust herself to be alone. His face was still the background on her phone and laptop. She smelled him throughout her empty apartment. At night, she could feel his lingering touches. She couldn’t sit in silence because she would find herself dialing his number.

              She spent all weekend at Lora’s apartment. They didn’t change out of their pajamas. It felt good to have a sleepover with her best friend. Other than during the holidays at her parents’ house when they would share her full size bed and giggle like teenagers as they fell asleep, they rarely spent the night together crying over Lifetime movies and binge eating takeout.

              The work week brought more sadness. Mia threw herself into cases, working herself hard. Burnside was back in the studio recording, and she found herself visiting them often. Her friends were recovering from their tragedy and were working for their dream. Why couldn’t she? The reality of losing Benson had settled. He was gone, and the heavy ache in her chest was only growing larger with every day.

              The last weeks of October were painfully slow. Mia was thankful she had her work to keep her warm, but when Anne popped her head in Mia’s office one day and gave her a nod and a genuine “You’ve been working hard the past few weeks. Good job.” she didn’t even feel the slightest ting of approval or happiness. In fact, her stomach churned even more. She had given up everything to hear Anne say those words, and they left her empty.

              The Friday before Halloween, Mia sat crossed legged on Lora’s floor shaking her head in protest.

              “I will drag you there in your pajamas if I have to,” Lora warned, wagging a finger. “You’re going to the ball. It’s part of your job.”

              “It is not,” Mia huffed. “I don’t want to go. End of story.”

              “It’ll be fun, Mia,” Zach offered.

              Lora gazed at her boyfriend and smiled, then turned back to Mia, “Yeah. You have been working too hard the past couple of weeks. Put on a mask, have a few drinks, and just stop worrying about everything so much.”

              “I won’t have fun if I’m alone. If I don’t go, we can all go to Feathers. Do you remember how crazy it was there the Halloween of our senior year at NYU?”

              “We are too old for body shots and fishnets.”

              “Fishnets, huh?” Zach quipped with a shy smile.

              Mia really liked Zach. He was perfect for her best friend. And his shyness, Lora confided, stopped at the bedroom door. It wasn’t as if Mia needed confirmation from her friend that her boyfriend was an animal in bed. She’d heard the two from her makeshift bed on the couch.

              Lora gave him a playful punch, though her attention was on Mia, “What if I agree to go with you? I sign over my rights and will allow you to be my fairy godmother for the evening.”

              Mia perked up, “Really?”

              She had been trying to convince Lora to go with her for years. Lora insisted each year it wasn’t her scene and she didn’t have the correct clothes, and even after Mia offered to counter her Cinderella friend and spoil her with a gown and a makeover, she would still refuse.

              “Only because I want to stalk down Heir.”

              Mia eyed Zach, “Is that okay with you? I could call around and see if any of my coworkers aren’t taking a date and snag an extra invite if you want to go.”

              He shook his head quickly, “You two need a night out together. I’ll just hold up at my place and as many horrible horror movies as I can.”

              “I change my mind!” Lora exclaimed, then whined. “I want to watch horror movies with you.”

              “No take-backs,” Mia laughed, something she hadn’t done since she was in Sian Kaan with Benson.

              “How about a compromise, sweetheart? We can make some popcorn and make a bed on the floor out here and watch movies until we fall asleep.”

              Zach’s words nearly made Lora melt. Mia smiled and looked down. Her best friend was a goner.

              “And then I will pick you up at noon tomorrow so we can go shopping,” Mia added.

              “Don’t think you can get out of movie night with us,” Zach flashed a goofy grin in her direction.

              Mia didn’t object. Nearly all of Lora’s blankets were folded at the edge of the couch, as Mia had been spending the nights there to stay away from an apartment that didn’t feel like home. At her friend’s place, she didn’t have to confront phantom memories of Benson occupying the space, and she only had to fight the loneliness as she stilled for bed.

              The three created a makeshift theater in front of the television. Lora retrieved the pillows and blanket from her bed, adding them to the mountain on the ground. Mia embraced the mess that used to irritate her when she visited Lora. The three of them found comfortable spots within the fluff, their heads resting against the back of the couch. With Lora in the middle holding a large blue serving bowl full of popcorn and Zach and Mia flanking either side, they put on
Nightmare on Elm Street
.

              A few hours later with in the late hours of the evening, Zach and Lora were sleeping as the third installment of the movie began. Mia fumbled for the remote and muted it, curling away from the cuddling couple and facing the emptiness that consumed her every evening.

              She missed Benson. She missed the way they fit perfectly together as he held her. She missed his smooth skin and his breath on her neck. She missed his smile, his laugh, his touch. She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself not to cry, lest she wake up the couple beside her. She hated forcing her sadness on them just as much as she hated pretending to be happy.

              Mia pulled a pillow from behind her and held it close. It wasn’t Benson, but it would have to do.

              The next morning they stirred early with sore backs and headaches. After they polished a pot of coffee and a carton of eggs, Lora and Zach excused themselves to the bathroom. Mia awkwardly changed out of the pajamas Lora had provided and into her work clothes from the previous day. She glanced in the mirror, frowning. Without the previous day’s makeup smudged off during sleep, her eyes were even more sunken in and dull. Mia pulled her hair back and shrugged. It wasn’t as if she had anyone to impress anymore.

              After Lora emerged from the shower with a flush face only achieved from a good orgasm. Two dozen kisses later, the two friends were on their way to the closest Nordstrom. They stopped at a chain coffee store on a corner on their way, quickly slurping down the sugary drinks. As soon as they stepped through the glass doors, Mia wished she could run away.

              She didn’t want to go to the masquerade party. The thought of wearing a beautiful gown and parading around engaging in formalities was near sickening. But Lora seemed genuinely excited to get dressed up and go, and she wasn’t going to rob her friend from that opportunity… especially when Mia wasn’t sure if there would be another chance to take her. She was at the office more often than not during the week, but that didn’t ensure her next contract in May.

              This could be the last Monarch masquerade ball she would attend, and dammit, she was going to do it right.

              As soon as they began eyeing the gowns, the worries for the evening began to trickle away. No, she didn’t want to go, and no she didn’t feel like getting dressed up. But before she sent Benson away with her sanity, Mia loved designer clothes and looking good. She noticed all the dresses she was grabbing were dark- shades of black and blues. She snorted in her dressing room.
At least my dress will match my mood
.

              “Are you ready?” Mia called out to the dressing room next to hers.

              “I don’t know why I let you put me in this thing,” Lora returned. The door clicked and she could hear her friend exit to the trifold mirrors. “I’m in love with it, and it’s like two hundred bucks out of my price range.”

              Mia swept out of her own dressing room and stared at Lora. Unlike the light and plain dresses she had picked out for herself, the dress Mia had picked was a jaw dropper. A strapless mermaid gown the color of the ocean on a stormy day, the piece accentuated her curves and rested perfectly on her hips. Her pale skin seemed creamier under the glow of the blue. When their eyes met in the mirror, Mia knew Lora saw how pretty she looked.

              “Well good thing I’m buying it then,” Mia said as she stepped up beside her.

              “Absolutely not!” Lora said quickly, raising her hands. “No.”

              “Fairy godmother, remember?

              Lora gazed down at Mia’s dress, “Maybe fairy godmother to Ozzy Osbourne. Definitely not Cinderella.”

              The black Vera Wang cap sleeve gown was a portrait of romantic elegance. An extremely delicate and exceptionally beautiful lace overlay sheathed the gown. The skirt swept the floor slightly and featured the slightest of pleats. It was her favorite out of all the dresses she had tried on.

              “It’s too soft to be the dress of Ozzy’s fairy godmother. I bet she would have leather and spikes, not lace. You’re just going to have to suck it up. Your fairy godmother is wearing this,” Mia pointed at herself and then at Lora, “And buying you that.”

              Lora bit her lip, “I want it, Mia, but I can’t ask you to buy it for me.”

              “Good thing you’re not asking.”

              Lora shook her head in disbelief, “Fine, but I’m going to wear this to Thanksgiving for three years straight to make me feel better about it.”

              They both retreated to their respective dressing rooms.

              “I’m sure Zach would love that,” She teased.

              “I’m a little nervous about having him meet my family.”

              “Why? They’ll love him. He’s a great guy, Lora.”

              “Because I think
I
love him, and it’s like as soon as I introduce him to everyone our relationship will get a thousand times more real.”

              “You either love him or you don’t. And it’s not like what you have isn’t real right now.”

              “I thought I loved my boyfriend in high school. I thought I loved the boy I dated from my residency hall in college. But what I feel with Zach is completely different. If what I felt with those two guys was love, then what do I have with Zach?”

              Mia knew the feeling all too well. It was almost painful, listening to her friend struggle with the feelings Mia had gone through over the past month. She had loved Aaron, or she thought she did. But she had definitely loved Grant. With Benson, it was a different kind of love. Passionate, deep, and slow burning. It went beyond love.

              “He’s your soulmate,” Mia’s voice was hoarse. She left the dressing room with her gown carefully hung in her hand.

              Lora emerged a few seconds later with big eyes. She opened her mouth to say something about Zach, but when she saw the emotions stretched thin on Mia’s face, she closed it and rubbed her back with tender affection.

              “Don’t let your soulmate go… no matter how scary it feels… no matter what stands in your way. Don’t let him go.”

              Unable to form words, Lora just nodded. She had watch her best friend fall apart, broken by her own mistakes with Benson, all while she babbled on about her own relationship. Of course, she had realized it was probably not the best thing to talk about when Mia was still reeling from the loss of the one man who seemed to know her the best. But Mia always seemed happy and eager to discuss Zach. It wasn’t until she stood silently crying in the middle of a Nordstrom dressing room that the pain from the restless nights was apparent.

              Mia wiped her eye with the sleeve of her sweater, “Come on. We still have to hit up the costume shop for our masks.”

              Lora didn’t protest when Mia took her gown or when the total was near thirteen hundred dollars. Her dress cost two times less than Mia’s did, but it was still staggering to see the number on the tiny screen.

              As they walked to the costume shop two blocks away, Mia told Lora she had gone to that particular shop for the past five years. Mia gave a genuine smile as they walked into the tiny store bursting with rich fabrics and bright colors. There were racks of costumes and walls of accessories. Every possible piece of prop jewelry or obscure costume a person could need would be inside the cramped store.

              “I didn’t think you were going to show up this year! Tisk, tisk. Waiting until the last minute.”

              Mia turned to the familiar voice of the store’s owner. He was a thin middle aged man with cartoonish features. On his head was a pink cheetah print top hat, and a tape measure was wrapped haphazardly around his waist over his plain black shirt. His neon green pants were tucked into equally bright pink Doc Martin’s that matched the color of his top hat. The man was a curious enigma.