Breaking Up Is Really, Really Hard to Do (6 page)

7

A Match Made in Purgatory

To: Hollygolitely

From: your daily horoscope

HERE IS TODAY'S HOROSCOPE: CAPRICORN: You know that old saying, “No good deed goes unpunished”? Prepare to take a licking.

Nuclear Autumn: Keeping You Informed of the Latest Developments in the Life of Autumn Nelson

Holly, Lina, and Madison finally got off their butts and set up a date for me. They told me to meet this guy—let's call him Mr. V—at Vineland. I didn't know the guy, or anything about him. I was having doubts—serious doubts. I called everybody I knew to see if they knew who he was. I didn't want to be seen in public with some loser! But Holly convinced me to take a chance. She said love was all about laying it on the line and taking risks, blah blah blah. So I go to Vineland and I see this guy sitting there. Okay, I have to admit his first impression didn't blow me away. He was just a guy. Or so I thought.

I sat down and we started talking and I told him all about myself. I told him how Chloe, aka the stepmonster-in-waiting, aka Dad's girlfriend, was ruining my life by spending all Dad's money on herself, and how Mom's being such a bitch lately and everybody in the family hates me but they all just lo-o-ove my little half-sister, Lily, isn't she cute? Well, who isn't cute at age six, I ask you? You should have seen me at six, I was irresistible. Time waits for no one, little Lily. You'll find out someday. She'll grow up to be a total delinquent—will they still get all googly-eyed over her then? And then there's Rebecca, my former best friend who spends all her time with her new boyfriend David and totally neglects me in my time of need!

Anyway, Mr. V sat and listened to me for two and half hours before he finally said he was hungry and took me to the cutest little Mexican place right near the beach. We had enchiladas and talked some more about how I should redecorate my room and whether or not I could get into a decent college if I flunk Geometry this year. He paid for dinner and he was so sweet and by the end of the evening I looked at him and thought, You know what? This guy is gorgeous! I mean, it just hit me like that, he's the kind of cute you don't notice right away but it sneaks up on you and wham!—you're in love!

We walked on the beach, even though it was chilly, and then he drove me home. We kissed in the car and he is the best kisser ever. I don't want to hear about any other boy and the way he kisses. Mr. V cannot be topped. Period. Then he walked me to my door. I was so happy I couldn't sleep. Chloe saw me when I walked in all glowy and said, “What's with you? Your cheeks are all flushed,” and I said, “It's called love, you gold-digging slime, and you wouldn't know it if it slapped you in the face.”

So, my devoted followers, it was the best date ever and I think I'm in love. Thanks to Holly and the other two for hooking us up. Your names will be entered in the Nuclear Autumn Hall of Fame, along with the colorist who totally saved me when my hair came out orange that time, the girl who found my gym bag when I left it in the locker room and returned it to me without taking my new yoga pants, and the doctor who did my nose job. You get the Autumn Seal of Approval! XXOO

“Wow, Holly,” Mads said. “This is our biggest success ever! You made Autumn happy, and everybody in school knows it!”

“At first I thought it was all in her mind,” Holly said. “I mean, how could Vince have enjoyed that date? All she did was talk about herself. But look—he really seems to like her.”

Holly, Lina, and Mads gazed across the courtyard to the bench where Vince—the mysterious Mr. V—sat listening to Autumn. He looked like a different person. He glowed.

“It's funny,” Holly said. “He really does seem handsomer all of a sudden.” Of course, a lot of guys seemed handsomer to her lately.

“I guess he just wanted someone to pay attention to him,” Lina said.

“Hi, girls.” Mo Basri stopped by their bench. Holly straightened up. Was Mo really interested in her, as Sebastiano had said? She thought she'd caught him watching her a couple of times, but this was the first time he'd ever come up to talk to her.

“I read all about you on Nuclear Autumn,” Mo said. “How do you girls know so much about love?”

He said “girls,” but he was looking at Holly the whole time.

“Do you think you could give me some advice?” Mo asked. “A friend of mine has a problem.”

Holly struggled not to glance at Lina and Mads. She could feel them next to her, suppressing giggles. “Well, we don't know everything, but we can try to help. What's up?”

“My friend likes this girl, but she has a boyfriend,” Mo said. “Should he let her know how he feels, or leave her alone? Is it uncool to tell a girl you like her if she's taken?”

Interesting. And very transparent. Did this mean Mo's “friend”—obviously Mo himself—had a crush on Holly? Holly knew that if she looked at Mads and Lina now they'd start cracking up. And that would ruin everything. So she must not look at them. Danger. Danger. Do not turn head to left!

“Well, I guess it depends, Mo,” Holly said. “Sometimes a girl has a boyfriend but she feels ready to move on. Is she sending you any signals?”

“This girl's kind of mysterious,” Mo said. “I'm not sure how to read her.”

“Hmm. I guess you might as well take a shot. You've got nothing to lose. If she's still into her boyfriend, the worst she can do is say no. If she's not and says yes, then it was worth the risk, right?”

Mo grinned. “Right. Thanks, Holly. Oh, one more thing. I don't have this girl's phone number. Is it-okay to ask a girl out by e-mail?”

“If you don't have her number, sure, I guess it's okay,” Holly said.

“Cool,” Mo said. “See you later.” He crossed the courtyard and went into the school. Lina and Mads started laughing as soon as he was out of earshot.

“Guess you'll be getting an e-mail from him soon,” Lina said.

“You think so?” Holly said.

“How obvious could he be?” Mads said.

“We'll see,” Holly said, but she had a feeling they were right.

“You're good at giving advice, Holly,” Mads said. “You really sounded like you knew what you were talking about! You should do an advice column on the site.”

“You could be the Love Ninja,” Lina said. “Attacks love problems by stealth!”

An advice column. Holly liked the idea. It would be fun to obsess over other people's problems for a change.

“I'll do it,” Holly said. “The Love Ninja…It's a nice combination of sentiment and violence. Like love itself.”

A few days later, after she finished her homework, Holly logged onto the Dating Game blog to check her inbox. It was jammed with matchmaking requests and letters to the Love Ninja. They'd announced the column on The Dating Game site with a link to Nuclear Autumn. Holly sifted through the e-mails, chose the best ones, and wrote her first column.

Dear Love Ninja,

My best friend is very pretty. Boys are always hitting on her. One night at a club these two boys came up to us. The cuter one started flirting with my friend and his friend asked me to dance. When we got back, my friend was gone. Since that night, the cute boy has been dating my friend but I haven't heard a word from his buddy. What happened?

—Second Banana

Dear Second Banana,

What happened is you've been the victim of the old wing play. I think it comes from soccer terminology, or maybe ice hockey. The cute boy liked your friend and asked his pal to be the “wing man.” In other words, he pretended to like you in order to distract you—so his friend could get some face-time with your girlfriend. It's one of those sneaky boy tricks that you have to watch out for. Some boys roam in packs like dogs and take turns playing wing man for each other as the situation arises. It stinks, doesn't it? Now that you know, warn others!

—Love Ninja

I really am good at this,
Holly thought.
Look how much effect I'm having on everybody's lives! I'm making people happy left and right. Solving their problems. Helping them face reality and find love. And the more I do it, the better I get at it. By the end of the school year I could be as wise as Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Her computer beeped to let her know another e-mail had come in.

To: Love Ninja

From: Mbasri

Re: question for you

Hey Holly,

The Kevin Eleven are playing the Rutgers Roadhouse this weekend. Want to check it out one night? Maybe Saturday? They really rock.

Mo

P.S. The advice you gave my friend the other day was really smart.

Holly felt excited and nervous. She
knew
Mo was interested in her, and she was right. But what should she do? She was Rob's girlfriend. She couldn't just go out to concerts with other guys.

Or could she? After all, what was the big deal? She was only sixteen. She and Rob weren't
married.
And she really had no reason to think Mo was asking her as anything other than a friend. Deep down—not even so deep down—she knew better, of course. But she told herself that going to the show wouldn't mean anything.

She shouldn't have to think about this at all. She should be free! And that's when she realized that she wasn't facing the truth. Rob wasn't “it.” He couldn't be. If he were, would she be having this conversation with herself? No, she'd reject Mo immediately. If Rob were “it,” she'd know by now.

That left her with a big problem. She had to dump Rob. But how? She really liked him. She didn't want to hurt him. And she didn't want him to hate her. She wanted to stay friends with him
and
date other guys.

This was a job for the Love Ninja. Too bad she had no answer for her own problem.

I'll take it to the blog,
she thought. A Dating Game poll. A few good solutions usually turned up among the garbage and jokes. But she had to disguise it so Rob wouldn't figure out what was going on. So she composed a fake letter to the Love Ninja.

Dear Love Ninja,

My girlfriend is very sweet but too clingy, and I've got a crush on another girl. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need my freedom. Is there any way to dump her without hurting her?

—Jailbird

Dear Jailbird,

Your problem is a common one, but hard to solve. I'm going to take it to the readers and see if they have any advice for you. Good luck!

—Love Ninja

Dear Readers: The Love Ninja needs your help! What's the best way to dump someone—without hurting his or her feelings?

jen88: There's no way to do it without hurting her. Just get it over with fast.

koala: Jailbird, is your real name Jonathan? Are you trying to dump me????

sami666: Lies, lies, and more lies. Tell her you're dying, you're moving to Siberia, you're becoming a monk. Anything to get her off your back. By the time she figures out that you lied, it will be too late.

poydog: write her a letter. If you dump her in person and she starts crying, you might weaken and change your mind.

spoony: tell her you love her so much it hurts—literally. You're on painkillers all the time, and the doctors say if you don't stop seeing her you'll be a vegetable by the time you're 18.

dollface: Before dropping bad news on anyone, it's a good idea to feed them. Make a nice meal for her, then gently tell her you need space. She'll be hurt, but her full stomach will help blunt the pain.

All right, one sensible answer out of six, not bad. Holly decided to take dollface's advice. She and Rob would go on a picnic together—with all of Rob's favorite foods. Holly felt a pang when she thought of the way he'd forced down that Sham Ham sandwich, just for her. Maybe she shouldn't be so quick to dump him. But no, it was the only humane thing to do. It would hurt him much more if she cheated on him.

This wasn't going to be easy.

“Where should we put the blanket?” Rob asked. He pointed at a patch of grass and said, “How about over there? Unless you want to put it somewhere else.” It was late afternoon, and she and Rob had driven to La Paz State Park for the big breakup picnic.

“No, that spot is fine,” Holly said.

“As long as it's okay with you,” Rob said. “I mean, it's your picnic. Maybe you were thinking of a sunnier spot.”

“This spot is plenty sunny.” Holly tried to keep a lid on her annoyance. Did everything have to be a U.N. debate?

She unfolded the picnic blanket and opened the basket. “Ham sandwich?” she offered. “It's real this time. I promise.”

“Thanks.” Rob bit into the sandwich and nodded. “Mmm,” he said through a mouthful, “blows that Sham stuff away.”

“Glad you like it.” She'd made the sandwiches herself, with lettuce, tomato, mustard, and fresh country bread from the best bakery in town. She'd also packed pasta salad, shrimp salad, fruit salad, iced tea, and homemade brownies for dessert.

“Wow, Holly, this is so nice of you,” Rob said, settling back on the blanket. “What's the occasion?”

“No occasion,” Holly said. “Do I need a reason to do something nice for my boyfriend?”

Rob appeared to think this over for a second, which annoyed her even more. “Well, you're usually pretty nice, but not this nice. Not that you're not very, very nice. But this is above and beyond.”

He wore a t-shirt that said, B
ORN TO
B
E
M
lLD
, with a cartoon of a lamb on it. The highly irritating sight of it gave Holly courage.

They finished their suppers. Rob polished off three brownies, lay on his back, closed his eyes, and rubbed his stomach contentedly. It was time.

“You know, Rob, I really like you,” Holly said.

“I really like you, too,” Rob said. He opened his eyes and turned toward her, reaching out to pat her hand but slapping her knee instead.

“Sometimes I forget how young we are,” Holly said. “We're still really young.”

“Yep. Whole lives ahead of us,” Rob said. He closed his eyes again and let the sun warm his face.

“Too young to confine ourselves to one, uh, path,” Holly went on. “One academic track, one career path, one, you know, person.”

“Uh-huh.” His eyes were still closed. It was hard to tell what he was thinking.

“Do you ever feel like you need, I don't know, more space?” Holly asked. “More time to yourself, to do what you want?”