Breaking Walls (20 page)

“Hey, Gabe?”
I said, turning to look up at him. “Let me ask you something.”

“Okay?”

“Are sure this is a good idea? You being here like this?” Again, I looked down to our linked hands.

“Of course.
Why not?”

Let me count the reasons!

“Well, for one, you said on Friday night that you stand by your decision to walk away for the sake of the program,” I said. “I thought that meant that we couldn’t be seen together, and now you showing up here strikes me as a little wishy-washy.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t walk away on the best terms the other night, and I was concerned about you.
I felt awful for how we left things.”

He
felt awful?
After the way things had played out, Gabe had no right to be concerned about me. He should’ve hated me. He should’ve resented me for trying to force him to open up before he was ready.

There was a long, silent pause as if Gabe and I were both reflecting on the conversation we’d had on Friday night.

“Okay, I have something I want to say,” I said, and then I pulled my hand away from his so that I could stop walking. He turned to me, looking at me straight on. “I was a jerk, and I can’t keep letting you be this nice to me without clearing the air. I’m sorry. I was awful to you—”

“Mandy, you don’t have to
— ”

“I do. Please, let me.” He nodded, so I continued, “As far as the project and the foundation go, I
do
understand why you’ve been distant. I’ve never once been mad at you for walking away when we’re together at an RI event. I’m not even upset that you hardly looked my way. I didn’t like it, but I understood. I was pleasant to you in those circumstances because I understood the position you were in.” He nodded, a simple gesture of thanks. “It’s the stuff that wasn’t related to the project and the foundation that I didn’t understand, and that’s why I freaked out on Friday.” Well, that and I had just come off a pretty nasty argument with Carla. I’d let too many mixed emotions get in the way of how I’d communicated with Gabe, and there was no one to blame but myself. I knew that. “I felt like you were somehow trying to attack me by turning to Bailey, and I know that sounds stupid and childish and petty. It was. I was an idiot.” I massaged my temples, feeling a dull headache begin its onset. “You need to know that I’m sorry, Gabe. I know that I put you in this awful position, and I don’t want you thinking that I’m mad at you for something I did. I know this is my fault. I know
I’m
the reason things are so messed up.”

He kept holding my stare, taking in my words.

“I understand, as far as being your friend or even near you in the light of day, that you and I have no potential. I wish I would’ve considered that consequence from the get-go,” I said. “I didn’t think that showing up at the park would cause as many problems as it did.” For me, for him, for Carla and the rest of the team. I thought I would be in LA. I didn’t think there were any repercussions to consider, but obviously there were. The never-ending media attention was bad enough, but the drama it caused among the group was really the worst of it. “It’s not in my nature to make those snap decisions, but I thought I’d never get a chance to see you again, and I couldn’t imagine walking away without telling you that I . . . I care about you, Gabe.”

He gnawed harder on his lip the longer I talked. Whatever he was thinking, whatever was going through his mind, he wasn’t ready to respond. And as long as he was still processing, I was going to keep talking. I had to say whatever I could to fix what I’d broken.

“I acknowledge that I had no right to treat you like that,” I said. “I had no right to be mad at Bailey for keeping your secrets. Honestly, Gabe, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I
never
used to be this doubtful, insecure, jealous girl, but somehow that’s who I’ve become. I’ve become this incredibly selfish person—the kind of person I’ve always hated my sister for being. I make rash decisions and jeopardize great opportunities for people I care about. I get into petty fights and arguments over tiny, trivial little things. I’m not acting like myself, and it terrifies me because I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

His lip stopped moving. His entire body fell still. I could barely make out the subtle movement of his chest with each shallow breath he took, and his face was void of expression.

“I know what’s wrong with you,” he said, barely moving his lips.

“
What?” I matched his near-whisper.

“You’re scared to death of losing something that you don’t even have. The thought of having what you want scares you, and the thought of losing it scares you even more. There’s no happy
medium. You’re terrified.”

“I am,” I admitted. That was exactly the problem; it had been from the beginning. I was scared to death of losing him, and I didn’t even have him. I’d been terrified of losing the scholarship, and it wasn’t even mine to lose. In every aspect of my life, my biggest issues boiled right down to one core problem: fear.

Without any kind of indication from the other, we both turned and started walking again, this time keeping our hands to ourselves. I folded mine up at my chest, and Gabe’s hung loose at his sides. After two solid minutes of unadulterated silence, we were finally standing on my front porch.

I turned to say goodnight to him, to tell him that he had nothing to worry about. I wasn’t mad at Bailey
; I wasn’t holding a grudge. I just needed him to know, in the grand scheme of things, everything was going to be okay.
I
was going to be okay.

I didn’t get a chance to say those words. When I turned, he reached over and took my hand again, pulling me closer to him. I fell gently against his chest, burying my face in his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around my body. Once again, I was back inside his embrace, praying that he would never let go.

“Mandy?” he whispered, and I almost didn’t hear him over the rustling leaves at our feet. He dropped his head and pressed a long kiss to my hair. Still, he never let go as he said, “I know there are so many things you are dying to know, and when the day comes, I promise you’ll finally have the answers. But for now, I’m not ready. And if you don’t know anything else, please know one thing: I’ve never looked at you as anything but what you are. You’ve never been a project to me.”

“I’m sorry?” I lifted my chin and met his stare. “What did you just say to me?”

“I knew when I met you that you were holding onto some pretty heavy stuff, and I was happy to talk you through anything you wanted to talk about. But it was because I liked you, not because I wanted to keep my hands busy.”

“Gabe, why are you saying this to me?”

“Because Carla had no right to say the things she said to you. She had no right,” he said. I lost my breath. As much as I didn’t want to break our hug, I had to. I had to take a step back and look him the eye. I managed to stumble two steps back and caught his stare.

“How do you
— ”

“We weren’t trying to eavesdrop,” he promised. “But you guys were going at it, and it was impossible to ignore.”

I closed my eyes and suddenly felt sick.
We
? Who was
we
? Him and Lashell? Him and Bailey? Him and Mr. Davies?
Who
? They heard my argument with Carla? God, no wonder they scheduled the RI meeting this afternoon! And Gabe. Oh, my God. Gabe was mad at the meeting. But mad at me? Mad at Carla? There was no telling what they thought after they heard those things. After they heard what she said, what I said . . .

My head pounded
,
and
I clutched my forehead.

“We were sitting right behind you in the corner booth—honestly
shocked
that you didn’t see us.”

We wouldn’t have, either. We were too busy going at each other’s throats.
Yes, there were other people there, but I was too focused on her. I don’t even remember seeing another
person
in the diner, let alone Gabe. And if he’d heard all of the nasty things Carla had said to me, then he obviously heard all the horrible things I’d fired back at her.

God, Mandy, what
did
you say?

Bailey was there. Then she left. I worked in my notebook, and then Carla came in. Stuff was said.

But what?

Think.

There was stuff about the dance finale, the team. She asked me to stay away from Gabe, and in return she’d give me the reins to the finale, and—

I choose Gabe.

No. No, he didn’t hear that.

I don’t have some wicked plan to chase Gabe down. I’m not breaking my neck to get his attention.

I mean, that part wasn’t a lie. I hadn’t gone out of my way. The few times I’d run into him had all been completely coincidental—well, except for intermission in the parking lot, but even then, that wasn’t my fault. He’d come after me.
Carla
was the one who’d bent over backward to catch his eye. She was the one who was willing to stop at nothing to get his attention.

If you really have him so high on a pedestal that you can think that unclearly, then you don’t know anything at all. Gabe’s not perfect…he needs to be with someone who’s going to accept him as he is, not fawn over him as this angel-like creature the world sees him as. He has struggles, Carla. He has a history. He has scars. Why would he ever want someone who’s going to ignore those things? You can’t look past someone’s imperfections just to see the silver-lining.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Please tell me he didn’t hear all of that.

Those scars—and everything that’s happened to cause every one—they are what have made him who he is. He deserves someone who’s going to embrace those things about him, and treat the wounds delicately. He doesn’t
need someone who’s going to disregard every imperfection. Caring about someone means embracing them—all of them, the good and the bad.

I met Gabe’s stare, still unable to read the expression.

“How much did you hear?” I asked, barely able to choke the words out.

“Lashell and I passed Bailey on our way in,” he said. “We were there about twenty minutes before Carla showed up.”

“So everything?”

He nodded and looked to the ground.

So now what? I had to say
something
. I had to tell him that I meant every last word I’d said to her. Even if he hadn’t liked hearing it then, I still had to say it to his face. He had to know that no matter how nasty I was to her, no matter how rude and cold my words had sounded, that I’d only meant those things as lovingly and kindly as a person could mean them.

“I’m sorry that you had to hear any of that,” I said, looking down to my feet. “It was a terrible time and place for the conversation. I don’t quite remember everything I said to her, and I’m sure I said some pretty mean things.” Suddenly it made sense why they’d called the mandatory meeting at school. Carla and I had been awful to each other. “But where you’re concerned, Gabe, I meant every last word I said. The problem was that I said them to the wrong person when I should’ve been saying them to you.”

I finally mustered the courage to look him in the eye, and when I glanced up, he lifted his hand to brush a strand of hair from my face.

“And the truth is, Gabe,” I said, trying to power through in spite of the deep, lurching pain in my gut
, “
I want you in my life
—scars, wounds, skeletons, and all. I know there are things that you’re scared of, but you don’t have to be. Not with me.”
Never with me
. “Gabe, when I look at you, I see the super hero everyone thinks you are.” He closed his eyes. “I see the incredible, do-gooder, Wonder Boy that you are, Gabe, but I also see the other stuff, the stuff you don’t want me to see.” His eyes fluttered open, and he held my stare. “I see the pain in your eyes, the hurt you’re carrying on your shoulders. I saw how much it killed you back at Evergreen to walk away from your mother when she wouldn’t talk to you.” I waited for his reaction, but he didn’t move a muscle. “If you think I look at you and see perfection, then you’re sadly mistaken, sir. I know you better than you give me credit for.”

He scoffed, his defensive way of saying that I didn’t know him at all.

“No, I may not know your past, and I don’t know that I ever will,” I said. “I’m not even asking for you to share it. But let me tell you what I do know.” I lifted my hand and placed it on his chest. “I know your heart, Gabriel Raddick, and it’s your heart that I fell in love with. That other stuff, the stuff that you’re hiding behind that wall of yours…it’s never going to change how I look at you. You’re never going to scare me off. I’m too in love to change my mind now. You already have too much of my heart.”

Chapter
Sixteen

I couldn’t sleep.

I tossed and turned for hours thinking of the way I’d left things with Gabe. For what felt like the hundredth time in weeks, I bared my soul to him, only to watch him walk away. But at least we left on good terms this time.

Or at least I thought we did.