Breaking Free (9 page)

Chapter
11:  August 24

“
God, I was scared
,” I say, focusing on Marta and coming out of my memory.  I’m still at the island and gripping the journal so hard my knuckles are white.  Marta has taken the seat next to me.  Her book of crossword puzzles is on the counter, but she’s absently tapping her pencil against it rather than writing any answers.

“What happened?”

“JC almost drowned.  Then he and Bling almost got into a fight.  It was awful.  I was so hyped up, I couldn’t even sleep that night.  I just kept replaying the whole evening in my mind.  We were so lucky nothing bad happened.”

“
Was JC scared?” she asks.

“When he was in the river, yes.  Later that night, I’m not sure.  We sat around the campfire like usual, but he was quiet.  Contemplative, maybe?  I have no idea
what he was thinking, though.”

“What’s his journal say about that night?”

My head snaps down to the notebook held tightly in my hands.  “Good point.  We can know exactly what he was thinking.”  I turn the page to the correct entry and lay the notebook flat in between us so we can both read it.

Day 6:  Today is not a day I ever want to repeat. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes as I drifted down that damn river.  I am confident I’d be dead if Mal and Jason hadn’t been there.  Mal tried to downplay her role, but I know she risked her life for me.  I’m not a spiritual person despite Mama’s and Nana’s wishes, but I can’t overlook the signs.  It’s as though Mal and I were meant to meet.  Like fate or destiny or something.  We both had a parent walk out on us.  We both lost someone important to us and feel responsible for their death.  Then there’s the most unlikely connection of all--they died on the same day.  What are the chances of that?

This must be the reason I’ve been drawn to her from the beginning.  Even with her whiny attitude the first couple days, I knew there was something more to her. It was as if I could look past the angry shell to see what’s in her heart.  Her pure, beautiful, tortured heart that resembles mine in so many ways, yet is so different in the ways that matter most.

There’s a good chance this could be the wild ramblings of someone after a near-death experience and I’ll laugh at my entry tomorrow morning.  Or I could be falling for this girl.  A girl who, on the outside, seems like an impossible match for me, but on the inside might be the one person who would understand me if I told her the hideous truth about what I did.

I rest my hands on the counter and stare at his writing.  That was not what I expected.

“What did he do?” Marta asks.

I turn and stare at her without speaking, still trying to process his words.

“Did you understand what he did?” she asks, pointing to the last line on the page.

My eyes follow her fingers and then I slowly shake my head.  “I don’t think he ever told me.  I don’t remember anything shocking.”

“You looked stunned
.”

I
nod.  “He liked me.”

“Of course he liked you.  You’re a
beautiful person, inside and out.”

Her comment brings me out of my daze and
I scowl at her because her words aren’t true.  “He never told me he liked me like that.”

“Did you like him?”

“As a friend.  A really good friend.  Like, by the end, rivaling Jenna good.  I thought he felt the same.”  There was the last night when things went to a different level, but Marta doesn’t need to know about that.  Besides, that was more a result of the situation than anything else.

“Does this change
things?  Knowing he might have had stronger feelings?”

“I—I don’
t know.”  Then, the reality of the situation hits.  It doesn’t matter anyway.  He’s gone.  First Jenna and then JC.  I lose anyone in my life who truly cares for me.

Marta sense
s the change in my mood and slips off her stool to wrap her arms around me again.  “Lo siento, cariño,” she murmurs.  “Lo siento.”

A few tears roll down my cheeks and I whimper, but it’s not like my earlier meltdown.  I must still have enough drugs inside me to mellow out my mood.  That’s frustrating in and of itself.  I want to have a good
screaming, crying session at the unfairness of it all, but my mind won’t cooperate.

“I’ll make us some tea,” Marta
says, backing into the kitchen.

I nod and
return to the sofa in the living room, carrying JC’s journal with me.  After nestling into the corner cushions, I open it back up to read what else he wrote.

I despise Bling.  Something is not right about him.  He either feels the same about me or is “Crew“.  Either way, I’m not sure how we’ll be able to coexist peacefully over the next three weeks.  I can’t lose it on him.  That would land me in a cell next to my dad, which would break Mama’s heart.

“Here you go,” Marta says, handing me a mug of steaming tea.  “Did he write more about you?”

“
Not yet.  He was worried he’d lose it on Bling and be sent to prison.”

“Hmm, they
continued to argue?”

“Yes
.  It only got worse after the canoe incident.”

“Tell me about it.”

I lowered the journal on the coffee table and rotated to face Marta who was sitting on the love seat.  Without thinking, I began replaying, for the first time ever to another person, my time in the woods.

Chapter
12:  July 25 (Day 7)

The day after the
accident, we took it easy.  Neeky was still having withdrawal symptoms and Chris was obviously worried about Bling and JC.  She wouldn’t let either of them out of her or Jason’s sight.  Plus, they were wary and suspicious of each other.  Every time I sat next to JC, I could feel the tension radiating from him.

“Bling scares me,” I whispered
.

“I won’t let him touch you,” he sai
d, his jaw set in a rigid line.

“I’m afraid for you, too.”

With a half-smile, he said, “I can take care of myself.”

“What if he has a gun or knife?”

“Chris or Jason would have found it.”

“Like
they found Neeky’s stash?”

He shrugged.  “Don’t worry.  I’m used to his type.  I can hold my own.”

“Hmm … that worries me, too.”

“You worry a lot.”

Before I could reply, Mia plopped down next to us.

“How’s Neeky doing?” I asked.

“Taking a nap.”  She crossed her legs and then frowned in my direction.  “That’s not a very nice nickname.”

“It was based on initial impressions and has nothing to do with what I think of him. Plus, he seemed flattered
I even bothered to give him a nickname.”

A crow cawed overhead, drawing our eyes upwards.  Once it disappeared into the forest, she said,
“It’s still not nice.  And I hate Mia.”

“
Why?  Mia’s a pretty name.”

“We both know what it stands for.”

“I thought you wanted to get better.  Isn’t step one admitting you have a problem?”  Apparently some of Chris’ therapy sessions were sinking in.  “Accepting your nickname would be a move in the right direction.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. 
“I see how it is.  Everyone else gets mean-spirited nicknames while you get Mal.  What’s that stand for?  Mallory?  Is that your middle name or something?”

“No.  That’d be
Renee.”

“So, what’s Mal stand for?”

“Malibu Krueger, courtesy of JC.  Because, you know, I look like Barbie and …”  I paused.  I had never said it out loud at that point.  I licked my lips and then whispered, “I cut.”  It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  It was kind of refreshing.  I was so ashamed and worked so hard to hide it from everyone that it was kind of liberating to be free of the pressure.  “I cut,” I repeated more loudly, amazed by the ease with which those two words rolled off my tongue.

Removing
the bracelet from my wrist, I rotated my arm so she and JC could see the scars.  I flipped the silver band between my hands and contemplated putting it back on, but realized I was now somewhere where everyone knew my secret, whether I admitted it or not.  JC was right days ago when he said I wasn’t fooling anyone.

I handed the bracelet to Mia.  “Want this?”

“Why?” she asked, but slipped it onto her wrist anyway.

“Step one. 
I need to try and accept who I am.”

“Just like that?”

“You all knew what it was hiding anyway.  Just like we all know you’re bulimic, whether or not we call you Mia.  And Neeky’s an alcoholic.  And Bling’s probably done shit we can’t even imagine.  And JC …”

He raised his eyebrows when I paused. “Yeah?”

I focused on him then.  “How can it be that I’ve spent the better part of a week talking to you and still don’t know exactly why you’re here?  All you told me is you have to be here.”

“I’m a man of mystery.”

“Yesterday, you were an open-book.”

“Maybe I’m a compulsive liar.”

“Why would you have to be here for that?”

He shrugged and gave no indication that he was going to tell us the real reason.

“Sex addict?” Mia asked, no doubt remembering all the condoms he arrived with.

He laughed.  “Clearly, no.  We’ve been out here a week
and I’ve gotten no action.”

“It’s not like you didn’
t have the opportunity,” I said, rocking my shoulder into his.

“I don’t make a habit
out of sleeping with chicks who are just using me for something,” he replied, tapping my nose with his finger.

“Unless it’s for a good time?”

“Hmm … that’s not as appealing as it once was.”

“Are you saying that you,
Casanova, are ready to settle down with one girl?”

“Maybe.  If it’s the right
girl.”

“
You two can flirt later.  I want to know why you’re here,” Mia said, interrupting our conversation and focusing on JC.

“We’re not flirting,” I said
, stretching out my legs and leaning on my elbows.  “If he’s no longer a player then we need to change his name.  Juicehead Mr. Monogamy? JMM?”

“
Whatever, do that later. Are you a stoner?” she asked.

He shook his head.  “I’ve never even smoked a cigarette.”

“Really?” we both asked with shock.  “I have some back at the Lodge if you want to give it a try,” I added.

“No.  It’s
not an inability to acquire them that’s the problem.  Those things will kill you.”  He jabbed me in the shoulder with his finger.  “You should burn them when we get back.”

“I only smoke when I drink.”

JC murmured in response, which made me think he didn’t approve of my extracurricular activities.

“
I’m running out of ideas here,” Mia said, scrunching up her forehead.  “Bad grades?”

“No.”

“Come on, just tell us already,” I said.

“This is more fun.”

“For you, maybe.”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes!” Mia and I yelled together.

He smiled and then said, “Apparently, I have aggressive tendencies.”  He used air
quotes for the last two words.

My jaw dropped and I stared at him.  That made sense given the way he acted towards Bling yesterday.  But it also made me kind of nervous.  I had never been around someone who was violent.

“Is there warning or does it just come out whenever?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes.  “I don’t commit random acts of violence.  The problem is when someone messes with me or my family.”

“Uh oh,” I said.  “Do I have to worry you’re going to go all Hulk on me the next time I make fun of you?”

“On you?  Of course not.  I’d never hit a girl.”

“On Bling?”

“I hope not.  I need to finish this program.”

“Come here everyone!” Chris yelled from the other side of the campsite.  “We have to prep for tomorrow morning.”

We stood and then I looked back to Neeky’s tent.  H
e was still sound asleep inside, so I said, “Hey, Mia—I mean Ashley—are you going to get Nee—Sam?”

She turned around to face me and her lips slowly curled into a smile.  “Mia’s
fine and Sam likes Neeky.  I’m beginning to think you didn’t intend for it to be mean at all.  You might be one of the least judgmental people I’ve ever met.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.”