Broken Identity (29 page)

Drake opened his mouth to release a lengthy yawn and sensed tears rising to his closed eyes.
Gotta get outta here,
he kept repeating to himself.
Gotta
… He felt sleep coming and welcomed it gratefully. Maybe things would be different when he woke up next time.

As long as Drake had slept, he still felt as tired as he had been when he first drifted off to sleep. Hesitantly, he opened one eye, hanging in suspense that just maybe he would wake up in a different place.

But, no. Same room, same white walls, and same old migraine pal. Only this time, he wasn’t seeing things through double vision. Whatever drug that had been in his body earlier seemed to have wore off while he had been asleep, and that at least made him feel a little less dead.

He shifted his body slightly and for the first time became conscious of the pillow under his head.
At least I can feel that. What a relief. For a while there, I swore I was going crazy.
He peeked again and saw that the flowers were still there. More colorful perhaps, or had his brain simply not been up to par then and remembered them differently?

The light didn’t bother him so much anymore, so he took the time to study every detail of the room more closely. The parted blinds were long and thick, the wallpaper was end-of-the-spectrum white, and the chair in the corner seemed as isolated and confused about its presence here as he was.

He heaved a sigh and straightened his legs. What a relief to know they were still part of his body. He sensed his strength coming back, though that strength seemed so insignificant now.

He flinched.
Ouch! What was that?
Another surging pain ran down his leg, then faded as quickly as it had come.
The gunshot. Wasn’t that yesterday, or has it been longer?
He gasped.
Ronnie! Oh, man, what happened between then and now?

He tried to push himself up, but he was brought down again as another throbbing pain coursed through the nerves in his left leg.

Something stirred beside him. He froze, waiting for nothing in particular but dreading it nonetheless. Then, a familiar voice said, “Drake, are you awake?”

It was Andrew. “Yeah,” Drake answered groggily, sounding nothing like himself. “Where am I?”

Seeing Drake was too weak to turn his head, Andrew picked up his chair and moved it on the other side of Drake’s bed. “The hospital.”

Drake sighed and closed his eyes. “Guess a lot happened last night I never knew about. Or was that even last night I got shot?”

“It was last night. I called the police after you left and gave them everything you told me. It took them awhile, but they tracked down Miller’s Diner and located from there where those men were holding Ronnie. The gunshots also gave them a big clue.”

“Did they have to put up a fight?”

“I wouldn’t call it a fight. They had those thugs surrounded and in handcuffs in no time.” He coughed up a laugh and said, “You don’t mess with the Springfield police. Those guys were behind bars so fast they didn’t know what hit ’em.”

Drake wasn’t smiling.

Andrew subdued his pasted-on smile and said in a lower voice, “I’m sorry you got shot.”

“Huh, isn’t that ironic? I don’t feel sorry one bit.”

Andrew avoided that impending argument by saying, “Good news is the doctor said you were shot in the muscle of your upper leg, barely missing your femoral artery and femur. No fractures, no life-threatening bleeding. It’ll take time to heal, of course, but after that you’ll be able to—”

“Leave.”

Andrew paused and focused on the swirled marble tiles on the floor. “I wasn’t going to say that.”

“Why would it be any other way? If you’d only seen the look on Ronnie’s face when he…wait a minute, where is Ronnie anyway? Is he OK?”

“He’s fine. He came running out of the bushes as soon as he saw me step out of one of the police cars. The first thing out of his mouth was that you were asleep under a tree. I knew that didn’t sound right, and when I came to investigate, I found you lying there bleeding. I rushed you here immediately.”

“Why are you still here? Don’t you have more important things to do than watch me lay here helplessly?”

“Ronnie and I spent the night. He’s still here, actually, sleeping in a pull-out cot beside you.”

Drake folded his arms close to his chest. This room was cold enough to hang meat. He heard deep breathing beside him and thought about all Ronnie had gone through in the last twenty-four hours. “He must hate me after all I’ve done,” he said quietly.

“Hate you?” Andrew shook his head and said, “Just the opposite. He’s talked non-stop about you and how brave you were. He even bought you something with his own money.” Andrew reached across Drake’s bed and grabbed a teddy bear decorated with a halo and wings. He set it next to Drake’s hand. “He got it because he called you his guardian angel. As soon as we walked into the gift shop, he knew that’s what he wanted to get you. It took all his money to buy it too. All of twelve dollars and forty-eight cents. But he wanted to buy it. Said you were worth it.”

Drake looked down at his crisp sheets.
Go ahead and rake me over the coals.
He touched the bear’s soft fur and withdrew his hand. “I don’t feel worth it. Why can’t he see I was the reason he was kidnapped in the first place? Why didn’t you tell him that first day that it was me who made the phone call and set you up? It would have solved a lot of problems that way.”

Andrew leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “It wouldn’t have really mattered, would it? He wouldn’t have believed me. In his eyes, you’re a hero. Don’t you see? He wants to be your friend so badly if you’ll only give him a chance.”

“I said I was leaving before, and this time I mean it before I go screwing up something else.”

Andrew looked hard at Drake. “You’d do that to Ronnie?”

“If he had enough sense, he’d realize it was for his own good that I leave.”

“No, if you had enough sense, you’d realize what a great friend you’ve been ignoring for so long. He looks up to you.”

“I know. You’ve told me that a billion times now, but you aren’t putting that guilt trip on me. It’s not gonna work.”

Drake was bullheaded enough to argue with a pole. Andrew had let him rant long enough, and he wasn’t going to let him win this time. “If you feel any guilt, it’s your own conscience trying to wake you to reality. In that bed over there is a seven-year-old who loves you to death, but you’re treating him as if he means
nothing
to you.”

“He does mean—”

“How do you think that makes him feel, Drake? Yes, granted, it was your fault he was kidnapped. I’m not going to try to hide that, and yes, it made me very angry. But what are you gonna do? Go walking out of his life as if he never existed? For the past few weeks, you’ve been part of our family, whether you see it that way or not. And families have a really hard time letting each other go.”

Drake let his mouth fall open in unbelief. “Well, try to look at it from my perspective! I feel like such a failure. Everything I’ve done since I first came here has been wrong. I lied to you, I lied to Ronnie by not telling him the truth about me in the first place, and I even managed to pull off lying to myself. I thought I could change, and wanna know something else that’s hard to believe? I thought
you
could change me. It took me this long to find out
I
was the problem. No one else. It’s
me
. I can’t be part of your lives because I know I’ll just fail at that too.”

“How do you ever expect to get better if you’re always beating yourself up? You don’t think you’re good at playing the piano, you’ve complained about the yard even though I told you that you did a great job, and you’re always putting yourself down.”

Drake looked at him blankly. “My life stinks, OK? I’m living proof of what my old man said I would be. Nothing. If he could see me now, he’d tell me that a thousand times over.”

“Then who are you gonna listen to? Him or yourself? You’re not bound by what other people say about you. You’re only bound by what you confess over yourself,” Andrew said.

“You can’t wipe away eighteen years that easy. You don’t know who I had to live with. Dad berated me all the time, and it was a battlefield almost every night just to see who would win the shouting match. You don’t realize what I had to go through every single day of my life. I could say the sky was blue, and my dad would swear up and down that it was a different color. No matter what I said, it was wrong. I could buy him a pack of cigarettes for his birthday, and he’d complain that it was the wrong kind. You don’t know what it feels like to have someone you live with hate you like that. He told me once I couldn’t change. He said I could never climb the ladder and have nice food and clothes like everybody else because I was born trash and would always stay that way.” Drake bit his lip and said, “You know what? He was right.”

Andrew stretched out his hand and gently smoothed down a wrinkle in the hospital sheet. If he had thought Drake seemed distant before, he seemed even further away now. Andrew had the feeling he was no longer part of Drake’s world. Just a memory, a person who would soon be forgotten in time.

But God had bigger plans, better plans. Plans to fulfill and revive. Andrew wasn’t ready to give them up. “I know you’ve been through a lot, Drake, but you can’t use that as a crutch for the rest of your life. You
can
rise above.”

“No, I can’t,” Drake said sharply. “I tried, and look where it got me.”

“Well, then is it me who’s stopping you? Do you have this idea in your head that I have some sort of resentment toward you? I’ve forgiven you, Drake. It’s over, so let it go,” said Andrew sincerely.

“You just don’t know when to quit, do ya? I’ve already made up my mind. I’m not goin’ back. As soon as I get this stupid leg back to walking again, I’m gone.”

Andrew wondered how long his patience would hold out. The needle felt like it was teetering on the edge of empty. “Do you know why I took Ronnie in, Drake?”

“Look, I don’t need—”

“No, hear me out. I took Ronnie in because I saw a need and I met it. If you’re telling me you don’t have a need, then maybe I’m the one who’s deceived. The motive for me helping you isn’t so that it will in some way make me feel better, as if I’ve done my good deed for the month. I want to help you because I care. I want to see you happy like I see Ronnie happy, and you’ve done nothing but fight me the entire way.”

Drake glared at him. “I’m leaving because I never wanna see that look on Ronnie’s face again. I can’t. When he looked at me last night…it hurt. He trusted me. Me, the one who had put him there.” He shook his head. “But he doesn’t see that. You obviously don’t see that either.”

“The only thing I see right now is hurt and anger in your eyes. Don’t try to hold it in, Drake. It’ll only hurt you.”

“What’s one more bruise?” Drake said caustically. “I’ll get used to it.”

“Drop the ego, Drake. If you don’t want my company, fine. But don’t go through life walking with your head high acting as if nothing ever bothers you. Everyone hurts. I’m not trying to make light of what you’ve been through in the past. All I’m trying to do is point you in the direction of your future and support you with positive words instead of negative ones.”

“Future? Like…”

“Like playing the piano. Don’t roll your eyes; you know it’s the truth. Drake, your playing is excellent. You know me well enough to know I wouldn’t lie to you. You are so full of talent, and the sad thing is, you don’t even know it. Sometimes I don’t even think you care.”

“You don’t think I care?” Drake flared back, wanting to yank every IV out of him and find his strength again. “You don’t think there’ve been nights when I’ve soaked my pillow with tears because the pain inside hurts that bad? You don’t think I wanna change? I’d trade my life with you in a heartbeat, but life doesn’t work that way, does it? You deal with what you got stuck with and go on.”

“It doesn’t have to—”

“No, I’m through fighting it. I’m empty. I’ve wasted my life doing my own thing my own way, and it’s done nothing but hurt me and those around me. There is no turning back. I’m sorry I used you, because that’s the reality of it. I used you because it was good for me, but even the selfish person deep inside knows that using you for even one more day is wrong. I’m not going back. I’ll only hurt you again.”

Andrew stood. “Well, even if you’re calling it quits, I’m not giving up on you. I know I may be nothing more than an old-timer to you, and I also know that Ronnie can sometimes rub you the wrong way, but we love you. Ronnie may not be your definition of a friend, but I assure you that that seven-year-old over there would do anything in the world for you. If not for me, stay for him. He really needs a friend right now.”

Drake found himself speechless. He was unsure whether he should feel angry or humiliated. He had never expected the conversation to end like this, and though he usually had a sharp comment to fire back as the last word, he was left feeling empty. Ashamed. And yet strangely, he felt incredibly thankful.