Breathless (15 page)

Spreading all the food out on the dining room table, I was reminded of how wonderful my family was. We were loud. There were a lot of us. And we weren't your traditional family. But there was so much love and laughter in my house. Noah and Chance were fighting over egg rolls. Cameron and Nick were making bets on who could eat the most rice. Jason and I helped my mom pour iced tea for everyone. My father roared at everyone to sit down.

We did. Everyone grabbed for the Chinese carton containers and began opening them up. It was pandemonium.

"Who got orange chicken?"

"That's mine!"

"No, it's not. It's mine."

"Here's another orange chicken. Calm down."

"Where's my crab rangoon? Don't tell me you forgot the crab rangoon."

"No, I ordered it. It's in here somewhere."

"Where?"

"I don't want to eat with chopsticks!"

"So get yourself a fork!"

"I need rice."

"Who ordered this? What is this?"

"Here's your crab rangoon. Hope you're happy."

And on and on it went. We traded food. We chattered happily. I realized that I might be angry with my parents sometimes, but that I really and truly loved them, and I loved my home. We were so happy together. Everything we did was part of our own little ritual. Our own way of doing things. I felt like I was contained in bubble full of happiness.

As I ate my pork fried rice, I thought about how wonderful our family was, and I thought about why my parents had decided to be foster parents. My mother hadn't thought she'd be able to have children. She and my dad started out their relationship on their own, just the two of them. My dad's parents had died when he was in his early twenties. My mother's family hadn't approved of dad, and my grandmother had resolved not to have anything to do with my mother after that. My grandparents had a lot of money, and dad was too poor for them. They'd told my mom that if she continued to date my father, they'd cut her off. She'd chosen my dad over her family.

She had one older sister, my Aunt Stephanie, who had tried to keep in touch with mom. I remembered seeing her once when I was very young, and we sometimes got Christmas cards from her. But Aunt Stephanie wasn't much of a force in my mom's life, either.

So there they were, a young couple, all alone, and probably going to be childless.

They'd decided to adopt. After adopting Noah and my other older brother Gordon, my mother had gotten pregnant with me. She said I was her little miracle. But even though their home had now been full of children, my parents hadn’t stopped. They'd wanted to open their home to as many children as they could. And that was why we were the way we were.

It might be annoying sometimes. It might mean that people teased me at school. But in the end, it was a great way to live. I loved my family. I sat at our dining room table, watching everyone interact. Watching the teasing. Watching the good-natured arguing over food. Even listening to the deafening noise. It was all amazing. I wouldn't have it any other way.

After dinner, we tossed the empty containers and stored the leftovers in the refrigerator. Then we went to put on our costumes. Last night, I'd decided on a complicated up do, my hair twisted into an intricate bun on the top of my head. But as I stared at myself in the mirror, I thought about Jason had said, and changed my mind.

Instead, I just pulled up a few strands at the front of my head. I left the rest of it down.

If Jason thought my hair was pretty down, then maybe Toby would too. I curled the ends of my hair a little bit, so that it floated around my shoulders. I put on the dress I'd gotten from Goodwill. I applied makeup.

Surveying myself in the mirror, I decided I looked fresh and innocent, which was how a Vestal virgin should look. I hoped I looked good enough for what was about to be the most important night of my young life. I couldn't believe I was actually going to lose my virginity to Toby that night. I was too excited for words.

As I preened, my mother knocked on the door. I let her in. "Oh," she said when she saw me. "Azazel, you look beautiful."

"Thanks," I said, grinning. "I'm excited for the dance."

"Yeah," she said. "It's a big night."

Why was everyone calling this my big night? I hadn't told my mother about my plans with Toby.

"I brought you something," she said. "For your costume." She held up a necklace.

Dangling from a silver chain was circular pendant. On the front, engraved in the silver, was a star, only the top point of it faced downwards.

"I don’t know if it's period, mom," I said. "I'm supposed to be from ancient Rome."

"Just try it on," she said, moving behind me to clasp it behind my neck. I held my hair up for her. She was right. The necklace was the perfect length for the costume. It settled just above my cleavage—which wasn't overstated. There was a dress code for this dance, after all.

I touched it. "It's pretty," I said.

"It's very old," she said. "I received it right before I got pregnant with you, from Mrs.

Cantle. You remember her?"

"Kind of," I said. Mrs. Cantle had died a few years back. She'd been really old, over a hundred. She'd lived in Bramford her entire life. Everyone thought she was kind of strange. I remember that in kindergarten, a few of the kids said that she was a witch.

"Well, she gave this to me, and she told me to wear it, and a few weeks later, I found out I was going to have you."

"Neat," I said. I liked the necklace more and more.

"It's good luck," she told me. "And I think tonight is a good night for you."

What
did
my mom know?

My mother hugged me. "Oh, Zaza, you look so grown up," she said. "I can't believe that you're already seventeen. I feel like I was holding you in my arms just days ago."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Didn't adults know this kind of thing was totally cliché? Why did they say the same things over and over, anyway? "Listen," she said.

"You're ready."

Ready for what?

"I know you're going to do a wonderful job. I might not feel ready to let you go.

You're my little girl. But I know you can do it. I know you won't let anyone down."

"Mom," I said, confused, "what are you talking about?"

She laughed. "I'm sorry, sweetie. You'll find out soon. I love you so much."

From: Hallam Wakefield

Subject: Checking in

Alfred,

Sorry it's taken me so long to be in touch. Guess I worried you. My lead in New York didn't pan out, and the news I thought I might have didn't turn out to be anything. I haven’t got anything for you. I feel like Jason's just vanished.

I'm going further north. I'm going to see if I can follow what I'm beginning to think is a cold trail. Sorry I haven't got anything to report.

Yours in the pursuit of the Purpose,

Hallam

Toby picked me up in his truck. His Michael Myers mask was on the seat next to him.

When he saw me, his eyes lit up. "You look amazing," he said.

I wished I could say the same thing, but Toby was wearing an old blue jumpsuit, and he was carrying a fake knife as a prop. He hadn't felt the need to look nice for what was going to be the biggest night of our relationship. Still, he was gorgeous as always, and I was too excited to breathe.

We drove to the dance, both of us nervous and excited. We kept attempting to start conversations, talking over each other, then dissolving into laughter. In the parking lot at the school, he leaned over to kiss me. We started making out heavily. If it had been up to me, it probably would have happened right then and there. Toby started putting his hands places he'd never put them before, and he didn't fight my hands when I put them between his legs. We got a little sweaty and a little out of breath and were in danger of starting to lose our clothes. But Toby stopped me.

"Patience," he said to me.

"God," I groaned. "I've been having patience forever."

He laughed. "We've got a long night. We've got to go to the dance."

"Do we?" I asked. "Can't we just go to your house now?"

He chuckled. "It's the Homecoming Dance of our senior year. You really just want to miss it?"

So, I took a deep breath, composed myself, and reapplied my lipstick. Toby picked up his mask, but didn't put it on. He took my hand, and we walked to the dance together.

The gym had been transformed for the Homecoming Dance. There were banners on the walls. One said, "Happy Homecoming." The other said, "Happy Halloween."

Tables lined the walls, covered with black tablecloths. There were orange and black streamers covering the ceiling. The lights were off in the gym, and the entire room was lit by electric candelabras, which had been attached to the walls. The atmosphere was spooky and a little cheesy, but it had a certain charm.

Once inside the dance, I spotted Lilith. I couldn't tell what her costume was supposed to be. All I could tell was that it had a plunging neckline, and you could see half of her very ample breasts. I was amazed she hadn't been kicked out for violating the dress code. Once I saw her, I wanted to go and say hi, but I didn't want to leave Toby, so I just waved.

"Go talk to her," said Toby, nudging me.

"I don't want to leave you," I said, looking up into his eyes.

He smiled down at me. "I'm not going anywhere. Go on. Go say hi to Lilith."

"Okay," I said.

We kissed. "I love you," he said.

"I love you," I said.

I didn't drop his hand until we were too far away to hold on anymore. And when I walked away, Toby pulled his mask over his head.

Lilith hugged me when I got to her. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch last night on the phone," she said. "I'm getting my period, and I haven't gotten laid in forever, and I was a horrible best friend."

"It's okay," I said, forgiving her instantly.

"It's so not. You needed me last night, and I let you down," she said. "So...what kind of underwear are you wearing? Thong?"

"Eew," I said. "Like I want dental floss up my butt."

"Thongs are sexy," she said.

"I'm wearing lacy boy shorts," I said.

She considered. "With a matching bra?"

"Of course."

"Nice," she said.

"You think? It's not too...I don't know, girly and innocent?"

"Considering Toby's made you wait this long, he probably likes girly and innocent,"

she said.

"I hope so," I said. "I'm so nervous." "It's gonna be great," she said. "You'll see.

You're never going to forget this night as long as you live."

I took a shuddering breath. "I know. Oh my God!"

"Oh my God!" said Lilith, and we both squealed, hugging each other.

And I looked across the room, just in time to see the guys come into the dance.

Chance and Nick had gone for easy costumes. They had on scary rubber masks with jeans and a t-shirt. Cameron hadn't done much better. He was dressed as a Jedi, which meant he was wearing a dark bathrobe with a plastic lightsaber tucked into it. But Jason... Jason was dressed as a pirate. He had a huge flowing white shirt, which was open at the collar. His black breeches were tight against his legs. His hair was hidden under a bandana and he wore an eye patch. And...as usual...I couldn't stop staring at him. Dammit.

I resolved to pay no attention to Jason. Instead, I spotted Toby across the room, said goodbye to Lilith, and went over to him. I was going to be attached to Toby for the rest of the night. I wasn't even going to
think
about Jason.

And for the most part, I did a good job. I danced with Toby. I talked to our friends. I took particular pleasure in the moment when Eve and Sherry were looking over my costume. "What are you dressed as?" asked Sherry.

"A Vestal virgin," I retorted.

They actually looked ashamed. Good. Bitches.

And as midnight neared, when the dance would be over, I began to get more and more anxious and more and more excited. I knew that once the dance was done, Toby and I would go to his house. I wondered what it would be like. I wondered if Toby had made a trail of rose petals or something ridiculous like that. I wondered if it would hurt. I'd read romance novels. I knew that there was sometimes blood involved in this entire thing. But I also knew that most people didn't have hymens in this day of tampons, and I wasn't too worried. Still.

I thought about going to talk to Lilith. Asking her a zillion questions. But then, I didn't. I wasn't sure I wanted to know. What happened between Toby and me would be our thing. It wouldn't be what had happened to every other girl. It would be my story. My first time. And I loved Toby, and he loved me. So it would have to be perfect. Because too many things had gone wrong for this to be ruined. I deserved one perfect high school memory.

Even though I'd promised not to think about Jason or look at him, every so often, I'd caught sight of him as the dance wore on. He was always alone, sitting at a table by himself, the way he did at lunch. I felt bad about that. But I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave Toby to hang out with Jason. Not on this night of all nights.

Around eleven o'clock, Toby and I were slow dancing. His mask was ridiculous and not a little creepy, and I wanted him to take it off. When I'd asked, though, he said he didn't have much of a costume without it, so I'd dropped it. Because I didn't feel like looking at a mutilated William Shatner face, I was looking over Toby's shoulder at the rest of the dance. And I saw that Eric Nelson had approached Jason.

"Uh oh," I said.

"What?" asked Toby.

I pointed.

Toby sighed. "God," he said. "It never fails, does it? Jason has to ruin everything."

"It's not his fault," I said.

"Spare me," said Toby. "You take Jason, I'll get Eric."

We hurried over to the two of them.

I could hear Eric talking as we approached. "I'm ready, anytime, anywhere," he was saying. "Just say the word, dumbfuck."

Toby and I intercepted them. Toby put his arm around Eric and led him away. I looked at Jason. "Sorry about Eric," I said.