Breaking Her No-Dating Rule (10 page)

While Anson was on the radio, waking everyone up, Ellory got dressed in her new gear.

“You have to eat something before you go out there.”

“The kitchen staff are going to make breakfast now,” he said, turning to look at her by the door. “Where are you going?”

“I was going to talk to Mira for a minute before we go out.” She said the words casually, hoping he wouldn’t pick up on her meaning until she was actually out with him and he couldn’t...

“You’re not going.”

Do that...

“I want to go.” He should know how badly she wanted to go considering her getting dressed in the new—and worrisomely awesome—snow suit. “I want to help.”

“I know you do.” He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “But Mira is going to need your help. Chelsea isn’t going to want to leave, but with the snow past, you can get her and Nate to the hospital. Have Mira call for a chopper or maybe another crew to come up. Do they have a snow coach or something here? Multi-passenger? Preferably enclosed. I’d rather keep Nate out of the cold wind as much as possible and Chelsea can’t wear her boots while her toes are swollen.”

Ellory frowned. “Mira’s a doctor too, you know. She can handle this stuff. Plus she knows how things work here and I don’t. If I come with you, I can maybe get places you couldn’t. I’m smaller.”

“How big is Jude?”

Okay, she didn’t know how big Jude was. He could be Anson-sized for all she knew. “Probably bigger than me.”

“It’s dangerous out there. I don’t want to have to worry about you too.”

“If I stay with you—”

“Ellory? I’m not having your life on my hands too. That’s how it is out there. I have to find the one who is lost and keep my crew and Max safe. That’s seven lives on my shoulders. I’m not adding to that weight with one more person who won’t be of any help and who I don’t need.”

She flinched and hurried out the door before he could say something else negative. No, she didn’t know what she could do, but it was doing something. An extra pair of eyes would be helpful. When she was just here, just waiting for them to return, it had been bad enough when she hadn’t even known him.

*

Even when someone was as on the ball as Mira was, it took time to ready the snow carriage to transport patients down the mountain. If they waited until tomorrow the workmen would’ve had time to inspect the cables leading from the resort down to the town, but just jumping into an aerial carriage and hoping for the best would’ve been colossally stupid after the couple days they’d had.

Since Mira was doing the organizing, she waited with Chelsea. “How are you doing?” She dragged a chair up to Chelsea’s wheelchair and sat, offering a hand should the woman need some support.

“Bad,” she admitted, and then took Ellory’s hand. “I know that I need to go to the hospital, and Nate needs to go too—we probably all need checking over, but I want to stay. Even with the power situation as it is, I just want to be here for the instant that they find him.”

Her hand felt dry and tight, still chapped and rough from her time in the storm. Spotting a bottle of lotion across the room, Ellory stood and went to get it. She made a conscious decision not to check the chemicals, poured some into her hands and set about rubbing it into Chelsea’s hands, working the muscles as she went.

“I pray that they find him today, but if they don’t, we’ll make sure you get regular updates.”

“Regular updates?” Mira said from behind her, having entered quietly. “Absolutely. I’ve got my cell and I will call your hospital room several times a day to keep you up to date.” She gestured to what Ellory was doing and asked, “Almost done?”

“Yes, just rubbing the lotion in. Are we ready to go?”

“They’re out plowing the lot now and someone shoveled a path to the snow carriage, so we can go as soon as we’re ready.”

*

Anson had a plan, but he didn’t have a good feeling about it. Normally, out on the mountainside, doing his job, he felt peace. There was purpose to it, the extreme focus and need to push himself cleared his mind of anything else. Even the cold air he breathed exhilarated him.

Today every breath burned, both going in and out. Which was how he knew it was in his head and not him coming down with whatever Nate had been ignoring for his ski vacation.

There was no thrill from zipping around the mountainside on his snowmobile, though he usually loved it. Snowmobiles triggered avalanches easily, and because the day before the snow front had arrived had been sunny and warmer than usual, it had weakened the snow supporting the thick, deadly mantle they were all riding around on. Even without them making any mistakes or pushing any limits, that layer of snow could slip at any time.

Six people on his crew meant he had enough to split up in to three teams and work on the buddy system, driving far enough apart that if the ground started to slip it was less likely that both searchers would be swept away in the snow, and all were wearing locator beacons in case the worst happened. Even Max had one on his collar.

Anson looked behind him in the mirror again and caught sight of his buddy, and then Max’s big head filling up the rear view, panting in that way that looked like a smile.

Having the Newfoundland with an insanely talented nose made their searching easier.

Anson stopped outside South Mine, got one of Jude’s shirts from a plastic bag he carried, and opened Max’s cage. By the time his search buddy reached him, Max was already snuffling the shirt and taking off for the mine. Both rescuers grabbed their lights and followed him inside, but the dog didn’t stay.

Jude wasn’t in there.

He sniffed in a circle in the entrance, and then headed back outside to sniff the air, looking for an air trail to follow.

The wind was blowing from the northwest—the direction of the lodge—and Max got nothing. No excited yips that would indicate he’d found a trail.

Anson pulled his radio off his belt and called it in. “Search team one at South Mine. It’s clear.”

The radio crackled and it became immediately clear that Ellory was still considering herself part of the search, even if he hadn’t let her come out.

“What does that mean? Where are you going now? Did Max pick up which way to go from there?”

She didn’t even know how to use a radio properly.

“No, he didn’t. Would’ve been hard considering the storm, hard winds and deep snow.”

“Oh.”

He heard the disappointment in her tone. And since he’d already disappointed her once today he added, “If he found a scent, it would probably mean Jude was outside in the snow, and that would be bad news. The other teams are going by foot through the woods to try and pick up his trail where we couldn’t search. And to hit the cave between. We’re going northeast.”

“But that’s away from the lodge.”

“I know. I’ll call when we’ve reached the next stop.”

He ended the communication and stashed his radio again, getting Max back into his cage to go.

He’d probably given her false hope. If the other two teams didn’t find Jude where the snowmobiles had been unable to travel, it was unlikely they’d find him alive. Everything else was outside the direction he should have traveled, which was why they were heading off in the wrong direction.

That’s where he and his mother had gotten lost: Down the wrong side of the mountain.

CHAPTER TEN

T
WILIGHT
HAD
ENDED
thirty-seven minutes ago, which meant it was officially dark. So dark Ellory could probably see the Milky Way if she looked long enough.

They were supposed to stop searching when it got dark. It was a rule. The other two teams that made up Anson’s crew had returned to the lodge, but he and Marks? Still. Not. Back.

Ellory didn’t need to ask why they weren’t back yet. Anson was pushing it to the last possible moment in order to find the missing skier. Or past the last possible minute...

Because they hadn’t found even a trace of Jude. Yet. Yet, yet, yet. She mentally scolded herself for her pessimistic thinking. As angry as she’d gotten while waiting for them to return—and being mad at Anson again just underscored the fact that they were incompatible—she knew Anson would be beating himself up more than she could ever stand to do.

With the snow that had fallen the risk of avalanche was incredibly high. The teams had managed to trigger two different small slides today without getting trapped in them, which was why they didn’t bring in a helicopter for air searching yet. They’d been lucky that the slides had happened in areas where there weren’t caves or mines where Jude could be hiding.

Headlights bouncing off the blue night-time snow told Ellory they were back, and no one else would have to say boo to him about being out there after dark. She was going to confront his handsome and well-toned ass, and she didn’t even like the idea of it.

In her new suit—which she loved even more after a couple weeks of Colorado winter in equatorial clothing, she stayed inside the breezeway leading to the lobby, opening the outer doors from the inside when Max got there, and then again when the bipeds caught up.

“It’s dark,” she said to Anson, who stepped past her and into the lobby, making a beeline for the fire she’d kept stoked for them. “You are supposed to be here before it’s dark. When it’s still light out. To travel safely...
more
safely. Two slides! Two in one day.”

She put a bowl of warmed water down on the floor for the dog then grabbed two big mugs of cocoa she’d been keeping warm and forced them on both men. “Drink this. And say you will be back earlier tomorrow.”

Anson took the cocoa thankfully and drank it down fast enough that she once again felt compelled to apologize for giving him food with preservatives in it. Maybe they’d preserve him longer if he got trapped in a freaking slide tomorrow. “We checked in.”

Sure, but after dark, and the only way that would’ve comforted her was if he’d also kept up a steady stream of running chatter on the radio while they’d been driving back, so she’d know from second to second that he’d still been alive. “Not recently.”

“Elle, I can’t talk and drive at the same time. It’s treacherous out there.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.” She puffed and took a seat, making herself calm down before she actually did yell at him. He looked haggard, worse than he had that first time she’d seen him, and he’d been grappling with the idea that he had lost his first person on the mountain overnight. And put his fist through the wall.

“Tomorrow more crews with their own dogs will be here. Mira called up everyone she could think of when we were getting Chelsea and Nate down to the hospital. We passed power crews working on the poles and the power should be back on tonight or tomorrow,” she informed him. “Two of her toes had sprung big blisters this morning, so they’ve confirmed that she has stage-two frostbite on two of her toes. But they’ve got a treatment plan and said it’s very unlikely that she’ll lose them.”

He nodded, still grim but happier to hear some good news. Because the window where they could hope to find Jude alive was rapidly diminishing. She couldn’t even think about what that would do to him.

“The original rooms in the lodge, the first ones built, still have water heaters that run on natural gas. Mira showed me today and we all had baths. You can have a hot shower to warm up. I’ll take you to the rooms. But the rooms are pretty cold. No fireplaces there so dry, dress and get back to your real room so you don’t get pneumonia or something.”

She led them to the rooms they’d been using, steering Anson toward one and leaving Marks for the other, pointing out that fresh towels had been put on the bed for him. And repeating her warning that he not dawdle.

“Are you okay?” she said to Anson, as they and the dog stepped into the room. She’d lit candles in there earlier. They’d been burning since the first staff member had gone to shower, so the room was not nearly as chilly as she’d expected. Max hopped onto the bed and lay down.

Anson sighed and shook his head. The admission surprised her. “I don’t think he’s alive. And what a coward I am. I didn’t want to come back here and have to tell Chelsea. The others... I know they’re all close. I can tell the other two...”

“They all went down together. No one wanted to wait here.”

“Because I can’t find him?”

Ellory stepped over and helped him with his suit, knowing how stiff and useless your fingers got when you’d been in the cold too long. “No, because they want to be with Chelsea and Nate. And Mira and I both promised them that we would contact them if the situation changed, and Mira is taking lead on contacting them several times a day anyway, just so they expect to get updates and all that. Waiting is murder.”

“You have no idea.”

She wanted to ask, but the wound seemed too raw right now. Instead, she just continued helping him undress. And once he was in the shower she undressed too and joined him under the spray. It was dark so she couldn’t see what he was feeling by looking at his face. The best she could do was distract and comfort him.

If she was honest, that wasn’t all it was. She needed a little comfort too.

*

By the end of the second day of searching the power had come back on, returning them to the twentieth century, but the broadband was still out, making rejoining the twenty-first century still a goal. Anson and Ellory remained in the fireplace suite they’d been using for the extra heat the gas logs provided. And she didn’t feel at all bad about the carbon—not because she was adopting the habit of her current boyfriend, he wasn’t her boyfriend, but he needed the heat. He needed it, and that was enough to keep her from focusing on the negative.

By the end of the fifth day, no matter what she tried she couldn’t get him warm when he came in.

The hearty and thick lentil stew she’d made didn’t warm him.

The showers he took were so hot they left him a vigorous shade of pink, but still didn’t manage to cut through the ice that had settled in his core. When he stepped out of the steamy shower or bath he got cold again.

Worst of all—the sex failed to heat him up too.

Bleak, fast, and over too soon, Ellory felt blistered by the haunted look in his eyes, even at climax. She’d have sworn he didn’t want her there with him at all if every night he didn’t wrap himself around her on the mattress that still rested before the perpetually burning fire, and burrow beneath the thick duvet and her quilt.

Even when the heat he surrounded himself with made him sweaty and miserable, he still shook when he slept. He still said he was cold.

The sex was supposed to help him sleep, but it didn’t. He remained stiff behind her, except for the constant low rumble of shaking that seemed to come from his chest and shoulders.

They both avoided mentioning the elephant in the room: everyone’s worry about how long they would be able to search for Jude, and when would it be called off or considered pointless?

Putting the thought out of her mind, she rolled to face him, her hand coming to cup his cheek and force his eyes to open. “You have to relax.”

“I’m trying.” He licked his lips. “I know I should be sleeping so I can be my best tomorrow, but I just really want to get back out there right now. I’m not even sleepy.”

“Do you want a massage?”

He shook his head.

She didn’t offer sex again, it hadn’t worked the first time and with his head as screwed up as it was right now he didn’t need to venture into anything adventurous and kinky in search of relaxation.

“Meditate with me.”

“Elle, I can’t concentrate right now.”

“You don’t have to concentrate.” She pulled away from him, though it took effort—he didn’t want to let go. “I’m not going far.” The words were ones she might’ve said to comfort a child. Grabbing the quilt from on top of the duvet, she shook it out. “Sit, legs crossed.”

His arms loosened.

To his credit, Anson didn’t sigh. He didn’t roll his eyes. He sat up and did as she asked.

Ellory wrapped the quilt around his back to keep him warm and then climbed onto his lap, wrapping her legs around his.

“Is this some kind of sex meditation?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist as she settled against him. The tremor he was unable to stop made it feel vaguely like cuddling a big manly vibrator.

A shake of her head. “No. It’s much simpler than that.” She combed her fingers through the hair at his temples and kept his face facing forward. “All I want you to do is look me in the eyes. Watch the light of the fire, and just be. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t expect anything from you. It’s not so hard to look at me, is it?”

“It’s incredibly easy to look at you,” he breathed back, but his brows were still pinched, like he was concentrating. “But how is this meditating?”

“It’s supposed to make you feel safe...and connected. Do you feel safe?”

He gave her one of those smiles that contradicted his pinched brows.

“How about connected?”

“I feel connected.”

That one she believed, but he needed to relax his brow if he had any hope of this working. She pressed one thumb between his brows and gave that muscle a firm rub until it relaxed, ran him through some breathing techniques and then settled her arms around his shoulders.

Her neck relaxed a little, causing her head to tilt to one side, and stared deep into deep green and hazel eyes, saddened at the bleakness there.

He mirrored the action, keeping their eyes aligned.

She kept her voice gentle, wanting nothing more than to soothe. “We’re sharing energy. It’s like physics. Entangled particles. We will just sit and be together, share breath, share heat, share touch. You will look into me, and I will look into you. And when our particles are good and entangled, no matter where you are on the mountain, doing this terrible job that needs to be done, you can share my peace and hope when your well has run dry, and I can share your burden.”

He swallowed, but he didn’t argue. She half expected him to declare the exercise stupid and pointless, but surprisingly his arms relaxed until they were more looped around her than holding her.

If there was one thing Ellory knew how to do, it was relax. She could cast off her conscious mind with astonishing ease, having learned long ago how to escape into her imagination.

Pulse and respiration slowed, relaxation extending from her body to her eyes. The focus went past the firelight dancing in his mossy eyes, and images started to emerge. First blurry, then crisp. A home in green fields, babies with eyes like the forest, and fuzzy black puppies. She saw the green fading from his eyes, the dark fringe of his lashes turn sparse and grey, and love that grew strong.

She saw everything she’d always said she never wanted, and knew it for what it was: the biggest lie of her life. The bond she felt with him, the aching need, that was love. She loved him. This was that moment that Mira and Chelsea had been describing, where her heart swelled and... She remembered she couldn’t have that future. She couldn’t have him, but she couldn’t even begin to understand how she would ever be strong enough to walk away from it.

Anson shook her.

Something cold and wet splashed on her chest, and she realized she was crying. Her breath came in broken hiccups and she let go of his shoulders. “I can’t do this.” Her having some kind of a breakdown wasn’t the purge he needed to start healing. It was hers. How many purges did she have to have to reach the bottom?

“Why? What just happened?” His voice firmed with intention, focus, and he kept his arms locked around her waist. “What are you afraid I’m going to see?”

“I don’t know.” She pulled back hard, and turned to crawl off him and away. Just get away.

He let her go, sounding bewildered but not following. “You do know. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” she repeated, and only stopped once she reached the farthest corner of the mattress, her back to him, on her knees, struggling to calm herself.

This was supposed to be for him. Metaphorical, a way of releasing tension, not anything real. If this was how he felt...

She gulped the air, smelling the sharp ping of the natural gas from the fireplace and focusing on that smell, using it to clear her head. This was supposed to be about him, not about her...

“Talk. You said you put things together in words. Talk.” His words came from right behind her, and his arms came around her waist again, pulling her back to his chest and then into his lap as he sat. “You’re not going anywhere. You said we’re having a spirit quest, so if you really believe that then you either know something you don’t want to know, or you just figured something out. Tell me.”

She had to say something, and blurted out the first words that came to her mind. “You find people who are lost...”

“I find people who are lost,” he confirmed, and waited for her say more. Think it through.

But right now it wasn’t about making connections. That one statement unlocked so much more. So much she didn’t even really want to think about, let alone put into words. Or what she could even tell him without freaking him out.

That she knew she loved him?

That she knew she wanted him?

That she’d change every part of who she was just for the chance to be with him?

That she wasn’t even supposed to be alive, so how could she be with him?

She wasn’t supposed to be able to have a family and make more people, more consumers, add to overpopulation. She couldn’t settle down, stop going out into the world on her missions to try and make her accidental life a happy accident instead of being the waste her father had always said she would be.