Bring Me the Head of Sergio Garcia (35 page)

Camera bulbs flashed from all angles. Balls pelted the
stage
. A lady from Sky Sports News asked me if I'd like to say a few words about my day. How many times had I let the prospect of moments like this – moments, let's be honest, like this but far more pedestrian and dull – loom heavy and crush a good round of golf? Now, however, I surprised myself. Confidently, I took the microphone and thanked my playing partners for their good cheer, Thom for his patience and his instinctive understanding of my game, Edie for her help in the construction of my golf bag, and the weather for holding off and not turning it into papier mâché. I had half handed the mike back when one last crucial point occurred to me. I wondered, in the end, how I could have been so stupid as to have almost forgotten it.

‘I'd like to thank the greenstaff,' I said. ‘for the condition of the course.'

1
‘I've just got me licence back,' Liam explained later.

2
‘Mine's “Voltage”,' said Liam. ‘Because of my hair.'

3
Fielding these questions is an occupational hazard for every former Golden Boy going through hard times. A few days before I met up with Liam, I'd spoken to Michael Welch, the former England Boys' Champion (the one who'd laughed at my hat at Mollington). After several years struggling on the Europro Tour and the Challenge Tour, he had decided to quit tournament golf. ‘Sometimes it felt like every time I came back to the clubhouse after a tournament there would be someone asking me what had gone wrong with my game,' he said. ‘If I knew the answer, I would have fixed it.'

4
Memo to British PGA HQ: Something must be done about this James business. Would it not be more logical simply to change the name of British professional golf's governing body to the JGA? Obviously the ensuing dialogue might sound a little odd – ‘I've been really practising hard since I turned James'; ‘There are a lot of misconceptions out there about the life of a James' – but I'm sure everyone would soon get used to it, and it would help separate us from our American counterparts.

5
It was in situations like this that one realised that pro tournament golf and amateur golf are games not just of vastly different standards, but of vastly different styles of etiquette, too.

6
Several of them did, comprehensively.

7
These were, after all, free, which, when you'd spent the last nine months shelling out £4 a piece on Titleist Pro-Vs, could be counted as an unusual luxury – even if they did bounce with all the consistency of a bruised pomegranate.

8
Sample promotional soundbite: ‘With an Eye Candy Caddy by your side, other golfers will be green with envy.'

9
The urban balls might not have travelled very long distances, but it seemed that when you shanked them, they still went a long way off-target.

10
Who exactly was ‘Cheeky Pete', and how precisely had he got to 114 over par?

A special thanks goes out to my excellent editor Tristan Jones, and to Edie Mullen, James Day, Simon Farnaby and Scott Murray, all of whom helped keep me going when the going got tough. I'd also like to thank the following for their help on the journey: Karl Morris, Daniel Bursztyn, Simon Trewin, Ariella Feiner, Gavin Christie, Steve Gould, Dave Musgrove, Paul Creasey, John Ronson, Emma Hope, Jeremy Dale, Ben Witter, Ron Lampman, Paul Barrington, Charandeep Thethy, Steve Lewton, Mike Lewton, Peter Gorse, Peter Crone, Chris Wellstead, Dave Wilkinson, Pete Benson, Alan Benson, David Elliott, Ken Brown, Doreen Powell, Lee Westwood, Liam White, Andrew Seibert, David Brooks, Keith Perry, Thom Gordon, Jeremy Feakes (RIP), Eddie Hearn, Dave Allen, Mark Harrowell, all the players on the Europro Tour, and all the gang at Urban Golf.

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Published by Yellow Jersey Press 2008

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Copyright © Tom Cox 2007

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