Breaking Free (26 page)

“I know,” I say, pulling him closer and resting my chin on top of his head.  “I’m sorry.  I know this doesn’t mean much, but my feelings for you haven’t changed one bit.”

He tilts his head up to look at me.  Sniffling, he says, “It means a lot.
  I thought you’d be afraid of me.”

I shake my head.  “No. 
Never.  You wouldn’t hurt me.  You wouldn’t hurt anyone good.  I don’t think you’ll ever hurt anyone again.  It’s caused too much pain.”

We sit like that for at least
half an hour, until the moon is shining brightly and the stars start twinkling overhead.

“Hey, JC?” I
eventually ask.

“Yeah?”

“Was your court order for therapy fulfilled with your time in Wilderness Therapy?”

“No.  I have to work with Marta weekly over the next
two years to get enough hours.”  He stretches out his arms. “So, where are we going next for this date?” he asks, feigning an upbeat attitude, but his slumped shoulders and dark eyes make it clear he’s drained.

“Well, originally, I thought we’d stop at IN-N-OUT Burger and then watch a movie at home.  Once we got dressed up, I thought I’d take you to a nice Italian restaurant and then out to a movie.”

“I think the first option sounds better.  I’m not really feeling up to being out.”

“Okay.  We’ll do something nice another time.  We can even bring the burgers home and chill out there.”

We say bye to Jenna, pick up our food, and then return to my house.  JC’s family is in the guest house and my dad and Daisy are sitting in the living room, next to each other on the couch.  It seems he’s forgetting his aversion to dog hair on the furniture.

“You two look nice,” he says, looking away from the movie on the television.  When he spots the bag of burgers, he scoffs.  “You got dressed up and went there?”

“We visited Jenna and then decided to have a relaxing date at home instead of going out.”

“So you probably want the living room to yourselves?”

“That or my bedroom.”

He jumps up and tells us he’ll be in his office.

“You sure know how to clear out a room,” JC says, helping me get plates from the cabinets.  We load up our food and then take them to the sofa to join Daisy.  She wags her tail so I give her a fry.

That night, we’re quiet.  JC doesn’t even try to convince me to sleep with him, although we do both end up falling asleep on the couch.  The last thing I remember is him kissing the
scars on my arm and whispering, “You’re my fairy tale come true, Mal.”

Chapter 41
:  November 22

I spend Saturday with
Elise like normal and then my dad wakes me up early on Sunday by pounding on my door.

“What?
” I mumble.

“I have a great idea for today.”

I yawn and then pad to the door.  As soon as I open it, he pushes his way inside.  “I forgot your birthday this year so I think we should celebrate it today.”

“What?”

“At Disneyland.  We’ll take JC and his family.  It will be fun.  Just like your …”  He scrunches up his forehead and then finally says, “fourth birthday.”

“That’s funny. That’s exactly what Jenna wanted to do.  She thought we should re-create the photo from that day.”

“The one of you wearing mouse ears?”

I nod.

“Brilliant idea!  Where is it?” he asks, looking around my room.

I grab my baby book of
f my bookshelf and then flip to the end.  It’s the last thing in there.  It’s the last picture of me until I got my own camera in fifth grade.

He pulls it out of the plastic and studies it.  “We
can do this,” he says, nodding.

“I’m not sitting on your shoulders.”

“Sure you are.”

“I’m a grown
woman and you’re in your fifties.  It’ll probably give you a heart attack.”

“Don’t be silly.  I’m as fit as I’ve ever been.  We’ll have to find some ears with a birthday hat when we get there.  I’m sure they’ll have them in the gift shops
…”  He’s already planning the day in his head.

“I have to meet with Marta,” I say, b
efore he gets ahead of himself.

“I already called her. You can text her later today to reschedule.  Now, go get ready.”

“Yes, sir,” I say with a salute and a laugh.

While I’m showering and dressing, he runs to the guest house and shares our plans with JC’s family.  By the time I’m done, everyone is together in our kitchen, dri
nking coffee and eating donuts.

As soon as they see me, the
y break out in song.  “Happy birthday to you.  Happy birthday to you …”  I roll my eyes, but let them finish.

Once they do, I say, “You
realize it’s not my birthday, right?”

“Let your dad have his fun,” JC’s mom says.  “He’s trying to make up for lost time.”

JC rests his arm on my waist.  I was a little worried our relationship might be strained after our conversation at the cemetery, but if anything, we’ve grown closer.  I think we both realize that our love is completely unconditional.  There’s no need for any secrets because we aren’t going to judge one another.  We’ve both shown our unyielding love and acceptance and there’s nothing that can break that.

“It’s not often I get to celebrate someone’s birthday twice in one year,” he says.

“It’s not often that I have a fake birthday party.”

He kisses me
softly on the lips and then hands me his mug.  “Coffee?”

My dad’s watch beeps. 
“Time to go!  We need to get there early so we don’t miss out on any of the rides.”

I accept the
mug and take a big gulp.  I may need it to keep up with my dad all day.

An hour and half later, we walk through the gates and ex
perience the magic of Disney.

“Have you ever been to a Disney park?” I ask JC as we stroll down Main Street holding hands.

“No.  This is something.”

“
Something good or something bad?”

“Just something.”

I nudge him in the ribs.  “Doesn’t it make you feel like a little kid again?”

“Maybe I’m not giving myself into the full Disney experience yet.”

“We need to get you on a few rides and stuff some cotton candy down you, then see what you say.”

When we
reach the castle, my dad stops, opens up his map, and pulls out the picture.  “This is where it was taken,” he says.  “Should we do it now or come back later?”

“Later,” I reply automatically.

He nods.  “I agree.  It looks like the sun was going down in this picture.”  He squints at the sky and then adds, “It will probably be right around three.  We’ll come back then.”

I shake my head at his
seriousness over this.  He is certainly feeling the Disney magic.

We spend the next four and half hours making our way through Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, and Frontierland.  Somewhere between
Space Mountain and the Buzz Lightyear ride, JC turned into a little kid.  It took all of about thirty minutes.  After that, we’d barely exit one ride before he’d run ahead to see what was next.  Poor Nana was getting so exhausted, hobbling on her cane to keep up with him, that we had to get her a wheelchair.  Since then, he’s been rolling her with him.

“So, are you having fun?” I ask, as we sit on
Thunder Mountain, going up the first hill.

“Yeah.  This was a great idea.  We should do this every year for your birthday.”

“My real birthday or …”  I twist his wrist so I can glance at his watch.  “November 22
nd
?”

He smiles and leans over to kiss me just as we reach the top of the hill.  When we begin our descent, his arms fly up and he screams the entire way down.
  I scoot a little closer to him and enjoy his playful side that’s totally new to me.  We’ve never been in a situation like this.  It’s always been hard work or someone’s hurt or we’re exposing our raw scars to each other.  Right now, we’re forgetting all of that and just having fun.  I could definitely get used to this.

When the ride is over, we gather by Nana who was waiting under a tree.  My dad pulls out the photo again and holds it up to the sky.  Rotating his body a bit, he says, “I think it’s time.  Let’s go to the front of the castle.”

We follow him and then JC and I sit on a bench, sharing a funnel cake while he searches stores for the mouse ears with a birthday hat.  Nana and JC’s mom look at the map to find a good place for dinner.

“Got it!” my dad yells, joining
us again in no time.  “Put this on.”

I take it from his hands, but it’s really
tiny.  “I think this is for kids, Dad.”

“That’s all they had.  We’ll have to make do.”

I try stretching the elastic over my chin, but it feels like it’s going to snap, so I dig a couple bobby pins out of my bag to use instead.  Once I have it clipped on, I model for everyone, turning around so they can see me from every angle.  “How do I look?’

“Lovely,” Nana says.

“Very nice,” JC’s mom says.

“Perfect,” my dad, says referring to the photo.

“Ridiculous,” JC says, hugging me from behind.  “But you know you’re always beautiful to me, even with mouse ears three sizes too small.”

My dad holds the picture up again and positions himself in the perfect spot.  “Okay, Kelsie, climb on my shoulders.”

“How about I stand next to you?”

“No, no.  We’ve got to do this right.  You’re a cheerleader; you should know how to get up there.”

“Usually I climb on someone’s leg.”

“Here, I’ll help you,” JC says, joining us.  He picks me up by my waist as my dad squats down a little.

“Don’t let him fall,” I say to JC as my dad tries to stand with all my weight.  He grabs onto his arm and helps him up.

“You take the
picture,” my dad says to JC, handing him his phone and the photo.  “Make sure we’re lined up just like this.”

JC takes a few steps back and squints between the photo and the screen of the phone.  He
moves two feet to the left and then stares at the photo again.  “Hey, you’re supposed to have an ice cream cone, Mal,” he says, walking back to us and showing my dad the photo.

My dad stares at it and then says, “He’s right.”  He
hands JC a few dollars and tells him to go get one.

“I can’t wait on your shoulders that whole time.
”

“I’m fine.”

“Run, JC!”

Just when I’m worried my dad can no longer hold me, JC
rushes back with two cones.  One has Superman and the other has mint chocolate chip.

“Why did you get two?”
I ask.

“I couldn’t tell what color it was in the photo.  It looked like it had some green
or blue and these were the only two options that could possibly match.”

“Like it matters?”

“Your dad wants this to be perfect.”

My dad studies the photo again, but ultimately
decides he can’t tell.  “It’s too far away.”

“
A four-year old probably liked Superman,” JC says, handing me that one.

I nod and take it from him.

“Wait,” my dad says, grabbing it from my hand.  “I think you had mint chocolate chip.”  He pauses and then continues, “I vaguely remember us getting the ice cream.  You got something really sweet like bubblegum or something and I got mint chocolate chip.  As soon as you saw what I was eating, you decided you wanted that flavor.  You wouldn’t touch the other one so I had to buy you a new one.  That was back when you wanted to be like your dad.”

His story
is a punch to the gut.  Not the story so much, but the message he took away from it.  “I still want to be like my dad,” I whisper, taking the other cone from JC’s hands.

“You shouldn’t.  I’ve been a shitty dad.”  We both glance to Nana, but she just shakes her head.  Apparently she’s not enforcing the cuss r
ule during family bonding time.

“
There were a number of bad years, but the last few months have been good,” I say, trying to reassure him.

“They have, haven’t they?”

“Yes.”  I truly mean that.  He’s kept his promise.  He’s put me first.  He’s gotten to know me, the almost-adult me, not the little kid he last knew.  “Someday, I hope I can be as good of a parent as you’ve become the last few months.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  I love you, Dad.”

“Okay, picture time,” JC says
, taking the Superman cone from my dad and handing it to his mom.  Standing in front of us, he says, “On three … one … two … three …”  I dip my lips in the ice cream until they’re covered, smile, and cock my head to the side to match the little girl in the photo.  I’ve looked at that thing so many times, I could match it in my sleep.

“That’s good, Mal,” JC says, comparing th
e two photos. “You got it right, down to the ice cream all over your face.”

I lick my lips and then say, “When I do something, I go all out.  Now get me down.  My dad is going to break his back.”

JC helps me down and then we all get a good laugh at the new photo.  I can’t even imagine what all the onlookers thought.  It doesn’t matter anyway.  The only people I care about are those standing with me and I just made my dad’s day.  Maybe his year with my comment about his current parenting skills.

The
rest of the afternoon and evening is a whirlwind.  Between the rides, dinner, and shows, it speeds by way too fast.  At nine o’clock, Nana is looking exhausted and the rest of us are yawning.

“Sho
uld we head home?” my dad asks.

“What about the fireworks?”
I say.

“You want to stay for that?”

I nod and look at everyone else.  “Unless you’re too tired, Nana.”

“Don’t be silly.  We’re here.  We’re going to see it all.”

With that, we find a perfect location on the side of the castle where my dad and JC’s mom can sit on a bench next to Nana’s wheelchair.   JC leans against a nearby tree and I lower myself in front of him.   He pulls me towards him so my back is against his chest and his legs are next to mine.

I relax into him and rest my head on his shoulder.  “This was fun,” I say.

“One of the best days of my life.”

I watch a little kid
with messy hair and chubby red cheeks throw a glow stick in the air and try to catch it.  His family laughs every time it falls to the ground, inches from his tiny fingers.  The lawn in front of us is scattered with at least fifty other families just as happy and full of life.

“
Do you think we’re going to be okay?” I ask.

“
I think so.”  After a pause he adds, “Eventually we’ll forgive ourselves for what we did.  And believe in ourselves again.  Until then, we just need to be strong.”

“It’s
easier to be strong with you by my side.”

He runs his fingers along my arm which
now looks like Kris’ thigh with all the white scars.  There are no scabs or raised red marks indicating recent cutting.

“
I’ve seen most of your body,” he says with a wicked grin, “and it looks like you did pretty well without me.”