Breathless (3 page)

Air filled my lungs and I held my breath while I listened for you. A footstep, a clank, a toilet flushing – I listened for anything that showed me a sign of life, yet heard nothing. I stood and expected my legs to be able to hold the weight of my body. I knew I was wrong when my kneecaps crashed into the bare floor below causing a puff of dirt to float and dance around me. The entire room made less sense to me than even my presence in it had. The floor, merely dirt that had been packed down to make it hard as a rock, was a sharp contrast to everything else in the room that was stark white. All white, except for a dark metal stove in the far corner. The red and orange flames snaked back and forth through the tiny window in the front door of the stove. A single rusty pipe led from the top of the stove and out a small hole in the wall that had been boarded over.

My fingernails dug into the hard earth as I fought to maneuver my legs for support to stand. As I felt the remaining cobwebs disintegrating, my mind was more conscious of where my body was attempting to move. I could feel the intrusion of dirt colliding with the delicate skin underneath my fingernails, but I didn’t care. My hand finally landed on the white shirt resting on the white chair and streaks of brown soiled the threads. I saw my arms tremble from the strain as I pulled to stand. The chair almost tipped with my weight but I was able to catch myself before everything tumbled back down.

I lifted the shirt and shrugged it over my head and shoulders. It was soft and smelled like you, which made bile rise in my throat and threaten to spill over again. My breath caught, refusing to take in your scent, but if my inhales were small and deliberate the sweet-smelling stench did not reach my nose. My mind worried over why I’d been given a shirt with no other articles of clothing. The hem reached the middle of my thighs so I was covered, but the coolness in the room still invaded my skin through the thin material and bareness beneath. The only reason I could conclude was easy access to parts you planned to claim and that sent a shiver up my spine that had nothing to do with the drafting air on my uncovered parts.

My attention turned back to taking in the room, to finding an escape, and for the first time I noticed a second door. The one just beyond the foot of the bed was wide, making me believe it led from this room into the house – probably straight to you, but this other door was smaller and more narrow. I tried to pick my feet up and move forward but my legs were stiff from nonuse. Finally, I made it across the room and to the door with effort-filled shuffles. My hand tightened around the handle and twisted. I closed my eyes as a rush of air washed over me and then finally peeked through my eyelashes hoping not to see your bright blue eyes staring back at me.

Pure darkness was on the other side of the door, darkness and the stench of death. Not that I’d ever truly smelt death, but that’s the first thought that streamed through my head. For the first time I knew you were going to kill me, that’s what the smell was – the girls who’d come before me. I hadn’t allowed myself to think it until that very moment, but I felt the tears burning my eyes as my throat clenched closed from the visions whirling through my head. I knew I had to get out of there, I had to escape you.

I slammed the door shut and ran across the room to what I thought was a way out. I grasped the knob and turned with all my strength but you’d locked it. My hand jerked, pulled, and shook until the whole room blurred into a jumble of white as sobs wracked my whole body. There was so much unknown – Why had you brought me here? Locked me in this room? I didn’t know what you had planned for me.

Through my weak sobs I heard a gush of wind. It was a sound that was familiar to me. I’d grown up on the plains of Oklahoma. My dad used to joke that if he could bottle the winds of Oklahoma, he would use it to blow up the skirts of all the pretty dames that crossed his path. The sound had been coming from the boarded-over hole where my only source of warmth was. My sobs choked off in my chest as my mind churned out a possible escape plan. If I could hear the wind, I could reach the outside.

Cautiously I approached the wall, running my hand along the edge of the splintered board covering my escape. Since you hadn’t tied me down, I had wondered if you’d done an adequate job of covering all other possible escapes. The top of the board pulled away from the wall slightly, just enough that I saw daylight poking through to say hello. I pried my finger under the edge of the board hoping the entire thing would easily dislodge – it didn’t. You had put a nail about every inch along the bottom, but the top was only secured on the edges. I stood on my tiptoes, lengthening my small body as much as I could, but my fingers could not reach where I needed them.

The chair crept into my mind and for a wretched second I had been thankful that you’d given me the step up that I so desperately needed. The chair was heavy but I found the strength to push and pull it just far enough to position it next to the stove. The worn seat cushion sank as I climbed onto it, but as it grew nearer to the floor, I was still able to reach the very top of the board. My fingers ached as I dug them under the edge and pulled as hard as my arms were willing. The board gave way surprisingly easy and sent me tumbling backwards. I struggled to catch myself and felt my body falling toward the stove. I lifted my right leg and it came down hard on the hot metal. A scream ripped from my throat as it cooked the sole of my foot.

The thud as the weight of my body hit the floor echoed through my ears but I didn’t feel pain. I pulled my knees closer into my chest and my eyes moved over my crumpled legs. I felt nothing from my seared foot; the limb didn’t even look like mine. I felt only numbness within it. Just as my vision faded to black, I saw the door fly open and your scared eyes searching for me.

Then the darkness took me again.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” I heard your calm voice speak no more than a whisper as I slowly became conscious again.

I didn’t reply.

“I know you’re awake,” you stated. “Your breathing has changed.”

I still didn’t open my mouth to grace you with my voice.

“I fixed the hole already. You have no idea how cold it would get in here if I hadn’t done you that favor.”

“Favor?” I shouted and sat straight up. My head spun with the change in position and the adrenaline that flooded my veins. “You think you did me a favor by locking me down here in the first place?”

You were sitting in the chair that you had moved back to the exact spot it had been previously. I could only see the side of your face as you stared at some imaginary beacon in the corner of the room. White shirt and white pants covered you. I wanted to scream at the sight of more white, I wanted to scream about everything – so I did. A blood curdling scream ripped through my throat and within a second I could feel it becoming raw – but it felt right. No words came from my mouth, just a simple, instinctive scream. I screamed because you’d stolen me away, because I didn’t know why, for my family and how much I knew they were worried, but most of all I screamed because I wanted to frighten you as much as you did me. I turned my head toward you, my movements feeling jerky as all my strength was put into holding the animalistic scream. My body leaned toward you and I could almost see the vibrations of my voice bouncing off your skull. But you didn’t look at me, you didn’t even give me an ounce of the defeat I hoped you were feeling. Sometimes that is all you have, a scream to tell whomever is listening in the world that you’re still there – a heartbeat amongst the millions.

My arms began to flail as I took in rapid breaths to refuel myself. The air streamed in and out as quickly as my lungs would allow and then the scream started again. The rhythm of your chest rising and falling had remained the same, my tantrum obviously not affecting you in the least. My legs bent, seeking to join my rebellion, but you’d tied them down. Although my arms were free, you’d forced my legs to become one with this bed, it joined forces with the white room to keep me prisoner. The racing of my heart picked up at this realization and I began to punch wildly at the open air surrounding me, finally grabbing the pillows and blankets and tossing them at you. Yet, you still remained steadfast and calm – I hated you more than I ever thought I was capable of hating, your unfaltering resolve reinforcing the ice that had plated my heart.

As my screams grew ragged and were replaced with frenzied gasping, you finally stood and faced me.

“You need to calm yourself or I will leave.”

Your choice of words made humor tickle at my heart. “Leave? And you think that would be punishment?” I choked out with a strangled voice.

“You seem to think being locked in this room with me is the worst your life could get.” The first hint of calloused wit danced across your turned up lips. “It isn’t. Solitary is far more brutal than anything I have in mind for you.”

Silence fell between us, your eyes locked with mine. I heard the pounding of my heart, the source of its speed no longer the level of my temper but the magnitude of the unknown.

Seconds turned into minutes as our standoff continued, the only sound in the room had been the rattled inhales of my labored breath.

“Can I ask you something?” I finally questioned, somewhat cautiously.

“You can ask me anything as long as you promise to behave from now on,” you said, with one eyebrow raised at me.

I nodded in response, even if it was a lie, and asked, “Where am I?”

“Home,” was all you said.

“How long have I been here?”

“A few days,” you answered, tilted your head to the side and shrugged your shoulders like time no longer mattered.

“How did I get here?” I had so many questions whirling around in my head and your short answers had not helped; they were merely causing more.

“You wanted to come, so I brought you.”

“Wanted to come?” The confusion slipped from my mouth as I shook my head.

“You said so yourself.” Your words sounded confident but you nodded emphatically in what I assumed was an attempt to reassure yourself – or maybe me.

“Why me?” I whispered.

“You’re special, you are my Annabel.”

The rush of blood through my veins was a dull roar in my ears. “Who are you?”

“I’m your Cage.”

Soft static of time

Time ticked by ever so slowly and I barely saw you, only coming in once a day because you knew you had to – I guess you felt you owed me that much. You attended to my still-healing foot – always delicate hands unwrapping, cleaning, and then re-wrapping securely. You always brought a bucket with you, it served two purposes – a place to put my old, soiled wrappings, and then you’d lift me from the bed and set my bare bottom on it. You always turned your back while I relieved myself. The first time I wanted to argue with you, demand that I was above this sort of treatment, but you simply held your hand up in protest to my rant before turning away from me. Your strong back weighed down by heaving breaths born from frustration was all I saw as you shook your head to stop my words, my heart sank at how quickly my will broke and I complied with your wishes.

You never hurt me, I knew you could have easily. I was tied to a bed unable to run or defend myself. But you only took care of my primal needs for food and healing. The furrow of your brow told me you were still mad at me for trying to escape; you were getting easier for me to read. Even while you were offering me food and water or applying medicine to my aching foot, your eyes never came to my face. Not even the occasional sneak peek that would immediately have your eyes darting away when I saw – your eyes never searched out mine.

I felt small and vulnerable. The ropes that circled my ankles then attached to metal posts at the end of the bed cut into my flesh every time I tried to free myself. I knew my injury wouldn’t allow me to get away from you so I forced myself to sit still and wait. Wait for me foot heal and your trust to be restored. I could make you trust me, make you believe that I would stay. At least I always hoped I could, but there had been moments of doubt.

The hours spent alone had started to toy with reality. No sight of day or night, nothing to help my mind decipher the date or time. My life had been reduced to longing for the sound of your footsteps approaching even though they had long since ceased. You were trying to teach me a lesson; my parents had done the same too many times to count. But you’d been right when you said I wanted to leave my small, boring life and run away with you. I’d found you intriguing – the way your eyes drank me in, the way the sides of your mouth turned up when you saw me watching you. You saw me, I saw you, that was new for me, and something I’d always wanted to experience – an unspoken connection that seeped into my skin and attached itself to my bones.

That pedestal I’d placed you on started to rebuild itself. My childish longing for a life bigger than my own had placed you on the highest of heights to only have it come crashing back down in the haze of being captured. The aching to belong with you danced through my dreams in white flashes of your face, your eyes, your smile. It was wrong, I was wrong and I knew it. But the small tuggings of my heart were wearing on me. I had stopped sleeping in hopes that you would stop haunting me. I stared at the cracked ceiling and listened for your footsteps – where were you, what were you doing? Sometimes I heard the thud of your feet or the clanking of your movements but not often enough to satisfy myself. I didn’t know if it had been days or weeks, but the amount of time no longer seemed to make a difference. My need for you had grown exponentially, an involuntary urge to be anchored to something larger than myself – YOU.

I was exhausted from lack of sleep and delirious from my incessant inner voice, battling for some semblance of sanity and I called out to you. My mind told me to yell for help but my ears heard the word
Cage
spill from my lips – over and over, I pleaded for you, but you never came. I screamed in fear and frustration – “Cage! Cage! Cage!” Over and over again, like a child calls for their father to scare away the monsters that lurk underneath their bed at night. A call for love and protection, but you never answered me – you never came.