Bro on the Go
Authors: Barney Stinson
Also by Barney Stinson
The Bro Code
ON THE
GO
BARNEY STINSON
with
MATT KUHN
A Fireside Book
Published by Simon & Schuster
New York London Toronto Sydney
| Fireside A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com |
™ & © 2008, 2009 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.
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This Fireside trade paperback edition November 2009
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Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.
ISBN 978-1-4391-7313-8
ISBN 978-1-4391-7315-2 (ebook)
A portion of this work was published in
The Bro Code
by Fireside in 2008.
For my vacation home
A BRO WITH HIS FIANCÉE AT A THAI COOKING CLASS
FROM THE DISINFECTED DESK OF BARNEY STINSON
Spider-Man’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” but what the great philosopher really meant was, “With great power comes a never-ending string of dumbass questions.” In the year since selflessly bestowing
The Bro Code
upon humanity I have been inundated with letters, emails, texts—even a few stalker-level break-ins—from people in every corner of the globe, but mostly France.
Everyone wants to know three things:
1. Why haven’t you been nominated for a Nobel Prize?
2. How can one person be so handsome, smart, popular, and handsome? (The “one person” I’m referring to is you—Barney Stinson.)
3.
The Bro Code
is immensely entertaining, educational, and
available via Fireside Books/Simon & Schuster, but it offers only general guidelines about how to live my life. What do I do when I’m at the office, going to the beach, or when I’m supposed to be at the office but I’m at the beach? HELP!
I answer:
1. I couldn’t possibly nominate myself for
The Bro Code
—they’ve repeatedly told me it’s against the rules—but
you
can.
1
Nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature are due January 31 and should be addressed to:
Nobel Committee for Literature
Swedish Academy
P.O. Box 2118
SE-103 13 Stockholm
Sweden
2. I don’t know, but if you’re a hot chick, perhaps we could discuss it at your place sometime . . . though now that I think about it, I probably can’t stay very long because I’ve got a thing later that night—but, yeah, no, let’s “talk.”
3. Relax. Daddy’s home. The next time you’re out and about and a Bro-related concern arises, just reach down your pants and whip out this handy reference guide:
Bro on the Go
.
For years I’ve wanted to supplement the universal laws of the Bro Code with a portable handbook of advice and commentary but for various reasons had to scuttle each previous effort:
The Guy-dance Counselor,
1
Touching Your Inner Bro,
2
and most recently
The Pocket Stinson.
3
Now, with
Bro on the Go,
I’m finally able to present the observations, reflective wisdom, and inspirational nuggets I’ve mined through the daily grind of being awesome.
In these pages you will find official Bro Codes in bold print alongside my own unique and powerful insights. To maximize utility, I’ve organized this volume by location so that a Bro trying to choose between black or gray spandex shorts for his workout can quickly flip to “A Bro at the Gym” and know the answer is a resounding “neither.” Used this way, it is my hope that
The Bro Code
will calibrate your moral compass while
Bro on the Go
provides a map to navigate your path toward total awesomeness and maybe, just maybe, getting laid big-time.
With these tools in hand (heh), you are now armed to live the life of a Bro on the Go. So take this package of wisdom, roll it into a generous cylinder, stuff it in your front pocket, and go, Bro, go.
RO ON A
D
ATE
A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.
Good word to say a lot on a first date?
“Trustworthy.”
Bad word to say a lot on a first date?
“Mommy.”
Manners dictate that you wait for your date to go to the restroom before checking out whether that blonde in the corner is indeed spank material.
Sure, the popcorn trick sounds like a great idea, but nobody’s actually ever done it. And that’s why she’ll never see it coming.
You can learn a lot about someone on a first date, but the only way to get her weight is to steal her driver’s license.
RO
B
EHIND THE
W
HEEL
A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.
This is all the car in front of you’s fault.
That whole “sexy female cop with handcuffs and whipped cream” thing happens far less than the adult film industry would lead you to believe.
Remember when you paid extra because you had to have a sunroof?
At a four-way stop, “Bros before ho’s” still applies.
(Heh. “Four-way.”)
Jumping through the window
Dukes of Hazzard
style is fun. Landing with the emergency break between your legs isn’t.
RO IN
H
IS
P
AD
If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.
An adult channel home is a happy home.
Stuffing your matching sheet sets inside one of the pillowcases is a no-fuss way to keep your linens organized.
Even if it means banging a pot during battle scenes, a Bro should make some sort of attempt at surround sound.
RO AT THE
M
OVIES
If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40
P.M
. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
If it looks like you’ll be staring at a giant Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, or Dame Judi Dench for the next ninety minutes, remember:
Die Hard
is probably on TV right now.
Appropriate seating arrangement for two Bros:
Bro—
[empty “we’re just Bros” seat]
—Bro.
Just a hunch, but I bet the vice president/general/police chief from the beginning is somehow behind all this.
No matter how bad it is, DO NOT WALK OUT OF A KATE WINSLET FILM: 83 percent chance of a rack cameo, highest of any multiple Academy Award nominee.
RO AT THE
S
TRIP
C
LUB
In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity.
This is not the venue to try out that new black light.
There are a million reasons not to use a credit card here, but only two silicone-filled reasons why you probably will.
A fun trick to play is to tell that 6 foot 8 bouncer that your Bro is groping all the girls.
Some handy Russian phrases:
“Good evening.”
“Boy, it sure is nice to unwind after a long day at the immigration office.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve got a whole box of blank green cards back at my apartment.”
RO AT THE
G
AME
When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
Even though you’re in the upper deck and he’s on the mound, yes, the pitcher can hear you shouting. More to the point, he’ll never know that giving up that two-run homer has pretty much blown the team’s chances of victory unless you personally tell him so.
The stranger sitting next to you would totally like to hear about your high school sports moment of glory.
RO AT THE
B
ALLET
n/a
RO AT THE
O
FFICE
A Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
1
As collegial as your office might be, nobody wants to see you exit the restroom and announce, “I just dropped a bomb in there.”
“Had trouble sleeping last night” is a crude but time-tested cover for a bad hangover.
If you’re giving a presentation and your mind suddenly goes blank, you can always start chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!”
“Clear browser history” saves jobs.
RO AT THE
M
ALL
A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.
Don’t look back—they were definitely teenagers.