Broken (26 page)

"Hey, that's really pretty good. Is that a
real place?"

I nodded, hoping Alec would take the hint
implied in my silence. I should have known better.

"What's it called?"

The name slid out of me almost of its own
accord. "Monster Lake."

Every single birthday I could remember had
involved some kind of trip out to Monster Lake. Picnics had swapped
off with treasure hunts and then been replaced by other activities
depending on Dad's mood and my age. My subconscious had keyed in on
the one scene guaranteed to make me feel miserable.

"Was that close to your house in Minnesota?
I..."

Whatever else Alec was saying was lost to the
roar in my ears, caused as always by my racing heart. I didn't even
have a chance to try and fight the attack. By the time I realized I
was in trouble, papers were flying off my desk and the floor was
racing up to meet me.

Rather than swimming around in blackness like
I normally did when collapsed, this time there was just nothing.
One second I was falling, the next I was opening my eyes and
looking up at Alec.

"Stand back everyone, and let me
through!"

It took a few seconds to realize the sub was
the one yelling. Nobody seemed very interested in making room for
him. The reason it took so long for my brain to start working again
was that I couldn't seem to think about anything other than
Alec.

He was looking down at me with an expression
I'd never seen on his face before. I still couldn't read it, but it
was new and somehow seemed like it belonged there more than his
normal impenetrable mask.

"What's going on? Is she ok?" The sub had
finally pushed his way through the crowd, and looked like he was
about two steps away from a total panic.

Alec stood, and it wasn't until I went up at
the same time that I realized he was carrying me. "I think she'll
be fine, but maybe I should get her to the nurse. Just to be sure."
Even as he was talking, Alec was moving towards the door.

"There's really no need. I'm fine. I don't
need to see the nurse." It was obvious he was going to ignore me. I
tried to thrash around enough for him to put me down, but he
restrained my arms with a couple of fingers. The motion was so
casual I was pretty sure nobody even realized he'd pinned my arms
to my stomach with surprising strength.

I thought about kicking, or even screaming,
but that would just leave me feeling like a child and give Alec
exactly the kind of attention he was probably hoping for.

"You hit your head pretty hard; I really
think we should get you to the office. Sir, with your
permission?"

The comment about hitting my head settled me
down. It wasn't until we were out in the hall that I realized my
head didn't hurt. That was probably a really bad sign.

"Let go of my hands."

Alec unpinned my arms, set me down, and then
chuckled as I started gingerly probing my scalp. "What are you
doing? You didn't actually hit your head. I caught you before you
hit the ground."

I started to shake my head and then thought
better of it. "Please, every other time I've dropped that quickly
I've totally banged myself up. You were on the other side of my
desk, there's no way you got all the way around it and managed to
catch me before I hit the ground."

The mild amusement on Alec's face froze into
something else. "Believe what you will. There's no reason to worry
about a concussion."

"Then why did you tell the sub I'd hit my
head?"

He looked away for a moment, almost as though
deciding whether or not to tell the truth. "I presumed you wouldn't
want to stay and be subject to everyone's questions. You seem not
to like people prying about your attacks, and you were less happy
than usual today. I thought you could use the break."

Apparently he'd decided
against the truth option. "
I
 looked unhappy today? You who
never crack a smile unless you're going to get something out of it
were concerned about the fact I wasn't all smiles and giggles?
Maybe you should flunk a test or two. Only it doesn't really count
unless your dad, you know, the one who used to make your birthdays
really special, is gone."

Alec's mouth opened, closed, and then assumed
its normal place in his unreadable mask. He reached out, almost
consolingly, but I stepped away before he could make contact.

I knew I should shut up before I said
something really unreasonable, but my anger was in the driver seat
now. "Don't try and pretend you're sorry. You were just looking for
an excuse to get out of class once all of the hero worship dried
up. Well I got you out and you helped me avoid all of the stupid
questions everyone would've asked, so we're even."

There was another flicker of something I
couldn't quite read in Alec's eyes, but I was long past caring. I
turned and limped off, wishing my ankle was in better shape so I
could properly stomp.

Spanish arrived much too soon. Since I hadn't
gotten in trouble wandering the halls so far, it was a definite
temptation to skip the last hour of school too. Unfortunately my
luck was bound to give out sooner or later, and then I'd be in even
more trouble. The last thing I needed was a record of delinquency
to go along with my failing grade in Biology.

Mrs. Tiggs was positively glowing as we all
walked into her classroom. She popped out of her chair as soon as
the bell rang, and began handing out graded tests. It seemed like
my world started trembling as I turned my test over and saw an 'F'
at the top of the page.

'Come see me after class.'

The note felt like the final nail in the
coffin of my academic future. My efforts to focus were entirely
wasted. It took everything I had just to hold myself together until
class ended.

I'd planned on remaining in my seat until
everyone else left, but Mrs. Tiggs motioned me to her desk while
half the class was still filing out the door.

"It gives me no pleasure to tell you this,
but based on your initial test score I think you should prepare
yourself for the fact that you're probably going to fail this
class. I worried this would be the result of your starting so late
in the semester and not having any prior Spanish experience.
Unfortunately, it's now too late for you to switch into another
class. I'm afraid you'll just have to take the failing grade."

I stood there woodenly for several seconds,
unsure whether or not she was through. She finally made a shooing
motion and turned back to grading papers. Predictably, there were
still a half dozen other kids in the classroom. They all turned
back to the door and started filing out again, but by tomorrow half
the school would know exactly how badly I'd just been
humiliated.

I found myself just outside the tutor lab
with no recollection of having stumbled to my locker, or going by
Physics to grab the stuff I'd left there. Still, somehow my Spanish
book had disappeared, replaced by my math book. My knees started
shaking as I entered the room, but I made it safely to my normal
table before they gave out.

"Adri, Adriana? Excuse me." I didn't
recognize the girl standing across from me, but based on her
uncomfortable expression and the fact that more than one person
seemed to have turned for the sole purpose of watching us out of
the corner of their eyes, she'd been standing there longer than I'd
realized.

Apparently my looking up was enough of a
response for her to proceed. "I've got a note from Mrs. Campbell.
She asked me to deliver it to you."

I managed something that could just barely be
construed as a thank you, took the note, and watched her leave.
Somehow a note from a teacher, even one I liked, didn't seem very
important when weighed against failing two of my six classes.

The reoccurring thought of how horrified my
Dad would've been that his daughter, 'the smart one,' was going to
flunk out of high school was enough to keep me constantly on the
edge of a panic attack. The longer that went on the less ability,
and even more dangerous, the less desire I'd have to try and fight
it off.

I finally opened up the note more out of a
need for a distraction than any real inclination to find out what
it contained.

Adriana. I'm afraid I've been called into a
surprise meeting with the school administration. Normally I
wouldn't cancel the tutoring session, but Albert and Peter are both
out, and it wouldn't be fair to leave you all by yourself to try
and take care of everyone. Go ahead and tell everyone the tutoring
session is canceled, and I'll see you tomorrow.

--Nora Campbell

I sat motionless for several seconds before
realizing this was the out I needed. If I could pull myself
together enough to cancel the lab, I could go home and
self-destruct without ruining the scattered shards left of my
life.

"The lab has been canceled for today. I'm
sorry everyone, but most of the tutors are sick and Mrs. Campbell
had to go to a meeting after school. Everything should be back to
normal tomorrow though."

I expected everyone to essentially jump to
their feet and all but run out of the room. I didn't expect what I
actually got.

"Who are you and why on earth should we
believe you? The last thing I want to do is go home and get in
trouble for cutting tutoring again."

I opened my mouth to answer, but words
wouldn't make their way past the trembling in my chest. I felt
tears start threatening to arrive and further humiliate me, but
Rachel came to my rescue.

"She's one of the tutors. Patty Sanders, who
I happen to know has Mrs. Campbell's class sixth period, just gave
her a note. Stay if you want, but she's done exactly what she was
supposed to."

I wanted to give Rachel a big hug, or maybe
just break into tears right then and there. I managed to just give
her a smile, and hold off on the tears until I'd gathered up my
stuff and made it out of the room.

Rachel caught up with me before I made it
very far. "Adriana, are you ok? Don't you want a ride home?"

I turned towards her to respond and just
broke down. She pulled me into an open classroom and gave me a hug
while I tried to explain about the two failed tests, my birthday,
and how much I missed my Dad and Cindi.

The last bit was especially garbled. I was
pretty sure she wasn't getting any of it, but that didn't matter.
All that mattered was I was finally able to tell someone. I never
really got myself under control; my sobs just subsided enough for
me to tell Rachel I wanted to go home.

Isaac was standing right outside the
classroom door, and unobtrusively helped Rachel get me to his car
where she jumped into the back with me. Even through the haze of
tears I could tell he wasn't happy about the seating arrangement,
but once again Rachel showed the kind of iron will she'd
demonstrated with James. Almost before I knew it we were rolling to
a stop in my driveway. I fumbled, for the latch, but Rachel put a
hand on my arm before I could get the door open. She handed me a
white-wrapped package with a shy smile.

"Hang in there. Oh, and happy birthday. Don't
open it now, but I hope you like it."

I whispered thanks as I hugged her goodbye,
and then made my halting, limping way into the house. I was only in
the house for fifteen minutes before I realized being all by myself
was a terrible idea.

At some point I transitioned from just crying
to having a full blown panic attack. It should've terrified me that
something new was bringing on an episode, but it was like there was
so much else going wrong I couldn't spare any more emotional
energy.

I came out of the attack and lay on the floor
thinking about all of the good times I'd had with Dad and Cindi.
The memories should have made me feel better, but they had the
opposite effect. I felt the tears start again as I realized all
that goodness and joy was gone from my life forever. As my immunity
started to wear off, I gratefully surrendered to the next attack,
and the blissful relief it represented.

I knew I was on track to drop back into the
funk that'd robbed me of the weeks immediately after they died, but
I was still strangely numb in the parts that should have cared.

It seemed like I was on my third iteration,
but it might have been the fourth or fifth. I was too detached to
care. The knock on the door at least brought me back to myself
enough to wonder how long I'd been on the floor.

My ankle hurt so bad, it was all I could do
to get myself standing, and then hobble the fifteen feet to the
door.

When I finally managed to get the door open
and found empty space where there should have been a person, I
almost swore. Then I saw the incredibly beautiful rose on our
porch.

I picked it up, trimmed the bottom inch or so
off with a knife, and got it into some water acting out of nothing
more than pure habit. Dad had always kept at least a pair of rose
bushes alive. He'd loved nothing more than giving mom roses.

Once I'd safely done my part to help prolong
the future life of the gorgeous specimen, I got down to really
examining it. I was far from an expert on roses, but I'd looked
through pictures of hundreds of different kinds of tea roses, and
never seen anything quite like this one. It was as big as some of
the largest specimens I'd seen, and had at least fifty percent more
petals than most of the 'very full' varieties I was familiar
with.

That in and of itself was pretty amazing, but
nothing in comparison to the petals themselves.

They were the purest white edged in a
breathtaking purple. Equally amazing was just how velvety they
were. They looked like the softest thing in the world, and cried
out to be touched.

I expected to be disappointed as I leaned in.
Most of the prettiest roses aren't actually very fragrant. This one
proved a surprise. The normal scent I'd come to associate with
roses was there, with the slightest hint of something new,
something somehow better than anything I'd ever been exposed
to.