Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (9 page)

By

Jack Webber

T
here are times in my
life where I wonder how I came to be in the situation that I am in.  They seem
to be so absurd that you would think you were in the middle of a comedy, and
yet you recognize it as your real life.

I had a moment like
this the other day when I was in bed with Liselle.  She turned to me and said,
“So about that blowjob?”

She said it with such
frankness and sincerity that I knew I was in for an interesting discussion to
say the least.  But there is very little that you can say after that, except,
“Yes?”

“I was thinking...  Not
that I’m dying to give you a blowjob...  I mean, I’m not obsessed with giving you
one, but if you wanted me to, I’m not opposed to it.”

“Um, okay.  I, uh, like
you a lot and feel really uncomfortable with you doing that to me.  Not that I
am opposed to you as a person doing that.  I just didn’t really give your
comment the other day much thought.”

“Are you rejecting me?”

“No!  No.  I’m just not
accepting...  I mean, I have never really been one of those guys that has enjoyed
that sort of thing.  It’s not you.  It’s me.”

Even when refusing a
blowjob, it is best to never tell a girl that it is you and not her.  I’m
guessing this is the case based on the look on her face.  That’s the only
experience I have with telling a girl that it is me and not her in a situation
like this.  I’m not sure how often these situations come up, but I figured that
it is better for you to be more prepared for it than I was.

“It’s really not you. 
I have serious issues.  The idea of you...  Look, I know where my dick has been. 
Not that it has been any places that I would be ashamed of, or afraid to admit
to you.  I just... The idea of you doing that to me with your mouth when I would
then be kissing you, kind of bothers me.  So you see it really is me and not
you.”

And she was speechless
for a moment.  I don’t know if she was trying to process my explanation as
something believable, or if she thought that I was totally insane.  There is a
very fine line with how much you should reveal to a girl that you just getting
to know.

“So you’re never going
to ask me to...?”

“No, there’s the whole
me wanting to kiss you thing, and I think it is kind of rude for me to ask you
to brush your teeth and use mouthwash after doing something like that.  Plus, I
just...  Okay, I’ve seen the videos online, and I just don’t get it.”

“You don’t get women
giving men pleasure?”

“Oh, I get that, but
I’m like... Okay.  So the guy is either really passive, or he’s almost brutal in
shoving something in another human being’s face.  It’s just not what I look for
in a sex act.”

“And what do you look
for in a sex act?”

“Mutual satisfaction
where both people are treated with respect and dignity.”

“So...”

“Are we having the
“sex” talk?”

“No.”

The amazing thing about
women is that they will deny the truth while continuing their line of
questioning that affirms everything that they are denying.

“No, I just thought
that, well, I haven’t been with a guy since Steve, and since we are supposed to
use each other.”

“You’re wondering when
I’m going to fill the void left by him?”

“No, I...”

The sex talk is one of
the most awkward talks you will ever have with a woman.  It’s not awkward in
the way that it was with your parents when you were a teen.  Instead of talking
about the mechanics of sex and the consequences and moral issues involved, the
sex talk with a potential partner is more of a listing of sex acts that you are
comfortable performing or having performed on you.  It’s a negotiation process.

“I really like you,
Liselle.  There’s a part of me that wants to have sex with you.  It’s mainly my
penis, but there’s a smaller section of my heart that is willing to go along
with it.  It’s just that the rest of my heart and a good portion of my brain is
telling me to be careful and not hurt you.”

“So it’s not...”

“It’s not you.  It’s
me.  You’re a very beautiful girl.  If we had met under other circumstances,
and if I was the type of guy that could just use somebody, I would totally be
trying to do you right now.”

And as awkward as I was
at that moment, her pure smile made me know that I was on the right road.

“So what are we
exactly?”

The amazing thing about
women is that they can go from wanting to just have sex with you to wanting to
define your relationship to them.

“I don’t know.  I’m a
little bit messed up right now.  So, as your friend, I would probably tell you
not to date me right now.”

“But there’s a part of
your penis and your heart that want to make love to me?”

“It’s more the penis
with a small section of the heart, but, in all honesty, my heart is not
something that I exactly trust right now.”

“And what about your
head?”

“It’s trying to be
rational with physical and emotional appeals to its intellect.”

“So?”

“So, if you need sexual
satisfaction, my feelings wouldn’t be hurt if you used a vibrator.”

“And if I need more
than just sexual satisfaction from the man I’m sharing my bed with?”

“Then you might need to
find a new man to share it with.  I’m giving you all that I have.”

And as hard as it was
for me to say, it was even harder to watch her spirit fall after I said it. 
And even though I knew her heart was breaking, I was really glad that she
kissed me.  I needed that.

I can almost see me
giving her my heart, so that she can rebuild it to be what she needs it to be. 
I just don’t know if she can rebuild it in time to be of any use to her.

Oct. 2, 2010

Jack and I went out
last night on our second date.  He wouldn’t tell me where we were going all
week.  He would only tell me that I should dress up.  We had dinner at Cucino
Di Betto.

I can’t figure him
out.  He seems to be going back and forth on what he wants.  Earlier this week,
he was acting like he wasn’t sure that he was willing to have relationship. 
And then last night, he took me to the best date restaurant in town.

And it wasn’t just that
he took me there and paid for dinner.  He was...  He was how I wished all of my
other dates could have been.  And it wasn’t just that he treated me special by
pulling my chair out and standing up when I went to the bathroom.  It was how
he couldn’t take his eyes off of me all night.

And dinner was
amazing.  Instead of two friends out on a date, he was actually trying to get
to know me as a lover.  I could tell that he was trying to steer the
conversation a certain way.  It wasn’t just talk about my major or people that
we knew.  It was about me as a person and what I want out of life.  And it was
about me.

After dinner, he took
me to the art museum.  We just walked around and discussed the paintings and
sculptures.  At first I thought it was an odd sort of place for a date, and
then we started talking.  It seems that he is getting a degree in Art History. 
He said that it was one of those crazy things you do in college.

I learned that he used
to paint and make things.  He still takes photographs and makes movies in
addition to doing some writing.  The Art History classes were just easy for
him.  He doesn’t really want to go into that as a career or anything.

I asked him what the
point of doing it was then.  He kind of laughed to himself and said, “Sometimes
I just need to have something beautiful in my life and to know that somebody
else has felt the same things I’m feeling.”

And as I walked around
with him as my personal tour guide, I learned about him more than I did about
the paintings.  It’s not that he wasn’t knowledgeable.  For the first time
since we have been together, he seemed to open up to me.

I don’t know if that is
why he brought me here or not.  A part of me thinks that he thought it would be
a really great place to take a date.  And part of me thinks that he took me
there to see how I would respond to it.  He said something about trying to take
Brittany here and how she never seemed to enjoy it.

He breaks my heart.  I
could love him, and I think he wants to love me.  He just won’t deal with the
ghost of his ex.  Her memory seems to be around almost everything that we do.

After the museum, he
took me to a little park in town.  He had packed a few snacks and drinks in a
picnic basket.  We sat outside and looked at the stars and just talked.  In a
little bit, he pulled out some portable speakers and his MP3 player, and we
danced under the stars.

I haven’t slow danced
with a guy since the eighth grade.  I had forgotten how nice it was.  I have
gotten so used to guys gyrating on me that it made this feel all the more
special.  I can’t quite explain it.  This was somehow more intimate than even
rubbing my ass against some guy’s crotch.

And I don’t know why,
but as we were dancing, I asked him, “Do you always take girls out on dates
like this?”

“Yeah.  Well, I used
to, and then Brittany seemed to get bored by them.  Is there something wrong
with dates like this?”

“No, they’re absolutely
perfect.  You’ve given me the best dates I’ve ever been on.”  And as much as I
tried to make it sound like I wasn’t madly in love with him, I think I gave
myself away.

“At what point do you
think she got bored with me and was afraid to tell me?”

And I didn’t know what
to say, so I just kissed him.  I don’t know if he wanted me to at that moment,
but he let me.  And I don’t know why, but I felt kind of guilty after having
done it.  Maybe it was because I haven’t really kissed a guy that I’ve really
liked in a very long time.  I mean, I’ve kissed guys that I’m physically
attracted to, but Jack has this sweetness and purity to him that makes him
really attractive.  And his love for Brittany makes him a guy that I can’t
have.  It’s like he’s a sweet, forbidden fruit.

I felt really
embarrassed after having kissed him.  And I think he knew that it was not just
a random kiss with a girl that he has kissed before.  So I just put my head on
his shoulder and continued to dance with him knowing that we weren’t ever meant
to be a couple and that I should enjoy this while it lasts.

And we danced in this
odd, peaceful silence for I don’t know how long before he said, “Liselle, my
cousin is getting married next weekend.  Are you free to go to the wedding with
me?”

“I would love to.”

And he held me closer
as we continued to dance.

I’m not sure how long
we danced or when we got home.  Both of us seemed to be really relaxed when we
got back to the apartment.  There was just there serene silence over us where
neither one of us talked, but it was okay.

And we managed to avoid
the awkwardness of ending the date like we had last weekend.  We just went
inside and got ready to go to bed.  I was in bed when he climbed in and kissed
me on the forehead.

As I snuggled up to him
and put my head on his chest, I noticed that he always wears a t-shirt to bed
and that I’ve never seen him shirtless.  And before I could stop myself, I
said, “Is there a reason you always wear a shirt to bed?”

His response to that
was just laughter.

“What’s so funny about
that?”

“Oh, nothing.  It just
seems that I can’t take you out without you either wanting to give me a blowjob
or take off my shirt”, he said with very nice smile on his face.  It was hard
to be angry at him, especially when he is so cute when he smiles and is
genuinely happy, especially when I am the one that made him happy.

“Fine.  I don’t want to
see your six pack anyway”, I said as I rolled over and ignored him.

That’s when he put his
arm around me and changed his tone.  “Well, if you think I have a six pack,
then you would be disappointed.  Not that you wouldn’t be disappointed anyway
after having been with Steve.  I know why Brittany left me for him.”

I don’t know how he can
touch me so sweetly when he is talking so frankly about them.  It’s like there
is a disconnect between what he says and what he’s thinking and feeling.

“Do you really think
she cheated on you because of your body?”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“No.  Women don’t cheat
on men that they’ve been in a relationship with that long just because of the
guy’s physical appearance.”

He looked at me for a
minute as he thought about what to say.  He then sat up in bed and took off his
shirt.  And that’s when it slipped out.

“Holy Fuck, you’re
hot.”

He just shook his head
and got out of bed.  I don’t know why, but he seemed to be upset about
something.

“Do you have to make
fun of me?  I can look in the mirror and know that this isn’t the ideal”, he
said.  “And I’ve seen Steve shirtless.  I know why girls would want to go out
with him.”

And then he got really
depressed as if remembering something, “And I’ve been shirtless around
Brittany.  She never reacted that way.”

“So you’re an expert on
what women find attractive about men”, I said as I got out of bed and made my
way over to him.

“No... I just mean
that....”

As I got closer to him,
I think I was actually beginning to intimidate him.  That’s when I cornered him
and pushed him down on the bed.  Once I got him down, I started kissing his biceps.

“Your biceps are well
defined, but not overly big.  Girls want strong men, but not a guy that is
going to spend all day at the gym and never see us.”

As he was checking out
his biceps, I made my way to his shoulders.  “And your shoulders are just as
equally defined.  Natural looking and not overly developed, leaving you without
a neck.

But where your body
starts to really get amazing is at your chest.  You have really nice pecks.”

I looked at him as I
massaged his pecks.

“You don’t mind that I
can’t grow any type of hair there”, was all he could say.

My response came after
I kissed his chest and ended up licking his nipples.  I stared him straight in
the eyes and said, “No.”

I then started to make
my way down his stomach.  “I mean, you have hair leading down to your goods. 
Who needs it on your chest?”

It was one thing to
touch his defined abs with my hands.  Using my tongue to go down the path his
hair created was probably a bit too much.  I just couldn’t help myself.  It’s
not very often that you get to actually tell a guy how good looking they are.

“And to top it all off,
you have these sexy V lines, whose edges are just barely visible under your
pants.  It’s a shame really.  I would very much like to see those.”

At that point, I just
left him there speechless and got back into bed as if I didn’t care.  “Steve
has nothing on you.  And I don’t know how Brittany was able to keep her hands
off of you or was stupid enough to leave you.”

I never expected him to
say, “She never seemed interested in me.  When she first starting spending the
night, I used to go to bed without a shirt.  She made fun of the few hairs I
could grow on my chest.  She told me I should take care of those few stragglers
because they weren’t very attractive.  I then started to shave my chest, and
she told me it was like going to bed with a thirteen year old boy instead of a
guy in college.”

Knowing that it
wouldn’t really comfort him, I said, “There’s nothing wrong with your body. 
You’re built like a swimmer.  You’re lean and sexy.  And there’s nothing wrong
with the amount of body hair that you have.”

“What was it then,” he
said with such a sadness that it almost broke my heart.  “What was it about me
that made her leave me and fall for Steve?”

“What makes it think
that it was you at all?”

“Because I was with her
for four years.  During that time, she always pulled away from me physically. 
If I started to touch her in any way that I would have liked to, she asked me
to stop and told me that she was saving herself for marriage.  The last time I
checked, she isn’t married and is doing a lot of the things I wanted to do with
her, except that she is doing them with Steve.”

It was at this point
that I started crying.  I didn’t mean to.  And the more that I tried to stop,
the more that I cried even more.

Jack tried to comfort
me, but I don’t think he knew exactly what was wrong.  I think he thought he
was the reason that I was crying, which made him want to make me stop crying
and made me cry harder.

He finally ended up
saying, “Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?  I don’t want to be
making you cry all night.”

At that point, I just
got on top of him and started kissing him, which I think confused him even
more.  I could tell from his lips that he didn’t really want to be kissing me,
but he was also getting a massive erection.

“I wish I could love
you”, was all that he could say.

We spent the next few
hours talking.

Brittany did a lot of
damage to him.  He feels guilty touching a woman other than her.  Even if he
wants to be sexual with me, she conditioned him that it was a sin.

At least I have some
answers as to why he has never fondled me or treated me as a sex object.  And
he admitted to liking me, but said that it would probably be best if we didn’t
date.  He says that he doesn’t want to hurt me.

It’s funny that guys
always say that they don’t want to hurt you when what they do ends up hurting
you.  At least, he was honest in saying that it wouldn’t be fair to me to start
a relationship with me.

Of all of the guys that
I’ve dated, he’s the one I’ve fallen the hardest for.  Part of it has to be
that he’s the most decent man I’ve ever met.  He’s intelligent, fun to talk to,
and he listens.  Plus he wants me and refuses to actually go out with me.  He’s
the first challenge I’ve had in a very long time.