Broken Memphis (15 page)

Shrugging, Ford scratches his beard. "There's more to raising kids than reading books. Sure, you're a fuckwit, but look at her real dad. He's an evil fuck, while you're just a stupid fuck."

"You're a steaming pile of turds."

"Look, do you want Bebe or not?"

"No."

"Okay. Let's get a few beers then head over to Suede and get you laid. Nothing gets a guy over a chick like another chick."

"Skip the beers. Let's just go to Suede now."

Ford grins. "First of all, idiot, Suede doesn't open for a few more hours. Second, you look crazy hostile. No chick is gonna want anywhere near your dick when you look crazy hostile."

"Whatever."

"Let's walk to the gas station and pick up some beers. We'll hit some balls then get you laid."

My mind instantly returns to Bebe pulling my hair when she comes. I hate her for making me happy when we can't happen. Bebe should know better than to want me. She has Lula to protect, yet she welcomes me into her heart like I'm capable of doing anything more than giving her a good fuck.

26

Bebe

Turning My Brown Eyes Blue

Growing up with a prostitute mother made keeping friends tricky. Once parents heard rumors about what she did for a living, they forbade their kids from our home. Even the druggie parents thought they were better than my family.

These days, I have loyal friends. Shay hurries over first. Darby, Perri, Lupe, and Flora arrive soon after with the kids. Stuck at work, Jenn calls to tell me she ordered Lucky to share fist wisdom with Pax. They all want to make me feel better, but I can't stop shaking.

"I hit Pax," I say as we sit on the back deck while the kids enjoy a mild day.

"Good," Darby says, sipping coffee.

"I don't like being violent unless it's someone like Creepy Spencer," I say, remembering the freak who attacked Shay and me months ago, "Pax is different, and I feel trashy to have slapped him."

Studying my hand, I still feel the burn from hitting him.

"You lost your temper and lashed out," Shay says. "Shit happens. Besides, Pax is an enforcer. A few slaps won't hurt him."

"I should have lashed out with words."

Perri laughs at my comment first. Flora and Lupe quickly join in. Darby only smiles while Shay hurts herself by keeping the laughter inside.

"Pax isn't a man affected much by words," Darby says. "He opens his mouth and words fly out. He doesn't have control over them, and he doesn't take anything said to him personally either. It's not who he is. Slapping him made the point words couldn't."

Grumpy at being laughed at, I try to explain. "I feel bad because of how I feel, not how I made him feel. He sucks, and I hope it hurt him. I just wish I had reacted with more restraint. I'm disappointed in myself."

The girls laugh again, and I finally roll my eyes. "What's wrong with bettering myself?"

"Nothing, but I think you're distracting from what's really bothering you."

"What's that?"

Darby gives me her patient mom look. "You're living in a house with a man you want but can't have. Now what do you do?"

"I'm not leaving," I say with too much heat. "Lula likes it here, and he promised she wouldn't have to leave."

"Okay, but he won't be celibate."

"I know. Maybe I won't either."

"Ooh," Lupe cries, immediately excited. "We have a new cook at the restaurant. He's really cute and single. I was saving him for my neighbor's daughter, but screw her. She goes to college and can find another boy."

Even grinning, I'm horrified at the thought of another man. "I'm not ready for a new guy, but give it a few days, and maybe I'll change my mind."

Shay eyes me then glances at Darby, who nods. I hate when they share their silent conversations.

"What?"

"Nothing," Shay sighs.

Hearing their kids laughing, Perri and Flora share a smile. I know how they feel to have this chance at a new start. Even though Pax broke my heart and we'll never work, I can't give up the home he's offered. I refuse to let him steal it away either.

Once the kids tire out and dinner is over, everyone except Shay heads home. Lula wants to rest in bed and watch a movie. After her friends' visit, my baby is in a better mood now. She's thinking about Pax though.

Lula cuddles in bed, watching her little white tree flashing pink lights. Pax gave her this room and the tree. He made her feel special, and she can't understand why he hates her now. I don't know how to explain his anger except to say he was really just mad at me.

While she watches her movie, I return to the living room where Shay waits.

"You love him."

"Yeah, so?" I say, walking past her and downstairs to the laundry room.

I glance at Pax's bedroom, where we spent hours fucking. Our time together was just about sex, and I was an idiot to think it meant more.

"How can you live here, if he starts seeing other chicks?" Shay asks, and I sense she's voicing the questions the other women were thinking.

Taking out a load of laundry from the dryer, I begin folding it on the small counter in the little room. "This is Lula's home. She loves it here, and I won't take that from her. Even if I have to listen to him fuck other women, I won't leave."

Shay takes a towel and helps me fold. "I couldn't see Ford with another woman."

"Not even for your brothers?"

Shay shakes her head. "I'd freak the fuck out if I saw him with a girl. Months ago, I said if he cheated, I'd destroy his Harley. I would too. I'd go apeshit crazy."

My heart aches and my stomach burns at the thought of him kissing another woman, let alone fucking her. I can still feel him inside me, and my breasts are covered in hickeys. He still feels like mine, but he's not. Now Pax can do whatever he wants with any girl he wants.

Shay and I stop folding and stare at each other. For the first time, I admit how cornered I feel.

"I don't know how I'll handle him bringing a girl home, but I can't leave. Pax offered us a home, and I believed in the entire fantasy. I convinced myself he was in love with me and I was special. I convinced myself he would marry me and be a father to Lula. I had all these stupid F U C K I N G fantasies, but they're lies. I hate myself for believing in them. I can't leave though. Even if I can't have the full fantasy, I can give my baby her princess room and a chance to go to decent schools. Pax can break my heart, but I won't let him break hers."

Shay hugs me against her and says nothing. There really isn't anything to say. We imagined ourselves becoming sisters. More than once we talked about being aunties to each other's kids. The fantasy was real for us both, but Pax cracked under the pressure. He took the easy way out, but I refuse to do the same.

27

Pax

Repulsion

Suede's parking lot is full of people who can't get inside. They party in the cold, wanting to be tough by proximity. I walk past the dipshits and swing my bat at one guy's head. He ducks and spills his beer. Ford laughs behind me, but I can't even crack a smile.

Inside, I scan the faces before finding Maggie. She's serving Breaker, who is talking to her tits. She looks scrawny to me tonight. Like her head and boobs are too big for the rest of her. I consider hooking up with someone else, but the new girl's skin reminds me of a rotten peach.
When did these chicks get so ugly?

When I snap at Maggie, she struts over immediately. I know she likes me, but I think she's just happy to be away from Breaker.

"Is your girlfriend going to threaten to slap me again?" she asks.

"My dick is hard. Let's go to the storage closet."

"You always were a charmer," she mutters before giving Ford a dirty look.

My brother walks to the bar and orders a beer. When I pass by him, he tells me good luck. I hate him for being happy. Why should he be happy when I'm not? All our lives, we've been the same. Now he's grinning like a fucking psycho doll, and I'm about to rip off my skin.

Inside the storage room, Maggie unbuttons the top of her black shirt.

"Be sure to tell the manager that this doesn't count as my break," she says, shaking her hair loose.

I grunt. "It shouldn't take long. Hard and fast."

Except my dick isn't hard. I'm too tense to realize this fact until I consider pulling it out.

Maggie reaches for me. "Settle down, big guy."

"Don't," I say, smacking away her hand. "You smell weird. Did you puke recently?"

Maggie steps back and gives me her pissed bitch look. "We're in a storage closet. It always smells like shit. What's your problem?"

"I don't know. Am I usually drunker when I fuck you?"

"You're starting to piss me off, Paxton Reed."

Scratching hard at the back of my neck, I draw blood. "Why did you say my whole name like that? You're making me think of my teachers. That's not hot."

Sighing, Maggie ignores my question. Her manicured fingers reach for my arms, but I dodge her.

"If you don't want to fuck, can I go back to work?"

I run my hands through my hair then tug at it in frustration. My body has no interest in fucking Maggie. If I do it though, I can accept Bebe and I are over. Maggie offers me an exit from the delusion I've created about playing the family man. All I need to do is touch her. Except she smells weird. She looks weird too. Grossed out, I really don't want to touch her.

"Were your eyes always so close together?" I ask, squinting at her.

Maggie growls in frustration. Leaning against the wall, she digs out a piece of gum from her pocket.

"I was in love back in high school. He was a jock, but sensitive. He wrote stupid songs about birds and heartbeats. I loved him so much I went into withdrawal when we were apart."

Relieved not to have her pawing at me with her claw fingers, I ask, "So what happened to lover boy?"

"Dumped me when he went to college. Broke my fucking heart."

"Nice story."

Maggie gives me a side-glance. "Love hurts when it ends, but I'd still do it again even knowing he was gonna ditch me. The good was worth the bad."

"I'm not in love."

"Are you sure? Don't take this wrong, but you're really fucking stupid. It's quite possible you really don't know you're in love."

"Fuck off, Maggie."

She grins. "That girl Bebe can't hold her liquor and she talks too fucking much, but I think she loves you too. You could be happy if you weren't so fucking stupid. I mean, you're sweeter than your brother, and he fell in love."

"I am sweeter than him. I'm actually better than him in a lot of ways."

"I know, but Ford's going home to his woman tonight, and you're in here with me. You might be better in a lot of ways, but smarter ain't one of them."

Cracking my knuckles, I nod. "I don't know about my heart, but my dick doesn't want you."

"Poetic, baby. I'm going back to work."

Maggie leaves me in the storage closet, and I stand alone like a lost kid.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?

I walk out of the storage closet and head outside. Passing by Ford, I flip him off and keep going. My laughing brother follows me into the cold night. I don't know where to go or what to do. Home isn't an option when Bebe and Lula live there now too.

Grabbing me by the jacket, Ford pulls me away from the people hanging out in the parking lot.

"Listen to me," he says in a rough voice. "All you need to do is say the words."

"Back off."

I try to shove him away, but Ford's playing big brother and won't budge.

"When you were twelve, we'd gone back to Marcy's house. You were being such a fucking shit. Freaking out over everything. I finally beat the hell out of you, and you said the words. You admitted why you were acting like an idiot. Once you said the words, you settled down. Of course, it might have been me kicking your ass that fixed shit, but let's try the words first."

"What fucking words?" I say, elbowing him in the gut.

Ford ignores my attempt to knock him down. "You said you didn't want Mom to come back. You admitted how you really felt, and you were free. Now maybe the words will fix whatever the hell is stuck up your ass."

"I don't know what words will fix anything."

Ford grabs my face, and I think he might kiss me. When he stares into my eyes really deep, I'm sure he's gonna kiss me.

"You say them, and they stay between us," he whispers then tempts me with, "I won't even tell Shay."

Ford's nose is pink, and his breath comes out as smoke. I know the night is cold, but I don't feel it. I'm running hot and even feel like I might puke.

"Say the words. Then we'll see if I need to kick your ass," Ford whispers.

I glance around, looking for an escape. The words need to come out though. Not only to get rid of them, but also to give Ford a secret he can't share with Shay.

"I love Bebe," I whisper.

"I know, brother. I knew you were in trouble the first night at dinner when you acted like a twat. Usually you're pretty smooth with chicks. With Bebe, you said everything fucking wrong."

"What do I do now?"

"I have no idea. How big an asshole were you earlier?"

"Hasn't Shay texted you with the details?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

Stepping back, Ford sighs. "Bad."

"She's better off without me."

"Yeah."

Glaring at Ford, I was expecting him to bullshit me. He shrugs at my angry expression.

"I don't know what to tell you, shithead."

"To be young," Lucky says, strolling over.

No way do I want to get ganged up on by the old-timers. I already feel like a dumb kid. This lecture shit won't help.

Ford gives Lucky the 411, leaving out the love part. Through it all, the older man nods like he's heard it all before. I don't know if I should be offended or relieved.

"Wouldn't it be a pretty splendid world if Bebe married a Dudley Do Right who'd be a super daddy to her kid? Yeah, really happy-ending shit. Except she has an evil ex getting out of prison soon. She comes from a fucked-up line of fucked-up people, and you can't wash that shit off. I like her, but she ain't living her happily ever after with a bank manager like Darby and Jenn are talking about. No, she needs a man who can kill her problems and won't make her feel like a loser for having a dead whore mom."