Brisé (22 page)

Pulling up the driveway, I’m anxious for her reaction. I glance over and see her wringing her hands together, staring out the windshield. “What do you think?”

“It looks gorgeous,” her voice is void and strained.

“What is it?” If she isn’t comfortable here with me, I don’t want to push her.

“This is rude, but how can you afford this?” It’s sobering that she has no clue what I’ve done for myself.

“Let’s get inside and then we can talk.” She just nods and blindly follows me up the steps. I want her to love it as much as I do. I open the door for her and follow her in. She freezes in the entryway, and I hear her gasp in shock. I can’t help but smile, proud of how far I’ve come.

“It’s beautiful, Luke. You can see the lake from every angle.” I drop the bags just inside the door and reach my arms around her, circling her waist, and pulling her back against me. She relaxes and sinks back against my chest with a deep sigh.

“It’s perfect, right now with you here.”

“Why’d you buy it?”

“I needed a change. One with no bad memories . . . with no you. Now, I want to create memories here, with you. A fresh start.”

She turns in my arms and embraces me. I feel her shivering in my arms, and I kiss the top of her head. “Relax, it’s just me. I would say, I’m your best friend no reason to be nervous, but you dethroned me from my title and gave it to Brett.” I’m teasing her . . . sort of.

“You’re so much more. Best friend doesn’t encompass all that you are to me.”

“Good answer,” I chuckle. I push her away gently and pull her to the living room. We need to get comfortable if we’re going to talk. “It’s late, I know. Do you want to put off talking until tomorrow?”

“No. When I wake up tomorrow, I want no questions. I need this to be resolved, it’s killing me.” I nod at her. “Can you answer my question from earlier? Do you forgive me?”

I take a deep breath. “If that’s what you need. I can say the words, but it isn’t up to me to forgive you. Yes, you left. You broke my heart, but who am I to say we would have worked anyway? Choices, Phoebe. We all have them. I hate we lost that time, and I was angry with you for so long. Blaming you for my misery, and wanting something from you that I didn’t feel you ever gave me. I wanted to be your choice. I forgive you, but I don’t have anything to forgive you for.” She has tears running down her face she makes no attempt to stop. I wipe them as quickly as they come.

“I don’t know what to say to that. I’ve needed those words for years, but I don’t think I can say them to myself. You were always my choice, and I felt in some back-handed way I was protecting you from the mess I was.” Her emotions are fragile right now, but I need her to hear me.

“You need to forgive yourself and stop feeling so guilty. We both suffered, maybe it was unnecessary, but I won’t regret anything that brought you back to me, ready for a future. So if you need me to tell you every day that I forgive you, then I will. But Phoebe, you have to forgive yourself. We can’t move on if you don’t.” She takes a shaky breath and launches herself in my lap. I hold her while her body is racked in sobs, my shirt is soaked from her tears, and I beg her to forgive herself. This is hard, the whole teardown before you build up. It means laying yourself bare.

Once she calms down, I ask her. “Can you forgive me?” This next answer can seal our fate. I can’t look in her eyes, and my hands are shaking so badly. I want to flee the confines of this room while waiting for her answer.

She grabs my hand, “Luke, I forgave you a long time ago. I choose you. I love you.” I let out the breath I’m holding and look into her eyes. I reach for her, settling her on my lap, wrapping my arms around her. I won’t ever let her go. I crash my lips on to hers. Each kiss we have ever shared is unique. This one is no different. It’s sweet, scorching, and a promise. It’s familiar, yet an exploration. Her tongue matches mine, yet lets me take control. She’s my oxygen and I hers. The heat from her mouth radiates into mine, and it seems like time has stopped. She pulls back, “Tell me, Luke. I need to hear it.”

I capture her lips one last time before tilting her chin up, looking right into her eyes so there’s no doubt, “I love you, Phoebe Wells. Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday. You’re my heart, Twinkle.” Not waiting for a response I sink back down onto her mouth and lose myself again.

We barely stop for a breath, when she starts squirming on my lap; I know it’s time to take this to the bedroom. I stand up, still holding her in my arms, and walk the short distance, “Are you sure?”

“No doubt,” she utters as she takes my bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth before gently biting down. That jolt goes straight to my straining dick, and I growl. She repeats the motion, loving the reaction she’s getting from me. I stand her up by the bed and make quick work of her clothes. I need her naked, and I need her now. She fumbles with my clothes, and when we’re both stripped bare, our gazes wander. Traveling up and down each other’s body, learning and exploring the new curves and muscles.

“God, you’re more beautiful than before. I love you.” I take her mouth again and push her back towards the bed. I follow her down and pull her body so her head is resting on the pillows. I kiss across her collarbone, my hand moving down to cup her breast. I watch her face the entire time; seeing the passion burning in her eyes fuels me. Gently pulling her nipples to peaks, I circle my tongue against them, back and forth with each one. My mouth working her tits, I snake my hand down between her legs. “You’re so wet for me.” She answers me with a moan, shifting of her hips, trying to get my hand where she wants it. I slide one finger in while circling her clit in a figure eight motion.

Working her up turns me to stone. I’m so hard it hurts, and I need to be inside her. Moving on top of her fully, I allow my weight to settle on top of her. I gently push in her making sure my pubic bone is hitting her clit on each stroke. Reaching down, I grab her hips, setting us in a rocking motion until we’re in rhythm. I stare into her eyes as she looks in mine. No words are spoken, but the love is overwhelming. Finding our release together, we both collapse and hold one another. I have never felt closer to her than in this moment.

Chapter 26

Phoebe

The last week with Luke, secluded in his home, has been beyond magical. I’m so proud of what he’s done, how successful he’s become, and I remind him of it daily. I never want him to doubt how much he means to me. “Do we have to go home?” I whine.

“Yes. Drake is being arraigned tomorrow, and you have responsibilities at the studio.” He keeps me grounded because if it was up to me I would forget about everything but us, here and now.

“If you insist,” I tease him.

“Hey, I’m all for making you a kept woman, right here in my bed.” He kisses me, and I wonder if I could chain him up. Swatting my ass, he tells me, “Get a move on, lazy bones.”

I slowly get ready, dreading leaving our solitude to face real life. “What are your plans?” We haven’t talked about this.

“For when?”

“Are you moving here?”

“Not without you. We can use this as often as we want, but my place is with you. You’re stuck with me.” Thank fuck.

“So you’re moving in with me?”

“Are Brett and James moving out?” I laugh at him.

“They never moved in. Eventually, I think Brett will retire and move to help me with the studio, but right now he still loves New York. They just came down to save me from myself.”

“Then yes, we will officially shack up together . . . again.”

“How romantic,” I pretend to faint at his feet. Shaking his head with a smile, he loads our stuff in the car, I walk through the house making sure we didn’t forget anything, and he comes back to start locking up.

“Luke,” I call out to him. When I get his attention, “What did you mean when you told me not to build a playhouse because one day our daughter would play in it?”

“Exactly what I said. You plus woodworking don’t exactly make a safe design.”

“No, did you mean you want to have a daughter?”

“And a few sons. The sons have to come first, they need to watch out for their sister.” I try to catch my breath.

“What if I can’t give you that?” That’s always a possibility after chemo. The first few rounds I wasn’t too worried about it, I was younger, before puberty. This last time, well we won’t know until we try, but I don’t want him committing without the full picture.

“What do you mean?” He’s studying my face.

“The chemo. I may not be able to have kids.”

He strides towards me, grabbing my face gently, “No, you can always have kids. You may not be able to conceive or carry our kids, but whether we adopt or not you can have kids, and they’ll be mine. Ours.” He reiterates his statement with a bruising kiss and finishes locking up the house. This man has all the answers my heart desires.

“Okay,” is all I can manage.

“When do you go back to the doctor?”

“I have to call and schedule. Get all my records transferred,” he whips his head back to me.

“You haven’t been to the doctor in two months since you’ve been home?”

“I have time. I am on a six month schedule.”

“No. I need it to be monthly. I can’t do it again. I will lose my fucking mind. Every month, Phoebe.”

I know it terrifies him. I’m scared every time I go to the oncologist, waiting for results. “Okay, Luke. Whatever you need.”

“Just you. As long as I have you, I’ll be fine.”

“Well then you’re perfect because you definitely have me.”

“Forever.”

“Forever.” I hate promising something I have no control over, but he has me for as long as my forever is. Even getting past the infamous five year mark in remission will do little to ease my fears, because it came back before. I promise myself that each day I will make a new memory with Luke. And I
will
give him children, whether they’re from my womb or not, they will be from my heart.

Brett and James are still here; they’ll be leaving after they see what happens to Drake. Luke brings whatever he had at his parents over; falling asleep in his arms never gets old.

Drake is found guilty; with his prior record he gets no leniency. He’s sentenced to fifteen years on one count and another ten years on the other. Needless to say, he’s disappearing from my life. I’m busy scheduling and hiring for the studio, and it’s really taking off. I don’t want to overbook classes and want to keep the small studio feel. It’s a balancing act.

Quiet time with Luke is always late evenings, and I don’t want to lose that. We have our routine and it works. Over dinner, he asks, “When is your doctor’s appointment? I want to make sure I’m not scheduled for clients.” Shit. I forgot.

“I don’t have one yet. I’ll send myself a reminder to set it up,” I promise him as I pull up the calendar in my phone.

“What the hell, Phoebe? It’s been six damn weeks since I told you to schedule it.” I know this is a hot button for him.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy and it slipped my mind.”

“Fuck,” he shouts. He’s frozen in terror, and reliving this won’t allow us to keep moving forward. I have to tread lightly.

“Luke, I know you are terrified. It’s scary for me. I’m not being dismissive, and I’m sorry I forgot. You can’t let the fear rule you; if you do we won’t ever be free to just enjoy it. Cancer is a part of our life, of my body. We need to hope for the best, but take it as it comes. Forcing me to go to the doctor every month isn’t going to change anything.”

“We can catch it earlier,” he’s so sure it’s coming back.

“Not always. It takes a while before my levels will register and the scans won’t always pick up early detection. You have to stop living with the mindset it will come back. That’s always a possibility, but grab on to some faith and believe we have a lifetime together.” I beg him. He can’t live like this; it will kill us.

I finish putting the reminder in my phone and kick myself for not remembering. I’m not purposely trying to give him a heart attack. “I’m sorry, Twinkle. I know you’re right. Maybe the first appointment I go to will reassure me.” I fucking hope so because this will suffocate me and put a strain on us we don’t need. Part of the fear is our future. Not one riddled with cancer, death and despair; but what if I can’t have another child with him? Our lives will be full, we have options others don’t. Selfishly, I want to be able to give him something that was taken from me . . . from both of us. I feel like it will set the wrongs right. I know the possibilities are against us, a slim chance the chemo didn’t wreck my reproductive system but hearing that will make it a reality, one I am not ready for.

I manage to remember to schedule the appointment and the relief on his face makes all of his neurotic tendencies disappear. I wasn’t nervous at all; I’ve had three weeks to prepare because I had to get my records transferred. Now sitting here on the eve before seeing the doctor, who gave me the devastating news last time, I’m having a mini-meltdown. Luke is outside, finishing up the yard work, and I don’t want to talk to him about this. His anxiety mixed with mine equals a dosage Xanax hasn’t formulated yet.

“Hey,” he says in my ear making me jump off the couch. I don’t know why he insists on sneaking up behind me.