Broken (18 page)

“Okay, but stay down there.”

Slowly, inch by inch he edged his way up the length of the bed until his back leaned against mine.

“I know, fella, I miss him too.”

Max was restless, circling the living room, so I let him outside. He sat on the back deck, his head on his paws, looking at the ocean. I knew he was missing Adam, but I wondered how much he understood. Did he look at the water and think about the morning swims they used to take, or did he just know that his master wasn't around and miss the sound of his voice as much as I did?

I had hoped that someone from the hospital would let me know what was happening, that maybe even Adam could have called my cell to let me know he was all right, but there was no word. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and drive over to the hospital to find out what was going on.

The cheerful lady at reception was very helpful and told me which ward Adam was on. As I followed the signs, I passed the gift shop, the air perfumed by the array of flowers sitting in their buckets out front. Bending down, I plucked out a bunch of yellow roses, knowing that the color symbolized friendship and good health. If Adam and I were just friends, then I was going to be the best friend I could be.

As I made my way to his floor, I felt renewed hope that he would see me and smile brightly, having missed holding me last night.

“Excuse me, miss,” a clipped tone called as I tried to quietly make my way up the corridor.

Damn!

“Hi, I'm just here to see Adam Walker,” I told the nurse at her station, not stopping as I continued to sidle my way closer to his room.

“I'm sorry, doll, but his doctor has said no visitors.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “What doctor?”
And don't call me doll.

“His cardiologist.”

“Oh, Annabel. That's okay, I know her. She wouldn't mind,” I said, as if Annabel and I were old friends.

“No, sorry, doll, she specifically mentioned no female visitors.”

Of course she did; the only female visitor Adam would have would be me.

Reluctantly, I sat in the waiting room that was just up the corridor from Adam's room. If they wouldn't let me see him, I would wait until Dr. Annabel Carmichael strutted past and corner her. The minutes turned into hours, and I sat, and sat, and slouched; then I paced for a little while before sitting again. Finally I saw Annabel approach the nurses' station, and I sprang into action.

“Annabel,” I called, waving like a crazy person just in case she didn't know who had spoken.

She turned slowly. The expression on her face told me she wasn't surprised that I was there. “Evie—” She gave me the once-over. “You look tired.”

Yes, I was tired. I'd hardly slept, worried sick about Adam. She, on the other hand, looked as if she'd just won
America's Next Top Model
and damn, how many skintight knitted dresses did the girl own?

“What's goin' on? I want answers.”

“He's fine. I've put him on an antibiotic intravenous drip to fight the infection in his chest. He'll be home tomorrow.” She patted my arm. “Go home, Evie. Seriously, you don't know the first thing about him. For your own good, end whatever it is you think you have now, before he breaks your heart. There's no future for the two of you.” Noticing the wilting flowers in my hand, she asked, “I assume they're for Adam? Did you want me to give them to him?”

“Yes, that'd be great, and please, let him know I was here.” Handing them to her, I regretted not spending another two minutes on writing a card to go with them.

She turned and clipped her way up the corridor in her four-inch heels. When she was a few doors up, she turned back to look at me and raised her hand. For the briefest moment I thought she'd had a change of heart and was going to call me over, but she didn't. She gave me a little wave to go with the smug grin on her face, before entering the room—Adam's room.

Should I make a dash for it?

My eyes darted over to the nurses' station. The old biddy behind the desk had one brow cocked, watching me like a hawk. Still, I could probably outrun her and reach the door before she tackled me. But then what? Did I go bursting into Adam's room only to be thrown out after making a scene? If he'd wanted to see me, he could have phoned or told Annabel to let me visit. When it had come to the crunch, he had chosen Annabel as the girl he wanted by his side, the one he wanted to take care of him, and that was more of a telling sign than any other. We could spend time with anyone when we were happy and healthy, but it was the person we wanted to be with when we were unwell that was the true person in our heart.

With a heavy heart, I gave the nurse a forced broad smile. “You've been ever so helpful,
doll
.” Then I left.

I couldn't do this with Adam anymore. As much as I wanted him, if he didn't want me, then I wasn't going to humiliate myself by begging for a minute of his attention. I needed to pull up my big-girl panties and end it once and for all in a mature, non-tantrum-throwing way.

Finding a box that Adam had brought groceries home in from the store, I swept through the house, gathering up his belongings and arranging them neatly inside it. The amount of clothes had grown since he had first filled his drawer, and I wondered if there was much left at his rental. Well there would be soon enough. As I folded the remaining clothes, I picked up a T-shirt from under the bed and held it to my face, burying my nose in his scent.

Tears blurred my vision and I wiped them dry on his shirt. “It was fun while it lasted, Sugar,” I said into the shirt as I inhaled deeply one last time before tucking it under my pillow for safekeeping.

Adam's paintings were stacked together against the wall, and I flipped through them, admiring his artistic interpretation. He had painted the lighthouse a few times now, but each painting was different, the light setting the mood from bright and cheery, to gloomy and ominous. There were also numerous other paintings that he must have used photos to create. There was a couple of the beach looking out to the right, as well as a little sheltered alcove that I hadn't seen before. As I continued to browse through them, I came across one of the house I was now standing in, the sand sweeping up to the back deck, the little cottage standing proudly amidst the gray sky. It was beautiful, the type of painting that I would want to hang as a keepsake, had our time together not ended so badly.

My portrait was half completed and I stood a few feet away from it, taking in the painting as a whole. He had done a brilliant job so far, and I knew that given the chance, it would be a piece to be proud of. But there was no chance I would be posing practically naked for him ever again. Not only did I not want to, but also I was sure Annabel would have something to say about it if I ever stripped in front of him again.

Annabel.

Admiring my portrait, I wondered how many times, and in how many varying degrees of undress, Adam had painted her. By the way he'd captured my expression perfectly, the light illuminating one side of my face and the small smile barely gracing my lips, it was obvious it wasn't the first portrait he'd ever worked on.

“She'd need a second canvas just for those enormous bazookas,” I muttered under my breath. Looking down at my decent-sized boobs, mosquito bites compared to hers, I felt totally inadequate. Inadequate in femininity, inadequate in intelligence, and apparently I'd failed in my lovability too.

Slumping on the floor, I called Max to me. He trotted over happily before half climbing into my lap. “At least you like me, don't ya, fella?”

He slobbered on my hand and I hugged him hard.

“I don't reckon you like Annabel much, though, do ya?” He hadn't seemed excited to see her and she hadn't patted or talked to him. I couldn't understand it. Anyone who didn't love the heck out of this dog just couldn't be trusted, in my opinion. He was adorable. In fact, the only thing of Adam's I didn't want to return was Max. He was my companion now, and I would miss those big brown eyes and the way he knew when I was feeling down and would come over to cheer me up.

Adam was due back sometime during the day and I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the bigger person. To tell him I was glad that he was feeling better and that if he was happy, then I was happy.

Max and I ventured over to Adam's, but he wasn't home yet. It was getting close to lunchtime and I was sure he would have been discharged in the morning.

“Should we wait?” I asked Max, not expecting any kind of response. He sat on the back deck, making himself comfortable on the mat, his head resting on his paws.

So there was my answer. After two more trips to carry all the paintings over, I took a seat on a deck chair and waited. Seemed I was doing that a lot these days—waiting for Adam. But he was worth waiting for—at least, I had thought so. I would have waited outside in the cold for hours if he had only given me some indication that he was still interested. Instead I was waiting to return his possessions so that our relationship would be over for good.

Finally, there was movement inside the house as Adam and Annabel entered through the front door. Max leapt up, his tail wagging furiously, then barked and growled deep in his throat as Annabel came to the door.

“Oh shoo, you silly dog,” she scolded, pushing him to one side with her leg. “Evie, what do you want?”

Well, that's a lovely welcome.

“I'm actually here to see Adam, seein' as this is his house.” I was tired of being nice. It had gotten me nowhere but swept aside.

“He needs to rest.” She was standing in front of the partially open door, blocking my entrance, and I was just about to hip and shoulder her out of the way when Adam appeared behind her.

“Hi, Evie. What are you doing here?” He sounded surprised, and I suppose he was—surprised by my persistence. But I wasn't there to beg him to love me or to give me a second chance. I was there to say goodbye.

“Hello, Adam. Are you feelin' better?” For all my bravado, I couldn't be cold and detached. I cared about him deeply and just seeing him made my heart flutter.

His eyes sparkled for a second, but then that wall went up. “Yep, not too bad now.” His gaze dropped to Max, who was jumping in circles with excitement. “Thanks for looking after Max.”

I shrugged. “He's great company. I'll miss 'im.”
And you. I'll miss you too.
Indicating the paintings and box of goodies, my hand shook and I quickly shoved it in my pocket. “Here's your stuff, except the paintin' of the lighthouse that I loved. I'm keepin' that as payment for takin' care of Max.”

He frowned, his eyes sweeping over his belongings. “So you've packed up all my stuff?”

I shrugged nonchalantly. “I thought I'd make it easier for you, seein' as you're not well.”

His chest heaved as he expelled a wracking breath. “I guess I should thank you, then.” He paused, his eyes searching my face. I could have sworn he was about to say something sweet, something romantic to explain the way he had treated me when he was ill and return everything back to the way it was.

But Annabel cleared her throat, reminding us she was still there, and the moment was lost. Adam leaned down and whispered something in her ear that I strained to hear. She gave him a nod and then squeezed past him, making sure to press those massive water balloons against his arm as she returned inside.

“What are you going to do now, Evie?”

It sounded like a loaded question and I hesitated, not sure if he expected me to grovel or burst into tears. Maybe the old Evie would have, but not this girl. I was stronger than that. I may have thought,
I'm going to go home and bawl my eyes out,
but there was no way I would show him that after he had dumped me so unceremoniously.

I shook my head. “Finish my book. Go back to New York.” I shrugged. “Life goes on, doesn't it?” I really didn't know what I was going to do now. All my hopes had been pinned around somehow being with Adam for the remainder of my life.

“You shouldn't be alone, Evie. Maybe you should consider that reconciliation Charles talked about. You need someone who can be there for you, who you can grow old with,” he said softly, while staring at his feet.

Wow, that was a brush-off if ever I'd heard one. No wonder he couldn't meet my eyes.

“It doesn't concern you anymore, Adam. Annabel's presence has made it quite clear that there's no future for us anymore, if there ever really was.” I hesitated as my voice cracked with emotion.

His face softened and he took a step closer to me, but again his expression straightened quickly and the warmth that I'd thought was there disappeared.

Fuming, I stood there stubbornly, hands on hips, waiting for
my
Adam to resurface, the straight-talking Adam who was over Annabel, because the man standing before me was a coward I didn't recognize.

His mouth opened to speak, but before he could say anything to ease my frustration with this entire situation, Annabel's voice rang out, calling him back inside.

“You know what? Fuck you, Adam,” I spat. “There ain't no future for Charles and me ‘cause unlike you, I've learnt from my mistakes and I have no intention of rehashin' a relationship that didn't work the first time ‘round.” Tears tipped over my lashes and I tried to blink them away, but they refused to obey. “But that's just fine; I don't mind bein' on my own. Least now I know what I want in a man. Even if you don't want me, I'm not goin' back to Charles, not after I've seen that there's so much more, experienced so much more.” I swiped my hand across my cheek. “I want someone like you, only on my list of deal breakers will be that he has to want me as much as I want him, and not be hung up on his ex-girlfriend.”

I turned to leave. A few tears streaming down my cheeks was one thing, but I could feel my composure cracking, and I knew that at any moment I would be a complete mess.

“Things are complicated, but I'm not hung up on Annabel, Evie.” His voice cracked, but I didn't look back as tears were already flooding my cheeks.

“Sure, Adam. You keep tellin' yourself that.”

My manuscript was complete and I'd finished the first read-through and edit. I guess being alone and pathetic was good for my career, and at least Angie would be happy that I was finished ahead of time.

It had been two days since Adam had returned home, but I hadn't seen him. If it wasn't for Max's daily visits, I wouldn't have known if he was still in the house or if he'd left to go back to Philadelphia with Annabel. So many times I had wanted to go over to see him, to check on him and maybe see if there was a spark that could be rekindled, but I didn't know if Annabel was still there. I thought she had left not long after I had spoken to Adam, when her car was no longer parked out front. But then again it could just be parked in the garage, and they could be holed up together having crazy good sex. That thought made my stomach churn because I knew what an amazing lover Adam was, and I was so damn jealous.

I didn't want to be there anymore knowing he was just two doors down. There was only one thing to do and I knew I had to do it, but at the same time I never wanted to leave this house. It would mean that I had truly lost the love of my life, and there was no hope of ever getting him back.

Packing up my belongings was the hardest thing I had ever done. With every fold of my clothing, my entire being screamed in my head to stop, but I just had to get away. Being two houses apart and not being able to see him was slowly killing me, piece by piece. I needed a clean start, from what was supposed to have been a clean start.

Max was in his usual position, lying on the rug snoring contentedly. There was so much I wanted to say to Adam, so in an attempt at closure and to tell him how I was feeling, I decided to write a note and use Max as my delivery dog.

Finding my notepad that had already been packed, I sat at the table, tapping out a tune with the pen. What did I want to say?

I rolled up the note, then tied it to Max's collar. “Time to go, Maxie.” I hugged him one final time, then let him out and ushered him to Adam's house, watching to ensure he went up the steps to the deck, and not racing down to the water where my ramblings would be lost in a soggy mess forever.

The sky was clear as I did a final check of the house to ensure I hadn't forgotten anything. I hadn't spent nearly enough time on the pristine sand as I would have liked, so at the spur of the moment I decided to go for one last walk before I jumped in the car for my journey home.

Taking my time, I walked up to my favorite spot on the rocks where Angie and I had perched on only a few weeks ago. I thought back to how I had gushed over Adam and how he had made me feel. I still felt that way. Even now, after he'd ended our holiday romance in such an abrupt manner, I didn't regret one second I had spent with him. He had changed my life, taking me in his hands with such care. He had gently guided me from the shy, insecure, uncertain girl I'd been into a woman who knew what she wanted. And I wanted more. A deep, ground-shaking, soul-wrenching love was what I wanted, and I would settle for nothing less. The only problem was, the man I wanted it with was Adam.