Breathe: A Novel (27 page)

“Let’s start today in child’s pose,” Lauren began.

I felt like I was having a heart attack. Blood was whooshing in my ears, and my stomach was churning. I pressed my nose into the mat as hard as I possibly could, not caring that it would leave a big red mark.

“Alex?” Tripp whispered.

Shit.

I turned my head so we were face to face in child’s pose. “Yep. It’s me.”

He smiled. The smile that I’d missed more than I could ever admit.

“INTENTION,” Lauren’s voice echoed. “Intention allows our life to become our yoga practice. What I’m going to ask you to do today is to forget what you know. Come into the sensations of your body. Whatever is happening, own it. Own the moment.”

I’m miserable. But I’m here. And I want to find peace.

Forgiveness. That would be my intention. I looked over at Tripp. What if I could actually forgive him? Forgive Lauren. Forgive Louise. Haley. Andy. Myself. I breathed in the word
forgiveness
and felt my face begin to soften.

“Now curl your toes under and press up. Downward facing dog. Beautiful.” She was walking among the rows. “Love what is, and you will take exactly what you need from this workshop.”

I thought about ‘owning the moment’ and ‘loving what is’. Looking around, I took it all in and realized that the moment was actually . . . absurd. Absurd and oddly hysterical. Here we were, Tripp and I, in tandem downward dogs with his girlfriend leading us in a sold-out one-woman yoga show. He looked under his arm at me and smiled again. I surprised myself by laughing out loud. Maybe something inside was shifting.

The class followed the usual flow that I was used to by now. I kept my eyes on one spot and willed myself to focus. It was the only way I could get through the next three hours. I was beginning to connect my breath and movements and even enjoy myself when Lauren stopped the sequence and brought us to the top of our mats. She announced that we were going to do some partner work, and before I could blink, Tripp squared his body to mine.

“Would you do me the honor?” he asked.

I became acutely aware of Andy, an arm’s reach away.

Lauren continued. “We are going to work on handstands. Handstands involve letting go of fear. For most of us that fear is right here,” she said, pointing to her head. “The heart is curious, wants to explore; but the head tells us ‘NO, stay safe.’ For the next few minutes, I want you to try to get out of your head and into your heart. Your heart wants to fly. Let it.”

Her words spoke to a distant memory that I wanted to reclaim. There was a time when I lived by my heart; I could remember the rush of jumping with Winger, surrendering to his momentum, not thinking, only trusting . . . Partner work couldn’t be much different. Just a matter of being present. Trust that I was right where I needed to be. I looked at Tripp and started to let go. Just a little. But it felt like another significant shift.

“You want to go upside down first, cowgirl?” he asked. It could have been yesterday that we shared a life and a home.

Lauren spoke again. “But before you begin doing handstands, please take your partner’s hands and hold each other’s gaze for a full minute.”

I swallowed and looked down, afraid of what I might feel.

“I think she meant eyes, not feet.” Tripp held out his hands.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” I shook my head.

Feeling unbearably off-balance, I took a deep breath. Finally, I forced myself to look up and meet Tripp’s eyes; it felt like a blow to the chest.

I was flooded with memories. There was Tripp, on the day I met him. And again, on the day he married me. By the pool at our new house, taking me in his arms; by the shore of Lake Tahoe, promising to love me forever. And there was Tripp, in a towel with his suitcase by the door.

I wanted to dive into his arms. I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream. When out of the blue a whisper in my soul said, “Be here now.”

I blinked.

I breathed.

And I listened.

Lauren’s instruction was flowing on, waiting for me to hear it. With her guidance, I scanned my body, noticed the tension, and allowed myself to release it. I breathed into the moment, keeping my eyes on Tripp’s.

“Trust. Let go. Surrender.” He smiled, and I searched for the specks of grey in his dark blue eyes. Lauren was slowly walking past us now as she guided the class. She seemed unfazed by our intimacy. Was it possible she didn’t know who I was? She was clearly too evolved to mind. What would that be like?

“Don’t turn away,” coaxed Lauren. “Keep looking, and notice what’s happening inside your chest. Maybe it’s a melting feeling. Stay with it. Don’t turn away. Look deeper. What do you see?”

There was a light in Tripp’s eyes, and I moved closer to it. I could smell the familiar scent of his sandalwood soap. Softening my knees, I rocked forward onto my toes then back into my heels. I relaxed and planted my feet firmly beneath me. I could do this. I could open myself up to him, forgive him and myself and be free of the past. I felt an incredible expansion in my heart as I stopped resisting. I moved closer, longing to feel his lips on mine. Wanting him to pick me up and carry me home—

I abruptly let go of his hands and stepped back.

Tripp ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

“You’ve changed, Alex,” he said. And then, “Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you.”

“Please,” I begged. “Let’s just do the handstands.”

Tripp stepped toward me.

“Why can’t we explore this, Alex? Explore what’s happening here. It’s not an accident that you’re next to me,” he insisted.

“But you had an affair with the teacher, Tripp. Ruins the mood a bit.”

“What?” Tripp squinted at me. “What did you just say?”

“You know exactly what I said,” I whispered.

“I didn’t have an affair. I would never do that! Is that what you thought?”

“But you said—” what exactly had he said? I couldn’t get my bearings.

Tripp had not had an affair?

He leaned toward me and lowered his voice even more.

“Alex, a long time ago my dad cheated on Louise. It nearly destroyed her and our family.” His cheeks were flushed as he repeated, “I would never do that.”

I looked into his beautiful face, sincere and vulnerable. I had been wrong. And here we were having the most intimate conversation of our marriage in the middle of a yoga class. Why was that?

“Now help your partner go upside down,” Lauren called.

I stood there for a second. “I think you already did that.”

“Then this should be no problem.” Tripp smiled and then stepped aside to let me kick up, catching my legs so I wouldn’t go over. I held it for as long as I could, longer than I ever had before. The rush of blood to my head was comforting. But the thoughts continued.

Tripp hadn’t cheated on me.

He wanted me back. Did he?

You are not your thoughts
.

My arms buckled.

“Hold me,” I said, before I could stop myself.

“It’s what I miss most,” he said when I was upright again. His hands were gently grasping my upper arms, and before I knew what was happening, he was kissing me. And I was kissing him back.

“Tripp.” I pulled away. “Not now.”

Needing an excuse to look away, I struggled to re-tie my ponytail with shaking hands.

“I’ll wait then,” he said. And with that, he came into a handstand and held it with no help from me. I watched the muscles of his back, the long, strong sweep of his neck.

I glanced around, suddenly aware of the other students. Had they seen us? Some were pitching themselves up, some were swaying, some were coming down. Trees in a storm. I looked behind me and caught Andy’s eye. Andy! He was watching us with a look of—sadness? Disappointment? Disgust? My heart plummeted.

“Back in downward facing dog,” Lauren instructed. I dropped my head and urged my heart to slow down. I tried to explore the moment. What was I feeling? What would I want if I believed that anything was possible?

What do I want?

I thought of the ranch and the peace I had felt there. It seemed so far away.

The remainder of the class was spent doing deep stretching, breathing, and meditation. And when Lauren rang the Tibetan bell indicating that the workshop was coming to a close, I didn’t want to leave. I needed more clarity, more time to understand what had just happened.

Was the divorce all my fault? Had I pushed Tripp away?

And now I was doing it again to Andy, a man who deserved so much more from me. If nothing else, I owed him an explanation. An apology. Something.

I sat up and turned around.

Andy was gone.

I was frantically rolling my mat when Tripp put his hand on my back.

“Can I see you again?”

“I don’t know, Tripp. But right now, I need to go.”

Haley rushed over to us.

“Tripp, hi! What a treat, right?”

“Hey there, Haley. How you been?”

As Haley masterfully engaged Tripp in conversation, I picked up my mat and rushed toward the mob scene at the door. Everyone was trying to get a moment with Lauren. By the time I made it downstairs, there was no sign of Andy.

***

When I arrived at the rooftop garden, I half-expected to be told Andy wasn’t in. But if I knew him at all, this was where I’d find him. I waited next to an expansive greenhouse, while one of Andy’s colleagues went to find him for me. Eventually I wandered inside, inhaling the sweet, warm air.

I saw him long before he reached me. He was pointing out something to one coworker and handing off paperwork to another. All business. Like the workshop that morning hadn’t even happened. When he finally came over to me, I could feel a change before he even spoke.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“What are you, a super-yogi or something? Yogi by morning, farmer by night.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” I said.

“I’m done playing games, Alex.”

“Andy, if this is about Tripp—”

“It’s not about Tripp—” He was raising his voice now, and people were beginning to scatter. He shook his head. “I actually thought if I was patient enough, this could go somewhere.”

“I didn’t expect Tripp to be there, or at least not right next to me.”

“Stop! Just stop. It’s too little too late, Alex.”

“But you and Haley—”

“What?”

“I know about you two. And I can forgive that. If you can forgive this.”

“Forgive what, Alex?”

“Your belt? I saw it in the bathroom.”

“My belt? You mean the belt I let Haley use as a leash when she forgot Billy’s? You know what. I need you to go.”

Not again.

“Please, Andy. Just give me two minutes. Outside?”

Without looking at me, he took off his gloves and walked out to a corner of the roof that had not yet been transformed. Then he leaned against a vent pipe, looking out at the city.

“Maybe, you don’t get it Alex, but I’m serious. I’m serious about my work and my integrity. I try to take the rest lightly. And I tried to take this,” he gestured, “you-and-me lightly, too. But I can’t anymore.” I felt my stomach knot. “You aren’t where I am, and watching you with Tripp today, I realized that you may never be. I’m done waiting.”

I froze.

My clarity came too late. Andy was never asking me to find my higher self. He was the one who saw and loved me exactly as I was. He was my friend regardless of how crazy or unenlightened or “off my path,” I appeared.

“Andy,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry. I screwed this up. I can see that. But I want to try to make it right.”

“I’m sorry. But I can’t do this anymore.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Take care of yourself, Oregon.”

As he walked away, I called, “What about the benefit?” It came out like a deflated balloon. A silly last attempt to deny all that had happened.

He turned and said, “Please just go.” And then he was gone.

I found a bench at Dolores Park and sat staring out at the expanse of green until long after sunset. My legs were numb and thirst overwhelmed me.

I called Nancy as I walked home.

“Does it take a whole lifetime to know and understand yourself?” I asked.

“Darling, that is the adventure,” she replied. “Revel in each new discovery. As Galen says, ‘you are the one with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life.’”

It was time for me to be alone.

I surrender.

***

I helped Haley move into an apartment in the Marina a week later. When the last of her bags and boxes had been lugged up the stairs, we stood together on the sidewalk.

“While you’re having all this time to yourself, you don’t mind if I date Tripp, do you?” she teased.

“You know you want to,” I replied.

“Of course I do. Always have.” She took a sip from her water bottle. “But even I couldn’t compete with that steamy Hollywood kiss last week.” She elbowed me.

“Yeah, but you won over Louise.” We sat down on the front steps, facing out. “You’ve got me beat there.”

“Louise. Now there’s a mother who has it together. The moment I met her, I wished she’d been mine. Strong, independent, and loves her children fiercely.”

“And Tripp?” I wanted to hear someone else’s perspective.

She looked at me. Then she smiled. “Tripp’s gorgeous, but he’s just the means to become an Edwards.” I laughed. “That’s why I never understood why you married him. You already had a family most people would kill for.” I was about to respond when she said, “I’ve always wanted what you have, Alex. Everyone adores you. Look at how many people here love you. Including Tripp and Andy.”

I looked down at my shoes.

“I really blew it.”

Haley put her arm around me.

“Just give it time.” She gave me a hug.

“Love you, Hay,” I said.

“Love you too, Al. Thanks for putting up with me these last few months. I’ve been more of a nightmare than usual.”

I looked her. She was beautiful, strong, and brave. I loved her as much in that moment as I ever had.

“Just read some of those touchy-feely books I gave you. They’ll help.” I gave her a nudge.

“What? And trade in
Vogue
for
Spirituality Today
? Never.” She capped her water bottle decisively.