Broken (37 page)

Berg pulled back and let her rest for a moment.

Marilyn took a crumpled tissue out of her large purse and wiped her eyes. She took a deep breath. “I have nothing to say. And Lizzy said that unless I’m under arrest, I can go at any time. If you want me to sign that statement, hand it over. Otherwise, I’m leaving,” she said.

Berg sighed and slid the statement over for the woman to sign.

The obedient wife and mother hat now firmly back in place, Marilyn signed the statement and stood. “I won’t tell my husband or my daughter what happened here today, but if you come near me again, I will not hesitate.”

Berg nodded. “Okay. But think about this Marilyn. Could you live with yourself if something happened to the baby—something that
you
could have prevented by simply telling us the truth? Even if she survives, do you want little Emma to live the same life of fear that her mother did? You weren’t the mother Emma needed you to be. You never stood up to your husband, or your daughter, but it’s not too late. You can be that strong woman now. You can stand up for what you know is the right thing in your heart. Stop doing what’s comfortable for you, and start doing what’s right for your granddaughter.”

Marilyn paled then stalked out of the room.

Berg stayed seated and pondered her own words.

Marilyn wasn’t the only woman in the room living in denial. She wasn’t the only woman content with going along with the status quo, even though she knew it wasn’t right.

Berg was suddenly disgusted with herself.

Who am I?

She had always thought herself to be a strong woman who stood up for what was right—the opposite of her mother—but the truth was she was running away from her feelings and her responsibilities. The scant moments she had spent with Jay all those months ago had been the best of her life. The feelings she had for Jay didn’t just eclipse those she felt for Arena, they weren’t even in the same solar system. She’d take the minutes she spent with Jay at his place and at her mother’s funeral, over a lifetime with a man she didn’t love. She was being weak, and hated herself for it. She didn’t love Arena and never would. Yet she had passively let him decide that they were in a relationship. Had let him decide that he would raise a baby that wasn’t even his.

Since when did I become so passive?

She’d not only let him, but she’d also run away from the responsibility that she had to inform the real father about the baby.

What kind of a woman does that?

Was she going to be a mother like she had, putting herself before her child, or a mother like she had always wanted, who put the welfare of her child first?

It was time to get her shit together and be the woman she knew she could be. Everything that had happened didn’t matter now. It was just like Vi had said. It was time to put down her baggage. She owed it to her child.

Once she accepted that reality, everything else seemed so simple. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before. How many years had she wasted wallowing in a past that wasn’t her fault?

“How’d it go?” Arena asked, interrupting her thoughts.

She shook her head. “No go. I can only hope that something sinks in, over time, and she changes her mind. What about Alex?”

Arena sighed. “Utterly in denial. He wouldn’t hear anything against Elizabeth. What’s our next move? I’ve got nothing new from
Realm of Blood
. It’s a dead end.”

Berg sucked in a deep breath and popped the signed statement on the edge of the table. “Let’s put that aside for now,” she said. “Come in, we need to talk . . .”

Chapter Thirty-Five

I am hiding from some beast,

but the beast was always here.

Watching without eyes

because the beast is just my fear,

That I am just nothing,

now it’s just what I’ve become.

–The Bravery, “Believe”

B
erg walked into the ob-gyn’s office alone the next day.

Arena hadn’t even offered to join her, not that she blamed him. She wouldn’t have let him if he’d tried either. To say the breakup had gone badly would be a shocking understatement. She felt terrible that she had hurt him. She had let him believe that she had had feelings for him and they had a future together. He was a good man and hadn’t deserved it. She had resolved to try and make it up to him.

Today was her twenty-week scan. Berg couldn’t believe she was halfway through her pregnancy already. The morning sickness had stopped completely, and she was due to find out the sex of the baby with this visit. After that, she would take the picture, go over to Jay’s place, and give it to him.

Tonight
.

She would become the mother that she had always wanted.

No weakness.

She knew that Jay would stay with Carla, but she had to give him the option. She had to tell him that she loved him and that he could make them a family—if he wanted to be a dad and a partner. If he opted out, then she would be a single mother. She knew she could do it, and it was better for her, the baby, and Arena if she did that honestly rather than having a family that was built on a lie.

For the first time in months, she felt proud of herself.

She rubbed her small belly excitedly. She couldn’t wait to meet the little boy or girl, couldn’t wait to be a mom and a better person. Her old life was behind her now, and before the appointment, she had made a list of things she would need soon, like a crib, a stroller, a change table, diapers and baby clothes—even those things you plugged into power outlets to make them safe had made it onto the list.

“Mrs. Raymond?” her doctor called, motioning her inside. Berg rolled her eyes at the
Mrs.
—the doctor was clearly old school and couldn’t fathom a woman having a baby and being unmarried at the same time.

“Have you felt movements?” he asked as he probed her stomach with his hands.

“Not yet,” Berg replied.

“Hmm. Your uterus is feeling a little small for your dates. Is it possible you’re not as pregnant as you think?” he asked, frowning slightly.

Berg felt instant panic.

What if it’s not Jay’s? 

“It’s possible,” she replied weakly.

“I’m going to send you downstairs so we can get more accurate measurements,” he said. “I’ll make sure they fit you in now. Come back up to see me when you’re done.”

Berg nodded and he excused himself so she could get dressed.

With a knot of dread in her stomach, she took the elevator down to the next level and gave her name to the receptionist who ushered her into a small dark room dominated by a huge ultrasound machine.

“You don’t need to undress, just lie back on the table, undo your pants and the technician will be with you shortly,” she said kindly.

Berg didn’t have to wait long before the gel was being squeezed onto her belly by the efficient technician and the ultrasound probe was digging in.

The picture flickered to life, and Berg knew it as soon as she saw the screen.

The baby wasn’t moving.

She could clearly make out its arms and legs, its oversized head with black eye sockets, but unlike last time’s jellybean on a trampoline, this time, the baby was curled up on its side and still.

Horrifyingly still.

The technician looked at her fearfully and continued in vain to try and find the heartbeat that Berg knew was no longer there.

The lack of fetal movements, the end of the morning sickness, and the fact that she could still fit her pants over her belly . . . it was all too obvious.

Her baby was dead.

Taking her reason to live along with it.

Chapter Thirty-Six

But I’m a creep.

I’m a weirdo.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here.

–Radiohead, “Creep”

B
erg sat at her desk, methodically typing away at some report that she wasn’t even reading and certainly didn’t care about.

“Berg?’ Jay stood close, almost looming. “Could I see you in my office for a minute?” he asked, a worried look on his face.

Berg nodded and followed him.

He shut the door behind her and sat down. “I have bad news.”

But before he could begin, the door flung open and a tall, graying man stood there with a sneer on his face.

“I knew I’d find you both in here. I hear you’ve been having a lot of closed-door meetings,” the former chief of detectives, Antonio Consiglio, said, crossing his arms.

Jay shot out of his seat. “What the fuck are you doing in here, Consiglio? Get the fuck out!”

“Have you told her yet, or can I have the pleasure?” His smile looked like the face of a charging piranha.

Jay blocked Consiglio’s body with his own and forced the man back out the door. “This is
my
office, this is
my
precinct, and these are
my
detectives, not yours! Leigh might’ve let you get away with this shit, but I won’t. Get the fuck out of this building before I have you charged with trespass!” Jay yelled.

Consiglio snorted. “One way or another, I’m coming back. And when I do, you and your little
girlfriend
here will be out of work. One false step is all I need, O’Loughlin.”

“You’ve got nothing on either one of us and never will. Now get out before I throw you out!”

Consiglio laughed. “It’s only a matter of time.” He turned on his heel and left the office.

Berg hadn’t moved once during the argument at all. Words like
miscarriage
,
immediate D and C
, and
infection
were still swimming around her head like a shiver of sharks, the bite of each ripping her to shreds and drawing more blood. She hadn’t cared what the medical staff had had to say. She had run out of there before they could schedule any surgery. She hadn’t cared that the baby had stopped growing four weeks ago, or that she obviously wasn’t going to miscarry without assistance. They weren’t taking her baby away.

The part of her mind not dead from pain wondered how she could feel such deep grief for a child she hadn’t met and hadn’t felt kick. How could she be sad over the loss of something she never even had?

She was happy that she hadn’t told Jay. Not having to deliver the crippling blow to him that she’d received had been the one silver lining in this dark cloud. He’d already lost one child when Renee overdosed. He didn’t deserve to lose another.

She, on the other hand, deserved everything she got.

Of course she had lost her child. She hadn’t been worthy of it in the first place. Happiness and normality weren’t things she was entitled to.

Jay stepped back into his office muttering what sounded like a string of cuss words. When he glanced up and saw Berg watching him, he seemed to remember what they’d been in the middle of before Consiglio’s interruption. “Maybe Arena should be with yo—”

“Just say it, Jay.”

“Okay.” Jay sighed and closed the door firmly behind him. “I didn’t think he’d have the nerve to show his face here first, but Consiglio’s made a move. He’s pulled a few strings, called a police board meeting, and requested disciplinary action against you.”

“For what?” It wasn’t that she didn’t think she deserved disciplinary action, but with so many to choose from, it was more a matter of which ones he actually knew about.

“The warrant against Elizabeth Young without probable cause. I don’t know how you got it, but Judge Oliver gave Consiglio a signed statement saying that you misrepresented the facts to him. Combine that with Elizabeth’s harassment complaint . . .”

Berg nodded impassively.

First my baby, now my career—fitting.

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

Jay sighed, pressing on his temple as he scowled. “Obtain the warrant under false pretenses?” he repeated through clenched teeth.

Berg shook her head.

Of course . . . heaven forbid that sadistic ass admit to being blackmailed by a woman.

“Consiglio wants you suspended until the hearing, and obviously he wanted to tell you in person. I objected. I told them I needed you here, but you need to do
everything
above board from now on. You step one toe out of line, and he’ll pounce on it and use it to bring you and me down. With that kind of win under his belt, he’ll be reinstated as chief of detectives, and we’ll be looking for security work.”

She couldn’t move, couldn’t even work up the energy to look at Jay much less fight back. She had nothing left and nothing to say about it.