Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? (40 page)

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Network design, FYI.

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“Homer’s Enemy,” episode number 176 of
The Simpsons
—Best. Episode. Ever.

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Meaning
your
.

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In my expert opinion, formed from losing every utility during my extended unemployment.

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Yes, watching the
American Idol
finale is totally considered dire. Come on, Justin versus Kelly? It was history in the making!

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Lafayette, Indiana—home of the slow news day. (We were the top story!)

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Meaning I burned my hand on it, damn it.

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Rim shot!

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I do 50 percent of all my reading in the tub.

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When Lacoste split with Izod? Most. Tragic. Divorce. Ever.

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No offense.

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Having just Googled “island where Wonder Woman is from,” I ran across a bunch of photos of Lynda Carter from the series in the seventies. No wonder my dad always watched the show with me.

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Do you think the Devil will get a kick out of me and perhaps allow me a small fan in Hell?

¹
For the most part.

²
I had a bit of a beer-induced 1-800-PSYCHIC FRIEND addiction before we met. I’ve yet to have another $300 phone bill since we’ve been together.

³
All the bleu cheese dressing was gone, so I thought the mayo would be an adequate substitution. It wasn’t.

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And kind of stupid, if I’m being perfectly honest.

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Speaking of crazy old ladies…

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You know what didn’t help? Me trailing along behind her singsonging, “Yooooou’re in trooooooouble!”

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And thank God, because I can’t take any more Lucky Charms.

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Yeah, like I didn’t plan
that
intentionally. Like a spider and her web, I was.

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He didn’t find out otherwise until it was far too late.

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See? I am all about the locked door, unlike one Miss Carrie Bradshaw, who’d sit in her apartment with her window wide open. So either Giuliani really did turn New York into Disneyland or something wasn’t realistic.

¹
“Fucktard” being my all-time favorite.

²
Other attempts include paying bills instead of stuffing them in a cabinet and fewer Pepperidge Farm–based dinners.

³
Read box.

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You know who never referenced her childhood influences? That’s right. Miss Carrie I-Have-No-Past Bradshaw. I also don’t remember her ever freaking out over a routine well-woman exam, so I’m calling this one a draw.

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I once took a lousy job in the Chicago Board of Options Exchange building because of a similar view.

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Coming soon to a theater near you!

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I’ve lost a sock in the process—WTF?

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Yes, yay, me! I was able to do something once in ten years that every other woman in America does on a routine basis without blinking an eye.

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Two things to note for future reference—sashimi is a
terrible
drunk food, and if you have to throw up in a public place, there’s no finer washroom than the one at the Four Seasons.

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And I bet it’s never taken any of them two hours to go four miles either.

²
There’s no specific term for fear of riding the bus, but there totally should be, considering there are words for fear of the Pope (papaphobia), fear of poetry (metrophobia), and fear of string (linonophobia). I mean, come on, fear of
string
? WTF?

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Also known as the driver.

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BTW, Mr.
Sports Illustrated
won’t find me the least bit amusing when I suggest, “Next time you do that, you better be tipping!” in an attempt to dissipate the awkwardness.

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A fantastic tour—$2 admission and all the fresh beer you could drink!

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But they would be
wrong
.

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March 30, 2006—Chicago CTA announces the creation of a new elevated train line, to be called “the Pink Line.” You’re welcome.

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Except for shoes and eye shadow, of course. Do not buy purple shoes
or
eye shadow—am not Tammy Faye Bakker.

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Non-chick-lit-knowing-about philistines.

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Including $10 bet.

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Read hate.